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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:00 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021
Here's my take.
Masturbation is not cheating.
Cheating essentially requires two things:
1) A romantic and/or sexual relationship with another person
2) Keeping that relationship a secret from your significant other
Masturbation is not a relationship with another person. It's with yourself.
He is still lying though, and when trust is the main thing that needs rebuilding, he's got to stop lying.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021
Here's how you respond to your WH:
It doesn't matter if you lied about cheating on me again or if you lied about what you had for breakfast that morning. You think lying in a marriage is OK. You're so comfortable lying that it's your natural reaction to any discussion that's even slightly uncomfortable. You think you get to decide what I should know or what I need to know. Unless you back your words up with action and earn my trust by being consistently forthright and truthful, nothing you say has any meaning and I will always be suspicious of what you're not saying as well.
[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:17 PM, Monday, September 20th]
BW, 40s
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 9:55 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021
I know you have said that you can't afford more counseling... but what's the alternative? Separation or divorce? Both of which aren't cheap either?
If he is a sex/porn addict, it is possible that he is setting you up in a role as "parent" and intentionally lying/sneaking around about masturbation. Think about it - you originally did not care if he masturbated or not. You don't really want to control him like that. But he's set up this dynamic by handing you the responsibility to "keep him clean" which includes confronting him for masturbation because he sees it as a slippery slope. There is no way to untangle this web of mess and deception solo. There is no way that you or him can rise to level of expert to address this deeply held need for him to be sneaky and get a sexual release from it. Or to address his shameful feelings around masturbation in the first place. You can find a way to get him to someone who can help or you can choose to opt out. Continuing this unhealthy dynamic of lying, hiding, confronting, and betrayal is not healthy for you.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:44 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021
IMO, the masturbation is up to you. You get to set your boundaries.
I, too, am concerned about the lies - about the masturbation and about who the lying protects.
I'm also potentially concerned about his mission to make you feel safe. I'd much prefer for him to take as his mission something like 'doing the next right thing' or 'being a good partner' or 'changing from betrayer (liar?) to good partner'.
It may be that he's trying to please you, and pleasing another person requires ...IDK... walking on eggshells or doing something else that's impossible. He isn't you and can't know what is going to please you 100%. He CAN almost always know what 'the next right thing to do' is. (The exceptions are lose-lose hypothetical ethical dilemmas like, 'Do you donate one of your kidneys to someone or not?')
Like stevesn, I'm not saying you should end your M. I'm saying that you've come across some significant issues here, and you and your H need to thrash them out.
And as neko points out, a good MC is almost always cheaper than even the least contested D.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
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