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Bigger thank you for everything I have been taking my time. It has given me clarity and she has been much more open I have moved past it and I’d say we are in a good place I am not questioning it anymore she has been much more open and she is present again. Maybe im making a mistake maybe not I love her and I realize I had my faults as well and owned it. I want to keep my family together as does she so I will keep moving forward with our reconciliation and trying to be more present myself.

she has been much more open I have moved past it and I’d say we are in a good place I am not questioning it anymore she has been much more open and she is present again

Rugsweeping may seem deliciously comforting in this moment but, as Bigger said, there will come a time of reckoning. It’s your life, and you’re absolutely entitled to learn the hard way.

I allowed my H’s first affair to be swept under the rug. Never mentioned again. It was over and I was moving forward.

Biggest regret I have had.

It just made it easier to cheat the next time. He learned nothing. He did nothing to assure me he understood the pain he caused.

Second affair - hard 180, kicked him to the curb and I MADE SOME HARD CHOICES. Starting with I stopped being a doormat.

Don’t be me. Don’t make my mistakes too.

I would not say I’m sweeping it under the rug. We talk now and have moved past it. While I do appreciate everything I can’t keep being told I’m still wrong no matter what I do. We both want to make this work and to constantly be told I’m doing the wrong things makes me stay angry about it when I’m not I moved past it. I understand I will never forget it but dwelling on it only makes things worse. Since letting it go our communication is much better we are happy and my children are happy that’s what we need. Secrets are no more we are back to loving each other like we used to, but in a better way. I know what happened was her doing but at the same time it was mine. I wasn’t there emotionally for her and really the drinking was an excuse I wasn’t listening when she talked and I am now the conversations are deeper than ever before when before I didn’t listen to her emotions when she talked I let it trigger me and made things worse by saying the wrong things not acknowledging her feelings but only seeing how they came across to me thinking only of myself. Maybe I am wrong and if so I’ll come back so you can say I told you so, but for now I’m at peace and want to keep it that way. We are both working through our shit and trying to move forward.

I’m not going to give you a 2x4 or criticize you. It’s your life and you have to choose your own path and your own priorities. Just know that your WW’s reaching out to a coworker, texting and sending photos, and possibly more, had nothing to do with your drinking or the state of your M. She did it because she wanted to do it. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to reach out to her coworker. I hope you continue your sobriety if that is what you want. Good luck.

... dwelling on it only makes things worse.

Does that mean 'dwelling on it brings up horrible feelings'?

If so, 'dwelling on it' is actually your path to truly moving on. Being betrayed brings with it feelings of anger, grief, fear, shame, etc., and healing requires processing those feelings out of your body. If you don't do that, you'll stuff the feelings someplace in your body, and the feelings will fester, and eventually you'll feel even worse.

If I've misinterpreted 'I understand I will never forget it but dwelling on it only makes things worse,' what DO you mean?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:43 PM, Monday, February 23rd]

By dwelling on it means constantly bringing it up talking about it over and over. I am not angry or consumed by it anymore her and I have talked about it and I’m satisfied I have moved past it.

Are you comfortable that the reasons this happened have been resolved and that she won't do this again?