SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

the best way to end an affair is to expose it.

Find the wife. Do not tell your wife. Inform his wife of the affair gently with some specifics.

The husband of my husband's affair partner found about about the affair, didn't tell me, confronted both of them, they said the affair would end, blah, blah, blah, the affair continued. Had he told me everything would have stopped immediately, less heartache and destruction.

Twenty years later, I still resent him for trying to protect ME.

Just to add, my husband cheated with his co-worker when he traveled to her site.

Another thought: I insisted my husband leave that job. He did.

[This message edited by annb at 8:12 PM, Monday, August 24th]

There are a lot of tell the wife posts and that is the norm. The only question for you is the timing. If you called today and your gf gets fired tomorrow is that to your advantage financially? You are still going to have to unwind a lot of financial obligations. If that’s not an issue then go for it. Be prepared for all kinds of entrenchments and blame shifting when you do.

Quick Update:

Thanks again for all the support.

I know it won’t do me any good to drown my sorrows and I need to think clearly. It hit home when someone said "she isn’t going to care if you drown." And I know nobody is coming to save me.

It’s been about 3 days since my last drink and about 10 days since the truth came out.

I’m still in shock and have just been in survival mode. I haven’t been able to process what has happened because I’m busy trying to figure out my day to day; meals, where I’m going to sleep, do laundry etc.

She’s been messaging daily. Sometimes with seemingly sincere gestures:

Her:
"Would you be open to seeing a professional counselor together to talk through everything? I don't want you to be alone with this and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to support you. I don't deserve anything from you, but I would do anything to start earning your trust back if you can find it in your heart.
I'm sorry for shattering your world, you don't deserve the way I treated you. This past week has opened my eyes to a lot and I'm sorry it took all this trauma to see how delusional I've been.
I don't have any good answers for how I acted but if you're open to going to a therapist together maybe someone can help guide us through that and I want to be open and honest without causing you any more trauma, Please consider it"

And while I was JUST typing this she just texted me:
"Are you having a nice night?"

-Like wtf do you think?!!!

Then more messages came through… small talk chit chat. She told me she had a busy day blah, blah. She’s sending me pictures of her mom, and family. -Like everything is ok?!

Meanwhile, I know I have to check out of my hotel tomorrow or pay ANOTHER $150/nt or use more hotel points from her "fuck trips."

She’s heading on another work trip for the week. I plan to head to the house after work, at least for a couple nights, maybe more if I can stomach it to save some cash & points.

It’s hard to imagine getting over her or even imagining my life without her though, while sleeping in our bed, looking at our stuff, smelling her clothes. I need a fresh, clean break. Or total separation from her for a while to even wrap my head around what has happened and to even picture myself moving on or learning to live alone again.

I’m frantically looking for apartments but can’t find anything reasonably priced that isn’t depressing as hell and I’m afraid I’ll just slip into a dark place if I don’t have a place with some natural light, away from the freeway etc.
Hoping to find a short term, furnished rental but seems impossible to find.

I have a zoom meeting with a therapist on wednesday. It’s only an hour and I know they won’t solve all my problems but it can’t come soon enough. I really don’t have anyone to talk to at all and I have to get out of my head. I think I’ve actually been mumbling to myself out loud in public

I’m mostly convinced I’m going to tell his wife. Just waiting until I’m "stabilized." I found her online today and even their home address. Oh, and according to the internet search, he’s 65. WTF

I’m glad you are doing somewhat better. Keep it up.

Her therapy talk is interesting in that it reads like you are the one she thinks needs it more. She is willing to do anything, except volunteering to quit and leave the OM. Kinda says it all huh?

Oh. If you do move in before she takes off, do not under any circumstances sleep with her no matter what she says or does. You need time and that will only confuse things more.

Finally, if she is staying with her mom anyway, why doesn’t she move out and let you stop spending on hotels.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 3:37 AM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Do you think you could get her to agree to move out of your house? I know it’s hard when it’s "our bed" and all that, but if you can’t find somewhere else, if she’s truly remorseful she could move out and give you that space. Not perfect, but better than hotels isn’t it?

Nobody here thinks couples counseling is a good solution for your situation. She ought to be in IC figuring out her "answers" for how she acted. Here we call them "whys", as in why she did what she did, why she gave her permission to cheat, why she chose to annihilate your relationship and your heart. She should figure that out before you sit with a counselor trying to understand your relationship.

If you need a clean break, tell her that. Tell her that you don’t want to hear about her day, or how her mom is doing, or that she’s thinking about you. Tell her that you need some time to recover and that it’d help you if she moved out of the house and left you alone for a period of time. How she handles that will be informative, don’t you agree? After all, she’s willing to do anything to support you, she said so herself.

Really glad you put the booze away.

There is no reason not to tell the OBS. I think I said this earlier, but your WGF isn’t all that exposed. AP is though. Bosses that sleep with subordinates are vulnerable. They want to fire her, they have a sexual harassment lawsuit to deal with.

Your pain is screaming through the screen, and we hear you brother.

OP, post #5:

I said; "I haven’t even had time too process what happened because now I’m homeless, living in hotels, spending all of my money just trying to survive the consequences of your choices.

I have a thousand problems to deal with right now because of what you’ve done."

She offered to help pay for some of the hotel, (she has a ton of hotel points because of her "fuck trips.")

As hard as it was to do, I reluctantly agreed. I had a moment of "why not use her, like she used me" kind of thing. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not. Hard to swallow my pride but she has a huge support system and plenty of money & points.

She absolutely should pay for your hotels. ALL of it as far as I am concerned in fact.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by removing yourself from her presence and making yourself scarce. All too many BHs try for R way too soon. You see, there is nothing to talk about with your WW now--it was not you who cheated and it sure as hell was not the marriage's fault either.

Please please take care of yourself physically. And for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE, STAY AWAY from alcohol and weed. Physical exercise including heavy compound weights is also a great prescription.

Meanwhile, yeah, AP's wife needs to know so she can have agency. This is about her own life too.

You'll get through this. You have friends here indeed man.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:06 AM, Tuesday, August 25th]

Plaidbartender- Heartbreaking story - tears when I read it last night. I hope you cash that check that she gave you, sell the place that you just bought, to start your new life somewhere else. Leave it all behind. A brand new clean start wherever you want. You've had your alcohol binge, your time away from her. Now is the time to regroup and make a decision and plan to make the rest of your life better. She isn't offering you that and she can't be trusted if she did offer that. You can trust yourself to offer yourself that. It is time to act and refuse to be a doormat any longer. I hope and pray that you get away from her. A real estate agent can help you sell your property, and you don't even have to be there for that. The place that I bought after my divorce - the seller wasn't in the same room at our closing (he was hours away). Your best life is not with this woman. You've made it this far. You can be happy again. Plan your new life, where, when, how. Keep posting. We're all here for you.

This:

Finally, if she is staying with her mom anyway, why doesn’t she move out and let you stop spending on hotels

I’m mostly convinced I’m going to tell his wife.

There is no better thing you could do RIGHT NOW to help your situation. What fear stops you from doing this?

"There is no better thing you could do RIGHT NOW to help your situation. What fear stops you from doing this?"

-Not sure how it could help my situation AT ALL. What makes you say that??

And I definitely have some fears (I know he has guns) but that's not what's stopping me. I just have to make myself a priority first and find another place to sleep tonight. I just found out where they live and I'm working up the balls to make a visit, I guess.

There isn’t anything to work up. You worry just about yourself tonight once you get situated. Seriously, it’ll take probably a year for the divorce. Lay down, focus on one thing in your room for as long as possible. Look at ten items in your room and say what they are out loud. Why? You’re going to make an emotional decision at a time that your name badge should read ‘Mr Strategy’.

Tomorrow you’ll have tons of advice from thousands of people who are all in the same unfortunate club that you belong. It’s not a horrible place. I mean….I’m a pretty damn happy person but I wasn’t always that way.

Note to everybody, OP is not married.

++++++++++++++

Plaidbartender,

There’s no urgency to tell the OBS unless you care that the affair is still ongoing. And if they still work together (and go on trips together!) you have to consider the affair as ongoing.

But it doesn’t sound like you care all that much about that since you are breaking up.

Your main problem seems to be where to sleep.

You have a house. I know that it hurst to be there, because it reminds you of her. When my GF cheated on me and left me for someone else, I had to sit next to her everyday. That was…difficult. Most everyone here who was betrayed probably stayed in their house for at least some period of time.

How about this idea: ask her to move out. She wants to earn your trust back? Ask her to give you some time, you don’t know how long that may be, but some time to get out of crisis mode. Ask her to get her things out of the house. Instead of spending $150/night for some fleabag hotel, spend that on some paint. You said your house is small, how about repainting it? That will get rid of her smell and all that. Move the furniture around, redecorate a little bit.

Change the locks if you want. You can sort out selling the place or whatever once you’ve calmed down some. With nothing but love and compassion in my heart, I tell you that all this vagabonding around is a bit dramatic.

Hope your session with the therapist goes well today.

-Not sure how it could help my situation AT ALL. What makes you say that??

This entirely depends on whether or not you care about her having an affair and whether or not you want to attempt reconciliation.

If you care and think reconciliation is a possibility then blowing up the affair by telling OBS is one of the single best ways, tested time and time again, to throw a bucket of ice water on the fantasy of the affair. 95% of the time the affair partner will drop the cheating spouse/partner like a hot potato and focus all of his/her attention on trying to save his/her own relationship.

Seeking revenge on you is extremely unlikely. If he's focused on saving his own relationship how is it going to look if he's seeking revenge on you? Plus it's illegal.

Plus it is just the right thing to do. How would you feel if his partner knew about what your girlfriend has been doing and withheld it from you?

Now, if you don't care and just want to end it that changes the scenario and gives you less reason, but you will know there's a spouse out there being cheated on and she's completely clueless and being mistreated the same way you were. I personally wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I'd damn sure want to know and would appreciate it. Ultimately it's up to you, tho.

How did your therapy go. I hope it was with a trauma specialist.

I would tell her that in order to even start talking about rebuilding anything down the road, she must start weekly sessions with an infidelity specialist. No working on you as a couple until she's worked on herself for at least 6 months.

Then I would tell her she can never be alone with her boss again and she needs to prove that to you. Until she can, no work on the relationship.

Finally, long term and starting now, she needs to interview and find a new job away from him. No work between the two of you until that happens and he is out of both your lives forever.

Please continue to post and get the support you need.

*Update*

Thanks again for all the support and feedback. Sorry if this is a long one.

I crashed at an old friend’s house for a night and we polished off a case of beer. But he gave me a spare key and said the door is always open. It’s only 15 min from my work and really nice offer for a back up plan. I still feel like a burden though and don’t want to disrupt his routine.

I’ve frantically looked for apartments and even cheap houses for sale down by my job but they’re both a big commitment. It’s been about 13 days now but I’m starting to come out of the fog and realize I have to make some tough decisions. I can see light at the end, that I COULD move on and start over. I really thought my life was ending.

Call me a pig but I kind of just want to have sex with someone else. To really picture myself with another woman. Someone told me; "the easiest way to get over somebody, is to get under somebody else".
I don’t know if it would actually help though and honestly, I might cry in the bathroom after having sex.
Not to mention, I’m almost 50 with a grey beard and a little beer belly, and not sure how to even date anymore.

The therapist appt was just a short & sweet zoom call. It took the entire hour for me to vent the details and her 2 minutes of advice was immediate survival; food, shelter, sleep, no booze. Scheduled another one next week, but 1hr, once a week is hardly "therapy."

I spent the last 2 nights at "home" sobering up and going through my things. Being here feels like returning to a crime scene but it’s familiar, I can shave, do laundry, cut my toenails and feel like a human again, a little.

The house smells like her and her hair is on my pillow case. The yard was totally overgrown and mowing it was a mind-fuck but if a house looks vacant in this neighborhood, it’s going to get broken into. I think the longer I stay here, the longer it would take to get over her.

She took a bunch of clothes and things to her mother’s and said I could "make it more my own" for now if it makes me feel better. -Whatever that means. She’s traveling for work still (alone, I think) but who really knows. She’ll be back tomorrow, and probably stop by here on the way to her mom’s. I’m really considering surprising her here and finally having a conversation. I’m still so upset and have no idea what I want to say.

I wrote down some thoughts, still not sure about anything or how I could even speak the words without just reading them from the poge.

Was this the first time?
Has there ever been someone else?
Who initiated it?
Why?

Did you ever consider telling me?
Did it ever happen here?
He came to our house twice when I wasn’t home.
When you met for drinks? Went on his boat? Borrowed his truck and picked up his furniture! Meeting him at his doctor’s office!!

How could you do it?
You didn’t even think about me when you were in the "jacuzzi"?
Did you ever fuck us both in the same day?
What would you do if I was having an affair?
Would you let me now? Give me a "hall pass" to go fuck someone else?

Do you still really love him?
Would you rather be with him?

You decided sex with him was worth the risk of damaging me emotionally and losing me forever.
You made the choice over and over and over again.
This wasn’t a drunk "make-out session" or a one-night stand.
You were living another life.
You would still be fucking him if I didn’t catch you. You would still be ignoring me on your work trips and lying to my face when you got back.
You were texting him when I was right next to you and in the other room that you were "deprived."
That you love him and miss him, and wish you were in a bath with him and that you wanted to go camping with him.

You don’t respect me.

I trusted you with my life. You put my mental health at risk and my physical well-being.
I spent the week in a dark, spiraling hell, just trying not to drink myself to death.
I called the suicide hotline.
Your life got better, getting to work from home, staying at your mom’s huge, beautiful house with all your family and support system.
I don’t have anyone. I was all alone.
I had to sign an emergency contact, and I gave them a fake number.

You were my life. You were my best friend.
I would’ve done anything for you.
All you had to do was ask.
You destroyed two families and you’re moving on with your life as if nothing happened and you did no wrong. There have been zero consequences for your actions.

Advice?

If I wait around to see her tomorrow, I don’t know if I should ask for her for her phone. I could potentially recover her messages and go down a sick rabbit hole. But my mind wants more answers and feel like any one message could be a revelation or the nail in the coffin or something.

Why should I have the burden of telling his wife?

I’m really wondering if I should ask her if she’ll get in the car with me and drive us to his house immediately so SHE can tell his wife. In front of him, or not, his kids there, or not. I don’t know what would be waiting for us when we got there.

They might not be home. They might be having a dinner party. She might already know. He might do everything he can to stop it. Cops could be called. My girlfriend might not get out of the car.

So many possible scenarios.
But just her reaction to my ask would be telling.
If she doesn’t agree to go to his home to tell his wife, then what? Even if she does and it goes exactly as I’d imagine, then what?

I like the idea of having a conversation with her.

No questions are bad questions. I’d ask her if she ever felt guilty. I mean, she told you to get a dog if you felt lonely. I’d ask her if she was trying to sleep her way to the top. If not, what did she like about this guy?

I’d ask her if the A is really over.

I’d ask her why she said she was delusional. Delusional about what? What did this past week open her eyes to?

She said "I don't have any good answers for how I acted". Well, if that’s the case, how does she ever expect you to feel safe with her again? If she doesn’t know why she did what she did, then how will she avoid doing it again in the future?

I would ask for the phone, personally. This is all personal and people take different approaches, but me, I always would choose to know.

I like the idea of ASKING if she’d go to his house to confess. I don’t like the idea of actually doing it. I’m pretty big on minimizing drama. Things can spin way too out of control. She should call the OBS though, with you present. That would get the job done just as well.

Then what? Then you concentrate on healing. You can take as long as you want to decide what to do.

Why should I have the burden of telling his wife?

BC it is the right thing to do, but honestly, I would try to contact her another way, either by phone or through a registered letter with a brief explanation with your contact info. or social media if she is active. She deserves to know she is living a lie. Don't go to their home. Her husband would end up calling the cops and telling his wife you are a crazed jealous lunatic.

I would bet my house that when she finds out, her husband will drop your wife like a hot potato. His career is established, he has a wife, children, and grandchildren, he is probably almost ready to retire, he is not going to place his future in jeopardy.

I think having a conversation is needed, BUT if the affair is still ongoing, she might not care what you have to say. To be frank, cheaters lie so I wouldn't believe half of what she was saying. W

Please DO NOT use another woman for temporary relief. You need to go through the grieving/healing process before you consider having any relationship.

Your questions about who initiated it won't matter. Even if the POS boss initiated it, your gf had every opportunity to say no.

[This message edited by annb at 3:44 PM, Friday, August 28th]

Glad to see you have started therapy such as it is. It’s great you have a friend you can talk with, but the alcohol is a depressant and won’t help you heal. I’m sorry you see informing the OBS as a burden. For sure it is a difficult, awkward conversation bringing heartbreaking news. But, simply, it is the right thing to do. If the roles were reversed you would want to be informed. She deserves to know the truth of her life so she can regain her agency and make decisions for her life. Take one day at a time. Eat healthy and exercise. Always value yourself. Good luck.

Imagine a knock at your door.
Outside is a man who then starts telling you how he’s been having sex with your girlfriend.
How sorry he is that he went down on her, how sorry he is that they did it in the office, at a hotel, in his car, in her car.
That this has been going on for six months and he’s really sorry and won’t do it again.

If this doesn’t sound good to you then why do you think his wife would appreciate her husbands love-interest sharing her story to her?
I think you are confusing the act of doing the right thing (as in telling OMW) with an act of revenge.

Thanks again.

I like the added questions.

I wouldn't just use a woman to get over her but I still think an adult, consensual one-night-stand would be good for me.

And imagining the knock at my door, definitely puts things into perspective. "Going on down on her" a little too graphic though. But I understand you wanted to get your point across.

I wouldn’t expect his wife to "appreciate it."
I just don’t think it should be MY responsibility to be the bearer of bad news.

I want my "girlfriend" to do it. Or at least I’ll know how far she’s willing to go.

If she refused, I could just send a Facebook message that says, I have proof that your husband is having an affair and I’m willing to meet if you want more details.