SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hired a lawyer and filed for D today. Paid the retainer, etc. etc. All systems GO moving forward, still sticking strong to my 180. I feel a nice sense of peace of mind at the moment, but know I still have a lot of hard work and tough days ahead of me. She should get served in about a week or so, at her work, by a uniformed police officer (I specially requested it for maximum embarrassment...I'm petty ok?)

That is wonderful news. I'm so very happy that you are implementing a plan to move out of this hell. You've got it in gear now keep your foot on that pedal!

You are doing great!

But as a warning, the tougher you are with her and the more you push for a D, the more "attractive" will be become to her. Don't be shocked in a month or so she goes fishing around wonder if she still has any control over you. If you tell her to GTFO there's a chance she'll try to win you back. Relationships from affairs have a very short life once they are exposed so odds are its not going to last long. When things go belly up you'll be the first person she calls as she probably sees you are a backup.

This has happened to me and I've seen it happen to many other people so keep it in mind if you see it yourself. Don't trust her, the minute you show interest in her she be right back with the OM again.

So very true.

Affairs flourish--even thrive--under the cloak darkness. The 'love" dwindles with exposure to the world.

Be prepared for a major "re-think" on her part.

When she does, just laugh.

Thanks all.

Today marks a week since the last time we communicated, the longest it's been since the affair. She has no knowledge I hired a lawyer and am having her served, nor do I intend to let her know. I think I've reached the "anger" phase...? Find myself more and more pissed off that she could be such an remorseless c***, things like that. Days are still rough, but only in fleeting moments as opposed to my previous posts. I removed her from my FB friends, etc. Still staying strong, appreciate the support.

Good. Use that anger to do things, to plow forward.

Also, note that it won't last. Not that early in the process.

Glad you're getting your mojo back!

Oh boy...

I checked my email this morning and my WW wife responded to me. She said she didn't want to involve lawyers (uh.. oops) and she outlined what seems like a pretty generous plan to handle our finances. I think by hiring the lawyer, I'm actually going to get less than what she proposed:

[My Name],

I did love you and I know you know that. I will always treasure our time and marriage together.

1. Our core bills, not counting debt or car insurance are $1,773. Half of that is $886.50.

2. Today I had to enroll for 2018 benefits. I enrolled with you as my spouse and you will continue to receive Medical, Dental and Vision benefits which I will pay 100% for. I assume they will mail you new cards to our apartment within the next two months.

3. As far as bills go, you will continue to collect the $1600 in rent directly to your account and pay for the mortgage with that. You should continue to take the rest of that money for your own use. For the other bills, I will turn off auto draft for the electric and transfer you half. I will also transfer you half of rent, renters insurance and half of your internet, phone, your life insurance and mattress firm which I estimate to be $857. I will continue to pay both of our car insurance.

4. I want half of the house and I don't want lawyers.

5. I will continue to pay approximately $50 a month for your medical, dental and vision costs - this is your cost alone, not myself included.

5. We have a shared debt of approximately $10,000. I will assume this if you agree to my right to 50% of the house.

I do not think we need lawyers. I have given everything to this marriage and I think you tried to do the same. I think the best course of action is to resolve this ourselves. If there is something additional I can do for you, you only need ask. What are your thoughts, or how do you feel about these things as I've outlined them? As I said, I don't want layers, I would just like to keep this between us.

I kind of feel like shit. Did I do the wrong thing? It's a little too late now to go back, but seriously guys I fkn hate her so much right now. What kind of fkn person can do this to someone they claim they loved? The bad feels are coming back...

What's to keep her from changing her mind at any point?

She's already lied to you and changed her mind about the vows she gave you when she married you.

"I have given EVERYTHING to this marriage and I think you TRIED to do the same"????

Sorry, but this statement made me laugh, and it would PISS ME OFF!!!!'

IMO move forward with your lawyer.

She is selfish and she feels guilty. So she is appeasing her guilt by buying you off.

It sounds like she is being more than fair and you probably can stop the process of serving her if you would like. Just call your lawyer. They are use to people changing their minds. I would use her guilt to get what you want out of the deal. She is vulnerable as long as she is feeling this guilt.

No, you don't do this to someone you love. She is selfish, self-centered and a true bitch. The only thing she really seems to love is herself, and even that isn't really love. Get what you can out of this, if its a better deal then take it, you deserve it. If you want something more, ask for it.

She has put you through hell many times over. Do what you need to do to get this over with and as much in your favor as you can. Then get yourself out of infidelity and on to a life that is yours.

Its interesting that she says she has given everything to the marriage, when what she really did was abandon the marriage for her own selfish reasons. She is pathetic.

Ask your lawyer the best way to proceed.

Do you agree with her proposal? If so maybe you can just have the lawyer draw up the agreement as outlined for her to sign. Can that be done without her being “served”.

I know it would feel good to have the big splash at her work, but maybe have that put on hold until you and the lawyer can decide the best course of action.

She obviously doesn’t appear to want you back at this point so do what you feel is right for you.

***As a member***

Did you believe her?

I will admit, I am cynical. My personal experience is very much coloring my response. But.....

I don't see how having a lawyer protecting your best interests is a bad thing. Sure, all of her promises sound great. Gosh, you would make out like a bandit.

If she's telling the truth.

Here's the thing, you are ending the marriage. Closing the contract would be a good analogy. Treat it as a business deal. Have a lawyer at least look it over. Some of the things she proposes may not be allowable or enforceable by the state. Then where would you be?

***As a guide***

We have some great members down in the Divorce forum who are more current on divorce laws as they stand today. Could I suggest you start a thread there and solicit advice from them as well?

I am sorry you're here brother.

Strength

Do not respond to her and have your lawyer send a response.

If you can do just one thing for your favorite anonymous internet buddy then do this for me. This is quite literally your future at stake here.

Probably not very helpful reply, but this got me by surprise:

I have given everything to this marriage and I think you tried to do the same

Wow. Just wow.

She is very unselfish person. Once she has given everything to your marriage, she moves onto the next, to give it everything too. Good luck.

No advice from me on the lawyers, but maybe you can still keep him to validate everything you "agree" with her?

I was thinking what DarkHole thought:

I have given everything to this marriage

If that is everything she doesn't have a lot to give.

I would run this by your lawyer and see. It seems generous on the face and they may tell you to take it and run with it. What is not addressed in the letter is if this is to Divorce or just to continue with some weird status quo. I assume it is a divorce proposal so you still have the mechanics of getting the actual paperwork filled out and filed. That sometimes is hard for the layperson so maybe if your attorney says this is a good deal then just tell her you should get a single attorney for the two of you to get this all done legally. That way you can get some use out of the retainer you paid already and get this done in a way that it can't be reversed.

I think by hiring the lawyer, I'm actually going to get less than what she proposed:

That's only if she wants to make the divorce contentious and drag things on, and on, and on. In my experience, I got more than I expected WITH an attorney and I went the mediation route. If your WW is like my XW and a lot of these walk away type WW your one big leverage is her wanting cash out of the M and quickly move on to start her own new beginning. That's the message I'm getting from reading your WW's email. She doesn't want to be tied down in a long and contentious divorce battle where funds are tied up and diverted to attorney fees, which is why SHE doesn't want to use lawyers.

My suggestion is to show your attorney that email from your WW, discuss if mediation is a possibility WITH attorneys present and what that cost would be. If that seems favorable to you then suggest it to your WW as well as her getting an attorney as well who handles mediation and go from there. Did your attorney tell you if your WW will be responsible for the cost of your representation as well? If so, that's another reason she doesn't want to use attorneys because your legal bills will cost HER.

I think your only response at this point is either none (because she is going to be served the petition anyway) or "let me think about it" if you have to respond at all. Then sit back and watch her "reaction" to getting served. It will tell you everything you need to know about where YOU are in her priorities. After you witness it I think you will glad you got an attorney anyway.

Go back and read your first post and tell me that you trust this woman?

Of course she doesn't want lawyers involved. If she doesn't want to lawyer up that's her choice. The reason why you lawyer up is he's there to PROTECT you......NOT HER!!!!

Run EVERYTHING by your attorney. If he says it's in your best interest (what's she offering) and it's legal, than he can draw up a contract to make it legal just in case she changes her mind down the line. Remember, this girl has shown you that she has no problem breaking a vow.

"I think the best course of action is to resolve this ourselves".

WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT THIS PRINCESS THINKS

"What are your thoughts"?

TALK TO MY ATTORNEY

"how do you feel"?

YOU DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN HOW I WOULD FEEL ABOUT FUCKING ANOTHER MAN WHILE MARRIED TO ME SO SHUT THE F UP ABOUT ACTING LIKE YOU CARE

"if there is something additional I can do for you you only need ask"

MAN IT SURE WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE YOU ASK ME THIS BEFORE YOU STARTING F'ING ANOTHER MAN WHILE MARRIED TO ME

Man, sometimes I wonder if we all want so badly to see some karmic justice, even if it's for someone else besides our own waywards, that we all just recommend the most painful way forward out of spite.

You have already accepted that the marriage is over, she wants out. That is clear. There is nothing to be gained by going straight to all out war with her if she is proposing a resolution that is favorable to you.

My advice is to email her that you already hired a lawyer and he filed for divorce for you. However, since what she is proposing seems fair, you will have him draft a settlement agreement stating the terms as she proposed them and get it over to her for her signature. After that, your lawyer can put the divorce through as an uncontested matter. She wouldn't have to file a response to the complaint and you will handle the fee (*or you can propose that you will pay the lawyer if she will reimburse you for half.)

The hardest part about getting divorced, aside from losing your marriage, is the property settlement agreement. If she is proposing an agreement that is favorable to you, then grab it and run. The only question I saw from her proposal was how long she will be making these payments.

Most everything she described except for the medical & dental benefits would most likely turn out that way in mediation thru lawyers. Might even be able to get a couple years of your WW paying your medical ins.

However 1 year down the road who knows what she will do. And It basically keeps you in her entourage as the best buddy XBS. She’s being nice cause she probably has already consulted a lawyer who told her she could be on the hook for a lot more & to see if she can get you to agree to what she is proposing.

Fuck her. Find a job that has medical plan and rid you self of the self entitled lying bitch.

Immediately talk to lawyer.

She doesn't want her and om to be embarrassed, particularly at work. The affair could jeopardize their jobs.

How much of your savings did you use to get the house? Now she wants half, a portion of which she'll use to provide you with 'benefits'?

If it were me, I'd shoot for the entire house AND other major concessions .LOL.

Edited.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 12:08 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]

Definitely run that by an attorney. Regarding her enrolling you as her spouse, and when the divorce is final, she will be effectively deceiving her company. That might have consequences.

So, you need to check if her company allows coverage of ex spouses. Some do, some don't.