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I've been reading on here that a lot of women either have the blessing (if that's how you want to look at it) of NC with OW/OC. I think that would be nice never to hear from cOW. But then there are others that have contact but the cOW is far away.

My WS ex(cOW) is in contact almost daily. They switch off almost every other day. So EVERY Saturday and Sunday I have to look at her face.

This is not helping our R at all. This is a woman he was with before we met, they had a kid, it didn't work out so they broke up. Then he got with me and he was still sexting with her so she "wouldn't take custody away" he was "placating" her.

So, I do care for the OC very much. I have a D and WS has a D, I knew this going into it. But now having to see cOW face every weekend is driving me insane. Year out from DDay and it doesn't feel like it's getting better at all. I keep asking if they can do every other weekends, then we would hardly ever have to see her except at OC events. But he doesn't want to do it because he wants his D every weekend. Although with what I proposed he would have more time with his D.

I really just don't know how long I'm going to be able to deal with cOW. She is such an idiot. I can easily see that she is swaying her D to think that Mommy and Daddy should be together and it's so sad that they aren't. So OC has a hard time with me sometimes. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!

Then WS tries to say that cOW would never do something like that to their D. Never put her through that. I said yeah right, she hates me, she would do anything. He doesn't believe it though.

I'm just really getting tired of looking at her face.

How long have others on here had to deal with the cOW?

I just keep thinking ok, OC will be driving in about a decade, couple years after that she'll be 18. Can I deal with this Bullsh*t for that long?

I'm having a hard time of thinking I can except to piss off cOW, I think she hates being around me more than I hate her because he wouldn't go back to her.

Oh and she lives 10 minutes away. Can we say Yay?

[This message edited by hopefulfutur at 1:32 PM, September 21st (Friday)]

Unfortunately NC isn't really "true" NC because the cOW does still contact us for more money (surprise surprise), to harass us, etc. My fwh tried to get an official NC order, but was told since they "have a child together", C is going to have to happen. That they need to be able to communicate. Whatever, she's impossible to deal with because she lies all the time, she has made false allegations of us threatening her and the OC...so we stay as far away as possible. She tries to make herself relevant every few months by trying to contact my fwh, almost to remind us she hasn't fallen off the face of the planet. Her latest attempt was to try and start up a conversation, but we kept it business and that ticked her off. I just look forward to the day that she legally has zero reason to contact us (when the OC hits 18)!

The cOW has already started parental alienation and mindwashing since the OC was an infant, and I feel so bad for him because of that. They live about an hour away, so no real chance of bumping into them (I actually don't know what they look like, have only seen a partial pix of the cOW and no pix of the OC).

(((hopefulfutur))) it sucks either way unfortunately. Sorry you have to see the cOW so frequently. I know that would drive me batty, because I would be so tempted to call her out on her shit! IF there is any future C with the OC I will be present, so I know I will have to come to that cross road sometime in the future.

(((to us all)))

DNA testing came back. OC is WS. We kinda new from the txt OW sent WS telling him that results were in a day before they came in the mail.

Anyway, WS and I have been fighting over a different issue so tonight while he is at work I am left to deal with both issues :(

I'm feeling quite gutted even though I had strong knowing that child was his. But now its confirmed 99% his and reading those words in the letter are stuck in my mind.

I have made leaps and bounds in acceptence during the last few weeks (thanks to reading The Power of Now). But I have been letting my thinking and emotions get in the way lately since our latest dummy spit.

Since WS found out about the pregnancy he started smoking that legal pot you can now buy. Intially it was just a 'trial' but gradually it became more of a habit, then an addiction and than a full-blown must have it addiction.

It all came to a head about a two weeks ago where I gave him the ultimatum to give it up and deal with whats happeningg or I leave.

We went through about 5 days of withdrawals, bad moods, crankiness etc. I was happy to go through that cause I knew it was worth it.

We WS received the txt from OW about results. He asked if he could have just one, silly me caved. He got a tiny amount of the legal pot from a mate. He had a little and gave the rest to me to hide or do with what I like.

I offered him a little trust and just put it in my bed side draw.

Next morning comes around and he I notice he had another one. I ask him about he says he saved it from the night before. I thought fair enough. That possible and didn't think twice.

I notice through out the day he continually looks stoned. I straight out ask him, he denies. I click and then tell him to tell me where it is. He doesn't say anything. I find it a few moments later grab it, the smoking device. I then go and look for the stuff in my draw....its missing (suprise, suprise). I storm out the house drive off out of town and through it all out the car window.

I sent him a very angry text. I was sooo annoyed at him. Not so much for the smoking, but for the lying and decieving me 'again'.

I've just had enough of his excuses, his lies and his bullcrap.

I am grateful the OW in my story signed over her rights when we called her bluff and took her to court for neglect and full custody. Sad to say I knew when it came to having HER pay us for the OC she wouldn't want to she would rather give her up. I am happy though I never have to see the home wrecker again.

Island- you're lucky, in whatever way you want to look at that. An hour away, would be nice. I just keep questioning over and over, can I do this for another decade? I want to think I can but I'm really not so sure. But I really don't want to give her the pleasure of knowing we didn't work out. Sad but true.

Sassy- sorry there is the child. And very sorry about the drugs. I have had to deal with that for awhile with my WB, and it's awful knowing that there are more lies. It all boils down to the lies and not being able to trust. That's an awful feeling.

So, OC has something to go to and I can't be there. Guess who will be? cOW and WB. I am so sick to my stomach. WB and I have been doing so well, and this is just a huge trigger for me. I truly have no doubt that he will keep his distance from her, BUT I HATE IT!!!

How am I supposed to cope with this one?

hopefulfutur...one thing I know for sure about an OC situation...if you and your spouse are not a very tight team in this...if the OW is tiptoed around and placated...your relationship does not stand a chance.

hopefulfutur, in your post you said:

This is a woman he was with before we met, they had a kid, it didn't work out so they broke up. Then he got with me

Was the child you are calling an OC born before you met your WB? If so, she is not an OC. She is a stepchild, regardless of the mother's status as an Xgf or an OW.

Please don't judge me on typos today, typing on a tablet is not my best talent!

I have been gone from this forum for awhile, due to lack of internet and just not wanting to deal with our sitch. I have lurked when I could, however. All of you are very close to my heart, and I pray everyday for peace for all of us.

So H and I have actually been doing very well. He has held up his side of the "bargain" wholeheartedly. He has been open, honest, and willing to change past behaviors. In many wonderful ways our core relationship and marriage is stronger and closer than ever. I am thankful for this, for being able to trust him again. I no longer fear that he will meet another woman, I no longer obsessively check records/texts etc. In regards to his fidelity, I am finally feeling some small sense of peace. Of course, I still have my freakouts. Random numbers still scare me, him being anywhere near facebook scares me. He joined a new gym (at my urging!) and I was worried for weeks. But all in all, really have made great strides.

However... the OC. Oh God, where do I even begin?! I tried so hard to keep it together. I was nice and understanding when dealing with OW, even when I wanted to pounce. I did my BEST to show her how a grown woman acts and deals with problems. I loved that little girl as much as my broken heart allowed. I paid for and planned her first birthday. I convinced H to try to give a shit, even though he still doesn't. I wanted to at least try to incorporate this poor little girl into our family, because I felt she deserved at least that. I sat down with H and OW ans mapped out a parenting/custody plan so that court issues could be easily resolved. Before child support was even ordered, I made sure OUT OF MY OWN WAGES that OC had everything she needed. I really tried my fucking best.

Then shit went sour. OW always had an attitude with me. She lied about everything, big and small. She was smoking IN THE HOUSE with that little asthmatic baby with no ventilation. I caught her red handed. The overflowing ash tray right nest to OCs sippy. :( Diaper rashes every time she came to visit. In clothing easily 3 sizes too small, to the point of cutting off circulation. Huge gashes, bruises that OW couldn't explain. She was caught selling her WIC formula on facebook and was giving OC 2% cows milk, starting at 7 mos old. When we discovered this I was LIVID. Lying about ber address and living with her newest boyfriend living off of his income so that she could receive all the govt assistance she could. Lied to us about receiving state money for OC and was taking our money too. Child support caseworker didn't even catch it until we brought it to her attention.

All of these things were documented and reported accordingly. Nothing was done. Nothing. Not even a slap on the hand. Its like no one in that county cares about anything but making sure daddy pays up.

OW doesnt work, hasn't in years, is not responsible for any bills in ber household, gets almost $300 a month from us (which is a large portion of our income right now. I was laid off, and H is only making $9.50 an hour right now...) bitches and moans about having no money BUT smokes a pack a day and drinks expensive liquor. (These things were admitted on her facebook which she does not know I can access). Hmm, wonder where the money for that comes from?!

We have not seen OC since valentine's day of this year. We had a court date (she brought her BFF and laughed and gossiped loud enough for the whole courtroom to hear...). Afterward I wanted to give OC a valentine Teddy and take her for ice cream. She would not allow us to take her anywhere (which was out of the blue. She had never cared before). So we sat in our car, ignition turned off, and spent a little time with OC. our children were with my parents, thank God. Anyway, OWand a posse of four or five of her trash friends plus their kids PLUS her older autistic child decided to stand about 5 feet away talking meanly about H and I. I decided to ignore, rolled up the windows and try to enjoy what ti.e we had with OC. So OW sidles her fat asst up ON OUR WINDOW touching our car with ber ASS facing my face. Seriously?! I lost my cool. I rolled down the window (first mistake?) And asked ifshe had a problem.. I remained calm. She however began cussing, screaming, calling names. Saying that she was HER daughter. Etc etc. I said, sorry, the minute you went after CS and we proved paternity with a Dna test,you GAVE UPhaving all the rights to your daughter. H is her father and deserves time and to be involved. She called me ugly names, said I had nothing to do with the sitch, was just his wife (said with a sneer). So I said, Honey you have got another thing coming! At this point she grabbedher nasty arms thru the barely half opened car window. Grabbed OC before I e en realized what was going on. And pulled her thru the barely opened window!!! Screaming obscenities for no reason. Oh but she also made sure to pull out the nice Teddy bear along with OC.

Got cut off... so that was the last time we saw OC. OW changed her number, and left the immature gossip and stalking to her sister and friends. We moved recently to the next town over... and I only keep tabs on OC thru facebook. :( it is killing me... guilt, regret.. maybe I didn't try hard enough? What will she think whenn she is oped? What is her "mother" telling her? What do I tell my kids? My 3 year old still talks about OC, e en though she didn't know the whole sitch.

I just feel so terrible and confused about NC. I feel as though we don't haven a choice.

WS and I had our first meeting with OC today and it went very well. Alot better than I had anticipated anyway.

WS was incredibly emotional though. However once I seen him getting upset I seemed to just harden up and take it really well.

Seeing the OW honestly made me realise that I have nothing to be concerned about.

It really is a huge relief that we've got through this bitt. It seems like we have made it through the worst bit.

OC was beautiful and I can't wait till she's older and more interactive. I hope that we can have a good relationship with her without any drama *fingers crossed

Withering Rose - I am so sorry you have to go through that mess with the OW. She sounds horrible.

MsSassy - so glad your meeting with the OC went well.

My husband and I went to our 2nd session of MC last evening. What struck me as my WS was talking was how the OW seems to be trying to make him feel guilty since he has not seen the OC yet. Her having said to him, "oh dont worry, I will let your son know why you were not around the first 2 months of his life". Really you whore - you are going to also let your child know how the fuck he was conceived. On FB she posted up a pic of her and the child and one of the child with a onsie on that said "my mom rocks" It should read "my mom is a whore." Sorry had to vent that one, better me to say it here then send her a message.

She also made mention how I (his wife) should have no say about their child. Really bitch, if we do stay married I am going to be part of his life whether she likes it or not.

I was pissed last evening thinking about all this, but this morning - I came to the realization - why am I so surprised that this would come out of her mouth. She is pathetic and still wants my husband. Of course she is going to say and play games using the child as a pawn. She tells him "You can come over at anytime to see your son" Makes me want to puke cause to me all I am hearing is "come over so we can fuck."

My husband feels guilt since he has not given any CS yet -and she does mention to him about CS. First off, I still do all the finances so if any money is going to go to the OC I will know. I feel not that the OC does not deserve support, but let her go the fuck to court and file for it. Bullshit if he is just going to hand her over money with no court order.

Not only are we doing MC but also going to start IC. After last evening the counselor felt we both had issues do deal with first. I love my husband very much but still not sure if I am strong enough or in all honesty - if I want to deal with all this. He is trying but he still has a lot of work to do. Trust - not sure if that will ever come back.

[This message edited by livelaughlove at 12:23 PM, October 4th (Thursday)]

Well, WH picked up OC this past weekend and OC is supposed to stay with us for the next 3 months. Funny thing is, I'm OK with it. He is a sweet little boy, easy to take care of. The problem that I have now, is that WH and OW are still in touch. She calls him or sends him a text message to see how her baby is doing, or asks for a picture. I'm the one who is at home with him most of the time. WTF won't she contact me and ask me for a picture? I think she's using the baby as a pawn to continue having contact with my WH.

The problem that I have now, is that WH and OW are still in touch. She calls him or sends him a text message to see how her baby is doing, or asks for a picture. I'm the one who is at home with him most of the time. WTF won't she contact me and ask me for a picture? I think she's using the baby as a pawn to continue having contact with my WH

horaliar: She is definitely using the child as a pawn to have contact with your husband. I just made this same statement in an earlier post today. I feel the OW is doing the same thing with my husband.

I can see the OW in my situation sending him texts/ calls/pics all the time just to be in contact (I know she still wants my husband and is still hoping he will move her and the OC in with him to take her away from her mommy's house). We are currently separated at this time so a bit hard to monitor his phone. And these sick OW really think that the wife should have no say in regards to this child. So of course she is not going to contact you. I would send her a pic of the baby from your phone and tell her he is doing just fine.

I agree that she is using that child as a pawn for continued communication. :( what about changing your husbands phone number, and keeping contact with OW only thru your phone? Until we went 100% NC OW still tried to cut me out.

I checked OWs facebook today and instantly wished I hadnt. She has OC in a ratty old torn up carseat (not the nice one we purchased that would have worked until at least age 3) that poor OC barely even fits in. And the straps were literally hanging off of OCs shoulders. If they had gotten in (yet another) wreck, OC would be ejected from her seat. It made me ABSOLUTELY LIVID because ow doesn't even care about her own child's safety. I should've already known... considering the smoking inside a small dirty apartment with the poor baby, who has severe asthma. Sigh. I wish CPS gave a shit.

[This message edited by WitheringRose at 7:37 PM, October 5th (Friday)]

Meant to add... I am feeling more bitter than usual lately. Husband bitched me out yesterday over having to pay a whole $35 to get me a much needed prescription. And I blew a fucking gasket. How DARE YOU bitch about having to help ME YOUR WIFE every fucking blue moon when you MADE A GODDAMN CHILD WITH SOME WHORE and all of our damn money goes to HER.

(((WR))) My fwh pissed me off the other day because he got mad that I was paying a little more for something. Umm....we would be SO much better off financially if the cOW didn't get bred.

I have been so busy, sorry I haven't been on lately. Work is very stressful! At least the cOW has learned her lesson and has stayed in her lane.

I'm a little worried because my fwh found out he will be done paying the arrears (for the newbies...we had arrears build up while we were waiting for paternity, the judge ordered my fwh to pay an additional amount on top of the CS to pay it off). We know the cOW is going to put up a huge fight because she wanted the regular CS to be WAY more than the CS plus arrears that were ordered. It's bad enough she lied in calculating the arrears (by about $1400) and the courts let it slide. But my fwh is going to have to go to court and file to have the arrears taken off of the CS very soon so he's not stuck overpaying. He has to act quick; he won't get money back if he waits until they are fully paid off and then files. We were told by the lawyer that it takes about 1-2 months to get a court date, so file early, and depending on how much is left for the arrears, show up at court with a money order for the remainder to present right there, so the judge can remove the additional arrears garnishment from his job. We know the cOW is going to fight it because she wanted even more money, and now she will be losing about $250 a month. But he's paid off the arrears, there's nothing she can do because remod isn't due until the end of next year. We know she is going to push for a remod or ask that the amount stays the same because she won't be able to live (according to her even with the amount she gets, it's barely enough to "put a roof over their heads". She expected the CS to cover ALL of her expenses and then some!). She has already tried to get a remod, based on ADDING my income! HA the judge shot that down with the quickness because according to our guidelines, my income is NOT included (but is included when the hypothetical amount my fwh would pay to me for CS for our COM--our state allows for that even with my youngest being younger than the OC because the OC's paternity was found out AFTER my youngest was born. Perfect timing!) Our lawyer had mentioned before that there is no way the judge will keep the higher amount because once the arrears are paid off, they are paid off. Then it goes back to the original order. And the CS office can't do anything even if he shows a 0 arrears balance until they go back to court. And a remod can't be done unless it's been at least 3 years from the last court order, according to the guidelines.

I swear I know too much about this crap.

Oh and the cOW had offered my fwh visitation under the condition it was at HER house, ALONE. HA!!! Never in a cold day in hell over my body! Besides, my fwh doesn't trust her because she has already lied to the courts about us supposeably threatening and making fun of her (kinda hard to do when you are NC...) and we know she would cry foul just to be difficult. So not even setting ourselves up. It's why the OC will not be allowed in my home. We had a close friend go thru almost $100K in court costs, almost lost their career, reputation, and everything based on a lie that was fed to the child by the other parent.

She has specifically stated (not to my face though) that the OC is THEIR child ( ) and therefore I have no say or nothing to do with anything. Hello...I've been with the man for 2 decades. I'm a permanent fixture, practically a body part at this point, unless I'm surgically removed I'm here to stay, and if the OC ever comes in MY HOME, and wants to meet MY kids, she better get used to me real fast. Not to mention the OC is on MY health insurance and she has to write MY name on the records as the person who is the insurance holder! When she dealt with my fwh, she was dealing with a package deal whether she likes it or not. Oh well, not about her.

(((to us all))) This is hard for everyone. Our situations are so similar yet so unique. I'm glad we can all be here for each other, to lean on to get thru this as best as possible.

Island, it is so crazy to me how involved the courts are in CS where you live. Here, for the most part, the child support department decides the child support, period. Courts are for custody/family law and completely separate. If they have a child support hearing (if one disagrees with calculations made by the state) it is over the phone, not in person.

When FWH's arrears were paid, they dropped off automatically. Not even a phone call was needed.

Also, our DD is figured in the calculations first, even though she was born 1 year after OC (I was pregnant when we got the devastating paternity results).

All states need to be the same when it comes to this. Preferably like my state, not yours. So sorry you have to deal with SO. MUCH. CRAP.

Island, it is so crazy to me how involved the courts are in CS where you live. Here, for the most part, the child support department decides the child support, period. Courts are for custody/family law and completely separate. If they have a child support hearing (if one disagrees with calculations made by the state) it is over the phone, not in person.

When FWH's arrears were paid, they dropped off automatically. Not even a phone call was needed.

Also, our DD is figured in the calculations first, even though she was born 1 year after OC (I was pregnant when we got the devastating paternity results).

All states need to be the same when it comes to this. Preferably like my state, not yours. So sorry you have to deal with SO. MUCH. CRAP.

The state I live in is ass backwards about everything, and they make it incredibly difficult for the NCP. The old guidelines were 1000 times worse! I wish we could just do everything thru the CS office, although they actually work for the CP althought they claim to "help" the NCP. My fwh has received zero help from them, just gets demand letters for him to pay the arrears all up fron in full! They will actually send HER a reminder when a remod should be filed! And that if she needs any help filing, they will file for her. Yet when my fwh asked about the arrears, they told him he needs to retain a lawyer and do it all himself. They didn't even tell him about the lag time, he found out that from the lawyer. The only thing they "warned" him about is that if the arrears get to zero, without a court order they have to continue the garnishment with the arrears. We know the cOW was pissed to get the arrears back in pieces, she wanted it as 1 big lump sum.

Trust me we wish everything could be by phone, he doesn't want to see her ugly mug and she brings the OC to court with her when she's been told repeatedly not to. She claims she has no $ for childcare, which is bull. she brought the kid to the harassment suit my fwh filed on her! Wtf?!

It pissed the cOW off big time our COM were counted...the old guidelines were whoever filed first got first and the most. She hated the fact our youngest was counted and tried several times to have her not counted. Filed a motion to reconsider and everything! She hated the fact we had moved on with our lives and had another child. She didn't even want my oldest to count because I work and make enough $ to provide for him (according to her warped logic). Nevermind my fwh has to also help support our COM.

Hoping we can file this and it happens in january, so we don't ruin our holidays!