SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hate to hear of your situation. Full transparency - I am not a proponent of staying together "for the kids" because, in large part, as a child I lived through a similar situation and my parents stayed together far too long then they should - for me. The tension during that time was terrible - and I would be shocked if your kids didn't notice it. I have a few old posts out there detailing my experience at that time. Interestingly, as a younger kid (around 7-10 during that whole mess) my experience was different from my younger sibling (who is 5 years younger) - she does not remember my parents being together, and when my Dad moved out she seemed genuinely happy about having another bedroom to decorate. I was initially very unhappy when my Dad moved...but really it didn't last as the peace of their separation was so much easier to deal for me.

It's all about the children. At that age parents and family are their world, they love us both. I am not sure I can bring myself to ruin their world.

And as I'm sure others have noted - you did not ruin their world - your WS did that. Unfortunately you have to be the adult in the room and fix their world that your WS blew up the best you can. Don't forget that for your own sanity.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:54 PM, Friday, May 2nd]

Using social media is a gamble. There’s always the risk AP might intercept your message. If this isn’t his first rodeo you might even be blocked on her socials. If she works and you can find out where I’d send her a message there along with whatever proof you’re comfortable supplying.

Or since you now have a name you can use a PI to locate her and deliver the proof.

I reached out to one OBS through Facebook messenger and it sat for months with no response. If you are not friends it will go to a different folder (or at least it did in the past). I decided to search the internet for alternative information and found she was on the board of a non profit, it listed all the members and their email addresses.

I sent an email directly got to the point. "Hello my name is Tanner and I have discovered my W had a ONS at conference in [City] on this [date]. As I have gone through the evidence it turns out to have been with your H [A Holes name]. Feel free to reach out if you would like to discuss."

She responded immediately and we had a phone call.

Sometimes an OBS can be resistant to the truth. I remember initially confronting all parties with my concerns and the OM and OBS (and my WS) all denied and OBS just said she didn’t think it was true. So eventually I got a PI, blew it up by confronting OM, and foolishly at that point didn’t even concern myself with OBS. I think that allowed things to continue underground until finally I approached OBS with hard evidence she could not deny - and then she phoned my wife and cussed her out called her a whore and told her to never contact her husband again. Point being that some spouses simply are clueless - unless you have the goods, they may simply dismiss what you are saying to preserve their world and avoid the horror of the truth. God bless and saying a prayer for you right now for grace and wisdom.

I am still torn as to whether to tell the OBS.
I know it's the right thing to do and will blow this up but the problem being we are still living together/need to live together and have two young children to care for. I also know she is building a narrative about me.
My worries are that if I do tell OBS she will be furious - this will make home life even worse (she is already incredibly angry with me) and I worry she will turn the kids against me or even make up some false allegations.
Does anyone have any experience where this has gone wrong?
My we need to co=parent for the foreseeable future so I am trying to keep it amicable as possible for their sake.
Plus I don't want her to get nasty in the D process which I feel she will if I spoil her stupid little fantasy.

One part of me wants to play it safe the other part wants me to do and blow up it and bring them back down to earth - currently she has faced NO consequences at all.

Your wife is having an affair..

What exactly are you playing safe..

I feel you have gotten yourself stuck in infidelity. Getting stuck is a choice with all of the consequences that are associated with it.

Does she have any respect for you now?

Do you communicate?

Does she come and go to see the other man as she pleases?

Is there any intimacy at all between you?

Does she still express feelings of love for you?

What is there to keep her with you? Is she waiting for the other man to leave his wife? This likely will not happen unless his spouse finds out and kicks him out or files for divorce.

If the relationship with the other man fizzles out do you think she will find another man or turn her attention back to you?

Is your relationship such that she can do as she wishes with whoever she wants?

Has she checked out of the marriage?

I feel you should make preparations in case she decides to make changes in her living arrangements and marital status with you.

dazedandconfused66

I reached out to the OBS via FB. It was the only way I could contact him.

I had a bad feeling in my gut prior to the weeks leading up to when I messaged him. I wasn’t sure if it was guilt, nerves, how is he going to take this, what if he already knows or what if he doesn’t care, etc.

When I finally took the plunge and messaged him, the conversation didn’t exactly go as I had planned. He didn’t really seem to care, because apparently he "knew" … I shared with him how it went down at my house once I found out (kicked my husband out, etc) … well, apparently he kicked his wife out too (weird, because he’s works away and isn’t home much, how can he kick her out … who is watching the kids - his family is far away). I was trying to provide him with information/details - he didn’t seem to care, in fact he brushed over most of what I was telling him (which I thought was weird).

The only thing he really cared to know was "how I found out" - at this point in time I just had alarm bells going off. When my H broke things off, he never told her how I found out. Now, this is the only piece of information he seemingly wants to know. In my gut, I had a feeling that she was behind that entire conversation.

Regardless how you inform the OBS, it is a gamble on how they will react. My reco is to make sure you have some undeniable proof to show her and if possible try to obtain her phone number or another means of communication that you can confirm it’s actually her.

Your WW has consequences for her actions. Don’t be scared to step on her toes. She’s put you through hell and all you’re trying to do is the right thing.

RIPPED62 please see below

Does she have any respect for you now? NO

Do you communicate?NOT REALLY apart from kids/dinner related

Does she come and go to see the other man as she pleases? POSSIBLY

Is there any intimacy at all between you? NO

Does she still express feelings of love for you? NONE

What is there to keep her with you? Is she waiting for the other man to leave his wife? This likely will not happen unless his spouse finds out and kicks him out or files for divorce. THE LIFE/HOUSE/CHILDREN/MY CHILDCARE
NOT SURE WHAT SHE IS WAITING FOR, I AM ASSUMING ME TO FILE FOR D. SHE WON'T DO IT/WON'T ADMIT SO WILL PAINT ME AS THE BAD GUY (I DO HAVE PROOF). I THINK SHE HOPES THAT I FILE, SHE GETS ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AND SHE CAN KEEP CARRYING ON.

If the relationship with the other man fizzles out do you think she will find another man or turn her attention back to you? NO IDEA

Is your relationship such that she can do as she wishes with whoever she wants? PRETTY MUCH. I HAVE GIVEN UP ASKING WHERE/WHO

Has she checked out of the marriage? YES

I feel you should make preparations in case she decides to make changes in her living arrangements and marital status with you
IF SHE DID FILE/MOVE OUT I WOULD BE RELIEVED

So would you feel relieved if you filed and moved out? The practical result would be very similar to that of her filing and moving out, no?

sisoon

possibly but I have nowhere to go at the moment
don't want to leave the family home (for future legal reasons)
and don't feel like I should be the one!

Dazed

Have you spoken to counsel at all about your legal options? I can tell you from my own experience that finances (and my career trajectory) were what allowed me to convince myself to stay for so long, more than anything else. It sounds like you are in that position too as you clearly recognize that the living situation as you described cannot possibly be anything close to ideal for raising kids. What I will tell you is that since I left my WH, I am most definitely poorer financially. I am also 100000% most definitely happier. Not because life is easy nor is it because my life is so fantastic now - neither is true. But, I do not have to deal with all the issues that are plaguing you any more - and that change is so clearly better.

Tell the OBS and let the chips fall as they may. Right now you have thrown up the white flag and in turn are allowing your WS to continue this horrible situation.

As to why your WS does not file for D? Well, first off - her AP is married. There is no guarantee that if she leaves her marriage the AP will do the same. My WH's AP was also married and it was like a game of chicken between the two of them (I read a lot of their texts) - both talked about divorce and being together but neither one of them made the move. Their reasons for not doing it were total lies. WH lied and told AP I wanted to stay even when I was looking for work out of state and that we had complicated financial entanglements that we absolutely did not (our D financially was super easy as we had contracts that governed everything we owned together). OBS also told me that some of the reasons AP had come up with were bullshit as well. IMO the reason neither one made the move was likely because they were not sure the other one would too and/or because they were not 100% sure they wanted to and narcissism needs assurance.

The person who ended up making the move was me - I filed and I blew up the A with the OBS (who was a friend of my WH - and WH was in OBS/APs wedding and AH/OBS/and AP all worked together in an insanely high-stress and super weird job so it was a very ugly scene). OBS ended up divorcing AP about two years after we did. No one is better off financially. OBS and I are better off mentally and emotionally as is OBS-APs child, according to OBS who I ran into about 6 months ago at the grocery.

Your WS may also be concerned about finances, especially in light of point number one. What happens to your WS if AP doesn't leave his spouse - so there is no dual income to fall back on and WS ends up alone? I'm guessing this is also a factor as it does not sound like either of you are independently wealthy.

The choice here is yours - get yourself out of infidelity or continue to subject yourself and your kids to an inherently unhealthy situation. I can tell you from my own experience, what sticking around ultimately cost me was a lot of mental anguish and about 2 extra years of paying for IC. That being said, I also know that when people said similar things to me when I was in your position I did not want to hear them. I had a lot of excuses that I look back on now and know I was kidding myself a bit. While I'm not saying you are doing that here, holding yourself accountable will help you going forward.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:13 PM, Thursday, May 8th]

Thisissolonely

Thank you so much for your wisdom.
I know that I need to file and very soon.
This situation is not good for my wellbeing and the kids are starting to pick up on things.
The only thing that holds me back is the children. The thought of not seeing them everyday, putting them to bed etc and telling them about the D terrifies me.
Plus I guarantee she will turn them against me.

I love the house we live in. I put my life’s work into this. If I do have to move out I hate the fact that she will still be in the house with my children! Whilst I downsize. Picking/dropping them off from the family home would destroy me, but I would do this if their lives are not as disrupted.

I just never thought I would be in this situation.
Family is everything to me.
I’m a decent, honest man and have given everything to this family.

I may be still in shock. Sometimes I feel like this is not all real?

And angry today! At her for doing this to our family.

The 2-5 years healing timeline sounds very scary.

Sorry for rant x

Dazed

I think the biggest inhibitor can be fear. Fear is often caused by lack of knowledge.
I think a lot of what you share is fear caused by not knowing your options. This is also creating your inability to react. Like your fear of letting the OM wife know. Your fear of giving the speech...
You are controlled by fear – and that is so common for us in the early days.

I already gave you what I think is your best shot at saving this marriage OR clarifying if you need to progress to divorce. The "Wife. I never envisioned..." speech. If nothing else it clarifies what lies ahead, and it removes the power from her to you. Once the speech is out, it’s your call if you wait for one hour, one week or one year to contact a solicitor. Of course I think your best bet is to act at a relatively fast pace (definitely not wait a year), but it gives her time to react and show her true colors once she sees YOU are making changes.

If this ends in divorce then yes, there will be changes. But it’s not a foregone conclusion that she get’s the house and you don’t get any financial compensation for that. That she get’s the kids full time. That you will have to support her financially beyond whatever child-support is determined. That you move out. That the two of you even keep the family home.
It’s not even a foregone conclusion that this ends in divorce once your wife sees that she doesn’t have control.

What is probably foregone though is that with no change there will be no change....
If you be unhappy, remember...

I have a divorced single-dad colleague who has his kids on average every second to third week. They have a rather good and flowing arrangement, so he might have them for 2-3 weeks straight, and then not see them for some time. I guess it averages every second week.
However... This guy works like a dog the weeks he doesn’t have them. He probably averages 60-70 hours, but then the weeks he has the kids it drops, and if he works its from the home office. He says that he spends MORE time with the kids than when married.

Don’t move out until you see an atty.

To let the OBS know-my friend had a PI come to her house after her WH left for work. The OBS had hired the PI, got photos, and that’s who told my friend. It was the absolute best way to handle it!

See an attorney now. Interview a few of the best in your area, choose the one you like best. There may be things you need to do before filing.

I wonder if having proof of the A, like from a PI, would be incentive for your wife to stop painting you as the villain? The attorney might have thoughts on that. Also get advice on informing OP before or after filing.

Your wife made the choice. I have friends divorced with kids and those kids grew up great.