SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Trdd-

After DDay, my WH explained that he has been fantasizing about the Cuckolding fetish for as long as he can remember.

In the past he had incorporated his fantasy into our sex life as fantasy only, which he asked me to try to be open minded and “help” him to have this experience. He never actually talked with me to explain that this fetish was a deep need that he had, only that he enjoyed it. It is only after DDay that he told me that he has been chatting with likeminded people online for years in verbalizing his fantasy via chats. He also had a similar previous affair with a couple he met on the same swinger site- (AFF) 2012-2014, which he says he had sexual encounters with that couple only once a year, across 4 years timeframe, in which he was acting out the role as the OM.

With the recent 2019 affair, 9 months into acting out his sex fetish fantasy, basically he was having sex with only this OW, and no OM during that 9 months. WH says they “talked” about the Cuckolding fantasy in details in all chat conversations, as well as before and during sex with the OW. WH said it was what he was looking for, to have a woman who had the same fantasy as him and would be willing to actually do it with him and OM. At 9th month of having sex with OW, WH says he then continued his quest in chatting with OM online to find a man to have sex with the OW, so he could watch, which happened once he says. WH said he also participated with the OM in the sex with the OW, alternating with the OM. So, basically a threesome gangbang as I see it, in both of his affairs.

I was willing to participate in my WH fantasy with the two of us but would not act it out sexually with another man involved. So, H made a decision to pursue another woman who would.

My God!... we had 42 years together and we are entering our senior years of life! He risked everything and had brought devistation to my life, so he could act out his fantasy, which he also tried to make me believe is only a very small part of his sexuality. He says iall of this acting out has nothing to do with his love for me. My brain just simply cannot fathom his rational.

Also, when he talks with me about any of the details around all of his behavior, it is if he is emotionless. He might as well be describing how he prepares a boiled egg, no emotion at all, while I see it as a massive volcano irrupting with hot lava that is consuming me.

How can he measure our lifetime of 42 years against what he has done, and act as if he felt okay in acting out all of this rediculious, reckless, heartless crap. He either lost his freaking mind, or he actually does not love me and did not care enough to consider what this would do to me and to us.

This is soooo selfish and it is unbelievable that he allowed this to get this far out of hand and think I wouldn’t find out.

One positive note- he has scheduled an appointment to see a sex addiction therapist tomorrow.

I feel there is hope in getting thru this.

I'm wondering about the AP. She's willing to have sex with a married man, and she's willing to have a MMF gangbang to satisfy the fetish of the married man. All behind his wife's back. What kind of person does that?

I participated in a MMF sex encounter, but all of us were single at the time. I get that. It was fun. I cannot fathom, however, doing it with a partner cheating on a spouse.

It's a terrible experience for you, I am sure. But as you mentioned, there is always hope to move forward if that is what you want.

This may sound strange but in a situation like this one could potentially find an easier rationale to understand the affair behavior than in many "normal" affairs. Yes, the whole thing is crazy but if it was driven by a sex addiction or a longstanding, powerful fantasy then at least you have something to point to. Whatever you call it, it is a clear rationale for him "losing his mind". Perhaps in some way it might be more tolerable than the WS who says "I fell in love with the AP" or "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore" or they just don't know why they did it or they did it just because they thought they could.

People here often say that most affairs are based on fantasies, one way or the other. But when the fantasy revolves around falling in love with the AP, perhaps it is even more painful than a sexual fetish that went way too far?

There was definitely some affection involved in the relationship between my WH in the OW. I know he gave her small gifts, such as candles, expensive perfume, lingerie, and a vibrator. I don’t know if this was actually love he felt for her, or that he was romancing the fetish experience itself. He says he does not love her and it was only the fetish experience that he wanted. He did say he cared for her and that they had become friends. In knowing what I know now, my gut tells me that he was romancing the experience, and by giving her gifts, and showing that he cared about her, he could keep her connected to him in an emotional way, which would keep her coming back for more so he could manipulate her and continue with his fantasyThe OW is married also. My WH says they made it clear upfront that neither one of them wanted to leave their spouse.

So what do you want? DO you want to save the marriage?

Because if you do, you and your husband have years and years of work to do to heal. Hard work. It will not be fun. Is that how you want to spend your retirement years?

I bet you could find yourself a decent gentleman your age (widowed, bachelor or divorced) who would love you and be faithful to you, and with whom you could enjoy what should be the most enjoyable time of your life.

It just seems like your WH callously threw away four decades of a great marriage for some cheap, tawdry sexual thrills. And to make it worse, he conspired with his OW to cheat on her husband. So many victims here. They are both reprehensible people.

[This message edited by Westway at 4:19 PM, March 13th (Friday)]

[To R], you and your husband have years and years of work to do to heal. Hard work. It will not be fun. Is that how you want to spend your retirement years?

Some R work - rebonding and creating an M that serves both of you - is very pleasurable.

Some R work is very painful, especially processing the grief, anger, fear, and shame of being betrayed - but you have to do that work whether you D or R.

If your H changes from cheater to good partner do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? We had 42+ good years; I thought the reward was worth the effort and the risk. You have to do your own calculations.

Sisoon-

Thank you for sharing this with me. I’ve been very emotional in my grief past 2 days. My heart is breaking. Today is 1 month since DDay. Your message brings much needed hope. I know I want to be with this man, my H, that I love so deeply. I just don’t know if I will be able to forgive him. I want to. I don’t want to leave. I’m really struggling with accepting the reality in all that he has done to me/us in this- and all of the lies he has told me. How could he do this! WH says that he loves me, and he never stopped loving me - that it was just fantasy sex. When I think about this happening across 11 years, with him bouncing thru 3+ PA’s with MMF / MM / MF /MMF, cyber chatting (daily chats with 2019 MF affair and others, and porn videos he watched over the years. I may never know the full truth In the frequency and duration of the past affairs; I feel he hasn’t disclosed the full truth to me as to the frequency and duration of the affairs, or if there were other affairs in the past. WH says he has told me “everything”. IDK if I can trust that to be true.

Some thoughts ...

The emotionality and not knowing which way is up - all that is normal at one month out. It'll go on for a while, and you'll gradually get grounded again.

I recommend putting forgiveness aside for now. It's not necessary for R or for D. I'm coming to think that 'forgiveness' means 'giving up anger,' and IMO so much anger comes with being betrayed that it takes a lot more than a month to be ready to give it up.

Most WSes say they loved their BSes all during the A. I once read an explanation of that that made sense to me, but I've forgotten it. In any case, whether it's love or not, it sure doesn't feel like love.

Your H sounds pretty messed up about sex. Is he straight, bi-, gay? Is he willing to be monogamous? Is he a victim of CSA? Is he willing to forgo activities that you don't want to participate in?

Above all, a good candidate for R is honest and comes clean. Your gut seems to be telling you he isn't honest yet, so protect yourself.

My W had one A for 4.5 months; her whole relationship with ow was 15 months. (Her whole relationship was sick, but it wasn't an EA.) That's a lot different from your experience with your H.

After DDay, WH told me that he Wanted to experience the MM physical sex act because he wanted to rule out possibility that he might be gay. He said after experiencing the MM relationship (4 x in 4 mo.) he said he confirmed that he is not gay. H said his fetish/fantasy that he acted out physically in MMF encounters in Cuckolding and Hot Wifing is his primary fantasy. He says he had sexual contact with the OM as well as the OW during the most recent 2019 Cuckolding/ Hot Wifing sex act, which followed the MM affair 2018, in which he had confirmed that he was not gay. Should I take this to mean he is Bi?

In his asking me to stay with him, he keeps telling me that he will put all that behind him, says he’s completely done with it, and will never pursue any of that again, including cyber affairs, chatting, and physical affairs - will stop everything if I will stay. (He knows this is what it will take for me to stay).

Basically, it’s apparent that he would like to continue acting out his sex fantasy physically, as he has been doing with others, but he knows I will not stay if he continues down that path. At this point idk if he will stay committed to his promise. And, is the fact that he had agreed to stop only to keep me with him something that i should see as a red flag? Or, should I consider this as a Sacrifice he is making for me, that I should be grateful for?

At this point idk if he will stay committed to his promise.

Long term members said, when I was a newbie, to watch actions and ignore words. I think that was great advice.

I don't think you have much reason to trust his promises.

And, is the fact that he had agreed to stop only to keep me with him something that i should see as a red flag? Or, should I consider this as a Sacrifice he is making for me, that I should be grateful for?

I would see it as a giant red flag if my W did this.

If he's sacrificing for you, he WILL almost definitely build resentment until he reaches a breaking point. If that happens, he will do something that violates your boundaries - an orgy? videoing you without your permission? buying a Corvette?

My W was aware she hurt me, but what made her a candidate for R was that she wanted to change her self. Just as she cheated because of her own issues, her decision to change came from her desire to resolve her issues. She wanted me to stay with her, but she wasn't changing to satisfy me ... except that self-directed change was the only way to satisfy me.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:30 PM, March 16th (Monday)]

One positive note- he has scheduled an appointment to see a sex addiction therapist tomorrow.

This was on the 12th. What did the therapist say?

I agree with sisoon. If he's shelving this just because he feels like he has to for you, he's either going to build up resentment towards you, or else he's just going to burst and do it anyway. Sexual fantasies that are very powerful don't just go away, and if it's that important a fetish to him that he'd been cheating to get it, I can't imagine that need will go away anytime soon.

One of the most common things I see on fetish sites is people who are cheating to try and get fetish needs met because their spouse is vanilla. They love them, love the marriage, but aren't willing to shelve their sexual needs. Sadly for them, most people in the kink scene won't fuck cheaters, so they either go without or start lying and pretending they are single which hurts even more people.

HD, I’m so sorry that the man you’ve loved and trusted has betrayed you so deeply.

He has put you in a situation that could be catastrophic to your health. Having sex with the OW certainly puts you at some risk, but the fact he has had multiple same-sex activities puts you at much higher risk for HIV and hepatitis. Was any of this activity performed with protection? Please, make an appointment ASAP to be tested.

I know you love him deeply, but how much does he really care for you when he’s willing to repeatedly put your health at risk?