SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

mate whatever you end up doing long term,

short term get your arse into a solicitor.

your paying a full mortgage that your wife can claim half of.

get things down in black and white legally.

Retrain your mind and emotions. You have a good portion of your life in front of you.

Firstly an exercise regime. Upgrade your wardrobe.

Start pouring your heart and soul in to things you have been wanting to do.

You may not think that this is realistic at this point, but one foot in front of the other.

If you are going to remain in the home, reclaim it. Rearrange things. Up grade . Change. Install a new sound system and listen to music that you like. Make it your domain.

Upgrade should be your new motto

Ditto what J0ck and paboy said. Make the house yours and make the separation official. The more money you put into the house, the more you'll need to give her to buy her out. Protect your future. Go about life as though the woman you knew died and doesn't exist because that's what's happened. This life is about you. Don't waste any of it. You are the prize, not her. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Mornings are the absolute worst.

Despite the situation I just feel like crap in the morning but I get old dose of optimism that things might work out. Maybe she'll realise how she's messed things up and things in the marriage where no where near as bad as she thought (again I know not an excuse anyway for cheating). Maybe its just these "feelings" for the OM that's clouding her judgment on the marriage and me.

I know I know its messed up, sometimes your brain can really screw with you. As the day goes on I usually relax more into the reality and gravity of the situation.

[This message edited by IWMWB at 5:08 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Ok, you’re not in a horrific spot. Under 40, kids grown, stable job.

I D at 33 (no kids). Here’s what I recommend.

Get a hold of an attorney. Know your rights. Don’t be a jerk to your Wife but only discuss Divorce. In her eyes, you’re always plan B, that will never change. If she wants to talk about marriage use my line “Sorry, I don’t water dead flowers” .

Do not, I repeat, do not Date. You can have your fun, but don’t search for a GF right now. Hit the gym (or any physical activity) hard. And I mean hard. Be the best version of you.

Once you get your finances in order, get that Car.

I think you need to start seeing yourself as desirable.

See yourself like this, you are under 40, working out (so getting in shape), have a good job, no kids currently living at home, and your ex is out of the way. You also aren't scared of commitment to a new woman (You really need to get there).

So, your pool of dating is huge.

Divorced guys usually have lots of baggage, don't want to help raise someone else's kids, and don't want to start another committed relationship.

I have had 3 divorced female friends ask me in the last 2 weeks if I had any friends they could date. These women are gorgeous but worry that them being moms makes them undesirable. They also don't want a quick and done, but a guy who would be patient with them working around their kids schedule.

Those aren't issues for you are they?

Then you are going to be able to pick your next wife from a huge collection of good women who won't be playing games with you.

See yourself as the prize. Focus on the future and point your optimism on the future. Not on the past. You are still fresh, but the sooner you detach, the sooner you can start taking those first steps to making yourself happy.

Depression and self pity are the most dangerous things right now. Use anger to push/pull yourself up and start on making the new you. You can do this!

DoinBettr Is absolutely right.

A good friend of mine had his wife up and leave him and their three kids suddenly, once all the financial crap came to a head. She used “I’m not happy” and took off.

It was really tough for him. He focused on his kids, untangling the financial crap she had done, all the while managing a successful consulting firm.

4 years later, he is remarried, child support is done (kids aged out), he isn’t paying alimony (she shacked up with her BF), and based on how he managed the D process, she couldn’t touch the $1,000,000 in stock he sold a few years after the D was finalized.

Let me say, he is 53, in good shape and is a great guy. He had his choice of beautiful, smart, career focused women. Life for him is much, much better today than 5 years ago.

things in the marriage were no where near as bad as she thought...

That's true, they weren't. You have shown that they weren't insurmountable. But the are now, she has made certain of that. When you talk about her coming to her senses and choosing to come back. I don't think you realize what it is both of you would be coming back to.

I don't think you realize what it is both of you would be coming back to.

I do agree on this and I think you have a very valid point there. I've had a possible glimpse of what it could be like when she came back those past two weeks and it was not good with her lack of commitment.

IWMWB (I Want My Wife Back)

The above is not what you want to be thinking. What you should be thinking is that you MIGHT let her come back IF she fulfills your list of requirements. If she slacks on even one of them, then you don't want her back.

Realize that the woman you married is gone. She's never coming back. What you're now left with is a stranger; someone you never knew. It's important that you realize this as all of the steps to taking your life back rely on a clear concise reality check.

Take some time to bring yourself back to the real world. It's a painful thing to do but it's necessary in order for you to move on with your life with or without the betrayer you're calling your wife.

Meet with a lawyer and get a divorce agreement started. If you don't divorce it can be used as a post-nuptial agreement. This helps you to get control of your life back. Your cheating wife has derailed you. It's up to you to get your train back on the tracks and moving forward. Take actions that accomplish this goal; don't wait; do it now.

I wish the best for you.

I just don't understand why I can't find the anger at the way I have been treated in this situation. Instead all I have is is lingering hope that it turns around but at the same time I have a realisation I can't (and won't) live in hope either.

The problem is I just keep trying to rationalise this and keep saying maybe this guy is clouding her true feelings and shes made a mistake (we all do in life) and then of course I say to myself but this is a whole mess could we even recover from this. I think she buggered off with another man and chose him and I know I am worth more than than.

The thoughts and feeling are just a jumbled mess swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other.

I know dude. It's hell and it's going to continue to be hell. Push yourself to move your life forward. Don't allow yourself to stay where you are. Take baby steps and start with a solicitor or lawyer, according to where you live. Get the process started now. Go to the gym, take walks, make new friends, meet with friends for drinks, lunch, golf, anything that gets you active and living, visit family. Also let friends and family know what's going on so they can support you. Be honest with everyone but don't dwell on your situation so much that they don't want you around. You have many great years ahead of you. You're in your valley of death right now. Keep walking through it; don't stop while you're in there. As always, I wish the best for you.

IWMWB,

You have done a grand performance of pick me dance. But not to worry, a lot of us did, I did that too! What is important is what you do from today. We, at SI, very much hope that you put those dancing shoes in the closet.

Now, when married couples have issues, they sit down, discuss and solve those issues, and if it can’t be fixed, they sometimes divorce. That’s how it works.

This is what REALLY happened:

Your WW let herself fall in love with a coworker. Not wanting to be a bad guy, she found ways to justify it. It’s called blame shifting. “It’s your fault because...”. The thing is... you can’t solve marital issues by cheating. If it was the case, you could cheat with 1/2 dozen women, and your W could cheat with 1/2 dozen men and your marriage would be fantastic!

Your WW believes that she can now choose between her BF and her Husband. She figures, you are in love with her, so she can simply abuse you, keep you around (and who cares if you are hurting) and keep both of you. D is too messy, she says... in other words, stay around, take care of the house while I date my BF. If my BF annoys me, I’ll come back to my husband for a while.

You can’t control how your WW acts. You can control you.

What your WW is doing is selfish and abusive. It’s not a question of whether you can “win” the wife you love so much back, the question is... Why on earth would you want back someone like that? She would need to do a whole lot of convincing for you to maybe, perhaps consider trying to R.

Your best course of action with an unremorseful wife is to start the D process. Then you can mourn your relationship and move on. As for your WW, relationships that start with a cheating spouse don’t end well usually. But that’s her decision, her problem.

IWMWB, you are doing well despite what you might feel.

You mentioned in an earlier post that you have to wait a period of time to divorce in the UK. You actually don't even now. Bear in mind that the law is changing so that no fault divorce should appear on the statutes sometime next year - before your 2 years is up.

At the moment all divorce is "at fault". Someone has to take the blame in other words. Most people do what you are doing and go for either separation and consent after 2 years. You could try desertion but as you have adult kids its going to be tough to persuade a judge you don't know where she is or can't communicate with her. Equally waiting 5 years for separation without her agreement is too long.

That leaves you with 2 options to divorce more quickly than 2 years. One is to cite unreasonable behaviour which means one of you has to be the bad guy and accept the litany of the other spouses complaints. Unfortunately from observing friends you have to really air some dirty washing (real or otherwise) and I suspect most people don't like that idea. The second option is to cite adultery. Now I am not suggesting that you go all out to find incontrovertible proof via a PI that she is unfaithful. You don't have to. If you look at the forms for starting a divorce - you can download them and the notes from the Court Service web site - if you sue on the grounds of adultery, there is a tick box that says "Does the other party admit to the adultery?" or similar. Essentially if your wife agrees to it, you tick the box. She gets a letter from the court saying do you agree and the divorce goes forward at whatever speed the courts are running at currently.

Theoretically you could fill out and submit the divorce application yourself without a solicitor. You have no minor children and your wife is not dependent on you. However, as others have suggested you need legal clarification on your material assets so it's worth having a legal view. What I found really useful was to study the divorce forms and guidance before I met with solicitor so I had an idea of the choices and process. I used the adultery option because my ex wife was desperate to get away from me so she agreed. This meant that the bulk of my legal costs were in splitting the material assets.

You need a solicitor for sure but you can do a lot to help yourself. The HM Court Service actually has a very good set of notes on getting divorced written in plain English (or Welsh) taht I found demystified the whole process.

Whatever you decide though, best of luck and know that it will get better.

So my WW called me about her mobile phone as its still in my name and she asked me to cancel it so that she could get her own contract in her own name, so thats all be done. We spoke for about 40 minutes calmly about various things like about our house (I am keeping it, paying for it and staying in it) and she was concerned about what would happen if I was to meet someone else what would happen to it etc. I told her the house is protected as we are not divorced and can't be for 2 years (in the UK) and we could decide what will happen should divorce be on the cards at this time.

I don't know it was a very strange calm talk as if we had both resigned ourselves to the fact that marriage was over. Which of course it is because shes said it is and is moving on with the OM.

We chatted about the future and she said she was going to look at some private rentals near her workplace, I asked her if she was going to live alone or if the OM was moving with her. I suspect that the OM is going with her but she said she hadn't thought that far ahead yes but as far as I know they are full steam ahead but of course I have no idea (not that it matters). I told her I was ready to work on our marriage but of course would not do that with the OM on the scene, I said to her at this stage I have some hope but I will not put my life on hold and I need to move forward for me and work on myself.

I told her that I really hope she has thought this through and that she wasn't making decisions based on her feelings right now for the OM but she of course started the blame shifting (albeit not as forcefully) saying it wasn't but that it was due to our finances and the fact I didn't spend much time with her (to an extent this is true as finances where a source of tension but we did have plenty of disposable income and I have always worked weird hours being self employed) and she said she had been unhappy for a couple of years and she knows she should have spoken up about it but then she just clicked with the OM (puke). I told her I want her to be happy and if that means its without me then that's her decision and so we should move forward with our separate lives.

Right now I just don't know how much of a WW is talking rather than this just being the natural end of a marriage (albeit she left with someone else waiting in the wings). At this point we have nothing else to discuss so there is no reason for us to be in touch now for quite some time. I guess this conversation left me deflated somewhat and that little light of hope has distinguished and isn't feeling as though it pulling me back now, its still there but it feels like more of a distant hope that if things are going to change its not going to be for sometime (perhaps if the relationship with the OM fails).

I remained calm and tried to show no emotion and tried to be a lighthouse should she be able to find her way back.

So as it stands I move forward as a single man and start doing things for me (bought a new bed, got some new paint for bedroom and I have re-arranged the furniture in the living room and taken down pictures of her, wedding ring is still on).

Right now you are behaving like a willful doormat. Time to start growing a pair and get some passion back in your heart

You are young and could start off again. Let her have what she wants. Don't play the pick-me game. What you need is some self respect and boundaries.

No one should ever think of you as plan B or put you in second. Don't compete for her. Go see a lawyer and move on mate!

Stop engaging with her. She is gone. Be that grey rock. What you do is of no concern to her.

Buffer

only talk about financial matters and divorce settlement.

do not let her engage you on any other subject for WW will

only use that time to blame shift and justify her PA.

otherwise go NC with WW.

I remained calm and tried to show no emotion and tried to be a lighthouse should she be able to find her way back

All the while she has nonstop sex with OM, brother you need to man up and stop being a doormat, it makes you look very weak, please tell her you're NOT an option anymore, you keep smoking the "hopium pipe" hard, despite you claiming the contrary you ARE telling her you'll be there waiting like a "lighthouse" so that she can find "her way back" from being lost at sea (I mean in OM's bed), please remove yourself from this humiliating situation and at least save your dignity, don't wait on her just file for D and have her served, don't even tell her anything else, she's a grown woman that knows having a boyfriend should and is more than reason enough to D so no surprises there, if she asks again about the house, tell her if you keep it and buy her out it's yours and you can do with it and live with whomever you want in it.

Again, there's nothing to save or hope for here, please file for D and end this farce.

IWMWB:

Glad to see you are moving on to something better. You deserve better. Look, the truth is, you were not a perfect H and she was not a perfect W. A marriage is just two imperfect people doing the best they can. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M, caused your WW to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to do it. All of this blameshifting on you and saying she was unhappy is just a pathetic rationalization for failing her own moral code. She failed you and can’t face that fact, and it’s easier to blame you. That way she doesn’t have to deal with her own failings.

You are young. You will get through this and be fine. Always value yourself. File for D and please go no contact. This person is not worthy of you. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:02 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]