SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

dark humor aside, what makes you want to reach out to her ????

And why don't you have any access to marital assets ?

what makes me want to reach out to her...?

Well, I met her when I was 18 years old, she was 17. We both worked in a restaurant, she was a waitress and I was a dishwasher. We always had this sort of chemistry and she had a giant crush on me. I was tired of washing dishes so I threatened to quit if they didn't move me up to the front of the house. I figured I was good looking, witty, and I could make more money with tips. And I *really* fucking hated washing dishes.

We couldn't get together initially because I was smitten by another girl who was the punk-rocker type. She had tattoos, could make me laugh, was wild. My CS was more the shy-innocent type with the pretty eyes and deceptively awesome body. The punk chick relationship was going on for about a year and ended with my 2nd teenage heartbreak and somewhere between wallowing and recovery my CS and I hit it off.

I guess when I explain it in the short form, it doesn't sound very magical but we had this amazing chemistry. Not to mention there was months of build-up whether it was exchanging flirtatious glances or brushing up against each other on accident as we reached for a main dish or appetizer to run out to the customers. We would talk throughout the day about life, or nothing, and into the night as we closed up.

I'm pretty sure I was her first real boyfriend, her first kiss. We didn't stay together very long if my memory serves me correctly. She was a virgin and at that point in time I was a hardcore party animal living with 5 roommates (two couples) in what was most certainly a very unhealthy revolving door of drinking, drugs, and a damn good time.

She was very clingy, I thought, and I just wanted to hang out with friends and go out. Something also didn't sit right with me that she was a virgin, I felt too guilty to take her innocence away. Sounds retarded now, but honestly I don't think I was patient enough to wait for her after I'd been in all these relationships that were very sexual.

I broke up, crushed her heart, and we moved on. I did it in a bad way, I strung her along for a time and stopped talking to her and inviting her over as much. I don't actually remember how I did it, it was probably over the phone knowing me -- classic dick move.

Fast forward a couple of years when she is 20-21 and we cross paths again, only this time she's a woman. I remember our first time together very vividly, because this window when we got back together yet again was honestly the best moments of my life. She lived in a beach-side apartment with a wealthy roomate and we could walk out on the balcony and see the ocean. Everything during that phase was romantic, sensual, whimsical, and care-free.

When I think back on it, we always tried to get back to this era in our lives. We always talked about getting back to living beach side, but we never quite could. Our souls yearned for the water. In fact, when we moved to this New City it was very important we were close to the beach...but we never even went together, not once. We bought bicycles to go out, we rode them once. The apartment is a 5-10 minute bike ride from the beach.

This is getting long and there's so much more to tell.

To summarize we had 5 years of an on-again-off-again relationship. Long timelines where we were apart and grew, then I went into the military and reached out to her. She still resented me for not being able to commit during our beach-era but I made a 10-hour drive and went way out of bounds from my military base to tell her it was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life and that I still loved her. Amazingly she took me back. We got back together in 2010-11 --I was mature enough by that point to know what I wanted-- she stuck it out with me long-distance until I got out of the military in 2013 and we dated and made great fun of the $50k I'd saved up, got married in '15, bought a house, moved to New City in Aug of '17 and here I am as the fucking mess you see me now.

What makes me want to reach out to her? I'll always love her. She was my first "real" love and we have a very storied history that runs deep. I made her my everything, but I also let it fizzle and we sedated each other. We dreamt of making it back to beach side living but we could never quite get there.

Do you know what I thought last night? I honestly think that this is some sort of... destiny. I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm at my best when I'm at my worst. I'm most creative when I'm alone and loathing and I've always wanted to make my mark in the world by writing a novel but I never pursued it. She always wanted the nice house, fancy things, to travel and explore and be spontaneous... but that's not something I could wholesomely give her financially. I think it might play out like this; I was guiding her towards this OM who comes from a rich family and she's going to get pregnant and have the life she always wanted--it just won't be with me. In the process, she is the muse that will inspire what will likely be my most self-gratifying and life-fulfilling ambition in completing a novel. It's poetic in a way, or at least I'd like to think so.

Sorry for the wall of text, I'm feeling reflective today.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 9:30 AM, November 5th (Sunday)]

That all may be true Ithasfeels, and you may be living a gigantic romantic love story of a movie. Some couples are destined to do that.

But the fact remains, the only way for her to realize what she is giving up; to know what she is truly losing, is for you to start living well and show her you are moving on.

The part of you that she doesn’t like is the unmotivated, self pitying side. She may feel sorry for that person, but not in love with or lust after that person.

Start your new life at the same time that you are feeling bad about things. Give yourself moments in the day to grieve but set goals for yourself at the same time. I think you have already started this but the person that almost OD’d is keeping back the person in you who knows the next steps to take on your road to happiness.

You don’t know what will happen between her and him. And you don’t know what will happen with you. She’s been the true love of your life UP TO NOW. But the woman you remember as the REAL LOVE OF YOUR LIFE may be waiting around the next corner. None of us have that crystal ball to know what will happen the next moment. Be excited about that in between your low moments.

MisSteps aside, you’re doing well. Keep posting and living. Not necessarily in that order.

Take care.

Yeah you're so right...

My gay neighbor invited me out for drinks tonight with his friends and 2 straight girls. I don't feel like being social at all but I'm going to force myself to go out. It's been forever since i interacted with real people for an extended amount of time though no lie...

My Friend I feel for you. I really hope you can get over this extreme and selfish betrayal as soon as possible. Worse things happen to people. You still have your best asset - your health. Do not lose it by reminiscing over this. The only way you can respond to this unexpected situation is to live your life to the best you can and progress. As others said do not be alone. You can share your aprtment with a renter or someone.Also you are entile to some kind of financial arrangement with her. Do it without antogonising her. It should not be like you have to contact her when you need money. I think even if you do not have the best relation with your family you should let then know

Regarding your analysis of her motives , I do not think she is a person with good rationale considering how fast she changed

[This message edited by goalong at 3:02 PM, November 5th (Sunday)]

Thank you for the kind words. I'm not currently in a situation where I have to ask her for money. She just pays all the bills electronically and I handle the phone bills & internet currently. If my search for employment doesn't come to fruition soon, that may change but for the remainder of this month I feel like I will be OK.

It's only been 3 days since NC, not counting today since it isn't over. Whew, time sure does tend to stagnate during moments like these doesn't it?

Last night I went out with a neighbor and a few single girls. Nothing happened, but I did form some connections. It was good to get out, if not awkward and anxiety riddled at first. I'd been trapped up in my apartment for about 2 months without going out... that's not good for anyone.

It’s good that you went out. The best way to get through this is to build a life without her. Either it will show her you are moving on and get her thinking or it will show you that there is life without her and you will be ok on your own and off to your next great adventure in life.

Do the friends that asked you out know what’s going on? It would be great to have someone IRL that supports you during this time.

Yeah, the person that invited me out me knows my entire situation. He's a cool guy, just your typical friendly gay neighbor.

Damn I fkd up.. I was trying to look at our text picture history to find the password for the wifi so I could put my phone on it since the LTE network sucks balls and I hearted the last thing she said

fkn facepalm

It just turned into a normal conversation talking about her recent trip out of state, then I told her I would let her get back to it and it was nice talking to her. She said she was glad I messaged her. Nothing bitter between either of us, nothing weird, no talk about the marriage or cheating or anything like that.. just talking like.. we were friends?

Fuck I still wish it didn't happen. All that and I didn't even find the gd wifi password

I'm going out tonight again with my friend and some girls.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 7:27 PM, November 6th (Monday)]

dude, there is a book called 'codependency no more' Read it.

You are it IMO

You are doing everything wrong and it's sad to watch you demise.

I can't even think about how to advise you until you are willing to fix yourself and stand up to yourself and not tolerate abuse.

I hope the others can lead you through this but I can't relate and I am out. I wish you the best

I guess I can see what you mean, I don't deny it. Idk if I can even help it. But it was 100% an accident. I'm not feeling thhat "AHH I NEED YOU IM WALLOWING" syndrome like I was before.. it's been almost a month now tbh, I'm kind of moving forward just very slowly. Maybe a normal guy would say fuck this I'm out when something like this happened but idk I'm kind of more willing to leave the option for forgiveness open while also attempting to move forward with my life. The last couple of days I've been getting out more etc and my mindset has honestly been like, ok this woman has been in my life so long even if this did end in divorce we would probably still remain friends if a lot of time passed. At the same time, only over the past 2 days I've got back to eating & cooking 3 meals a day, sleeping better, going out to exercise.. things like that. I've also done some stuff like downloaded all those meet-up apps and have been talking with a few other women online, although I've always hated doing something like this in the past it's proved to be a healthy distraction. I think I made it pretty clear from the very beginning I was never going to just give up. In any case, ty for your advice even if it fell on deaf ears. I appreciate your time. when I write here I just tell the whole truth even when I act like an idiot

You are not an idiot. You are the one who face the emotional deluge. You will have up and downs. Wish you stregth in navigating this difficult period and hope you will be less and less impacted by any contacts with her. another way to recover is finding a job (any kind at this time) which will keep your mind occupied and give you an opportunity to interact with people.

HOWEVER Do not let her feel that you are available any time she wants. The is a big filip her to enjoy her present life. Give her the feeling you are slowly moving on.

[This message edited by goalong at 5:05 AM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

Next time you make a mistake like that:

You: {like her comment by accident}

Her: hi what’s up

You: Sorry was looking for Wi-Fi passcode. Hit like by mistake

Her: so how’s it going?

You: {crickets}

She’s probably in bed with the OM depending on the time of day. Remember that.

You’re doing well going out and meeting new people. I agree. Do your best to get a job and work on the D.

Staying in touch except for D business will just prolong your agony.

Youre doing better. Stay on that path.

***INAPPROPRIATE***

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:04 AM, November 8th (Wednesday)]

Wow, Chappie. At first your post made me feel like shit, but then I thought about it a bit more. Fuck you dude. You've followed along with my story and then you have the audacity to say I have no balls by accepting the humiliation that my wife has cheated on me. That sounds mighty confrontational, I'd probably kick your ass if you said that to my face. But truth be told, I know it's just a tough-love tactic telling me to wake the fuck up.

The thing is, yes I've read other people's stories, but those people aren't me. I don't care if a simulation ran over 40,000 scenarios with one predicted outcome, there is always a chance for an outcome to turn out differently than the norm. I'm feeling a lot better. One, due to all the bad shit finally getting out of my system and two, because I've been eating healthier and getting out more and meeting new friends down here. Hell, I even got a job today. I'm going to be doing social media marketing for a new high-class salon. It's in a shopping center right next to a Yoga place, ballet class, a health food store, and a gym. Something tells me my opportunities to explore my own self will crop up just fine. I also went into the salon which is currently a construction zone and helped them do hard-labor for 4 hours and they paid me $100 cash.

By definition I may be being "cuckholded" but I'm not a guy that needs to swing his dick out two inches further to prove anything to anyone. As I'm writing my story I'm starting to realize, we've had our ups and downs and broken up and been in long term relationships with other people and of course we had sex with them. Do I think about joe-schmo fucking her before she was my girlfriend 7-years ago? No. Do I think about this other guy fucking her in the present? No, not in quite awhile unless I go back to this forum to be honest. And even when I do I'm able to push those thoughts away and accept things as the way they are because I realize now no amount of bitching or begging like I did before when I was heartbroken even matters. It won't and didn't change anything and my current circumstances are what they are.

You know what I do think about? How can I be a better person from all of this and move forward? My answer is not divorce, at least not at the moment. We have great health insurance and dental insurance through her company. I'm going to use that shit. I'm going to stay in this apartment since both our names are on the lease and she can keep paying the rent while I save up because if she chooses to break it, her credit is wrecked. What she's doing is wrong and fucked up, I get that. But my answer isn't to "play it cool," and slap her with D and hope R might work that way. That may piss a few people off, but seriously fuck it. I see it in the same light as people who get pissed off if you don't believe in their religion. I first came here for support because I was completely and utterly crushed. Now I continue to stay just to update how things are turning out and look for support in my moments of weakness. I'm a human being. Some users have already given up on me, but I read those messages that tell me to look at the positive and they make me feel fucking great.

Knowing all this, if I sound like I'm a hopeless case to you, by all means help someone else that will follow the steps of success to a T. But I don't really want anyone offering me anything if all they want to do is "shock me into reality." That shit doesn't work for me. I was always a, "do it my own way in my own style" type of guy and that will never change. If my way does work out and we get back together down the road - cool. I might not even be available at that time. If not, I still am following the advice of focusing on myself and working towards making my life better; for me. I guess it's a win-win, given my situation.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 6:41 PM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

sorry Ithasitfells, I agree with Chappie and maybe you should listen to him rather than telling him to fuck off.

You are doing things that increases your pain.

If you are not happy with that, then do your thing and stop asking for help. You will be back here 6 months from now however IMO

Chappie is trying to help you.

Why are you not helping yourself ?

I get the feeling you didn't read my entire post and you only read the first sentence. I explain my logic completely and if you think it's flawed than that's what you think. I've had users who seem to support me more and they are my people. I do appreciate anyone taking the time to offer me help or advice in any type of way, but as I said I think my previous post explains where I'm at and how my mind is currently if you read it in its entirety. I began posting here because I was fucking devastated and I didn't know what to do. I continue to post here to talk about what I'm going through and still look for that support in my moments of weakness. Sorry if I'm not as simple as, "Divorce the dumb bitch and move on"

@Western, I did look up Codependency and read up on it A LOT last night after your post.

@goalong Is one of the type of people around here I refer to with his approach, he responds to my mistakes in turn and continues to lend his support

@Stevesn I honestly wish I would have thought of that in the moment

@Chappie I'm sorry your post got me so riled. On October 13th you said this to me and it made me feel great, "I’ve been participating on these boards for about eight years. I’m still hoping someone makes it doing what you’re doing. So far it has never worked."

But you also asked me how I talked myself into being a kept man and quite honestly, I don't know. I'm honestly at my best when I'm single, and I write my best when I'm depressed. I was never the marriage type until I met this woman and I don't see myself ever going through marriage again because how all of this played out. With that said, she will always be the one and only wife I chose. It took 10 years to get there and there's now way I could jump into something like this again.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 6:58 PM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

Ithasfeels

@Stevesn I honestly wish I would have thought of that in the moment

It’s ok. Remember it for the next time.

Honestly I think it’s a great idea to use her bank account while you get yourself on your feet. Take as much as you can. And take her benefits.

That’s not a bad plan at all.

Eventually you’ll want to file, but there’s no rush to finalize the D quickly if she keeps paying. Your lawyer should also work on what’s reasonable financial support from her and over how long. Of course she’ll probably start realizing you are going to cost her a lot and may get mad, but screw her.

As for contact I still recommend you keep it professional and all business. No more talking about old times or rehashing what happened.

As I said above:

You don’t know what will happen between her and him. And you don’t know what will happen with you. She’s been the true love of your life UP TO NOW. But the woman you remember as the REAL LOVE OF YOUR LIFE may be waiting around the next corner. None of us have that crystal ball to know what will happen the next moment. Be excited about that in between your low moments.

I hope you eventually find someone who values commitment as much as you do and she just becomes, as the song goes, “someone that you used to know” because you truly do find your life’s love down the line.

Take care and remember {crickets}

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:16 PM, November 7th (Tuesday)]

Doing salary negotiations tomorrow for a position as a Brand Ambassador / Social Media Marketing Director for a new business opening (I've been doing handy work for them the past couple of days making $100 cash for 4-5 hours of labor)... wish me luck! If it works out this will solve all the financial problems almost instantly, I'll easily be able to pick up the lease on my own or even negotiate splitting it with WW 50/50 if it comes to the point where she doesn't want to pay anymore. *fingers crossed*

Well done! That is excellent news, and we will all have our fingers crossed for you.