SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry... Wrong thread!

[This message edited by toby at 8:52 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

I'm sorry but I don't understand?!

I hate the weekends without my children. Not only is it lonely but I think of them living their new life with POS. I'm trying to fill my time with stuff but I can't keep myself busy every minute of the day. The house is so quiet and empty.

Whilst I am trying to make the best of a bad situation by embracing a new future, it is desperately disappointing that she valued her family unit lower than I ever thought she could.

Hey, AAS,

Have you read my posts today? Methinks we are leading (unfortunately) parallel lives across the pond.

It is agonizing enough that my kids have been away for so long (four days feel like an eternity), but I dread the day when I know they are with the OM.

The feelings of helplessness are the worst. At the end of the day there is simply nothing we can do, nothing we can fix. And for me--and I bet it was the same for you--this is really tough, because when it came to my family, I was always the doer, the fixer, the one whose pleasure it was to make everything OK.

A horrible sensation to find oneself no longer in that role.

You are not alone.

Abb,

Our current situations haven't gone unnoticed! There is nothing I can do. The only differences between us that i can see are that your Ww wants to talk to you whereas mine refuses to communicate with me at all. Also, I was never the primary carer of my children, she did that, but I was/am a very key part of their life and a good role model. I miss them terribly. I don't see the boys until Wednesday evening and it feels like a big gap without seeing the children that I've seen every day for years. Whilst nc with Ww prevents hurt, talking with the children about their weekend hurts too.

[This message edited by allatsea at 4:49 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

AAS,

Yes, my WW keeps wanting to talk to me--and about reconciliation no less, "a path back" as she puts it--but all the while still involved with the POS and of course showing zero remorse.

These people are simply not in the same world in which we dwell: logic, understanding of what true love means and does, and the most important thing of all--family.

We just need to accept this as tragic fact and muscle through this hell.

AllatSea, I am new, (my 2nd post), but I have read this whole thread & I just have to throw my hat of support in for you.

This is hell & war, we have been thrown into & even after the heartbreak i& betrayal by your wife,/my husband, there is the anguish & hurt to our children/grandchildren, in my case That makes me want to hurt

someone back but I am resisting the urge.

Our situations are different but I have told my STBX? If you don't love me, you WILL respect me by the time this is all over. He is learning.

We are going to not hurt so much, one of these days, as the reality of our spouses actions set in, & we accept the person we see now.

It's already better than it was, however small of progress you feel in the gut wrenching hurt department. We are going to have days not completely shrouded by this plague. We are. You are.

Saying prayers for all of us "to see & enjoy the time we can steal of joy", while maintaining vigilance against the creeper that invaded their souls.

The drama continues.

Last week, after the swimming pool incident, WW decided that she would make a formal allegation of harassment to the Police. Strangely, this isn't in relation to the physical pushing and shoving at the pool but regarding my history of emailing and texts. She has many messages from me, especially in the first weeks after DD, asking her all the normal questions like why and how and begging her to make the marriage work etc. Normal stuff. I've also sent her some more hurtful stuff like 'I can't believe you could destroy a family' and 'you are truly disgusting' and 'one day you will be ashamed of your actions'. Things like that.

Ironically, I stopped sending unnecessary messages once I implemented the 180 but nevertheless she has them all saved up and has used them against me. The Police have followed protocol, taken her statement and seen the selected messages she wanted them to see.

The Police are not going to pursue this but they did turn up at my house last night to give me a piece of paper explaining the allegations, what harassment is and that I should not send her any further unwanted messages. Reading between the lines this would seem to be a way of the Police looking like they are taking this seriously but really just placating WW. I calmly said to the Policeman that if she didn't want to be questioned by her husband about infidelity and the destruction of our family maybe she shouldn't have fucked her boss! He was actually very understanding and could see that I was not in anyway a threatening or violent person and he seemed to have some sympathy.

I can imagine that being made to face the reality of their actions might cause them discomfort aand she would prefer not to receive such soul searching questions. She simply expects me to accept and move on.

Once he left I did sob a little. I feel like I'm watching this on TV and when I replay the whole story back in my mind it's worthy of a TV series. It's quite surreal. I never once imagined my life would come to this.

I guess that this is in retaliation to 'winning' the right to take the children on holiday and also the humiliation of seeing her new manly boyfriend being thrown to the floor like the weak little man he is.

I also had my mediation assessment meeting yesterday and although WW wasn't there I had to put my list of desires to the mediator so she knows what I'm looking for once we begin mediation proper. Even that was

quite emotional.

My lovely wife and best friend of 19 years no longer wants to be in my presence, talk to me or let me be the father of my children. I am having trouble reconciling this new person in my life. This is clearly who she is now. Was she always this person? Is she being manipulated by POS? Is she projecting her guilt? COuld it be said that her extreme behaviour is directly proportional to how bad she feels?

I just don't get it.

The why really isn't important. Just concentrate on her actions and appropriate responses or non-responses to them. And be the best father you can be to your kids.

People have affairs and leave marriages for all sorts of reasons, but the basic one is selfishness.

AAS,

I too have obsessed over the "Why" from every conceivable angle for a long long time, damaging myself further--and still continue, even though I have finally taken action and am divorcing. I expect that my thinking about this will continue for a long long time. It is natural that we wil, for we are normal, loving, thoughtful, empathetic human beings.

But no matter how I conceive of it, it really comes down to selfishness, as a previous poster just indicated. If you can think hard about it, objectively and dispassionately, every single action by our STBXWWs--every last one--is a manifestion of incredible, mind-blowing selfishness.

It really is just that simple. But of course that doesn't make it easier to accept or internalize. But that is the answer.

Strength and clarity to all of us...

Allatsea,

I have been keeping up with your post, and am heartbroken for you. I just can't believe a person would be so selfish, and deluded to do that to their family. She is not only hurting you, but your children by breaking up the family.

Whilst walking to the changing area pos physically inserted himself into my direct path and attempted to shoulder me into the wall. I grabbed him and shoved him away. He fell over.

But when I read this, I felt much satisfaction for you. POS should stay out of your way! A little shove sends him to the ground!!!!

Allatsea: 1, POS: 0.

So glad you wrote your solicitor about it, b/c POS is posturing and trying to provoke you. Next time, you should probably not touch him, just remind him how it ended last time, and that you both know who would win another altercation, but that you'll do both of you a favor by not laying a hand on him (he won't get his face broken, and you won't get assault charges against you.)

You will be happy again, Allatsea, whether without another SO, or with one. You will find happiness again. Keep pressing the courts for more time with your children...don't let WW take them away.

Allatsea,

I've been trolling for a week or so after my own ridiculously surreal dday.

I've read this entire thread and I echo others...great job handling everything.

I wish I had your fortitude.

I never thought I would be the type to beg or plead, to stay after infidelity or to give WS a "second, third, fourth " chance.

Yet here I am waiting again for him to decide what he wants.

I want to be able to walk away knowing I did all I could. I am not there yet, but hopefully soon will get resolve.

I know this sounds counterintuitive and I am not downplaying your pain at all ( I am there)...but knowing she hasn't wavered on reconciliation is one thing to be thankful for.

In my mind its the difference between how my father and sister died. My father died a slow agonizing death over 3 years, and my sister died instantly in a car accident.

Both deaths left me staggered. Yet for me, I was thankful my sister didn't suffer as my father did.

No matter the circumstances of infidelity, there's always suffering, unimaginable pain, anguish and the realignment of reality.

For me, the roller coaster of my WS going back and forth (after 18 years and 3 children) has been horrific and mentally debilitating.

Knowing your course (even if it was one you didn't choose) seems to be a slight blessing. I hate even typing that because it sounds absurd.

But my therapist reminded me today at MC that *I* have a choice too.

Right now my choice is to wait and see if he can go NC.

Again-kudos to you and sorry if any of this sounded off. Its 1am here, I need sleep.

Myperfectlife,

I totally understand your thinking. I suppose that is the only saving grace for my situation. Other than a few weeks after DD where she was keeping me in limbo, there has been no indication from her that she regrets her decision.

Whilst I am reconciled with the fact that we can never come back from this or be together again, I still have trouble accepting that she is a disgusting person and could do this.

I guess we all feel that.

From the limited amount you've told me about your husband it sounds like he's a serial cheater and could never reform. If you keep forgiving him and waiting on the sidelines he is cake eating and you are giving him the plate and fork to eat it with.

I hope you can be strong enough to NC him

Allatsea,

Thank you for your words. My story is under the thread "get me off this crazy thing" in the JFO forum.

My WH had an EA several years ago and recently a PA. When I say I am waiting "again" I mean that in this particular situation I have given him many chances to straighten up and fly right. Right now he is tempted to contact her because I decided not to stay the night at his place.

It's true when you say these people turn into someone else. If selfishness could only be seen from the outside, we could all just run and hide our children and hearts.

Looking back over the past 18 years I can clearly see all of his faults. His main attribute to me was his loyalty and the security I thought that would give me. Although I was the good wife and dutifully carried the world on my shoulders, from household to love life...it still was not enough.

That's the part that gets me right in the gut.

Everyone says don't rush into a decision, and I am trying not to. But who can live this way for long? I can't.

My sympathies, MPL.

But who can live this way for long? I can't.

No, you can't. Nor could I. I lived with my WW's ongoing A since last November. (It began almost a year before that.).

And I was not living. I was breathing. But I was dead inside. Nothing but unrelenting anguish. Limbo kills, pure and simple. Get out of it.

I am divorcing and I am still anguished over it, but it is nowhere near as bad as that nonlinear suffering. At least now my pain is "linear." I will be divorced. I will have demonstrated through my actions that I will not tolerate (finally!) such incredible disrespect and heartlessness (to say nothing of what she has done to our children).

Again, my heart goes out to you.

Abbondad,

Thank you for your words.

They are becoming part of my big picture and I hope to have it finished soon.

MPL,

I will check out your thread.

I had only 5 weeks of limbo followed by my own BS fog that she would come back and reconcile once she realised what she'd done. Worst weeks of my life. I lost 28 pounds in two months.

I still get emotional, just like Abbondad, about all the same things. The loss of what we thought we had, the future, the family unit and even the feeling that the past was a fraud.

I'm on a high this week. They do happen, believe me!

I have two dates lined up with beautiful women (one tonight in fact), I have my children over the weekend and I am excited about my holiday in two weeks time.

I will crash back down again next week but for now, it's all good.

Be strong

[This message edited by allatsea at 9:48 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Have fun on your date tonight!

AAS,

I just spent half the day with a female friend whom my WW would never have "permitted" me to hang out with, as she is very attractive. (Ironically my wife is and has always been fiercely jealous.).

It was wonderful. Tons of ego-stroking, heartfelt assurances that I will be MORE than OK, shock that my wife would ever let go of someone like me, etc.

I feel so much better right now. I just know that so much happiness awaits us. Let's go find it!

Congrats to you guys AAS and ABD!! You both deserve it.

The date went really well. I now have two ladies interested and both have arranged to see me again. Even if it doesn't lead to anything I know that there is happiness out there and my life can only get better.

My WW doesn't deserve me. My ego is boosted and I now know that I am a catch. I deserve better than her with her fucked up, blame shifting, marriage re-writing, lying ass.

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:54 AM, July 12th (Friday)]