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She said she's confused. Asked if she could stay in the house for a little longer. I told her as long as she doesn't text, call or see the other guy.

You can’t control this. They always find a way.

I am trying to find out the other wife to contact her so i'm already working on that.

ASAP, big first step

I am going to hand her a demand list in order for her to stay in the house.

1. I must have all social media password and can check her phone anytime and she will be on lock down. Obviously can't do this for ever but for the time being.

2. If I find she texts him, meets him, she is out of the house and I will tell our kids what really happened. I told her parents and she's ashamed to even talk to them.

Why? You can’t control this. She’s gonna do what she wants. You’re wasting your time. Shes not a high school kid. She’s a grown woman. Consequences matter in these situations. Let her go. Do you really want to be her father?

Tell the kids now in a sanitized way.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:19 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

Please do not take any of the blame for your WW affair. Her reason "You never put me first" is so selfish its unreal (You've got 3 kids). If you had put her first it would have been ... you aren't helping out with the kids enough. You need to be there for them more. Or we never go on vacations... you need to work less or more so we can take more trips. These are just excuses. You know how not to fix a marriage? Have an affair.

You can tell your WW that you will take the blame for 50% of the problems in the marriage but that the affair is 100% on her and that's what has killed the relationship.

The second thing I want to impart is that cheater lie. That not only means that what your WW is telling you is probably a lie. It also means that what OM is telling your WW is probably a lie. It's doubtful he is going through a divorce. It's doubtful his wife knows he is seeing someone. It's doubtful he is willing to leave his wife and family for a married woman with three kids. It's much more likely that OBS has no idea that her marriage is in trouble or she believes it's in trouble for something lame like... she isn't' putting her husband first.

You need to tell the OBS ASAP. DO NOT tell your WW you are doing this. Do not try to make your WW tell the OBS. Do not try to blackmail the OM into doing it. It's not fair and it's not right but it's something you need to do.

You need to do this because it's the right thing to do. The OBS probably has no idea what is going on in her marriage. OM is subjection her to STD's as well as mental abuse.

I can't tell you what the odd's are buy in cases like yours (both married with children) the OM normally throws the OW under the bus and tries to save his marriage.

It's clear from your WW reaction she believes everything OM is telling her. She can't decide because she is waiting on him to sweep her away. He is probably making up excuses. She is keeping you as her Plan B and you don't want that. Tell the OBS and then do a hard 180 do not stay in limbo.

looks like you posted while I was writing. I do think your marriage stands a chance but you have to act and watch her actions not words.

I'm really glad you told her parents. Exposure kills the affair. The more people know the less appealing the fantasy of the affair is.

Good luck

[This message edited by Freeme at 2:20 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

I have been where you are. My biggest regret was not filing for D as soon as I found out about XWW’s affair.

I made all the mistakes that you are making right now. I desperately feared losing her and our marriage. I wanted to R and conveyed that without any remorse for her. This put her the driver’s seat. She should not have any control of the direction of your marriage anymore. She gave that up. That is solely up to you now.

1) You need to go cold and dark right now (180). No more talking, questions, conversations or discussions. Courtesy in front of the children but nothing beyond that.

2) You need to contact his wife about the affair immediately! Chances are she suspects something is up. I contacted the wife of the clown my XWW was screwing. She knew more than I did and sent me every bit of proof she had. Here’s the one thing you can be sure of…Cheaters lie. You can safely assume that anything he told his wife, or your wife about his marriage, is a lie.

3) File for D right now. The process takes a long time. Sometimes the shock of fresh D papers has a way of knocking the indecisive off the fence. If she falls on your side and is remorseful, than you have something to build on, if you still want to. If she falls on the other side, then you know everything you need to go forward with D. Also, when she tells him you filed, and he was just using her for a side piece, he’ll have to commit now or run back to his wife. A lot of men would rather stay with their wives and families when things get real. Before my D was final, XWW’s boyfriend dumped XWW. Apparently he didn’t really want a real relationship. His wife still divorced him. From what I've seen, wives are much more inclined to take back a cheating husband than a husband taking back a cheating wife.

Here are a few things to think about.

A) If you stayed with her, how could you ever trust her again? You would be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, always wondering where she was and what she was doing, and with who. Checking phone and text logs, car mileage, unexplained gaps in timelines. Is this what the future you want?

B) Would you ever get over the embarrassment and shame of being cheated on? Resentment has a way of building up and going off later like a bomb. Would you ever have any respect for her going forward or look at her thee same again?

C) Are you ready to live the rest of your life with the mind movies? I have been divorced for over 7 years and have had no contact with XWW. I still have mind movies from time to time. Imagine if she was always there and a constant reminder.

D) Do you think you could ever get back the innocents of your marriage? You are no longer her one and only, and you never will be again.

E) If you stayed, what message is that sending your children? You could rationalize that you are an example forgiveness. You would more likely be showing them and example of a martyr sacrificing your life and self respect. They will learn that being disrespected, lied to and cheated on, are things we should tolerate from their future spouse. Teach them to stand up for themselves. Teach them there are consequences for our actions. Teach them to be strong. They will thank you for it by growing up to be strong.

Strength to you brother

You'll be amazed how she goes from "I don't know" to "I'm totally on board with reconciliation" once the AP throws her under the bus. Of course, it always sucks to be your spouse's backup plan.

She isn't confused. She is playing games and stringing you along as her backup plan in case her other main fails to leave his wife and be with her. She wants you as her safety net in case she has nowhere to go.

Why are you allowing her to decide anything? She is a proven liar, cheater, and destroyer of your family. What right does she have to decide your future?

Never show empathy or emotion to a wayward. They will see it as validation for their treatment of you and exploit your vulnerability for manipulative purposes.

Please read up on the 180. Do it now.

Your WW is actively cheating on you and you are soft towards her...treating her as if you are there to help her. SHe is not helping you...

Drop D papers on her, go hard, turn off the emotion...if she comes back, work from there. If not, so be it.

Tell the OM's spouse ASAP. SHe needs to know and the OM needs to have his world burned down with truth.

southpaw:

You are getting a lot of good advice. There are two ways out of infidelity: R or D. Both are valid results. There are many here who have successfully R’d. You will get a wide range of opinions. The motto here is to take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Right now you are still in shock and everything is still raw. Your feelings will go back and forth as you process the trauma. But right now your WW is in an active A. She is not remorseful. You can not R with an unremorseful spouse still cheating. You are getting good advice to expose to the OBS. Don’t believe for a second that the OM is divorcing no matter what. Cheaters lie. Take care of yourself. Implement the 180. Good luck.

Good job on exposing to her parents, now finish the job and expose to ALL close friends and of course your kids, don't lie to them, it's not your job to hide her A, heck she's still in it, tell them in a sanitized way, something like: "children we still love you but right now we're having major problems because your mommy decided to have a boyfriend behind my back, doesn't want to break it off and is considering moving in with him as soon as POSOM (name him) gets a divorce", that's it, let her scramble for answers and deal with that, she's the one that betrayed the entire family.

Yes others have survived situations far worst than yours but that takes a fully remorseful WW doing all the necessary work, right now you simply don't have and your WW light years away from being one, again she still in an ACTIVE A, therefore impossible to R with unless you want to keep sharing her and remain a one-sided open M, finish the job on exposure to everyone and tell her you are going to file for D (we know you probably can't file now because of Covid-19), tell her that her go to answer ("I don't know) is not enough and that you have decided to get yourself out of infidelity, that you simply can't be with a wife who has a boyfriend and who's contemplating leaving you for him, that you have to protect yourself and your children.

D takes a long time and can be stopped before it's final if she comes around, ends her A, commits to NC FOREVER, shows true remorse, agrees to be 100% transparent with all her electronic devices and passwords, gets tested for STDs, apologizes to the entire family for her huge betrayal, signs a postnup and commits to IC with someone who specializes in infidelity (very important) to find out her "whys" among other things, otherwise just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

the OMW must be told ASAP

southpaw,

If you don't know what the 180 is, here's a pretty good description:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

It's a way for you to detach from emotional roller coaster you're on right now. Use it on your wife. It will work and you'll see her start to act differently around you.

Also, you have some "heavy hitters" here giving you advice. 1stWife is one there are several others. If I recall correctly she has gone through R, but had to hit her WH over the fucking head with divorce papers for him to realize he was about to fuck up and lose her. That being said. Its way too early now to be thinking about R. Today, right now, you're Plan B...your WW is manipulating you. Go cold grey rock on her.

She is waiting to hear from AP to see if he's going to sweep her away from all "this" on his puffy white cloud of love and hapiness...Not going to happen. I'm pretty sure that his wife doesn't know anything about the affair. That's why it's crucial for you to get into contact with her.

If you have to...have a friend on a moments notice come over to watch the kids so you can follow them and find out where he lives...it's a hard way to do it. A PI would be better, but they cost $$$. You can get his phone number from her phone...unless she guards it like Fort Knox. You can do a reverse trace on it to find his address that way.

In other words, you have to play hardball. DO NOT tell your WW what you plan to do. She's playing hardball with your marriage, so nuke their affair. If I had to do it all over again, I'd be posting on social media that my wife was deep into an affair with John Doe and that he's told her he's going to get a divorce so they can "be together foreverz"...while that might be a bit too extreme, you need to let all of your mutual close friends know what she's doing. Peer pressure can be ugly with adults as it can be with kids.

“

My question is should I give her time to figure this all out.

Yep, you give her 2 seconds to figure it out. If she needs more time than that, then she’s not truly in love with you.

It’s not up to you to save the marriage. It’s up to her. You’re just along for the ride. You’re a critically injured victim who is in no shape to be saving marriages and rehabilitating cheaters. If she really wants this, she has to do all the heavy lifting. She has to save you. You’re the injured party.

All you have to do is sit back, observe, recuperate, enforce boundaries, protect yourself, be vigilant, communicate effectively, explain needs and protect your dignity and your marital rights.

If she is true R material, she will do the work, proactively, patiently, with a little guidance from you regarding your needs, and do the work necessary to compel you to offer up the precious fleeting gift of Reconciliation.

Yep, you give her 2 seconds to figure it out. If she needs more time than that, then she’s not truly in love with you

This advice is gold. Please follow it

Your WW is actively cheating on you and you are soft towards her...treating her as if you are there to help her. SHe is not helping you...

You’re getting solid advice from experience. It will do you no good unless you wake up and use it.

She said she just didn't think things through and doesn't know what she wants.

But she did make a decision that she did not want the marriage once she started to sleep with her affair partner, she wanted him.

She looked at you , the marriage and the kids and decided that was not what she wanted. So she made hundreds and hundreds of decisions (not mistakes) to be with another man.

Let the OBS know, your WW will be under the bus by the end of the day.

About 3 months ago, she told me she thought we should separate because I don’t put her first.

I'm just shaking my head at this ^^. Unbelievable. She tells you that you need to put her first... while she's fucking some married guy. How is she putting you first in that? How does Mr. Marvelous compare regarding putting his own wife first? And what kind of dad are you when you're putting whatever whim that comes into her head above your children's health, welfare, and security???

I hope your takeaway here is that every excuse your WW has given you for her cheating is complete and utter bullshit. Nothing we do (or don't do) can make a person of good character make perverse choices. Cheating is a CHARACTER PROBLEM. Something in your wife's defective worldview allowed cheating to become a choice. So... if you do eventually opt for R, that's something which needs to change. Consider that as you set your boundaries and terms.

I also agree with informing the OM's spouse, and as soon as possible too. Try a limited subscription to one of those paid people finding apps and see if you can run down a phone number. Typically, the married cheater ditches the OW in order to try and save his home situation. This introduces REALITY to your WW in a big way. And yeah, he's told your WW he's going to divorce either way, but why wouldn't he? If he keeps her thinking she's so special he's willing to ditch his wife for her, he's more likely to continue getting into her pants. Further, he figures YOU are less likely to inform his wife if you think there's no point to it. So, track down her info and just do it. Cheaters who are set on leaving, leave no matter what you do. The ones who aren't will put up quite a fuss initially, but after they've been dumped, reality intrudes and they become more malleable.

I would like to know if anyone on this forum has successfully repaired their marriage? Can someone share their story?

I'll share a story. I asked this same question in the days after my DDay. At the time (though I was not schooled in the ways of infidelity and my whole life was upside down, like yours), my wife was telling me "she didn't know" what she wanted.

Newsflash: that meant she was still seeing/talking/having sex with OM.

Anyway, the people here RIGHTLY pointed out to me that there is no R (reconciliation) with an ambivalent WW.

Ambivalence means a few things:

1) You are an option for her. It's sad. Because you're prioritizing her above all else right now, willing to sacrifice your own dignity and comfort to *save* your marriage and reconnect with your wife, and you're just one of two options to her. Awful place to be.

2) You're currently, at best, *sharing your wife* with another man. That is also unacceptable.

3) Maybe neither #1 or #2 are true; she could already be gone, really making plans with AP. That means her "ambivalence" is just keeping you on the hook while she gets her ducks in a row. It means she's *using* you while you frantically try to reconnect with her and save your marriage.

To your question: plenty of people have reconciled here. Go check out the reconciliation forum to see what that looks like.

~

The other posters here are right: there are two ways out of infidelity: R or D. You can't R with an "ambivalent" (i.e. "still having an affair") spouse. That only leaves D.

The third option is saddest of all: neither R nor D. Just rug-sweeping and accepting that this is your life now. You can't do that, right?

I am trying to find out the other wife to contact her so i'm already working on that.

This will change your life for the better in so many ways. I'd bet a thousand bucks that the story your wife has told you about AP and his wife divorcing are bullshit; maybe she believes it, but I'd bet AP has lied to her.

Do this ASAP. 99% of the time when this is done, AP ditches BW immediately, throws her under the bus, tries to save his *own* marriage.

Any other ideas? I hate to threaten telling our kids the truth but they will find out eventually.

Powerful BS's threaten nothing. They take action.

It's clear you'd like R, potentially. And you've indicated that if she can't meet your demands/needs, then you'll pursue D. Are you really sure you'll do that?

Again, you don't have to threaten anything. You can calmly, rationally tell her: "These are what I need to even *consider* beginning to think about R with you. At this point, you've shown me that you can't do those things, so I am pursuing D. That can change if you make some changes, but that has yet to be seen and this is the way I'm going. I really have no other choice, as sad as it is."

BUT THEN, and this is the tricky part: you have to follow through. Get those D papers and fill them out. It's ok if she sees you doing it. Start working on the real estate plans, plans for the kids, etc.

And tell the OBS. It will be a major help.

If you do these things, WW may "wake up" to some degree, or she may not. Chances are she'll at least be jarred into some sort of reality and start acting differently, but that's not the point. You're in charge now. You need to define for yourself what you need, and you need to be strong enough to walk away if you're not getting it.

Can't share your wife. Can't be one of two options. These are unacceptable things for a married man.

So...what do you think?

[This message edited by Okokok at 7:35 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

southpaw,

KNOW THIS: Her ambivalence and "willingness" (eagerness) to move out to your condo/rental property is cheater code for, "yes, I'd love to have separate place where me and AP can have free reign to explore how far we can take this fantasy". Yup, it'll be ground zero for fuck-fest 2020.

So if R is really your intention then moving her out probably is not in your best interest. You both have to want this.

From my own wisdom and that of many on this site - if she's clearly got one foot out the door, let her go. You can't make her want to change. She has to want it.

You can only focus on you. Make sure you are protected.

Ok, SPw, I'll bite, we did R, still been together coming on 34yrs. Do the math, no internet, no anonymous people online, at any moment have a combined years of experience, on average at least a 150yrs. Listen to them, I know you feel you've just got the wind knocked out of you, just about everyone here has.

Read my story by selecting in the upper-left. The AP (my so-called friend, lied to her, oh, boo-hoo, your AP lied to you to get sex, what's the world coming to) Oddly enough, at the time, she was actually hurt that he lied.

So, IMO, I seriously doubt OBS, knows about her divorce. Maybe she knows something is wrong (you/ she feel like they're going crazy).

Yeah, wait til she finds out he's cheating on her, then she'll go lawyer-doll on AP, and he'll cast your wife off like yesterday's trash so fast she won't know which end is up.

Affairs are based on their fairyland bullshit. Whe it becomes real it becomes REAL to everyone. Both AP don't want that.

You are enabling her, stop it now. R or D, doesn't matter (repeat that) what matters is what you do at this moment. Years from now, you'll either feel good on what you did or it will haunt you (most likely somewhere in between).

You have alot to think about, but doing nothing is not your friend, it's your enemy, act fast, with surety. Right now she's not your friend or your partner, don't tell the enemy anything, act.

It's the only thing that works, lead your own way, not hers.

Here's the link to my own thread when I asked this question a few years ago:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid=597469&ap=1#message7748135

I heard from some pretty smart people there, both BS and WS. Kinda helped my perspective a lot.

Brother, sorry you are in the shitty club

Sounds like you WW, had no issues cheating; without communicating to you what was wrong with the home life you work to provide: selfish actions and deliberate decisions or choices on her part.

Regardless, get tested as advised they both have put you at risk of STDs/STIs. She also needs to provide you a copy of her results. Some can be passed on in saliva.

Cease all financial support, cancel all credit and joint accounts. Why should you fund her A? Start splitting all bills.

She needs to be accountable for her actions. If she keep saying I don’t know what I want, tell her that isn’t acceptable. You will decide for her. If she moves to the condo, she will keep up the A with POS, so your children can’t go with her.

You have to be willing to loose her to get her to come back to the marriage. Your emotions will be up and down for months, so take your time.

She moves your children stay with you!

Take no responsibilities for her actions, she opened her legs to him, she chose this. She has to know the hurt, pain and costs are a direct result of her and his actions.

Tell all family and friends, she cheated. Let The other mans wife know ASAP.

Walk the dog, drink water, no drugs or booze, tell the children mom has some issues, it has nothing to do with them or you. She has to work through this. They don’t need to know she is a cheating.

Is it a Co worker? Let HR know, again there are ramifications for her actions. Seek full legal advice, for your location, you need to know your rights and responsibilities. She will TT and gaslight you re her sex with POS.

If you want to R, then you may need to know what they did, her thoughts at the time, and how she justified it was ok to defile the marriage, lie to you and betray your children. Get a PG, R and XXX time line version written out, but once read it cannot be unread. Carful on that.

One day at a time.

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 9:37 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

Southpaw,

You have been given amazing advice.

I am telling you this as a betrayed spouse, who fought for R...and had 3 ddays (Discovery days), meaning she NEVER stopped cheating. I did EVERYTHING WRONG.

Follow the advice here Southpaw. You are wounded, you are in SHOCK. You are not able to see the situation clearly. Everyone here is telling you how to act right now because when you are in shock you need a playbook to operate from. This is GOLDEN advice.

You have NO control over the marriage now. You are in pain, you are in fear of losing everything. Let me tell you, you have to save yourself here, salvage your dignity...because if you keep going the way you are right now, your self respect will be vaporized and you will be a sad sack. Ask me why I know this!!! That was me.

Follow the advice, love your kids and kick your wife out of the house now. Tell her to call the realator.

Here for you southpaw.