SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with the 180 totally. It's hard enough to try to think things through without being love bombed to death.

The plain simple fact is she cheated. You need the time to decide if you EVEN want to stay with her. This may end up being something that you can't get over. This is just the way it goes. Some can...some can't R.

Maybe you can take a trip somewhere for a week (or two) and do what you want. Do you have a buddy or sibling that might be willing to join you? I'm kind of thinking of Walloped's story and his trip to AZ (I think). It seemed to do him a ton of good.

I was thinking about that. I did actually book flights the week after D-day, but cancelled and have hefty credit sitting on my account. I was planning on visiting "home" to see my buddies and get black out drunk with them. Getting away from work is just little tricky as we're hitting summer vacation season.

Yes... the career choices. When you have a job that takes all of your time... it doesn't leave much of yourself for family. Do you work to live or do you live to work was a question of mine early in my marriage. You need to decide what is more important in your life. Your marriage? The need for things? I can tell you without hesitation... there is ALWAYS going to be more things. Just take a look at the constant barrage of advertisements on the TV, all meant to releave you of any extra cash that you may have. Sometimes you have to decide which has the greater value.

Going away really helped me, I went to spent a week with my brother in a different city a few weeks after Dday, it really helped my perspective on things! Make sure you get the right kind of advice if you talk about it with others! Not biased people, like Marragesucks said it's hard when you are been loved bombed, honestly get away for a bit and clear your head!

Going away really helped me, I went to spent a week with my brother in a different city a few weeks after Dday, it really helped my perspective on things! Make sure you get the right kind of advice if you talk about it with others! Not biased people, like Marragesucks said it's hard when you are been loved bombed, honestly get away for a bit and clear your head!

Hi Buster,

I think my primary "goal" with 180 would be to get some space for myself without her affecting my thinking. I am trying to consider all options and coming home to hugs, kisses and I love yous, and cuddling yourself to sleep tends to steer me one way.

I can understand why you want time to let your thoughts settle 'naturally', without any influences one way or the other, so you can figure out how you, yourself, feel about things. It must feel like you are getting influences from all over the place, whether it's your wife, or us.

In a way, the love-bombing is kind of nice to see, because at least she's making an effort to make things up to you and make you feel special. However, I do know that it can also feel like too much, when all you ever wanted was a happy medium that was neither going overboard with the affection nor straying elsewhere.

Last night I was also questioning my career choices as I work long days at best and really long days plus weekends at worst with travel on top. This has been the case for the entire time we have been married. She has never brought this up as an issue, and me working on my career has allowed us a mortgage free house, modest but mortgage free, very nice family vacations and all the financial benefits. If we go down R path, I might want to review my career plan to free up some time to spend with my family. It's been "weird" in a good way to walk the kids to before school program at 7:30 AM and be home before 6 PM.

A change of pace would be a nice thing to add to the mix at this point, for you, your wife, and the kids. A lot of your conversations with your wife are bound to have a focus on the affair, so it would really be good - dare I say even 'nice'? - to be able to discuss whether your hours have been hard on all concerned, and if a reduction of them would be a good thing for the future. It's a positive thing to be discussing, and it's not related to the main issue, so it would be refreshing for both of you. I do know a few people who work every hour that God sends, and while they have money and nice houses, they rarely have any time to enjoy the fruits of their hard work. Stuff is all well and good, but the older I get, the more I have come to realise that the real treasure we have in life is the people we love and are close to. For you, that's your kids, and your wife. Spending more time with them would be no bad thing, would it? And less time working will be good for you, whatever long-term decisions you make.

I did actually book flights the week after D-day, but cancelled and have hefty credit sitting on my account. I was planning on visiting "home" to see my buddies and get black out drunk with them.

That sounds like a plan, I like your style! Even if you may not be able to take the trip now, you should definitely pencil it in for some point soon. It's good to have things like that to look forward to.

Take care, Buster. It can be a bumpy road, but I think you're doing better than you realise.

[This message edited by M1965 at 8:01 PM, June 9th (Friday)]

M1965 Good stuff as always and I repeat, very much appreciated.

I need to start planning next spring vacay as well. Somewhere warm for spring break would be the theme. Hopefully we'll go as a family.

For 30 years my wife and I have been lucky enough to have had a good paying jobs and reasonable 8-6 hours that have allowed us to spend most evenings together even if we do an hour or 2 of volunteer work at times.

If you are never there it makes connecting to each other really difficult. I'm glad you are considering a change.

I need to start planning next spring vacay as well. Somewhere warm for spring break would be the theme. Hopefully we'll go as a family.

Probably wouldn't take a WW to some place that is likely to have a high ratio of college dudes looking for ONSs. Like most spring break destinations. Think about that before setting anything in stone.

[This message edited by Interomni at 4:42 PM, June 9th (Friday)]

Buster,

I need to start planning next spring vacay as well. Somewhere warm for spring break would be the theme. Hopefully we'll go as a family.

That's a good thought. Something nice to look forward to, and you create a whole bunch of new experiences and memories together that help to bury the past and leave it where it belongs; in the trash, with yesterday's newspapers. Having nice, fun experiences with your wife and the kids is not rug-sweeping, delusion, or fantasy. It is re-affirming the reasons that you got together in the first place. And being together, going through new experiences, will really bring you together.

Plan it, and do it, Buster. What can it hurt?

Now I have only her word that she never talked down on me or on our marriage.

I've never asked for those details. I don't want or need to know or even care. The fact that my W had an affair with him speaks volumes beyond words.

Today is a day that I'm considering separation and 180. I know she thinks that she is trying, but I don't know if she is trying hard enough for me.

Buster, sit on that fence as long as you need to. Detaching is an excellent plan. I probably read the 180 once or twice a week for... months, I think. Each time I read it, I understood it a little more. Members will also start threads about it, most often in the G forum (or so it seems to me). They're generally very interesting discussions. For the most part, however, I think you have a fairly solid grasp of it's purpose. The 180 is designed to give you the strength to detach, possibly separate or divorce, to stand on your own two feet.

What has she done thus far? Has she read anything? Has she read here? Any books? Research on line? Has she sought out individual counselling? Has she opened up to friends or family?

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair," by Linda MacDonald was a game-changer for my FWW. I ordered the book, she opened the package the moment I brought it in from the mailbox, and read it immediately. She kept it with her night and day, read it several times. It's a very short book, straight to the point, and damned near impossible to misinterpret.

"Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass is a must read for your wife. I suggest you read it as well.

"After the Affair," by Dr. Janis Spring is another outstanding book.

These are the SI 101 reading list books. If you're so inclined, order them all, give them to your WW and then step-back and see what she does.

Right now I don't want to ask my wife for anything. She gets to come up with her own action plan herself. If I keep asking, and she keeps complying to my requests, I think it's still me driving this whole thing.

The onus to reconcile is most certainly on the WS. She needs to be doing the bulk of the heavy-lifting. Like you, I tried to do the bulk of the work early on. I ordered the books, I found SI, I did the research, etc. After six months, however, I finally told my wife to either make an appointment with an IC or a divorce lawyer; the choice was hers.

Implement the 180 if it helps you to detach and prepare yourself mentally, emotionally and financially for the possibility of divorce. Talk to a lawyer, educate yourself about your legal status and options. "Always be prepared," you know?

I know your kids a huge factor. My son was barely four years old when my wife cheated. I couldn't imagine missing out on half of his youth. Too painful. But, if my wife couldn't become a safe partner and a good wife, I also knew that sacrificing myself for his sake would be a great disserve to him, and to me. My parents stayed married for years after they're marriage was already dead and buried. They were miserable and made everyone around them miserable as well.

Not sure if I should even tell her that I love her in texts or face to face.

I'm well over two years past D-day and I still don't tell my wife I love her that often. Words are cheap.

And I'm definitely in anger stage, or the pain has transformed to anger. I am emotionally all over the place.

It's a rollercoaster, man. A vicious, sick, twisted, fucking nightmare of a rollercoaster from hell. It does get easier. But it takes a while.

Buster, you're still in the very, very early stages of surviving infidelity. You've got a shit ton of pain, doubts and fears to resolve before this shit gets any easier. It could easily take months before you start to see any real progress with your WW. Maybe she'll embrace the opportunity she's been given. Maybe she won't. You've got to prepare yourself for either outcome, because you cannot control her, you cannot control this situation, but you can control your own future.

Did you tell the OBS everything you know? Did you lay it all on the line for her, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (so far as you know)? I get that you're worried about sharing information on a public forum that could be traced back to you. I'm sure it's possible, although I'd guesstimate that it's also unlikely. Nevertheless, I cannot stress the importance of ensuring she knows everything she needs and deserves to know about her life and the man to whom she's married.

Stay strong, brother. This shit storm rocked me to the very core of my being, but I got up, dusted myself off, and let my FWW know, in no uncertain terms, what I required of her before I agreed to remain in this marriage. It was about 18 months before I finally climbed down off that fence.

Take care of yourself, man. Eat right. Drink lots of water. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Get outside. Get some exercise. Focus on you. Sleep, rest, relax when you can. Putting yourself back together is your first priority.

Sending your strength, brother.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:22 PM, June 9th (Friday)]

Probably wouldn't take a WW to some place that is likely to have a high ratio of college dudes looking for ONSs. Like most spring break destinations. Think about that before setting anything in stone.

While my wife thinks she is a huge cougar, college kids would be the least of my worries. Might provide really good entertainment though.

Any recommendations on vacation location? End of March and with beginner friendly(ish) surf break? Hawaii might too much $$$ as we have another expensive trip we have to do in 2018.

We have the "how to help..." and "not just friends" books. Not just friends has lots of stuff that's almost carbon copy of what happened here. My wife has read "How to help" and some Not Just Friends.

Not a good day today, at all...She's love bombing the crap out of me and I'm just dying inside with bad mind movies. Kids have a big weekend, so need to behave...

Infidelity kills lives...

How about a lodge at a souther state park at that time of year.

Please stay away from the beach where there is a lot of alcohol and scantily clad people.

Explore a city together maybe?

I see the physical side of things are starting to creep in? They come in waves, different things will hurt at different times, you are doing well and the love bombing is better than nothing! I'm 6 months out and it's a little easier but I often think if kids weren't involved I'd have walked and took the easy way out! Keep going you can walk at anytime if you can't take it anymore but make sure it's the right choice for you, no shame in staying and giving one last chance but make sure it's only one chance, it hurts like hell. Keep it up tho you seen a level headed guy you will come out of this stronger I'm sure.

Hi Buster,

Not a good day today, at all...She's love bombing the crap out of me and I'm just dying inside with bad mind movies. Kids have a big weekend, so need to behave...

I hope you are bearing up alright. The mood swings and the things infidelity does to the human mind can be horrible.

The love-bombing is your wife trying to do 'good', but when you're in the wrong mood for it, it can really make you want to snap back. I reacted really badly one time, and hated myself for it, so in a calmer moment I wrote a note to myself and made a practice of going somewhere (usually the bathroom) to read the note when I was feeling vulnerable to rage. I know that probably sounds really dumb, but it helped me to have a little routine to apply when I felt like I might rage and say something I would regret afterwards.

It was a while ago now, but the note said something along the lines of, "Number one: you are angry. Do not let the anger talk. It will pass. Talk then. Number Two: she doesn't know how you feel, she is not doing it on purpose. She may think she is doing a good thing. Number three: explain it to her when you are calm again."

Maybe that makes me look like a complete dick, but at the time I had no-one on hand to talk to when I was hit by the mood swings, so I ended up talking to myself. Well, 'calm me' tried to counsel 'angry me', 'vulnerable me', 'miserable me', 'lost me'. This was before the internet and forums like this.

I know it's difficult with the kids around, but maybe you can grab a moment to explain to your wife that you have 'good' days and 'bad' days, and on the 'bad' days, the love-bombing actually hurts. Do tell her you appreciate that she is trying to do something good, because you don't want to discourage her from making an effort.

We're thinking of you, Buster. Take care, and be good to yourself.

Weekend turned out to be not bad at all, actually had really good time.

Got to some serious talking last night as I had to revisit some topics and questions. It didn't quite go as well as I hoped for, but I had to get some stuff off my chest. Turned into a bit of a deep dive into fears and me stressing that she must be honest with me and herself...little better though than last time we "talked" about these.

What is starting to bug me little more is that I would love to have some friends to talk to about this whole mess. The problem is that all we have are our friends. Sure I can call my friends who are more my friends than our friends, but it's not the same.

Buster, I didn't read the entire thread, but I feel your pain. I know it never seems like the ww is doing "enough". I am 7 months out and everything my ww does is because I suggested it. I finally had enough yesterday, packed a bag and left for the week. Was going to stay at a hotel. Spoke to my lawyer and he told me to get my ass back home asap. I checked out and came back home today. My ww is at work and the kids come home tonight from grandmas. I have such anxiety just anticipating my ww coming home. I am still on the fence about what I am going to do. I'm tired of being the only one working at this except for the 10 or so "I love yous " I get daily from my ww.

My point is, it is ok to sit and think about what you want to do. It's been said so many times on SI, you can only control your healing. That is what you and I must do. To count on our ww's to do anything more, is just setting ourselves up for disappointment. I don't know how to to the PM thing here, but feel free to ever reach out if you need someone to talk to and understand what you are going through.

Thanks, appreciate it.

I did stop asking and suggesting a while back as I'm certain she can "follow instructions". The actions I need will need to come from her heart, need to be spontaneous and honest. Sounds like you would want the same from your wife? Or who wouldn't?

I know me and my wife deal with things differently and we both deal with this infidelity thing differently and have talked about this. She likes her routines and likes to use the routines as her therapy. I on the other hand would like to discuss the issue at hand and "sort it out". The quiet is very challenging for me even while I am motivated to work on this together.

I did talk to my wife about me taking a vacation to go camping for a long weekend or something. She doesn't want me to go alone though as she knows the dark dark thoughts that can creep in when I'm alone. And while I would like some alone time, I don't really want to go alone for those exact same reasons. I shouldn't go if I feel shitty and when I feel good, all I want is to be with her.

Buster,

I'm glad the weekend went well, after your misgivings early on.

I think you did the right thing having that talk with your wife about your fears and deeper feelings. At the risk of being branded a sexist, I think that we men are much better at asking for timelines, and other practical things, but not so good at opening up about the feelings that prompt our need for those practical things. It was really good that you opened up to your wife that way. You say that it didn't go as well as you had hoped, but do not be discouraged. Every one of these talks is another step in the right direction, and they give your wife more insight about what you need, and the impact of her actions. Hopefully the former will give her more ideas about how to help you, and the latter may have a deterrent effect.

Re. the friends thing, that's tough. Have you tried Googling "infidelity support group..." and your location? There seem to be a lot of groups out there, for betrayed spouses, and it would be a way of talking face-to-face with a bunch of people who know what you are going through. Plus, obviously, you can make new friends at meetings who will be yours, rather than yours and your wife's. Just a thought. There seem to be groups all over the place. If you can find one near you, you can go along and see if it's any good to you. There's nothing to lose, is there? If you don't like the meeting, or the group, you just don't go back, but if it's good, you've found a new source of support.

Sending best wishes to you as always.