SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow Paul!!

That hurt reading but I'm glad you found SI.

As others have said, you need to see an attorney ASAP!!

The more info you can provide the better the good people here at SI can help you.

Is this other guy her boss?

What is his job title?

You have been betrayed on such a huge level it's heartbreaking. Her mom, brother, Uncle, best friend????

You are surrounded by LOSERS who are SCUM!!

Please take the evidence that you have and get it to a safe place (the attorney you hire would be good).

I know it's hard to believe this when everything is falling down around you and there's nobody you can trust, but my friend, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!

Keep the faith!!

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself as your kids are going to need you as they have one FUCKED UP MOM!!

Find out if this guy is married and report back here what you find out.

Do NOT let your wife know about SI and cover your tracks so she can't find that you're coming here. This needs to be a safe place for you and your wife and everyone else you know are NOT safe.

All of this bullshit and you just moved in to your new home (which is close to this piece of shit because your wife wanted to be close to him?????).

Hang in there Paul and please take care of yourself.

Will be praying for you and your kids.

Paul, you are making all types of assumptions regarding what is available to you in divorce.,you are totally wrong, IMO, about most of it.

See some lawyers pronto. You are in no different position th in than a woman SAHM. Spousal maintenance is available, a split of marital assets including her retirement fund, and you have a leg up on custody in this day and age.

Your marriage is over. I am sorry for your pain. Many of us have been through this and it is very traumatic.

And, why on earth can you not tell your kids? How old are they?

With regard to the job situation, I don’t know what area of the country you are in but minimum wage doesn’t mean what it used to. Since the economy is good (or was before the virus), many employers are paying more than minimum wage. I’ve picked up extra employment at Target and they’re paying 15.00 an hour for the time being. Point is, it’s not like it would have been 15 years ago. You can’t really live on minimum wage but it’s better than it was.

Plus a lot of places will work with your schedule so you can get your hours in and still be able to take care of your children. It’s not going to be easy but things aren’t as bleak as they were 15 years ago.

And you are definitely entitled to spousal support. And child support. It won’t be ideal but you can survive.

I’m sorry this nightmare is happening to you and your children. Based on what you said, and the way she was able to spend the night with him, he probably isn’t married. But definitely expose the affair to everyone. Especially to their HR. I wish you and your children luck. Show strength of character and be a lesson of integrity and respect that your children will remember.

A week ago, you might have been surprised at how often we see SAHDs who got cheated on. Today, I think you'll be less surprised. It's really not too much different than what we see with SAHMs. The dynamics are the same. The cheater undervalues the SAH partner and doesn't believe they have options. But, just like I wouldn't tell a SAHM that she has to tolerate an unfaithful spouse, I'm not going to recommend that to you either.

See an attorney. Find out what your rights and her responsibilities are. You don't have to file if you're not ready, but you do need to get a realistic picture of what your situation is. Cheating husbands can't just put their wives out or refuse to pay child support or spousal support... and neither can your WW do those things. You do have legal rights.

Now, is your life going to have to change? Yeah, I think you'd be wise to get some job training and get back into the job market. This is the same advice I would give to a SAHM in your situation. Your spouse has just PROVED to you that she can't be counted upon to do the right thing. Believe it. From this point on, you don't want to be in a position where you're forced to rely on her. That said, don't go rushing off to take some hamburger-flipping gig. If your WW decided to end the marriage today, she's paying you alimony. Get some legal advice so you can get positioned for a job which pays you well enough to live.

Next... boundaries. Boundaries are for you, not rules set out for a grown ass woman. So frame your boundaries as "I will" or "I won't", ie. "I will not tolerate living with a spouse who cheats on me or is in contact with her AP". Let your WW know that you're not tolerating it. If she wants her family, she's going to drop the AP. Otherwise, you're filing for divorce and full custody of the children with a morality clause to keep her paramour away from them. If she wants a boyfriend, there's the door and she shouldn't let it hit her in the ass, but she's not going to keep you as a husband and have a boyfriend on the side. Mean it. We don't put out ultimatums that we're not willing to enforce.

Frankly, it's going to be some time before you really know what you want. There's a chance that even if your WW turns into the model, remorseful WS, you won't want her anymore. Bide your time, to the extent you are able. This doesn't mean ignoring boundary-busters like contact with the AP. But it might mean pretending more tolerance for her presence than you actually feel. Ultimately, you want to get into a position where if your feelings for her change and you find you don't want her anymore, you can leave the marriage.

As far as all those freaks who knew and supported her in her deceit, take the high road. I know it would be super-satisfying to call each of them up and give them an earful, but you don't know how this thing is going to play out yet. If you end up in R, you don't want them undermining. Better that they feel a bit guilty about their behavior than defiant and plotting. Over the course of R (or D) you can distance them. They're a problem for later days.

Remember that in order for R to work, the betrayed spouse MUST gain the upper hand. This is one of those rare situations in which equality in partnership is actually a one-down. It's kind of like dogs living in a pack... your WW needs to show her underbelly and recognize you as leader. It's an unkind analogy when applied to people, but in terms of healing, it's apt. Your WW drove the bus into the ditch. She's got no business behind the wheel just now.

Cheating is ALWAYS about the cheater. It's not about you or anything you did or didn't do. It's about a hole in your WW's character. And that might be something you've never noticed before, but it's always been there. There's something inside her which is capable of saying "yes" to sustained perfidy. And THAT's the something she needs to fix. You can't fix it for her. She's the only one who can. As BS's we have a tendency to want to blame ourselves. But that's just a subconscious control mechanism, ie. if it's about us, we can change or fix it. We can't change or fix this because we didn't cause it and we can't control other people. So, let all that angst go. It's just a distraction. Concentrate on what you need to do in order to achieve the one-up. That's your center of power and where you'll find CHOICES.

I know all of this is very confusing, as new to betrayal as you are today. Read as much as you can in the Healing Library and I've got two book titles for you to read first: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda McDonald will help you identify the remorse of "successful rebuilders". And Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass will help you with boundaries. A cheater's boundaries are insufficient, and Glass does an excellent job helping us define and reinforce them.

Strength to you. I know it doesn't feel like it today, but you WILL get through this.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:14 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

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[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:04 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Wow, your WW is a real doozy. You are right that you can't trust her at all. She moved you closer to her AP so she can have easier access to him.

You should tell her to move in with her AP if she loves him so much. You need to cut off contact with her. Unless she makes some major changes, R is going to be a waste of time.

Paul:

Your story is sad and tragic, and your reaction of shock and depression is entirely understandable. There has been a flood of sympathy and advice on here, all of it very good-- I would expect no less from my fellow SI veterans. I've scanned what everyone had to say and I find my reactive comments were somewhat redundant to most of what is being said here, so I'll underscore a few messages of support.

You are not worthless.

You are NOT pathetic.

You are not too blame.

You are also not ridiculous.

You have been thrust into your wife's adultery by her choices. Breaking her vows and destroying her family is entirely on her. She did this, not you. She owned up to it. She doesn't seem to care about the impact which makes it far worse. She as much as said this was never a mistake, never a "fuckup".. it was her choice. She decided to fuck another man, and made several important life decisions to make adultery easy for herself. I want you to keep saying that to yourself. Constantly. She did this, Paul.. YES, that lady you loved, had a family with. She is absolutely capable of the worst form of betrayal a person can experience. You must, today, change your thought process about her. She is no longer that woman you married. That woman is gone. This woman, she resembles her, but you have to entertain the fact that she has acted like your enemy for a long time now, orchestrating a cover up for this adultery with several other individuals that were invested keeping this secret. From YOU. Does that sound like loving behavior? Does she even seem like a friend now? Do friends behave this way?

So what to do now? You've been shown a few paths here. Pursue them. You sacrificed your career for her, and she committed adultery on you. You keep saying that. Don't let that fact get away from you.

If the sexes were reversed, this would be cut and dried. That's old fashioned thinking. You have power here. Power to absolutely blow up her life and the life of her fuck buddy. Alimony? You bet. At the very LEAST. Full custody? Why not. You are the primary caretaker, yes?

Sweeping it under the rug so you can be a full time janitor and babysitter while Mommy fucks her new boyfriend and her friends and family laugh at Daddy? Oh HELLLLL NO. Don't do this, please. You have no idea what kind of misery you are going to sign up for. That would not be the act of a person who is anything more than desperate. You stand up for yourself, and the children. Nobody else is on your side? Make new friends. How about YOU going out and socializing? You have worth, you deserve some fun. Entitled mommy can stay home and figure out the babysitting now.

Of course, I recommend widespread exposure and revealing this inappropriate, illegal relationship to HR straightaway. She's destroyed your world. What more pain can she inflict now? Does the other guy have a wife or SO? I bet she would like to know about this.

PLEASE PLEASE don't check out on this. You cannot trust your wife any longer, don't let her drive your narrative. We will help as best we can.

How are you unemployable?

Sir...that's a no go. You have to be able to stand on your own two feet and earn a paycheck. It is a basic life skill...

Make that happen ASAP.

I’m so sorry for you. Realizing her family helped cover this affair is despicable!!!! They will never be friends of your marriage ever again after this. If you do R it will be difficult for you to be in their presence that’s for sure.

Secondly she’s out with the OM during this epidemic of a highly contagious disease? Refuse to allow her to come home. That will wake her up fast. Not saying it ends the A but it could propel the end if the OM is also married and she’s looking for more permanent things from him. He may drop her real fast.

And then tell her to stay with mommy and daddy until you are sure she’s not contagious or a Carrier or infected. No seeing kids. No seeing anyone in your home for an extended period.

Let her cry to her friends and family.

You should contact a D attorney immediately, know your rights, most likely you would be entitled to child and spousal support/alimony, that could give you time learn some skills.

The first thing you should do is EXPOSE the A with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any, and inform your children, they KNOW something is wrong, don't lie to them, they need at least one stable parent with integrity now, that's you, you can tell them in a sanitized way, like "mommy has a boyfriend and refuses to stop seeing him" and let your WW explain to them why she's betrayed the entire family (your children are being betrayed too).

Right now your ONLY logical choice is to at least start preparing for D, your WW refuses to give up her boyfriend and unless you want to remain in an involuntary open M, then you should prepare for filing, keep in mind filing for D is not the same as actually getting a D, it typically takes a long time and can be stopped before it's final if she comes around, ends her A, agrees to NC FOREVER, offers full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices, gets tested for STDs (she's she's been playing russian roulette with your health too), etc.

Keep posting frequently, your in the fight of your life and the collective wisdom of SI can help you go through your difficult situation, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, and we've literally seen it play out THOUSANDS of times here and in other websites.

A couple of flags popped out.

Firstly, family and friends knew. You could understand the friends but family. I strongly suspect that she has been gas lighting you severly. Lazy, hopeless, always abuses her and the children, she comes home from work and has to do everything, should never have married you, the list goes on.. This is what cheaters do. It's standard manipulation in wayward thinking. If you reconcile, this would need to be rectified.

To be frank, her recommitting to the marriage will be slim. The chances of the affair continuing is high. You have a chance if she is remorse, and if she finds another job. Both seem very unlikely.

Your best course of action is to see a lawyer quickly, and find out your legal entitlements. If divorce becomes a reality, do not contact her work as you and the children will need the financial support. This can be used as a bargaining chip to get the best outcome for you.

As has already been mentioned, educate/retrain. It is your sure way out of getting out of this situation, and any others that will arise.

Make sure you a getting some nourishment, even if it is a supplement shake. Ensure you hydrate, and limit or eliminate alcohol. Sleep is important. See your GP for sleep aids if needed. And last of all exercise. Exercise helps you burn off excess energy, and helps you sleep.

Hoping for the best for you and your family.

[This message edited by paboy at 6:33 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Paul, I’m sorry you are here. I know some of the stuff that people have written may be a little hard for you to hear, let alone embrace, right now. Even though the message(s) may be unpalatable, please keep an open mind. Everyone here has walked your path in some way, shape, or form. Consider their counsel, especially ways to look out for yourself as your figure out how to get yourself out of infidelity. I wish you well!

Paul, as the primary care provider for your children, WW is full time employment then, if you file for D, she will have to pay both child support as well spousal support to you. Seek legal advice for your location.

Get tested for STDs and STIs. Tell all of your anger for them supporting your WW in the destruction of your marriage. Her family and friends are toxic.

Inform HR ASAP.

Speak to the real estate agent. You and the children can not live in that home WW wanted.

Do you want to be watching you wife going on dates with the OM.

Move your and children’s gear out now. This isn’t negotiable.

Don’t talk to WW unless it is pertaining to your children.

There is no marriage here. She is using your services as a baby sitter and maid. WW has to look after her side of the living. You don’t do her laundry, cooking for her, nothing! Hard 180. Take the kids and have a week or two away, even if it is in a motel. Tell WW nothing, not where you all are, for how long. This isn’t a polygamist relationship.

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 10:33 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

You more than likely will be the custodial parent. Raising kids gives you amazing skills. Get an attorney and protect yourself.

L. Leave fear behind and be proactive. Fear is a jail cell with an open door that we choose to stay in or leave.

I. Invest in yourself. Go back to school. Learn a trade. Take control of your life. Care for your children and love them like crazy. Heal.

V. Victory is won with experience, faith, determination, and perseverance because they develop confidence. Self confidence and humility will transform your situation.

E. Escape from the oppression of an abusive spouse who has no regard or respect for you. Develop a plan, be decisive and strategic, and win the war. The enemy is not your wife or her POS affair partner. The enemy is accepting the status quo and not healing, growing, and empowering yourself.

It hurts every time I read a story like yours and it takes me right back to when I found out my XWW’s were cheating on me.

Second marriage, we were married 16 years and had three kids, very similar to you. I had been cheated on by my first wife and divorced her. It took years to get over that. My second wife knew about it and assured me that she would never do something so disgusting to me, but she did.

Please listen to the outstanding advice you’re getting here in this forum. we’ve all been through this before. We can predict what will happen next and We know how it end. You need to take the right steps, in the right order now to get yourself through this.

Like some have said, you need to find the anger in you to replace the sadness. You need to take action for you, your future, and your kids.

Talk to a lawyer now! The divorce laws could work for you because she is the bread winner. That means alimony, depending on the state. Child support for at least 50% of the time and 1/2 of all marital assets.

Do not expose her at work until after the divorce. She can’t pay you if she is unemployed.

Go cold and dark on her immediately. No more talks no more conversations, nothing, unless it’s about the kids.

Do not confide in her, do not share your feelings with her, do not talk to her, she’s not your friend. She’s not your wife anymore. Your wife is gone, you need to come to terms with that.

Here’s some more truth. Once a woman falls out of love and falls for another guy, they almost never come back. You need to except that and move on. I know its easier said than done but that’s the direction you need to be going in.

There must be consequences for her choices. The sooner she realizes that the better. Don’t let her be a cake eater with you at home raising the kids while she’s out living a separate life with her work husband. Make your wife sleep in the spare bedroom, on the couch or in the basement. Shes the one that broke your marriage contract, she can sleep somewhere else.

Trust me, After all of this sinks in, you will never want her back. You need to do everything you can to get her away from you as soon as possible. You can’t continue to live in the current situation, it will tear you apart emotionally and physically.