SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a while since I posted. Just wanted to check in on everyone. It's sad we have so many new posters, but I'm glad you found us. This is a great bunch of people and very supportive.

Things are going good with H and I. He is still working 2 jobs but will hopefully get to quit 1 by Oct. We miss each other. OW and BIL are still married. Neither are working regularly, just living off CS. We see OC about 1-2 times a week. He has stayed overnight twice.

Sometimes I get depressed about OC and how our life has changed. I sometimes wish for us to have another COM, but wonder if it would be fair since so much time and energy is devoted to our DD with autism. At least OC is part time sibling and everyone gets a break from sibling rivalry.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but all I can say is take care of yourselves. Think about your feelings and what you need. Sending positive thoughts your way.

rayofhope-

While going to your FWH and saying "Choose between me and OC" would not be advised, I certainly advise sitting your husband down, telling him how you feel and that (if you decide this) the pain is too unbearable, and that if contact with OC is continued that you cannot stay in the marriage. That is being honest and true to yourself. He can decide what to do with that information (continue contact or continue marriage).

NOT telling him is not being true to yourself. Yes, OC is innocent, but so is the betrayed spouse.

Yes, OC DESERVES two parents, but BSs deserve spouses that do not betray them. No one in these situations is getting what they deserve.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for telling your H that you cannot be in the marriage if there is continued contact with OC. They haven't been in YOUR shoes. They cannot know YOUR heart.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

Oh WOW. How is everyone coping??

Sometimes I feel like I am just coping with there being a OC because its the right thing to do. Accepting them as you would another child because its the right thing to do??

Mind you I haven't met this OC yet. We haven't even told his parents about the OC yet. So not only do I have to prepare to go through telling his parents. I've also got to prepare for the meeting of the OC and the OW.

Sometimes I just wonder if this is just some harsh joke that God wishes to put upon me. WS tells me that he didn't even "come in her" but far out. Somethings that was a ONS, still unprotected, he not even coming in her. And a baby still came about.

I'm just over the roller coaster of emotions. Life really does suck :(

I am new to this site. My H had an A and with that another child. I just learned of this a couple weeks ago. When my world came crashing down around me. Not to mention that she and I were both pregnant at the same time and she gave birth 2.5 months after I did. I am trying my damnedest to forgive him. He immediately signed over all rights to the baby and has only seen her a handful of times. I'm so angry though. Angry that he did this. Angry that she has a child with my husband. Angry that he has to give $1000+ a month that should be going to my children. Angry that the OP will be in our lives forever now. I hate it all. He does seem truly remorseful and has been completely transparent thus far. I decided to stay because of our boys and that I am now pregnant again- great, i know.

So how do you do it? How do you get over being so angry, betrayed, hurt? He gave her something that was so sacred to me.

Tryingtoforgive3:

I don't have any answers, but I can tell you that I share your anger, sense of betrayal and heartache. Everyone says that time will help. I find coming to this site and sharing with others dealing with this is helpful to me. Good luck.

To say this is a complicated situation is putting it mildly. At first, before OC was born and WH and I were in the beginning of R, I felt confident in being able to accept the OC in some way. Children are my career. Even all my friends at the time said that if anyone could do it that it was me. I am kind, accepting and just a nice person. DD was two years ago and it is much harder than I thought. I have no doubts about how much my H loves me and that there is absolutely nothing left between he and cOW. However, the OC has proven to be a huge trigger. WH has to travel to another state to visit OC. So, this is a trigger too. WH also was not very involved with our children and yet goes and spends 48 straight hours caring for OC. Then there is the $ when we are losing our house and facing bankruptcy. All huge issues. I believe that I need to honor my feelings. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but if I physically and emotionally can not continue to face him going to visit, then what do I do. I am trying to change my attitute about the situation to one of knowing my life with WH and my family are good and OC is a very small part of WH's life. But it is very hard. Send me strength this weekend. I hate seeing OC and she often has her mother along he always laughs at me and mocks me when she sees me.

Sorry, I meant to say I hate seeing cOW and her mother. I do not hate OC, I just wish he didn't exist.

My H had A with my then bf. this whore I trusted with my 2 older sons. The initially start of A was a drunken night at my house where I was passed out and H has no memory of that night yet she can recite verbatim what he said and did. We are both convinced she knew what she was doing. She had told me prior to this night how her H didn't want children and she desperately wanted one. Well she doesn't want my H part of the child's life in anyway and H truly doesn't see him as his own, just as a sperm donation. Terrible as it sounds but when she took advantage she knew what she was doing. I found out about A and OC 2 months after I gave birth to our 3rd child! I was devestated, still am. This OC is 10 months older than my daughter and I cared for this child a handful of occasions. I had an attachment but my H was never home when OC was here. He was at work. Once I learned of it all I immideatly stopped contact with her but she knows how my 2nd child will be having life changing surgeries all through his childhood yet she still wants child support of $1000 a month. Because of my son I can't work, I have to be by his side during all these surgeries. The courts here where I live don't give a flying fuck about my children. We are on the verge of losing our home. And she lives with her new boyfriend and isn't paying a dime for housing. This woman I thought was my best friend, thought she cared about me thought she loved my kids turns out she only wanted my H. Why are people so vain? My best friend is an A child her mother did it all on her own. Didn't ask for bio fathers help at all. He was married and she cute ties not one penny. That I give respect to my best friends mother. My H has to live with what happened all his life. This woman wanted a child so bad, got one, got out of her abusive marriage ( which I told her too after I found out about A, no deserves to be abused even if they did such a hanious thing) now she has who she wants as the OC father and we are left financially ruined. Life sucks. How can I tell my 3 children life is wonderful when in reality it is nothing but disappointment and heartache. How does everyone cope with an A and OC?

Rayofhope

I hope all goes well for you this weekend. I wish I had advice but I don't. Best of luck

Hey everybody. I haven't logged in a while. But I have been reading everyone's updates. I see new names and that sucks ALOT, and I am so sorry that anyone of you have to be here. But as everyone always says, this is the best place to be to find true understanding of your feelings. *sigh* It has been 2 years and 8 months since the OC in my life was born. She has been a very constant part of my life. I adore her, I really do. BUT I STILL have feelings of deep sadness from time to time... For instance...Right now my SO is in the city the OC and the OW live (our college town) picking her up. I am at work. Just so happens she had a dr. appt today and my SO was to pick her up after the dr. appt and come back, OF course the dr. appt is taking forever and then they have to wait for the prescription that needs to be picked up. He called me to tell me and I couldn't help myself. I HAD to ask if they were sitting there like a happy family. He said I guess so... (because he was holding the OC and sitting next to the OW), I told him I didn't like it and he said he would fix it... but I HATE feeling that way. I hate it!! I really wish I didn't care about how things looked because I KNOW better, but I can't help it! I keep thinking that once I finally have my first child (I don't have any children) my feelings will change, I won't be so JEALOUS of him sharing a child with the other woman. I mean I know there are no feelings between them and that he never had feelings for her, but because we have been together for so long (6 years this october) I can't get over him having a child and I don't. He knows what it feels like to be a parent and I don't! She can sit next to him with their daughter and people will think they're a family and she probably feels okay about this. But when I sit with him and his daughter and I know people are assuming she is my daughter, I feel sad! When people comment on how cute she is or smart, or whatever, he is proud... I'm hurting... Sure I smile and nod and ACT like I'm just as proud as he is... but the truth is, Any pride I may feel is overshadowed by the fact that I know she is NOT my child and that she is the child of a woman who my man cheated on me with. Its not how its supposed to be!!! UGH!!! Anyway, I already feel MUCH better just because I was able to get those feelings off my chest in a place where I know I won't be judged.

Thanks everyone for being so great! and hope your day is going well.

[This message edited by Masks at 4:21 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]

Masks, that has to be so hard. So far, the OW doesn't want my husband to see the baby anymore and he doesn't really plan to anytime soon. ALso, he said that when he does see her, that I will come. Which I dread that day. I know she exists but to actually see her, is going to be very tough. And I wonder, when she gets older, will he be more involved in her life, and how will our kids feel about it. I am sorry that you have to go through all this and that you have those sad thoughts when people comment about her. One day you will have a child of your own and know what it feels like- and he will probably feel more proud because he with you and in an honest relationship- rather than creating a baby the way he did.

(((Masks)))

I am yet to met OC as is WS. I just dont know how I will feel. I have seen pictures and there are times where I gush at how cute she is.

Buy my pain is going to come when she grows up to look like her mother. I'm going to have to find a way to over look that if I am to cope with it.

I'm a bit saddest because I do look forward to meeting her, but I absolutely dread the emotions that are going to go with it :(. I think WS and I are going to need an army of support there when we do.

My dear friends. They are so many new ones of you here I am not sure were to begin. The best thing I can tell you is to make decisions that YOU can live with. Sometimes they may not be popular.

There is no right or wrong here. NC, C, joint custody, custody, they are all a personal decision. My journey with the OC situation is pretty much over. Last Tuesday, I gave custody of the twins to my husband and he already had custody of OC. On Thursday, my divorce was final after 24 years of marriage.

I did everything in my power to accept the OC, I even raised tehm for 5 years and treated them as my own, only to have my ex-h choose to go back to OW. At the time I made the right decision for my family. Each one of us is different. I thought I would be raising these OC until they are 18 so this was a total shock to my system.

I will tell you, you need to act as a united front no matter which way you decide to handle this. Hugs to you all, I will check back in and see how everyone is doing. One day at a time.

BMC - how totally devastating :( although my WS hasn't had a relationship with with OW it is a worry to me that once contact with the Cow starts he may decide that he can't bear to be away from Cow and decide to start relationship with OW. A bit irrational I know and he has never suggested this. My other worry is that OW will try and use Cow to somehow manipulate WS to doing what she wants him to do when she wants.

Good Morning everybody!

BMC I have followed your story and always appreciate your advice. I can't even imagine being with someone for as long as you were with your husband AND taking on the challenges you were willing to take on for him and your family just to go through what you have had to go through. Of course all things work out the way they are supposed to in the end, but that doesn't make it any less disappointing or sad. My heart goes out to you. You seem to be very strong.

tryingtoforgive3, I am always thankful that I at least don't have to worry about our children wondering about her existence or how they feel about her. I've already thought about our future children asking how mommy and daddy met and us telling them when and how we met and them doing the math and wondering how his daughter came into the picture. We've talked about this (because I'm sure that day will come if we have children, when they will be old enough to wonder). He says he will just be honest about it all. But I am glad that is not something I have to worry about right now, and my heart goes out to all those that do.

To both tryingtoforgive3 and MsSassy909 I can tell you that first meeting will definitely be hard. I know when we first saw her (she was 1 month old) I went there thinking I was good, I have been preparing myself for this day for the last 10 months... but I got there and was holding back the tears, and I left there and was a mess... It was harder than I thought it would be.

My So's daughter actually looks JUST like him, which I am thankful for. So glad that she doesn't look just like her mom. *sigh*

tryingtoforgive3 what you said about him being more proud about our children together, there is no doubt in my mind that he will be. And it will be an all around proud... from the very beginning, where as with with his daughter he was definitely NOT proud during the entire pregnancy, if anything he was embarrassed. I am just happy he and I could agree on him NOT taking part in any of the prebaby stuff so that at least we can have all of that be a first for both of us and dealing with a newborn will be a first for the both of us too...

*trying to be optimistic*

Here's to an awesome day for us all... (((everyone)))

I often ask myself "what did I do to get this life?" my H affair and OC were with the woman who I thought was my best friend. She watched my 2 sons for us (for years before affair ever happened) I trusted her with my kids. It all started in a very drunken night in MY house where me and our 2 sons were sleeping. After I found out there was a phone call between my H her and myself which I recorded, with her stating she doesn't want anything from us. Doesn't want anything to do with us. That what's best for everyone is if we all went our separate ways. Well that's not how it's going. She went through her nasty divorce and didn't get a dime from her ex so she is going after my H. Fine he does need to step up and take responsibility but so does she. Yes she has the child in her care at all times BUT she has moved in with another man who owns his own house. She wants $1000 a month in CS, that's taking money away from my 3 kids and the support calculated by my state only gives my children 1200 a month! This system is so screwed up. This woman is f***ing crazy. She was caught stealing my clothes and cash from me. She has "broken" into our house but denies it all. She still has all my clothes. Well now she is playing this stupid game of back and forth between the lawyers about what she wants. The judge already said she wasn't going to deviate from the CS form of 1300 a month plus adding him to our insurance. We are struggling financially so bad. Not to mention this judge doesn't care that there are 3 other young children involved other than OC. OC is almost 2. My children are 6.5 years 4.5 years and 10 months (got pregnant before found out about A, OW even threw me my baby shower ) we were getting so close to getting these papers signed so we can start moving on with our life but this whore keeps trying to step in. After her divorce started she actually had the nerve to ask my H if she could date his recently divorced brother! She is a freaking nut case. My H is tired of being walked all over and has said that he wants to go for full custody just to see what she does and to see if she will back down at all. I am terrified because if the OC becomes part of our life I am afraid our marriage will never heal and my children will be damaged by knowing that the baby they thought was her H and who they played with until he was 1 is really their sibling. How can I do that to my children? Just when I thought things were getting better we take 2 steps back. My H doesn't want child or even sees him as his own, just as a sperm donation cause this woman wanted a child, her H said absolutely not and she knew my H was fertile. The first night they slept together was the first night of the A and my H was so intoxicated he doesn't remember anything! Even did a lie detector test and he came out clean! She however can recite everything he did and said. She makes me so sick. How are people this freakin crazy!?! I hope things start to turn around, I feel I have hit rock bottom.

Masks - I know I will be quite a mess afterwards. Even during as well. I think however that if we look at this as a step WS & I do together as I know he will be but of a mess too. He will be elated but this is not how he imagined meeting his first child would be. Especially with the circumstances.

How have you all handled the OW. I don't know if I would be comfortable with WS having direct contact with her. He has no feelings for her but I do suspect she has feelings for him.

I guess we aren't going to know what happens until we get there.

MsSassy: We moved shortly after D-day and had to get new cell phones. So we only gave OW my cell number, not his so that they could speak but only with me around. It wasn't that I was worried about him wanting to talk to her, but she had proven in the week before that she didn't have the ability to control herself when it came to texting/calling him. She would contact him constantly when he was at work. He would tell me about them, but this put a stop to them very quickly.

MsSassy the OW communicated via my cell phone until after the paternity test was back. Then we (my SO and I) agreed to let her have his new cell phone number. IF I could go back and do it again, I would have kept the communication through me for a longer period of time... and/or we would have gotten a house phone and let all calls go through the house phone, but anyway, that is how we handled the OW.

My SO is a very nice guy and he would rather avoid conflict,(If I had to chose the one word to describe him it would be NICE... if I had to chose 2 words to describe him they would be TOO NICE) this has created many issues and is the reason why I would do things differently if I were given the chance. We are at a MUCH better place today, but it was hell getting here.

[This message edited by Masks at 1:05 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]

Hello everyone. Sorry I had to take a break. I swore to myself that I would enjoy this summer, and I did. We went on a fabulous vacation, a big mouse made me broke for the next few months and we really reconnected.

The cOW has kept her distance, only contacting once this summer to ask why the performance pay was so much less. Well, it's extra and sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's a little. Oh well. She tried to be "nice" asking in an email if my fwh wanted to know more about the OC, enclosed pictures (which he just deleted), and told him to enjoy his summer with his family. Wtf?! Remember, this chick is crazy so although it sounds "nice", she's fishing for info and twists our words around (and we have the documentation of this). Sad that there is 100% NC with the OC, but due to our circumstances it's what is safest for all.

I actually told my fwh that if I accept him I have to accept the OC. It's his decision to be NC and I support it. I will secretly say I'm relieved by it too to be honest. This woman has tried to make our lives a living hell so the less I have to deal with her, the better.

Just posting and running, letting everyone know I am ok. Sorry to see new members, but remember this is the best place for you to get info, support, and advise.