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How about that!

In the latest exchange of solicitors letters STBXWW has requested a change in contact arrangements.

For the last three months I have had them every Wednesday and Friday night after school and I saw them for a couple of hours on a Monday and Tuesday evening. She (unilaterally) now wants me to have them every Wednesday night and alternate weekends (Friday and Saturday) and to not see them at all on any other days. She thinks that because her solicitors have put this in writing that it is decided.

My solicitor has replied with the compromise that I have them every Wednesday night and alternate weekends (as per her request) but I have them Sunday night as well so that I can take them to school on the Monday thus spending the whole weekend with them. In addition, I asked that I picked them up from school every Friday (I work half days on Fridays and have picked them up from school and nursery since they were 3 months old). She can collect them on her way home from work so I can have couple of hours with them otherwise I wouldn't see them for a whole week.

Therefore we have two solicitors letters and no agreement.

I texted her today to say that I wanted to collect them from school on Friday as always. She has said no to this. At first my thoughts were to just let her have her way until the court decides but then I thought, SOD THAT. I want to see my children. So I told her that I WILL be picking them up from school as normal and if she turns up then it will be her making a scene outside the school gates. I've poked the stick at the bear and this will feed her hate but if I don't do this I will be giving in to her every request. If I didn't fight for the children she would accuse me of not wanting to see them.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I suppose what I'm questioning is what is the understanding of the arrangements while the arrangements are still being negotiated? Why does she think her request becomes the defaqto without consultation?

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:01 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

I have no idea how this all works where you're at, but in the States what you stated is correct... She does not own the children because she is their Mother! Not only should you have the right to see your children more than she wants to let you, THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO SEE YOU! What a selfish pos she's being! Here, if you didn't fight for them, the courts would absolutely see that as a sign that you didn't really want them as much as you state you do.

It sounds like the legal side of things where visitation are concerned are very different there, that is truly deplorable. Not that it's perfect here (so far from it), but the courts try very very hard to keep the children's lives as normal as possible, making as few changes to their daily lives as Can be avoided. Continuity is extremely important for kids, so I say if you've always picked them up from school on Fridays, you should continue to do so. If she keeps fighting you on this, what exactly will be her reasoning? Not to you, not your solicitors, but to a court? I would think she'd have to come up with something better than "because I just don't want him to".

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Having a delusional WS is bad enough, one that uses their children to hurt their BS and is willing to damage the children in the process is beyond despicable

Like many have stated before me, this game will get old, posOM will tire of having the kids around taking her attention, and she'll most likely give in quite a bit, until then...

Huge hugs to you!

Things must really be getting shitty over there. Chickens are coming home to roost. Please realize this is just a tactic. Things are fraying over there so she's trying to instigate aggression against you, using the kids as a weapon, to try to bring solidarity between her and POSOM. By making you the common enemy she hopes to cement things with him, because there must be some cracks.

What I'm about to say might be a little painful, forgive me. Right now she's probably trying to be super partner, doing chores, cooking meals, running errands, etc, more so than she ever did for you. Why? She knows she fucked up but she's gotta make it work. She's got to justify herself because she can't be responsible for wrecking a marriage and destroying a family and come out on the other side with nothing. The cow is probably sexing him crazy too

POSOM, on the other hand, is probably happy with this as he's being treated like a king, but all the while his eyes are wandering. She's probably already noticed that about him and must pull out all the stops to forstall what I feel is the inevitable outcome of her actions. Things are going to get tougher for you. Brace yourself. They don't call this ride a roller coaster for nothing and there is nothing more difficult than dealing with a bat-shit crazy wayward spouse deep in the delusional fog.

very possible:

Why? She knows she fucked up but she's gotta make it work. She's got to justify herself because she can't be responsible for wrecking a marriage and destroying a family and come out on the other side with nothing.

I read a novel last year called "The Seducer" about a wife who throws away her family for the stroking and attention of a psychopath. In the narrative, after she files for D, her lover starts backing off and as a result she tries to "make it work" at all costs.

The author is a woman a psychologist with a lot of experience in this field...so I am sure it is a familiar refrain...

be strong

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 11:11 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

I'd like to think you're right. However, I think she's just a fucking bitch.

My advice is get custody of your kids ASAP.

I suppose what I'm questioning is what is the understanding of the arrangements while the arrangements are still being negotiated? Why does she think her request becomes the defaqto without consultation?

This was my question before - if there is no agreement, then who gets to make the call? What does your lawyer say?

Is it possible to convene/request an EMERGENCY custody hearing - that doesn't focus on any of the other/financial issues regarding the divorce - but could put a custody / visitation plan in place (even if temporary until D is worked out??)

Regretfully it does seem that this is not going to be a harmonious divorce and child custody will be an important issue. You get what you fight for and your aggressive, unpleasant wife has declared war.

I agree with hatefulnow this relationship with the OM is ultimately doomed. Asked to be a 'father' and putting up with this selfish harridan will finally prove too much.

Allatsea,

I just have to say one thing:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I agree with you 100% about what your wife is.

I just didn't want to say it because she's still your wife and, despite everything, you probably still harbor strong affection for her and if you had your druthers would take her back if there was hope to heal your family.

Oh, I was wrong. One more thing. OM KNOWS from personal experience that she's the type of woman who will lie, cheat, betray, violate vows and then behave like a total shit afterwards. Who in the he'll would want to be with a woman like that? Although, it would serve him right.

STBXWW has sunken to new depths. She has been corrected on all her marital re-write and can't find fault in any of my reasoned emails and solicitors requests. Therefore, in order to continue to validate her shitty life choices, she has had to dig really deep and find someone who doesn't like me in order to find an advocate.

That person is my estranged sister. A person who has estranged herself from her mum, dad and brother for years. Someone who blames everything crappy in her life on someone else. A victim. STBXWW hated her when we were together and was very supportive when my sister turned nasty.

Sister contacted STBXWW and they met up to exchange stories. They are best buddies now and everything that sister says is true and I am now the nasty person who deserves to be betrayed, abandoned and deceived.

I suppose this has to be expected by them both as they are both broken and they are validating each other. I just have to suck it up, keep my head down and push through this crap.

The sooner we get contact sorted the sooner I can minimise contact with STBXWW. She is easy to hate right now (even though I still love the old wife)

F'ing Bitch

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:41 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

I remember six years ago when my exww was in the throes of her affair with her boss - she looked great as had always been the case for the 25 years I knew her. Fast forward 6 years - I saw exww last week and the years have not been kind to her. She has aged 15 years in the past 6, is very stocky/pudgy and her hair is a grey/white and poorly done. She is a far cry from the beautiful woman I was married too. I don't think life for her is all rainbows and unicorns as she had envisioned.

**Update**

Another solicitors letter. STBXWW is firmly of the opinion that what she says goes. If we don't agree on something then she makes the final decision. In this case, she has changed the amount of contact she wants me to have and I have not agreed but it is now in effect.

STBXWW is not willing to compromise on anything - financial or children related.

I have proposed many options but she has rejected them all. She's now refusing to give me permission to take them to France

This person has changed beyond recognition. She is simply evil.

Correct me if I am wrong but the divorce isn't final yet.

You can take the children wherever you wish to. If she doesn't want to come its her wish. I believe she had taken your children with OM on some trip right?

Gently, Initially you were of the opinion that rubbing her the wrong way might affect your options on custody, finance etc. but either way she is dictating terms.

If nothing is working, I'd suggest you revisit considering threatening to out the A or better outing the A to her boss's boss and everyone under the sun. That might, might make them change their stance a wee bit.

This is war. Since she is not budging from her stubbornness, think ways to break her. Find weaknesses. No more Mr. Nice guy.

Just my opinion, as it worked for me.

I found out that my exW was scared of her relatives knowing about the A. I started telling them one by one in person. She gave me everything I wanted. When I stopped using my bull horn, she started her tricks again. Then I told her sister in the states. She crumbled and finished the negotiations in the next sitting.

She made huge financial blunders even when OM had trained her.

I got double the price for the car I gave her, the house. My relatives called the negotiations a steal deal.

I did pay up a lump some amount she had invested in marriage, but, I gave it whole heartedly believing it would be for my DS.

Time for aggression I'd say.

Happy,

Everyone knows about the A. They knew from day one. I'm playing hard and always have done. I'm still open to compromise where she is not. She is the one who looks inflexible. I can have pride and dignity in everything I do. She will live to regret this.

allatsea, sending you strength, brother.

Happy,

Everyone knows about the A. They knew from day one. I'm playing hard and always have done. I'm still open to compromise where she is not. She is the one who looks inflexible. I can have pride and dignity in everything I do. She will live to regret this.

Sorry, double post

I'm curious. Why do women in the UK seem to call the shots in divorce? I mean, in the USA, the presumption of paternity is based on a 500 year old British law that says the husband is the father. How does this shit happen?

A very kind fellow member (Aesir) pointed me in the direction of this webpage:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Within it I found this. This is the situation that my WW finds herself in:

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while.

I can't quite believe how predictable WW is. Should I send it to her?

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:38 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]