SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

your posts seem to have an underlying feeling of resentment that your husband is not reacting as you expect.

To me, it sounds like a lot of learned helplessness and exhaustion. That’s what abuse does and I haven’t seen anything to suggest that Patty’s H has started getting help for his abusive behavior.

Unhealthy, frustrating, unfair? Sure. But understandable, at least to me.

Certainly cannot reconcile if both parties are not all in nor if the betrayal is being used as a weapon. If that's the case and you don't expect it to change, skip trying to R and head straight for D.

Maybe it is as simple as saying I'm sorry I hurt you, but I cannot live with you using my betrayal as a stick to beat me with. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. We always talk about how the WS needs to be understanding of the pain we BS can feel, but that doesn't give the BS the right to use the pain abusively, especially long term.

I have accepted that I am a cheater but I am learning that's not who I attend to be the rest of my life. I am making changes for myself and to show my husband that I am sorry for the pain, the lies, betraying him, the abuse for it all. In the end I am just told I am a bad wife for cheating and in his head I am a cheater forever. So no amount of work will ever change that about me.That he doesn't think he can move forward with me. I took any kind of Future for us and since we don't have kids or have been married long. We don't have much to work on. So it's best we divorce. I simply tell him I will support him in any decision he chooses. He asks why do I want to make it work because he will never treat me the same and he will just continue to be mean towards me. Things we're rough before the affair and I made it ten times worse. So he isn't going to treat me nice at all. I don't expect him to treat me good. I tell him I deserve it. I told him when he is ready to file for divorce I will be there. I know he has tried to make it work with me but he can't. Also he hasn't been to therapy. But he does read and he is a member. I have got back into therapy and I read each day. But it's not enough. So I am trying to be better for myself and really get the help I need to get through past trauma and my affair. So one day I can truly be happy with myself or with someone else. I have to start over and I really need to think about my life.

He asks why do I want to make it work because he will never treat me the same and he will just continue to be mean towards me. Things we're rough before the affair and I made it ten times worse. So he isn't going to treat me nice at all. I don't expect him to treat me good. I tell him I deserve it.

This is something that you need to dig into with your IC. It's connected to why you cheated instead of leaving the relationship. Staying with him while he continues to mistreat you makes you MORE wayward than someone who chooses to save themselves and prevent themselves from making a self destructive choice because they feel stuck and resentful. It's easy to say that you will accept the mistreatment indefinitely as a form of self punishment but it's a different story when you have been living with it for years. You deserve to be happy and healthy just as much as he does. If the only way you can find that is through D, you too should get to a place where you can accept D as the best choice for yourself much like he has.

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

I am not trying to leave but if my husband doesn't think he can work with me or get over it. I can't force him to stay with me. I am in therapy so I will dog deeper on why I cheated. I don't want to continue old patterns. I want to rebuild and be a safe partner for my husband or for myself if things don't work out. I am here for my husband in any way he lets me. I know right now his emotions are all over the place. So I just try to understand and support him through this time

Patty... in terms of where you've been in this recovery from the A, you're in a better place now than where you were. Yes, you're still in a situation that doesn't look good but from what you posted, it has improved. This is not over yet.

Do your best to support him and to not annoy him. Don't ever give him any reason to think that you're not all in. You are making progress and after all that mess that is all you can hope for and work toward. It will take him a long time to see you differently but he seems to be moderating somewhat.

Fully expect him wanting to end it every few days. That is a common thing in these recoveries. In between those kinds of statements, he really feels that he doesn't want to end it. He just won't say it.

You're trying very hard, but this is still very early and will take a lot longer and more of the same to some degree. I wish you well.