SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Buster,

I did some searching on the internet too, and one interesting suggestion for preventing affairs I found said that discussing an attraction to someone outside the marriage is a good way to prevent yourself taking any action on it. I remember that you posted that you and your wife used to tell each other when someone hit on one of you, and you would both laugh about it. That defused the whole thing. What was different with the affair, possibly because of the lengthy slow-burn of the OM's approach, is that your wife did not tell you about being hit on, or about her feeling an attraction to him. Maybe you need to write the 'tell immediately' rule into the guidelines/rules you are developing about contact with other people. It worked for you before, and I think it would work again.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:45 PM, June 14th (Wednesday)]

Had a chat about that 'tell immediately' last night as we were talking anyway. She is dealing with the fallout of the affair as more and more things have been sinking in. She is pretty freaked out. To me it looks like a good thing happening and this is probably as much tough love as I can muster up.

I think this may have been the only time that my wife has been hit on by a friend, and everything started very subtly. She did say that it's very difficult to notice when it's happening even if in hindsight it would appear obvious.

Lots of good, but also some negative. The other day I had thoughts of driving down to POSOM's house and beat the crap out of him. I know I can't and won't do that as that would get me in much more trouble and he is not worth it. And I don't want to do anything that would make him a victim of any sort. I had some anger related issues when I was young and did like to get into fights and I'm not very happy that these are trying to make a comeback. I thought I had any fighting urges locked-up somewhere far and thrown away the key. I know some will recommend getting into combat sports, but this is different from having a nice chess match in the rink.

Hi Buster,

Re. the rage and the desire to go and give the OM a walloping. I think every BS has been there. Perfectly natural, and in a way, as unwelcome as you find the return of such urges, it would actually be a bit odd if you didn't feel like that. I know I did! But we rein ourselves in, because we aren't Tony Soprano, and in the real world that kind of things just makes everything worse. I think you are doing well to recognise and control those feelings so quickly as they arise.

Re. the talking, it sounds like your wife is starting to see the affair objectively, and maybe even more from your point of you (which means its impact on the betrayed person) than perhaps she could before. That will help a lot, and you say the same thing yourself.

I found some interesting statistics on the benefits of talking about affairs, and as I posted them in another thread, I think are relevant here too. The text from the webpages is shown in bold lettering.

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Here are some good links about the importance of talking, and the need to know:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/com023.html

The above link contains ‘Joseph’s letter’, a letter that is often quoted, in full, in this forum, as it expresses the reasons a betrayed spouse needs to talk, and needs to know.

The link below discusses the importance of talking:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/com038.html

And this link contains some very enlightening statistics from a survey about the impact that talking – and not talking – has on the prospects for lasting reconciliation:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/results.html

Of particular relevance are:

1. Hypothesis: A couple is more likely to stay married when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation.

Here is some more from the same page:

2. Hypothesis: A couple is more likely to stay married when the spouse answers their questions.

These survey results are consistent with what I have been told repeatedly through the years: "nothing is worse than not knowing."

From the same link - http://www.dearpeggy.com/results.html

- comes this:

I hope the results of this survey—demonstrating the connection between honest communication and both staying married and recovering—will help the professional community (and all those struggling to deal with this issue) better understand the importance of answering questions and thoroughly discussing the entire situation.

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I hope this is useful, and well done, Buster. You have handled all this so well. I wish I could have done it half as well as you are.

Oh, and for my money, I think you need to tell your wife about your feelings re. paying the OM a visit. Do not sugarcoat anything, or hold back.

Let her see the intensity of your feelings. She needs to see, understand, and 'own' the feelings and emotions that you are going through because of the affair. Not as a punishment, not in any vindictive way, but (1) so she can make some effort to help you through them, and (2) to help show her how destructive affairs are, what they do to the innocent victim, and as a result (hopefully) why they should be avoided at all costs in future. It may be tough love indeed, but it has an aim that will hopefully benefit both of you.