SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me. I refuse to monitor.

However... I did tell him that I will just assume he’s up to shit and being a liar. I told him I’d never trust him again so he could do whatever the fuck he wanted.... because he blew it. I also told him he never has to tell me where he is....I won’t look at his phone or computer.... basically, I don’t give a crap. He BLEW IT.

He seemed to really take exception to that so now he leaves all his stuff out and open. He almost tries pushing me into looking at things on his devices. The more he tries, the more I push back, “that’s ok, I’ll check it on my own iPad, phone, computer, whatever.” He hates this.

HE. BLEW. IT.

ThisIssoLonely - I’m sorry this happened to you. There’s no guarantee that my WH or any out there won’t go back for more. I’ve seen it before.

Ultimately what I meant to say in my post was that I am under no illusions that checking can be bypassed. My WH showed me that clearly. Leaving his phone in the office and going for a walk so I couldn’t track him, blocking ow but still talking.

But at least in those early days and even now I am not going to make it easy for him. The easiest route to find a girlfriend is to divorce. If nothing happens and I don’t find anything then it is trust in the trust bank. If he still lies it will come to light sooner or later.

But... we never had individual passwords on our phones. I always had either my fingerprint or his password in the past to everything, even before the affair. He had the affair in front of me because... well I never checked. It didn’t cross my mind to open that little icon that said WhatsApp. Well now from time to time I’ll check. With his knowledge or without. Because I’m not the same naive person I once was.

And that would apply to any future (serious) partner I would have should I divorce. Sadly. Because I cannot see myself being that trusting person again

TRae,

He should be doing all he can to establish his credibility with you, you should feel that he has become an honest person. This will make you comfortable with not watching him.

Whatever he did before that lead him into cheating needs to stop could be having friendships with random women or staying out late or whatever.

Hi @TRae519 so sorry you're having to deal with this. Trust is so important in a relationship and once broken does take time to rebuild. I think it's best to follow the route that gives you much peace. I did monitor for a while because I wanted to but also realized that monitoring does not prevent adultery. I would say though that this might be the time to discuss what happened and why and maybe consider having couples counseling for the well being of your relationship as you move forward. Wish you all the best for the future.

My D day (#2- same AP) was 1 year ago and although I got a ton of trickle truth over the year, I was finally able to access his past phone records in May. My snooping, searching, whatever you call it was a total mistake. It revealed SO much about how deep their affair was and how much he neglected me even while in reconciliation to focus on her because he knew it was ending and wanted as much time with her as possible. I wish I hadn’t searched. It only hurt me more. Like another DDay.

I check his phone once every few weeks without his knowledge.

I hate monitoring. I hate not trusting him. I hate tracking him when he goes on appointments for work. I’ve tried to limit that too, but it’s hard.

I hate this life, but I love my husband. What a precarious situation they have put us in.

I have done both hyper monitoring and none. Guess what? She cheated no matter what.

Unfortunately cheaters can be ingenious.

What I have done, is write out a list of observable behaviors I remember in my spouse while she was cheating. Now I look for them. I am lucky, my wife has many obvious tells if I am just being alert and looking for them.

I do check randomly her stuff but not every minute of every day. I try to let her get comfortable then perform a "surprise inspection"

What's crazy, when she isn't in a funk is just how "good" she is at boundaries. When she is in a funk it is amazing by the total lack of boundaries she has.

I stopped doing it loooong ago.

Don't have the time, don't have the desire.

Besides, if they are going to cheat, they are going to find a way to do it.

I just figure it always comes out eventually.

I told myself I wouldn’t be this person either. But nonetheless, I was, which Is how I inevitably discovered the nude pics AP sent WH while I thought we were in R. Affair was not over. I sent them to myself. Deleted them from his phone and kept them. She’s a high school teacher. I told her if she ever contacted my husband again, every student, parent and staff member would get those pics and the explanation of where they came from.

Be vigilant. Be smart. Be one step ahead. And know that if you want to stay in a relationship with a cheater, you will always have to be those things. It’s hard work and it’s a shitty life. Trust me.

I don't check anymore either, but we are two years in and have reconciled. I don't need to monitor because is isn't or hasn't done anything to make me think he's doing something he shouldn't be doing.

He also knows there is no second chance, but he also isn't the piece of shit ahole he was over 2 yrs ago.