SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One other housekeeping issue - you should let OBS know of the change. It doesn't have to be anything other than 'figured that you would want to know'

Jello

A surprising number of people say “it’s dead” and then learn to live with the corpse…

Given time it even becomes OK. You learn to focus on work, do the normal family-things, go out to dinner with friends as a couple, maybe even go to Mexico together and even manage to have sex. To all appearances, it’s a marriage. Only every now and then something scratches the surface and the stink of the corpse fills the room.

If it’s over – get it over with. If not – then don’t combat the rotting corpse-smell with perfume. Make your stance clear to your wife and either work at R or work at D.

A surprising number of people say “it’s dead” and then learn to live with the corpse...

So very true, Bigger. And like you said, that's not healthy for either party.

Luxury- I too have said my M is dead. Most memories that used to bring happiness now usually bring pain. I don't ever, ever want to go back to that. My M was diseased and I didn't even really know it, but now it is dead.

At the same time, I do have desire for a completely different M that is healthy and fulfilling, with my more self-aware, new and improved WH. That desire isn't without fear of being weak for staying, or fear of further rejection and pain though.

I wonder if you sometimes feel similarly?

Jello

Don't feel pressurised. It is ultimately your decision to make, when you feel you are ready, whether you R or D. You are no longer living in infidelity and there is NC between WW and OM, so immediate action is not necessary other than for your own peace of mind. Only you can decide when that time is right for you.

Your wife badly betrayed and disrespected you but as in most cases it was her who was broken not you.

It appears that she:

- Is trying really hard to fix herself

- Has progressed with the help of many here to become truly remorseful (I cannot think of any thread that I have read where the WW has been more committed)

- Wants to be with you and has no feelings for OM.

It is good you are spending some time away from this forum. I think you should also consider spending time away from WW before deciding. If you do offer the gift of reconciliation then you must make it clear that it is a commitment but not a contract. Obviously any contact with OM or any failure to be all in from her would end the offer. Likewise even if she does everything right you may finally decide what she did was a deal breaker.

Good luck.

Okay, I'm going to throw my 2 cents worth in. Your marriage is dead. You have accepted that. You now have to ask yourself two questions.

(1) Do I love this women even after what she has done to me?

(2) Not can I, but Do I wish to spend the rest of my life with her?

If the answer to either of these questions is NO then divorce is the only route.

If the answer to the questions is yes then you have only one path you can take that will keep you together. Screw reconciliation and forget about divorce. Your marriage is dead so you have to start from square one. You have to start from the beginning, just like you and her started in college. You are both different people now. A traumatic happening in life can, in a matter of days, change a person completely. I know because after I came out of the death and destruction of a combat zone, the person I was when I went in no longer existed. I had to reevaluate and look at the world through different eyes. You are not the same person you were. Your wife is not the same person she was. You will never trust fully again. I very seriously doubt she will ever cheat again. If your answer to the questions is yes your only recourse is to begin anew. There are a lot on here, who have been betrayed, whose only answer to everything is divorce. You are the only one that knows how you feel and what you really want deep down inside. I personally think you should take 6 months before you make a decision on a life altering path. I know you are hurting now but how will you feel in two years. Will you wonder , what if I had...... You really have two choices. Divorce or start out like you and her just met. Maybe you can't do that but only you know. I do wish you well.

Jello,

I am so glad you have had a break through that brings you some peace.

You deserve to feel some peace in the storm.

First things first, I'm so glad that you have finally gained some clarity in terms of how you want to proceed with things. I find that there are a lot of similarities between you and me (married young, still relatively young, don't have kids, etc.). What I don't get is why so many posters here are trying to sell you something that you said in your update that you don't want. You said that you are done and instead of posters here supporting you, they are trying to push you into another direction. To be honest, I actually do get it. Your wife is a member of this site and because she seems to be remorseful, people here feel that you should at least give her a chance. What is even more eye raising to me is that people are advising you to do things that you already done. I see people telling you to separate before you make a decision, but you already did that. They are telling you to wait a few months before you make a decision, but you already did that as well. Dude at the end of the day it is your life. If you say the marriage is dead, then its dead and people here need to accept that instead of trying to push you into the opposite direction.

I just want to be clear I was not trying to push for you (Luxury) to make a particular decision. Although I would love to see an amazing story of recovery and healing, I know that it can't always happen. I totally get it. I am BS also. I know the immense pain and devastation infidelity causes.

I just read things that sound like you are conflicted. I was trying to share my struggle with figuring out my mixed feelings. The ones that tell me run, he will always lie, you can never trust him again, you'll be weak if you try to R. And then other ones that say but you love him, and people do horrible things and sometimes they can change, and we have all this history, and what about my hopes and dreams.

I was simply suggesting that maybe you feel like you can't R but your heart isn't quite ready to agree.

I hope only the best for you and your healing and I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer at this point. But you will have support no matter the decision you make.

ETA: I apologize if my suggestions were offensive and felt as though I was trying to pressure you to change your mind.

[This message edited by Joypursuit at 3:22 PM, August 30th (Wednesday)]

Hey Lux,

I'm betrayed.

What I did was make a decision every morning. Today, I'm giving you/us another day. No matter how angry, frustrated, grief-stricken or other emotion I had during that day, I waited til the next morning to make my daily decision.

It helped me that I felt in control. And, I was. And, still am.

Where you are right now? We've all been there. It sucks...it's the kind of pain you just can't describe with words. I love meeting a fellow BS "you're husband had an affair?" And you just know by their eyes that they get it. We get it. Just remember - it will get better. No matter what you decide, it won't always feel this bad. You'll have sunny days ahead, I promise.

Oh. Uhh... Hi. Yeah I'm still alive. I'm ok. As a brief update: I'm much better at focusing and I can sleep again. WW and I had a conversation recently where, after weeks and weeks of me going along with her "let's try to salvage this if we can" plan, I just sighed and said to her, "...It's dead."

So if this is how you feel, that means infidelity is a deal breaker for you and you should walk, mate. Leave immediately. Don't procrastinate. You will heal a lot faster and spend time where it should be spent, with family, friends, fishing, traveling, sports or whatever interests you, healing and at some point finding new love.

If you stay, you will surely embark on earning a PhD in Infidelity by spending the rest of your life discussing Esther Perel, Shirley Glass, ICs, MCs, FOO issues, Affair fogs (and other unicorns), coping mechanisms, boundaries, etc. etc.

I will leave you with one thought: On this forum, I have read about many BH's who "reconciled" but still wish they had left, but I've yet to find a SINGLE BH who left his cheating wife but wishes he had stayed. Not one. If you leave, you will never regret it. If you stay, you very well may.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by redbaron007 at 1:27 AM, August 31st (Thursday)]

I will leave you with one thought: On this forum, I have read about many BH's who "reconciled" but still wish they had left, but I've yet to find a SINGLE BH who left his cheating wife but wishes he had stayed. Not one. If you leave, you will never regret it. If you stay, you very well may.

yikes

To add to what redbaron posted, quite frequently there are threads here asking if anyone regretted divorcing the WS. I can't recall a single person..male or female..who said they regretted it. That there are aspects of divorce that suck, but overall they are much happier,and relieved to be free from the marriage. Many only regret not divorcing sooner.

And then there are the stories at the top of the Reconciliation Forum about happy and successful reconciliations and those scattered throughout the threads from those that are happily reconciled.

The REAL truth is that there is not a singular, one size fits all, real truth. Some couples R and are truly happy; some moderately happy; some are treading water and some feel they made a mistake but are stuck. Some couples D and move on to peaceful and happy lives; some move on to lives that leave them content but only moderately happy; some are treading water and some feel they gave up too soon and wished they had tried to R.

People often project their own views, experiences and bias into how they tell their story and, thus into the advice they offer.

In the end, it doesn't matter what any one poster, or any group of posters, believe or opine. What matters is what is right for you. And unfortunately only you can figure out what is right for you. That is why the decision making process is so hard. You think it's one way as you lay our head on the pillow at night and the next morning, with a nights sleep, you think it just might be the opposite. That is normal. It is expected. Either way is going to greatly affect your life and, so, mulling it over, weighing each option back and forth 10,000 times, thinking you want to D one day and not wanting to the next is the only smart way to reach an ultimate decision. A knee jerk decision, either way, is bad strategy. So the fact that you have gone back and forth is nothing to be ashamed of. You are going about it the right way.

To decide to D takes strength and courage. To decide to try and R takes strength and courage. Don't EVER believe anyone who tries to tell you that if you don't follow the path they recommend that you are weak or stupid. You are showing grace and strength in the face of a shit storm. Those of us who have BTDT recognize that in you. Be proud of who you are. One of these days or weeks the right answer will come to you and you will know it; feel it; when it does.

There are many ways to go about this psychologically.

The one sure thing is that if your gut is saying divorce, then it's best (and most fair) to all to get it done asap. There are no endings to anything, you could always a few years down the line get back together. I'll be honest though, freshly removed from the marrriage you'll see that life doesn't have to be this way. You deserve someone whose life revolves around you as she does to you. Not some woman who, in the back of your mind, wanted to instead be arguing about the thermostat with some other dude and falling asleep on his shoulder.

There are paths to something otherwise, but those paths are paved with ONE BILLION PERCENT conviction.

Probably the worst case scenario is going into reconciliation without 100% absolute unquestioned (aforementioned) conviction that is ALL you want to do (with certain boundaries of course). By FAR the most miserable people here are those that fall into that category.

1985 is correct, there is not a "1 size fits all" remedy here . All we can do is give you advice and its up to you to take what works. If you are here long enough you can see the ones who have a bend one way or another. Some are projecting, wishing they had divorced rather than reconciled, some think you should divorce if you dont have kids and some reconcile no matter what, etc. However no one knows your situation better than you and I find the wisest posters wont tell you what direction to take , but merely give you information so that you can make the best decision for yourself.

Luxury , you have been given great advice from all different angles and scenarios , but only you know whats the best path for your situation because none of us have to live with the results , only you.

Luxury - I am in the minority but will straight up say - I would leave if I were you.

No kids, you're still young, good job. It may not feel like it now, but you have the world at your fingertips.

Doesn't it feel like a weight has been lifted when you don't have to worry about her and interact with her? That says it all. Live life for yourself - not for others.

Just look at the profiles of the founders of this site or the mods.

Any relationship can be fixed if you both are in 110%.

This does not mean you should r, it means despite what some say, people have come from worse and made it.

It is up to you.

In the end, it is simply going to come down to what you want to do.

People here have successfully reconciled with WS who put much less work in than your WW at this point post dday. On the other hand, people have walked away from WS who had a very brief affair and were stellar candidates for R. You will be supported whichever path you end up choosing as long as it doesn't involve staying in infidelity.

It all comes down to the particulars of your situation and its future prospects, and frankly more importantly how you feel about it.

Luxury - I am in the minority but will straight up say - I would leave if I were you.

believe me, you are not in the minority.