A person does not need to do every single thing on a list to be considered that thing, whatever it is. My daughter does not have all symptoms of gluten intolerance but cannot eat it without breaking out in a rash. Just because you or your H do not meet all characteristics does not mean you are not struggling with issues related to that thing--codependency, narcissism, abuse, or whatever. When you overlook all the issues there and say, "Nope, we are not that thing," you miss out on the chance to work on those qualities. It's those qualities that we are all seeing that need changing for you to find happiness.
Yes, so much this!
Northern, of course you don't want to believe that your WH is abusive and that you show signs of codependency. So your mind immediately clings on to whatever rational you can to justify why he can't really be all that bad. Controlling a partner's choices in clothing and jealousy are such a small segment of the behaviors described in WDHDT that it's laughable to say the book can't apply to him because of it.
Here are some quotes that do apply:
Lundy Bancroft:
One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs.
You:
20 years of him raging and hearing my faults. My appearance, my family, my achievements, my nerdiness, the ways I load the dishwasher, clean the house, drive, shovel the driveway, fold the laundry, my parenting, my movie choices, my personality, everything...all the time, nothing ever right. Nothing ever good enough.
Bancroft:
He's two different people. I feel like I'm living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
You:
You know, I have always told him he has two personalities and he gives me whiplash emotionally sometimes with the quick changes.
Bancroft:
Your abusive partner’s cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving.
Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least occasionally, he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy. This intermittent, and usually unpredictable, kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person, male or female, has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge of affection one might feel for the hand that offers a glass of water on a scorching day. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person.
You:
The three times in 23 years that he has actually opened up to me and we talked all night I was floored by how he felt, his fears, his genuine vulnerability. I hold those times and that man like a shield when he is a dick to me. He is startlingly gentle and caring when life really really requires it like when my mom died.
Bancroft:
Abusers drive wedges between people, by accident or by design.
You:
Both boys and I have an incredible close relationship which is thrown in my face that WH is an "outsider" and "no one listens to him" in the house. Honestly, he has created his own issues but thinks it is their (my) fault.
Bancroft:
-He drives recklessly or speeds up when he’s angry.
-He punches walls or kicks doors.
-He throws things around, even if they don’t hit you.
You:
is easily frustrated when something does NOT go his way. I have ended up with smashed IKEA furniture many times when it didn't work.
Bancroft:
Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: “He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way.” But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He’ll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he’ll be all right.
This whole thread is an example of the above.
He doesn't have to wear a mask to trick you to be abusive. He doesn't have to give a flying fuck about your clothes, friends, or be overly jealous to be controlling. He doesn't need to explicitly say that he wants you to act in a certain way to be controlling. He's perfectly capable of meeting the criteria outlined in WDHDT of belittling you, causing you to doubt yourself, devaluing you, and oscillating between kind and gentle and angry, intimidating, and cruel. And through those behaviors he is able to control yours because:
He knows he used to be able to control you with charm, affection and promises. He also remembers how well intimidation or aggression worked at other times.He may switch erratically back and forth between the two like a doctor who cycles a patient through a range of antibiotics, trying to find the one that will get the infection under control.
Even the examples given in the book show that each woman deals with an abusive spouse whose behaviors lean to the extreme in some areas but not others. No example given perfectly encompasses each behavior outlined. It's silly to rule him out because he doesn't exhibit every behavior when not a single case in the book met your criteria to be considered abusive.
[This message edited by nekonamida at 12:08 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]
