SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hopefulmother, thank you. I think you are right. I don't feel like he has ever probably put me before him. Another woman? Who knows, that's the problem, I don't feel like I WILL know until he says he's leaving again. And we are both vulnerable right now. Neither of us are sure we want to R and there has been horrible betrayal and abandonment.

I agree with the fact that he chose to have this affair and leave and that the woman just happened to turn out to be horrible. He saw the icing on the cake, as he says. But yes, he didn't just have an affair, he left and even after Dday, he didn't want back into our M. He just said "I didn't plan for this to happen". Like, they couldn't help fall in love! And he invested in her thinking something would come of it, not caring about me taking care of our children on my own. He made so many bad choices that I don't even know who he is when I look at him. It's very sad. I feel foolish that I thought I knew him and he is doing all these things. It's like finding out you're living with a murderer or something.

If next time is with someone better suited for him, he'll leave again and may never come back.

Right now, just a day or so NC, I am getting angrier and angrier and thinking that there is no way I could R. Sometimes, I'm not sure I'm in love with him..how can I possibly be after what he's done and who he is? I most definitely have NO respect for him or trust so how can I even love him right now? I think the longing comes more from the rejection and just wanting to be un-rejected as another poster said.

Anyway, thank you for all too that advised me to go NC. I think it's best, even though I am angry and the hurt and loneliness is creeping back in without the attention and communication from him. I know it's necessary because I don't want to be blinded by his manipulation. Just a day and I'm thinking about the financial more than my heart! Good to take a break and a step back!

And he invested in her thinking something would come of it, not caring about me taking care of our children on my own.

This is the part that would stop me from trying to R with him. He didn't come back because he wanted to be with you and the kids. He came back because things didn't work out with her. There is a huge difference between the two.

I refuse to be somebody's safety net or cushion for when their choices don't work out the way they hoped and they had disregarded me as trash along the way. Hurt my kid and all bets are off. That would show me exactly what kind of person they are and that's not the type of person I want in my life.

((Jewlz))

Anger is sometimes really, really good. Anger is selfish, and sometimes it's good to be selfish. Stop thinking about what's fair to him, and start thinking about how you've been fucked over. I think it's great that you're getting angry. This is part of the detachment process, where you're actually going to be able to sit down and figure out whether this relationship is working for YOU -- and your kids. (And honestly, I think the snswer is pretty clear.)

Be strong!

[This message edited by Blobette at 8:42 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

Well said Lieshurt...I agree, he isn't back because he loves you. He is back because he needs to be taken care of.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make any love go away and the loneliness. Then you could kick him to the curb.

I understand being disgusted by the man you are now with. Like-OMG what did I marry? I thought I knew him, but WOW! It sucks. Just makes me wish we had a few surprises of our own to throw in their face. Like-you thought you knew me and could take me for granted. NOT

You can always follow him, or get someone to do drive-byes or hire a PI to see if he is seeing someone new.

If next time is with someone better suited for him, he'll leave again and may never come back.

Yes, if she didn't love whiskey more than him...

He will have to do a lot to regain your trust. He is not making much ground, and methinks it is because he did not come back for the right reasons.

Hey Jewlz,

Been thinking about you and wondering how you are. Hope you're ok.

I haven't posted in quite a few days so wanted to update and maybe get a good butt kick or two. My good friend Anewday has been a tremendous help to me offline (my new BF!) I must say but I can't let him kick my butt all by himself.

So WH and I are still having lots of HB but not enough talking IMO. In the last week or so he seems to have done another 180 in that he is becoming more depressed and upset. He is realizing how much he hurt me and our children at the same time that we are also sort of falling back in love with each other in a way and I think it is hitting him.

He had the kids this weekend and on Sunday, he invited me to spend the day together at the park/zoo. I went and we all had a nice time. Only, I had triggers and was making comments throughout the day, kind of in a joking manner because this was my way of showing my anger but not in an angry way. It was sarcastic though. He kept quiet all day. Later on, I had to do some shopping and called him on my way to another store and we argued about the A. He's still using the "we were separated" line which really pisses me off. I am NOT letting him get away with this. He says nothing physical happened until we were separated. I said yeah but you wanted it to and that's why you left you asshole! and hung up. I texted him that "she had everything to do with why you left. Why else would he leave when we just had a newborn?..." He wrote he's sorry "it's obvious that spanish this spanish that are going to outweigh any possibility of you and I ever being able to work things out." and "hope you find yourself and happines." blah blah I'll always be here for the kids, blah blah, like seriously? He had enough over some comments one day!? I said "You think Spanish comments are what is going to not let us work? How bout the fact that you fucked a whore who knew our family?" I won't type everything said but he was saying how life is too short to not be happy and I'm like are you kidding me, that's what I've been killing myself over for weeks, being miserable but yet trying very hard to keep some faith and he is giving up over some comments?! He came over to drop off the kids later and he was balling. The last time I saw him cry (and just tear actually) was when our first son was born 14 years ago. And he was wet-face sobbing! I gave him a hug and invited him to stay for dinner but he said he was too upset, that he'd just cry the whole time and left. I didn't feel bad really, I actually was relieved that he is finally getting upset. I texted that "I guess I'll just never understand why you were so unhappy" and he said "Me Jewlz, it's me...I don't know happy...maybe I never will."

He called the next morning and just apologized that things got so upsetting and we both realized it was just a setback, not the end. I think he is going to go back and forth at times just like I am. I may say I've had enough one minute and the next I'm hopeful again.

We talked yesterday afternoon. I left work early and met him at his apartment. He said he is excited to go to therapy with me tonight and that he needs to figure out who he is, how he could do something like this. Said he doesn't know how to make peace with himself when he was already unhappy with himself and now is disgusted with himself. The way he describes feeling sounds a lot like I've felt since March. Says the thoughts swirl in his head a thousand times, all day, he doesn't feel like doing anything, sleeps a lot..can fall asleep at any time. I told him it sounds like depression and he says it is. I can say that he hasn't smelled like pot and when I asked him about it weeks ago he said he hadn't smoked in weeks. I don't think he is going to the gym as much or at all. He installed one of those punching thingy's in his apartment and said he will use that at home. His body doesn't look as "juiced" as it was starting to look in the winter during his A. I feel like he is coming out of some major fog!

BUT, I still have no idea if R is possible. Most of the time, I feel so disrespected and how do I put it? Not special? I don't feel like the only one for him and he's the only one for me feeling anymore. Hopeless feeling that will come back but I am really trying to hope it will. We talked about this, how we both sometimes feel like it would be easier to start fresh with other people and how it makes both of us feel insecure with each other. Because he knows I am not happy and knows he didn't treat me the way I should or deserve to be. I also told him though that I think if we could get through this, that we could learn about each other all over, learn about ourselves and it's possible our marriage could be better than before like they say. He brought up my text from weeks ago, he said "it's like you texted, that you don't want to just put a bandaid on it" and he said he agrees with this. He said he doesn't want to do this either. He wants to get to the root of it all and do it the right way.

Oh My

I just read your whole story. SO sorry. That totally sucks. You deserve so much more than that. This is just my opinion (freshly wounded BS who is totally going to D his fat ass) Don't accept him back. I know I don't know you and don't know him or the situation, but from what you have said...He sucks! Some one that has the ability to do what he did, the moral character to do all that crap is not worthy of you. Just my opinion, but put those ass kickin' boots on you had back on the first few pages....

Ugh, therapy was horrible! I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me and I just got knocked back into 2 months ago.

The worst part is that he still denies an affair. He claims that nothing physical happened until we were separated. Seriously? He left me for this woman that he met, was having conversations about our marriage and her marriage to, wanted her, left me with a newborn to be with her...but he didn't have an affair??? I said so you were just friends, nothing else, in March, and in April you were sleeping with her??? It's such bullshit!!! I said "if he can't admit he had an affair, I am done right now". He says how bad our marriage was and doesn't understand how I am so lost and don't understand. ???

I am so angry and hurt right now, I hate him with such passion but feel so much pain. This lump is back and I can't concentrate. The therapist could see the anger and told us to not talk about it because she could see one of us giving up so she set some ground rules and I really tried but I feel so done. I texted him that we're not gonna work, etc., last night and I just got a "good morning how are you?" this morning. I texted him just now..

"All the conversations behind my back that got you two so close..so close that you wanted to be with her and leave me...don't you get that this hurts more than anything else? And you still try to say it was innocent. It was the worst part! The most damaging. I hate her. Friends is just fine since that's what you wnat from me. This way you can have all the girl "friends" you want so bad."

Because he was asking the therapist, "well how are you supposed to have friends then?" when we were trying to explain to him that his "friendship" with her was an affair. She later explained that in her opinion, anything you are getting outside your marriage whether it's emotional, physical, whatever, is an affair.

Jerk!! Idiot!! I am so done! We were both looking forward to counseling...now I don't know why. It was terrible.

And I KNOW he is still telling people that don't know us that we were separated. This is what he told his neighbors too and last night he said, people have asked him why he couldn't wait a year to date and why he dated someone I knew. DUH, because he had an affair! That's what he's not telling you!

I told him in therapy, "you didn't go find someone to DATE, you weren't dating! She was just there!" Ugh, I am sooo disgusted with his thinking, I don't even like him. Who is he?

Jewlz honey, I feel your pain, and anger. He does not get it. He is justifying, rationalizing, history rewriting, and doing anything but owning up to what he did.

IT SUCKS!

I think it's time for you to really reimplement the 180. This isn't remorse, this is I cant stand to be alone, and to make it ok in my head I am changing the rules. It's just like playing a game with a 5 year old. They change the rules to suit them, so that they don't loose.

He can do all of that he wants, and be treating you right 99% of the time, but until he really owns it, you are putting yourself at risk for repeat offenses should the fancy stike him.

Protect your heart.

(((and strength))))

Yes, thanks! I said last night that if he thinks his friendship with her was ok, what is going to stop him from doing this again.

He did admit it was wrong, but doesn't define it as an affair. We got heated up in there and he used that saying, this is how we've always been. Why do I want to go back to that then? Why does he?

He just texted back "Stop Jewlz" "I'm sorry".

Who knows if this is sorry it's not going to work out, sorry for everything, stop texting or stop being irrational? I don't think he really believes I could be the one to end things. I think he thinks I am putty in his hands. Well I am not even responding to him. I'll stop alright. Done.

[This message edited by Jewlz at 11:01 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Oh man Jewlz!!!

I'm glad you went to the MC just to re-hear him be an ass (in front of the MC!!) so you can hopefully now move forward.

I'm so sorry for the pain he's put you in. My heart breaks for you. You are an incredibly strong woman, use that strength now to kick his ass to the curb and leave it there!

Such crap...my fWH used the same line at the beginning. It took him a month to realize that he indeed was having and EA. He wasn't just getting to know a friend better.

You need to print out some definitions of what an EA is and have him read it. They all think it is not an A till something physical happens.

Like---caring about, making a connection with, liking another women is not cheating? Such dumbasses

It took my husband turning it around and switching roles for him to get. (though he had to envision me having sex with another man) Why? I don't know. You would think they would be bothered if we made an emotional connection with someone else like they made with the APs.

The truth is, they will never get it unless they were in our shoes. And we are just too good for that. Some part of them will always think we are over-reacting.

(((JEWELZ)))!!!!!!!

I've thought about you recently and just saw your updates. I'm SO freakin glad the ball is in your court now! I'm so proud to see the stregth you have displayed through this whole ordeal. In the end what ever you decide is right for you and your family, you will be a stronger and more resilient person.

But for what it's worth... he wont want to admit the affair. Admitting it means that he has to see himself and know you see him for the ass he was. It takes time... I still struggle too. Hoping it gets easier as time elasps. But your doing it the right way. Good luck!

A few posts ago you quoted about significant HB with your husband.

So WH and I are still having lots of HB

Doesn't this tend to send the wrong message? The highest form of intimacy while you are declaring you are done with your marriage? Cut him off, until he admits to the affair and starts showing genuine remorse. Then maybe you can start rebuilding.

This quote seems to fit your situation. Hope it helps.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

― Mark Twain

Jewlz

Sending hugs. Stand your ground. Define your boundaries.

If what he had wasn't an affair then I don't know what in the hell qualifies for one.

He is CONTINUING to manipulate you and the situation.

He is still not OWNING his behavior and he is ALLOWED to flop back and forth at his leisure.

He is JUSTIFYING his behavior which will, in his mind, allow him to CHEAT again.

As you have said and many here have said. He needs to GROW UP. But you can't do that for him. He has to.

Keep moving. Get out of Limboland. You have the power to make that change.

Hugs

[This message edited by 1Faith at 6:57 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Doesn't this tend to send the wrong message? The highest form of intimacy while you are declaring you are done with your marriage? Cut him off, until he admits to the affair and starts showing genuine remorse. Then maybe you can start rebuilding.

I agree but I guess that's why they call it hysterical. It doesn't make sense really. Hating him one minute and wanting to be intimate with him the next.

The past two days now, I have been feeling really angry, hurt, and I guess even angry with myself for even being so close to him and forgiving enough to be with him.

Last time we talked was Sunday and he continues to state that they were just friends until "we were separated". I brought up the fact that if they were just friends, it was awfully fast that she went from just a friend, nothing else to only weeks later when I caught them together, that they were sleeping together and he was calling her "hun". Not to mention decided to leave his wife and kids. His reply to calling her hun and babe was that he was just replacing me.

He continued to say again how "it was a mistake" and I said "it was your choice". And he got defensive and argumentative. I said "ok, your choice was a mistake".

He was supposed to come back over later that day, but never called or came. The next morning he called and said he was feeling too down after our conversation and that he is still not over what he has done to our family.

Monday night he tells me he probably won't be able to come until late on his day with the kids because he has to work like 60 hours this week. He was complaining about money. Actually, he has just been making his first CS payments and has been complaining since.

I am unfortunately in Limboland and hating it. The past couple days, I feel so done but when I think about the finality of it, I am so sad. What I really want to say to him is...

I did not choose this or want things to be the way they are. I love you but I cannot forgive you and I don't trust you. I cannot stop thinking of the lies, the nights you spent out while living at home, not caring about my feelings, and even after I found out about her, the days I spent missing you when you wouldn't even return my texts or call or want to go to counseling. You were so sure of your choices. Even now, you say it wasn't her, it was us...so what has changed? If you were so unhappy, why do you want to come back? The fact that she turned out to be an alcoholic, piece of shit, immature user and "free for all" with cockroaches in her home, has nothing to do with me! The fact that it didn't "work out" with you and her, has nothing to do with you wanted to leave our marriage, leave me with our newborn and 3 children. Letting them not only hear about what was happening right after you LEFT our home, but purposely allowing them to witness you and her, allowing them to see you kiss her, after they watched me suffer...these wounds are all too deep. I would rather heal on my own and live alone than be with you. You are selfish and cruel and I can't even believe I contemplated giving you a CHANCE! Please move on as you told me to do when I asked you if you were having an affair and you told me no back in April when you certainly were. Oh, that's right, we were separated. Well, guess what? Now we are separated.

(((Jewlz)))

Look until he sees he was cheating keep a distance.

I have a girlfriend that is like this. I love her but...

I even call her on her shit! I mean really dating a married man and it isn't cheating.. ReallY????

You need someone to love you hold you. Someone you can trust. You thought he was this man he isn't.. Until he if ever can say Look I cheated while we were married. Separated doesn't mean squat! So is it ok for you to go and talk about your marriage to a man and cry on his shoulders and ooopssie you aren't cheating.. And Ooopsie you kinda kiss and Ooopsie you get it! He doesn't it!!

He needs to grow up!! He makes me sooo mad for you!!

I hope he chokes on that CS!! Can you get spousal support?? Man I hope you can!!! I hope his CS doubles and quadruples!!! I can't get over how he cheated on you while you was in the hospital!!! Having HIS child! WOW! Ok off my soap box!

Be careful with this one Jewlz.. Very careful.