SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm glad I ran across this thread. It gives me hope to see I'm not the only one in this type of situation, but sad at the same time to see so many others having to go through it. My WH will be taking a paternity test here in a couple weeks, but I already know what the results will be.

We have decided to have NC with the ow/oc, and although we have made this perfectly clear to OW, she just won't go away! She shows up at my H work and sends me texts (we had my H # changed after day). I don't object to child support, but she can go through the courts (and my lawyer) to get it!

It's hard enough trying to reconcile without her constantly shoving the A back in my face.

Hi SA

I'm sorry you are here. The OW are like a bad fungus that just won't go away. After OC was born OW called him and harassed him about getting medical for OC. It was a daily call to bitch about it. I told WH he didn't need to do anything until the courts told him to but she kept calling because it gave her a reason to try and talk to him. Funny thing is I put OC on my insurance even before it was court ordered and the whore won't take her in for check ups or shots. OC is ALWAYS sick.

So now she calls and bitches at him to pay for Dr bills from before the parenting plan went into affect. She signed off that he didn't need to pay her back support and when she did that it clears all medical bills too lol.

Good luck you may have to send her a letter stating all contact is to go through your attorney.

Thx, for ur response. I know that no matter how much I want her to, she isn't going to just disapear. Maybe she will just eventually get tired of being ignored and realize its not getting her anywhere.

I think that's what happened in our case. She saw we weren't going to respond, and the icing was when my fwh took HER to court for harassment. Although the judge told him that because of the OC he couldn't really order NC. I think she got the hint then, because the harassment did subside. Either she got pg again from some other random person she met online, she got the hint, or she's stone out of her mind--either way she's not bothering us. Take it as a relief when they decide to go away.

The cOW in my sitch went as far as contact MY job in regards to the insurance, benefits, etc. Luckily they refused to talk to her (told her since she's not an employee and i am, everything has to go thru us...and then they promptly called me. My file is flagged so if she were to ever call again, I get notified so i can tell the attorney). These OW think that once they have the OC they have some type of "power". It's important to remind them that they actually do not hold all the cards--in fact they only hold what they can control and what is about them, which in the grand scheme of things is not much. Pretty much none when it comes to OUR families. The cOW tried to take me to court because I ADDED the OC to my dental insurance--since I was changing plans it was automatic. She bitched to the courts about it, and they told her to pretty much shut up and be grateful we are covering that too.

I can say that ignoring them drives them crazy, and in our case we just kept on ignorning, not engaging (even when we knew it was her signing me up for random websites), and so far so good!

OW have birth to OC two nights ago. We saw the baby last night in the hospital. Pretty awkward but I did a good job holding myself together. I think WH is having a harder time with it right now but I'm sure it will sink in for me soon.

Paperwork for the paternity test will be finished this week. Honestly, I'm just ready to get this all over with. It's hard being in limbo so long. I want to get all the custody stuff done and start trying to adjust to the new routine (if it is his). I really don't mind the OC as much as I mind the time it will take away from our family until we can start bring OC to our house which I assume will be months.

(((Bluestar2)))

I am so sorry. I remember the day OC was born. A huge part of me died that day. I can honestly say it was the worst day I have experienced.

I am glad you are able to be strong. I will keep my fingers crossed the test comes back in your favor.

Take care of yourself.

Hi all I just wanted to stop in and say hello.

I don't come on here really at all anymore since I am divorced and gave custody of the OC to my ex-h and OW. But I do think all of you new and old members going thru this.

I am glad that Islandwhine is here to offer you some support and guidance. I still have court ordered visitation with the OC and am extremely glad that the judge and my ex realized that they need me in their lives still.

For all of you that continue to go thru this, all I can say is you have to do what is right for you. It may not be popular, but you are the one who has to live with the decisions. Take the power back and put yourself and your children first. Whether you have C, NC, partial custody, full custody, this is always going to be a hard pill to swallow, but you can heal from it.

Even though the OW now lives with my ex-h and is helping to raise her own children, I treat her as if she doesn't exist. When OC are with me, that is my time. My 21yr old goes to get them for visitation so I don't have to see OW. But I let her know, my gift to her was I let her live. I let her live her sad pathetic life. Enjoy the gift and stay out of mine.

Hugs to all and I hope you find some peace and happiness again in the future.

The OC is now 10 days old and we have seen him 6 times at OW house. My WH mom, dad, and stepmom have all met the OC. Bringing them has been the most difficult part for me. I don't like her having access to other parts of my life but I realize this is temporary and that she will never have a real relationship or deep connection with them like I do.

We still haven't done the paternity test yet as we are waiting on paperwork but as far as we are concerned the OC is my husbands. We have not talked with OW about the past or the future yet, just about visitation by the week right now. I think I'm going to be fine with the OC but I have no desire to hang out with OW so I can't wait for the OC to get older.

I'm still not sure how many of you are in a situation similar to mine where you are having to spend time with OW. I guess just know that I am here for you if you are. It hasn't been an easy thing to do but I know that she doesn't matter anymore and she never really did. She just reminds my husband of the most miserable point in his life.

Bluestar - I am in a very similar situation as u. And honestly it is a very emotional roller coaster. I have good days, but then I have bad days like today where it is all too much.

In our situation the OW was good to start with and then she turned nasty and especially so towards me.

Have the inlaws involved has also been a touchy topic for me. As now MIL has a relationship with the OW (for the sake of the child) but that has put a strain on our relationship as at time I feel like the whole process has MIL taking sides in particular situations. It seems that OW tries to undermine me and WS to MIL. And MIL can be pretty gullible at times.

These are tragic circumstances to deal with and for me right now. It is becoming too much.

I don't predict that for u. I'm just giving my experience xx

MsSassy909- thanks for sharing you story with me.

The OW has been pretty reasonable about everything so far. She was a mutual friend of ours and my MIL actually had a relationship with her prior to the affair coming out. My MIL doesn't really like her but will be nice to her for the baby.

It seems like things will go smoothly if they continue this way but I won't count on it. The OW was pretty good at pretending to be my friend for quite some time and has at no point owned up to her part in anything so I don't trust her one bit. I will hope for the best but be prepared either way.

Just wanted to drop in and say hi!

Also, just wanted to remind everyone that our decisions are just that...OUR decisions. NC, C, in-between, adoption, etc. our situations are all unique and we have to do what works out best for our families. Yes, people may not always agree with our decisions, but they do not live our lives and they do not walk in our shoes. All the above are difficult, and I know we support each other no matter the decision.

(((to us all)))

I do not post often but I do follow.

I just want to say how incredible all of you are for the extremely tough decisions you have made for what's best for you and your family!

I know I have taken your advice even though not geared towards me and helped me find what's true in my heart that's best for my children.

So thank you and ((((hugs))))) to us all.

Hello everyone, haven't posted in a while. Well, WH went and picked up OC for a second visit, while OW went to one of her Amway conventions. OC was sick, had a pretty bad cold and even had puss coming out of his ear. OW excuse for not taking him to the doctor is that her car is broken. Even though she has plenty of family nearby that would give her a ride, even cheap cabs where she lives, she decided not to. WH is trying to keep things calm with her for the moment because the paternity documents are not in order. He doesn't know what he will do. Meanwhile, my DD and I are caught in the middle. For those who decided to have C, how do you deal having WH communicate with OW? I tried having C with her last time OC was here, but I couldn't bare it. Good luck to you all, this is a long hard journey we have ahead of us...

(((horaliar))) NC isn't really "true" NC, and the few times where my fwh had contact it had to be with me present, or in the case of them going to court, with the lawyer present. Even responding to texts and emails was with me right there, and all those were then printed out and filed away.

I had to talk to her once about the health insurance (she got scared and hung up on me!), and I kept it very business. The written correspondence I sent was very business and dry. It was a grin-and-bear it type thing, like knowing you need to get a tooth pulled and waiting for the novacaine to kick in. I would say that if you guys are C, sit down and really have a good, long discussion of what you both want. Don't let her get to you, remember try to think indifference vs. pain and anger.

---------------

I DID get some good news today! My fwh talked with his caseworker, and the arrears are actually much closer to getting paid off than we thought! 2 1/2 months and then that's it! The good news? He doesn't have to go to court to request the arrears charge to be removed from the account, the child support office WILL do it for him! Everything we had read was OLD and outdated! And there is no chance of overpayment--although there will be a delay for his job to receive the letter from child support to drop the additional $ a week arrears payment, any overpayment will just sit in the account and will NOT go to the cOW! We know she will flip because she's about to lose over $200 a month, but oh well he has paid the arrears--he actually paid more because she lied about the amount by over $1000. So that's good news because that's money in back in our household, and she can't request a modification until next year! He has a new case worker who was actually very helpful, unlike his old one who was obviously anti-NCP! So that's a huge relief, and almost a "win", because we had adjusted to living with what he was paying, and now we will have extra money. Plus I was so worried about overpayment and waiting on a court date. He promised me a nice dinner in the first month he doesn't have to pay the arrears!

@islandwahine....woohoo for you guys. I remember paying our backsupport it seemed never ending. At least your state doesn't give the OW the overpayment. In our previous state they gave all to the OW they didn't let any money sit in the account. So we paid 600 a month (without arrears) w/ it was 800. Well we came into money one month so decided to pay her off so paid the AG 2,000 and they sent that to her plus my husband had gotten a 2nd job so they where taking full CS out of both checks. So they sent her an additional 1600 dollars that month. Good thing is our account showed we were overpaid but nothing made me more mad then knowing she had our money especially money that wasn't owed to her. Ugh they make me sick all they care about is the money I swear.

Nothing new here with me same ole same ole since I adopted OC. But I do still get angry she chose to have the OC yet when times got tough I am the one stuck raising the child. Seems these women are very self centered.

Glad to hear, IslandWahine, it is always a plus when the "system" is fair; neither geared toward the CP or NCP. We had overpaid by a week when my FWH paid in person (to the CS office) while awating the money to be directly withdrawn from his check when they had already begun the automatic withdrawal. I resolved to just let that money go, and was surprised when my husband got a check in the mail at the end of the year to ballance the account. Little things like this help to restore some faith in equity when things seem so skewed towrds the OW/CP.

IW, THIS IS AWESOME!!!! Dreaming of the day I can say this too!

We have NC and the OW has a new fiancé so the harassment is really not there. Even in the paternity decree the judge stated and signed off there is to be NO CONTACT by either party to either party or their families but she had been bugging my H lawyer so much I kind of feel bad for the lawyer but then again that's what she's getting paid for.

Hope everyone is doing well.

The cOW bugging our lawyer cost us a pretty penny, but at least our new lawyer has a strong bite and she had to put her in her place several times! But honestly? Although I hate paying the lawyer, she has been a rock star, amazing, and she's worth every penny.

We just feel a little more hopeful now, because I watched the courts throw the book at my fwh and to have a small "victory" to help us get money back in our household helps me feel it's not so 1-sided.

Congrats IW. Keep positive. Being a good person will pay off in the end. Hugs to all of us living in this hell

[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 9:21 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)]

OC is over a month old now. We have continued to see him 4 times a week since birth. He was over at our house for about 4 hours this weekend. My WH is going to do his part of the paternity testing today and the OW will take the OC in later this week. I'm glad this is finally getting done but I also am scared about paternity being confirmed. We are pretty sure that it is my WH's but confirming it will make it permanent. OW has been cooperative and is acting like this is all perfectly normal.

We are also taking Easter pics of our daughter this coming weekend and plan to include the OC. We figure we can always delete pictures and if it is my WH's we want him to be included in the family the best we can.

I hope everyone else is doing well.