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Were you and OBS able to ascertain the nature of the contact? I'm not surprised. Your WW's reaction to the exposure of her AP was very concerning. I've wondered since that time if she might be the pursuer at this point.

Affair partners very frequently engage in "future faking". This is, of course, imagining a future together after divorcing their current partners. The reason we call it "future faking" is that often enough, one or both are not really serious when their feet are held to the fire. Typically, it's the MM who feels he has the most to lose and back-peddles after DDay. Even so, they tend to want to let the OW down gently so she doesn't cause too much of a fuss. Cheaters are very often conflict avoidant. It's one of the reasons why they aren't solving problems within the marriage. Instead, they seek distraction outside it and they're usually conflict avoidant with the OW as well. So, I'm curious as to what's going on with OBS. Is she still steadfast on divorce?

If she's remained steadfast, the OM would be open to the idea of a "soft place to land", thus continuing the affair with your WW. But if she's given him hope to salvage the marriage and he's still in contact with your WW, either he's doing the conflict avoidant "let her down gently" routine, or he's actually engaged in an exit strategy where he's stringing the OBS along to keep her sweet while he divorces her. So, you see that what's happening on her end can clarify the picture.

I think it's safe to assume that your WW is still in pursuit of the AP. But is he answering that call, or is he trying to shuffle her off? Either way, you can call it a day and be done. That's your call and you would do well to move in that direction anyway. But for a WW who's got her head up her ass the way yours does... the spell isn't broken until she's been dumped on both fronts. It sounds kind of low-down and manipulative, but there's a fifty-fifty chance you and the OBS can make that happen if you work together.

Agree with ChamomileTea above.

That would explain her behavior since D day.

Please continue with the 180, detach and move on, she’s not R material at this point in time.

And again, discuss finances with you lawyer present. She wants to discuss finance because she’s planning her future with her AP.

Even if she ends up moving with her AP, it won’t stay a happy couple for long. The rainbows and unicorns faze out, and one of them end up cheating on the other (shocking isn’t it?)

Her reaction to your telling the OBS should have told you the affair was not over....at least not for your wife.

Now you should file and put adultery down as the reason. You can still use exposure at work as a trump card to get her to play nice and get you what you need.

Weekend recap:

Friday night, went to dinner with WW, kids, and MIL. WW drank wine. Spilled at dinner. Get home. I talk with MIL. WW has also been lying and omitting from telling her what she had really been doing. MIL leaves.

WW wants to go for a drive. I wanted to go see a local band, tell her to be back at 9pm. I call and text at 9:30 and she finally gets back. I go to show.

Saturday, I do yard work and WW goes for a walk. Gone about 1.5 hrs. In the afternoon, I leave to visit a friend and stay overnight.

I get a text from OBS at 4am. I call her at 9am. Apparently her WH did not come home until 4am and was drunk. He was also away Friday night from 8:30 to after 9:30pm, and left the house Saturday morning 10:30 for a couple hours.

So, they saw each other Friday night, Saturday morning, and that POSOM was probably at MY house that night after my kids went to bed.

When I got home Sunday night, I asked WW about seeing him. She said she is not going to talk to me about it. I tell her that she should just go be with him. She says that he won't leave his kids.

Well, the OBS has her meeting with the best divorce attorney in town today. We both agree that those two should just go for it with each other. Not to be mean, but I hope that she takes him to the cleaners!

At least my WW seems resigned to the fact that I can afford my house by myself and she will have to be moving out soon. I told her I will inform her of our financial situation. I also told her to be at a meeting with my lawyer in two days.

I didn't want any of this, but feel that I have no choice. I didn't want to get D, but I have to.

I really don't know who she is. Definitely not the woman I married.

It is all just a shame and sad.

Please continue to be careful around her. Protect yourself and your kids at all cost.

Wow, just Wow. She says he won't leave his kids (That also means his wife) and she is resigned to living a life as the OW? What a morally bankrupt person your STBXW has turned out to be. I'm sorry. What a crappy influence on your children. I'm sorry for them as well. I suppose she is hoping the OBS kicks him out which it appears she is going to do but he may just kick your STBXW to the curb when it comes down to it. I hope you remember all of this if she comes slinking back. I hope for better days for you to come.

She and the OM will be together full-time after both divorces are finshed. As another poster noted, keep your cool until everything is finalized.

Keep your chin up. Keep encouraging your WW to physically move on since she's already mentally moved on. It will help you to heal to have her out of the house. Take care of yourself.

Stick to the 180 in earnest and take care of yourself.

Here is a really good post I read on another website a couple years back that I saved.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

You are a good man for maintaining your calm in those situations. You should be proud of yourself for handling the situation with class and dignity. Your STBXWW clearly has none. It's unfortunate that your daughters have such a terrible example for a mother. Good thing they have a good example in you as to how one should behave in a M.

I hope she is out of your house soon. I think you will find that your life is so much easier once that happens.

Good text LivingWithPain ; that’s how I see things too. There’s no point arguing.

"You and I had good time together, we shared our path for many years, but sadly, it’s time to say goodbye. I wish you the best with your new love interest. Bye"

"You won’t fight for our marriage?"

"What marriage? The moment those pants/dress came down, the marriage became null and void. All we have to do now is fill out the paper work with the lawyers"

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:57 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

I tell her that she should just go be with him. She says that he won't leave his kids.

That's the most frequent excuse that MM give to their OWs about why they won't leave their wives, and just like yours, the OW falls for it hook, line, and sinker. That's her problem, not yours at this point. If you're on the path to D, these discussions are no longer in your best interests. It's better to limit conversation to the needs of the children and immediate financial concerns.. and if possible, through email or text where you've got a paper trail.

You'll want to follow your attorney's advice, so I would schedule a follow-up meeting where it's just you without your WW in attendance. If possible, you'll want to avoid the hell of IHS (in-house separation). Divorces are business, and your demeanor should reflect that. You might consider getting a VAR (voice-activated recorder) and keeping it on your person, particularly if your WW is a hot-head.

I'm sorry it's come to this, but I don't think you're making a wrong decision to just be done with her. Strength to you.

She and the OM will be together full-time after both divorces are finished.

Likely not for long. As soon as the new shine wears off and the thrill of being sneaky assholes goes away, they'll be done with each other and try to come crawling back to their respective ex-spouses, who will hopefully laugh in their respective faces.

Thank you all for the comments, insight and advice.

I have started a new thread in the Divorce/Separation forum.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=639850