SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"I will not be married to a cheater," is what I told my ex-wife the day after d-day. It wasn't a threat, a manipulation tactic or a bluff; it was a simple fact.

The affair isn't over. From what you've written, it seems to me that she has no intention of ending the affair.

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

I know this is incredibly painful, Soon2B. For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. You're still in shock. You're experiencing trauma bonding. You're not thinking clearly, rationally. You're no more or less unhinged than anyone else might be in your situation.

She's unwilling to leave the company that she's started, and objectively, I get it:

This isn’t objective thinking. It's rationalizing. It's denial and bargaining, two very common and natural reactions to the process of grief. There's no shame in it. It's not a character flaw. It's simply how the brain functions.

I don't doubt that you want to preserve your family. That desire is the number one reason why most betrayed spouses choose to offer the GIFT of reconciliation. I cannot, nor will I ever, blame or fault anyone for wanting to do so.

However, there is absolutely no possibility of reconciling with a WS who is still having an affair.

Maybe... just maybe... when your WW sees a petition for divorce awaiting her signature, the light bulb might come on. It does happen sometimes.

Soon2be,

I don't know that there’s a right amount of time. Three months can be a long time when you're living through this, but it’s also not necessarily a long time to make a life-altering decision.

My probably unpopular opinion is that when in doubt, do nothing—with a caveat: give yourself a deadline. You’ve already given yourself three months; maybe decide what you need to see or know by a specific point, then reassess.

And honestly, is NC a firm stop for you? If it is, then maybe you already have your answer. If it isn't, maybe that's something worth being honest with yourself about before making a permanent decision.

Valid questions raised above. Why not go one step further? is fidelity a firm boundary for you? Is loyalty? Piece of mind? Trust? If so I'd suggest you should hold your NC boundary.

My internal, unspoken timeline has come and gone. I’ve been convinced of the need to divorce for well over a month, but before I actually initiate the process, I wanted to make this one last post to see if there’s any precedent here in the annals of infidelity for a happy successful R in a situation like mine.

For DRSOOLERS, we talked a bit early on about how this all came about. She was unhappy for years and was triggered by the death of her closest childhood friend after a five year battle with cancer. WW felt the need to live her life and didn’t feel like I was sufficient support (probs because I was managing everything at home with the kids so she could focus on caregiving). There were definitely many physical encounters, with international travel and some likely, but not confirmed, solely personal travel. I haven’t bothered to ask for a full detailed timeline because it seemed moot in the absence of other basic dignities (NC, open devices, etc).

Interestingly enough my therapist just sent my homework after yesterday’s session. Reading up on fawning behavior. Looks like I’m Bambi

DrSoolers, I respect your opinion and think you bring a unique and interesting perspective to the forum. I do feel that you sometimes overstate my position or spin my question, and I think that’s happening here.

I’m not suggesting he compromise on fidelity, loyalty, or trust. I think we all understand that NC would be preferred. However, he is not the first nor last individual who has been in a situation where NC isn’t possible. Some decide it’s a deal breaker, and others decide it’s something they’re willing to attempt with appropriate boundaries and consequences.

I’m simply saying that’s a decision he has to make for himself. If he’s still in doubt, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to pause rather than make a permanent decision today.

Thanks—I generally appreciate your input, but this hit a bit close to the bone. By asking that question, it felt as though you were implicitly presenting that forgoing NC as a plausible or acceptable outcome. I think the majority of the forum would accept in the majority of cases, it wouldn't be conducive to R.

​I wasn't trying to overstate your position; I was expanding on it. Posing those questions was my way of highlighting the documented risks that arise if he decides NC isn't necessary.

​Asking whether NC is a firm boundary is fair. However, if fidelity, peace of mind, loyalty, and trust are non-negotiable boundaries, maintaining NC is almost certainly required to preserve them.

​It is like asking, "Is it really that important to keep a child away from knives?" The knife itself isn't the main issue—preventing harm is. Banning knives is simply the most reliable way to guarantee that safety. On rereading, strange analogy but it's late here haha.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:34 PM, Thursday, September 10th]

Wayward here. After working as an investment banker, I spent the last 25 years as the CFO for several private equity and venture backed tech companies. I have worked with several top tier investors and can tell you that universally a relationship like this between co-founders or senior execs would be a deal breaker for an investor. Just way too many things that could go tits up and implode the company.

Maybe they do not think they will need outside investors / institutional money, but I think your wife is delusional if she thinks having both of them stay in their current capacity is a sustainable situation regardless of whether she wants to reconcile.

I have been following your posts on JFO and my opinion is there is little chance the affair is over. Best case is this is a temporary pause, but will resume the next time they are together (sounds like the emotional part has already resumed based on the text you recently discovered on the family vacation).

I think there are paths that result in one or the other keeping an economic interest in the business without them continuing to work closely together, but regardless I think NC is a minimum requirement to even consider not proceeding with the divorce. Hopefully just moving forward with it will hopefully be enough of a wake up call to get your wife to take the bare minimum step of NC and start really trying to reconcile.

I agree with NotMyIdentity in this respect: if you’re still in doubt, then you don’t need to make a decision.

However, I would ask what additional time is going to get you. If she’s not going to quit her job, then an essential prerequisite for R will never be satisfied. You run the risk of being in limbo, or becoming inured to her on-going adultery. And I consider it on-going, myself.

Separately, this is such a trigger for me:

WW felt the need to live her life

That line and "I deserve to be happy" are the two wayward lines I hate the most. They’re the quintessence of entitled, selfish cheating. Not even feeling guilty about it.

Sorry but that gets my goat. And now she "doesn’t want to lose you." That sounds selfish to me.

And there "must be a way" for her to keep you and her job. You know what that "way" entails? Soon2B letting her continue her affair while - how did you phrase it in your OP - she does "better" about maintaining a strictly professional relationship. Not actually maintaining a strictly professional relationship, but "better" than having sex with him a lot. Also sounds pretty selfish to me.

ETA: saw this from feelingverylow:

I have worked with several top tier investors and can tell you that universally a relationship like this between co-founders or senior execs would be a deal breaker for an investor

I have worked for the last 20 years at one of those top-tier investment firms in private equity and fully endorse this. Her business has massive key man risk as it is, and this would be a massive issue for investors.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 10:45 PM, Thursday, September 10th]

Cake eaters will eat cake as long as there is cake to eat. Which is another way of putting one of my favorite bits of advice: cheaters will choose both as long as both is an option. They have no desire to actually pick one or the other. Release that idea from your mind.

Which is to say, her affair is ongoing and your aren't even approaching reconciliation.

You will never be at peace with your wife while she is in constant contact with AP. This isn't coworker at a different location/make it work territory. It's co-founders. May as well be her second husband already.

My R only really started after I asked for a divorce, and my wife got a new job. Even then during the first part of it, she barely had work contact with R. Broke NC once for non-work related during that time.

I would say her AP/cofounder/future second husband will hang above your head like the Sword of Damocles.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:24 PM, Thursday, September 10th]