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First basketball game tonight. Scrimmage in fact. But I assume my stbxw, OM, and OBS and stbxmil will all be there in attendance. I know that they don't control my actions.... but.... it is certainly a strange circumstance to live in.

My job is to coach the team which includes my son and the son of the OM. But the whole situation is an uncomfortable place for me.

No movement from stbxw on paying the outstanding expenses. My lawyer contacted me yesterday and advised the other side has not responded to our settlement offer. So we are still waiting.

How did it go?

It has to be hard to coach the OM's son, but he needs an ethical role model in his life. Just be the best coach you can be and treat him like everyone else.

I think I mentioned that I taught OW's daughter for years in an extracurricular activity. I, of course, had no idea that one day her mom would screw around with my H. BUT, I can hold on to the fact that I was a great role model to her in the years she was with me. I listened to her. I did every thing I could to give her confidence when she suffered from a lack of it. I KNOW I made a difference in that girl's life and she will remember me for it.

It would have been incredibly difficult to do all that AFTER I knew of the affair. My hat is off to you in that case. It is shi++y for the OM and OBS to put you in this situation. I think a lot of people are just watching for you to treat him differently than the other boys. You have the opportunity to show your community what a class act you are. You also have the chance to reinforce to your own son how to handle life with dignity and grace.

I would still blow everything up with the school board about the sex on campus between OM and your exWW. You may want to finish your season first.

Ugg, this is so ridiculous and unfair. To you, your son, OBS's son...

Stay strong. Keep being the good person you've proven yourself to be. Your son is so lucky to have you for a role model.

First game was cancelled the other coach was in the hospital. So we made it until today.

First real game, stbxw didn't attend. "She had a meeting." Obs was there but the OM did not attend. We got our tails kicked. I didn't start the OM's son. The kid didn't earn it and asked me not to start. He played as the 6th man and had a good game.

Funny that kids are with her this week. So I picked my DS up and took him to the game. Surprisingly, my DD went with us as well. She didn't have to go but didn't want to stay there. DD also made a point to set with my stbxmil for a few minutes, nobody else set anywhere near her. DD told us on the way home that stbxmil cried when she set there beside her. My DD didn't have to do that, she was a basketball player for the school last year and got to see the girls who played with her play. She sat with all of them for most of the game.

Hey mblink, just checking in. How are things going with you? How are your kids?

I'll list an update in the next day or so. Hard to do on my phone.

Hope that you are doing OK blink.

You and he kids have a Merry Christmas!!!

No agreement this year, I now have a court date in February. Just can't believe it is going to drag out another month and a half. I found this out late last week in an email from my attorney. Trying to get the thing settled this year, my stbxw has stopped communicating with her attorney. So no agreement.

We have settled into the week on week of routine, I hate it. Luckily, we have basketball and homework nights. Speaking of basketball... stbxw has not shown up for any of the 7 games so far. It is taking a toll on my DS, he brought it up and feels that she just doesn't care. By the way, the OM, whose son plays for me as well, has not shown up for any games either. Obs shows up but just ignores me and my children.

Some people tell me that the A is still going on. He still lives at home with his family. I don't care if it is going on, she is not worth my concern. The reality of who she is has come out. I am not interested in being a part of her life. I'm not sure how to tell the people who bring it up that I don't care, other than just saying.... hey I don't care.

I had my first contact with her in over two weeks yesterday. I texted to "ask" about the time the kids would be coming home on Christmas. So they are coming home for 3 hours next Sunday. I will be staying home for the weekend since they are coming home. It will be a long 4 day weekend. I may try and find out if I can volunteer somewhere. I've never done that before but it may be time to start.

The kids are still in counseling and I'm not sure how much it helps. They dread going but DD breaks down during the session so I know she needs the help. Their feelings about their mother have not improved, I'm not one to give them the she is your mother and will always love you speech. While there both of them spend the majority of their time on their own rooms or in each other's room. They refused to help her decorate the Christmas tree or make cookies. Side note--- she took every single Christmas tree ornament. We had to run out and buy new.

At this point, it sucks. Holidays, every other week alone, not divorced but not married, I'm not in a position to have a "friend" because I just can't invest myself into a relationship even just a friendly one.

BUT..... my long matrimonial nightmare is almost over. I just keep telling myself that I am closer to it being over than it just beginning.

I think y ou should try for sole custody. Your kids arent happy. Its worth a shot.

What are the kids' goals in counseling? Are they goals the kids have come up with themselves (i.e. ones they have an interest in working on)?

Dreading counseling can mean a few things. Ultimately it's supposed to be a helpful thing in moving forward. If they are just going there time after time to simply talk about their pain and confusion without any resolution or progress or healing, it seems that would indicate a lack of direction.

Goals should be specific and measurable. They should include specifics on how goals will be accomplished (interventions, therapeutic techniques, etc.) and the time frame for counseling (target dates for goals/objectives). They don't have to be complicated. But they are imperative for effective counseling.

My STBX's counselor is terrible, IMO. She offers my STBX ego-kibbles and a sounding board. When I asked about goals, STBX told me it was to improve self-esteem and confidence. Nothing specific. That's bullshit, IMO. How is it measured? How will they know when counseling is no longer needed? Not to mention that when my STBX had suicidal ideation and informed her counselor (at my insistence), her counselor made no safety plan or anything. One of the things I told my STBX when I told her of my decision to D was that she needed to inform at least one of her family members that she had had those thoughts, because I couldn't be the only one (besides her careless counselor) who knew.

Sorry for the tangent. Counselors aren't perfect. I've made some decisions with clients that proved ineffective; hindsight is 20/20. But having goals/objectives/timeframes for counseling is imperative.

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 8:42 AM, January 5th (Thursday)]

Link,

Sorry to hear about the court delay. That's a pisser.

Especially sorry to hear about your children's continued struggles.

Keep the school informed. They can tell you what they are seeing on their end.

I'm sure you've covered this with your attorney...at what age can the children have input into the custody decision. The court may not allow it now based on their current age. It may be an option for the future. You'll definitely want the same custody agreement for both children since they rely on each other at STBX's place.

Hang in there. The goal post has been moved forward. You'll eventually get there.

Hang in there buddy !!

Just curious...but why so little time w/ kids on Xmas? Generally speaking...one parent gets Xmas eve...the other gets xmas day in a 50/50. Why are you getting short changed?

We have no agreement in place, so there was nothing in place for holidays. I asked her for a coup,e of hours on Christmas Day. Her week starts Friday so the Sunday Christmas would be her time. She didn't ask at thanksgiving so I didn't offer. Plus the kids were due to go there the very next day.

My kids were given the chance to address their preference for time at each parents house. At the time, moms place was new and she was somewhat engaged with them. Since that time, early September, she is back in the A and becoming more and more disengaged. Rather than pressure the kids to adjust so soon..... I am just being me and letting them be them. Hoping in the coming year they will want to make a change. It's up to them.

A couple of other thoughts I forgot to mention this morning...

My stbxw beeps the horn and waves when she sees me or the kids and I. She told the kids last week, after they asked her to stop, that she doesn't understand why I won't wave or acknowledge her. She has no problem with me. Classic.

She has refused to repay me for any expenses that come up for the kids. I.e. Contacts, school tuition, uniforms, participation costs, medicine, doctor copayment, etc. also her portion of the family cell phone bill since I filed. When she left she just left the phone. Well to turn it off you have to pay it off. ($423.00). All of these expenses are adding up. I just keep sending her receipts and giving the lawyer copies.

I ran into a friend of her family's today. She asked if I was shopping for a Christmas gift for the wife. I had to let her know that I didn't have one. She didn't know. We live in a small town and this lady lives on the same road as my stbxw sister, aunt and uncle, cousins etc. she didn't know?

Also ran into a cousin of hers yesterday, she knows and has brought it up to me a couple of times. I really think she wanted to get the inside scoop. So I was pleasant but not really forthcoming with any details.

The counselor just met with me a few weeks ago. She asked me what my plans or the kids was. I was surprised by this and told her that I want d to be sure they were dealing with the tremendous changes in their life and not just keeping the resentment inside. I was looking for ways that I could help them with that as well. Surprisingly, she called me inbefore the kids went two weeks ago. Just wanted an update on any life changes.

Mblink, I hope you have a Merry Christmas despite the challenges of your STBXWW. When February is past, and her title changes to XWW, this will all seem like a distant memory.

In the meantime, you have Christmas with the kiddos (albeit not necessarily on the day) and a Mountaineer game on the 28th... There is much to which you can look forward.

Focus on those things, brother. You are going to be alright.

Met with my lawyer on Friday. We are a month from the final hearing so no matter what it will end in a month. I hope. We typed up a settlement agreement and the attorneys will try and work it out.

The only trouble on the horizon is that my stbxw has stopped communicating with her attorney. The attorney is considering dropping her as a client.

Hoping for the best for you at the hearing, mblink. Hoping 2017 turns out to be a very pleasant year for you.

The only trouble on the horizon is that my stbxw has stopped communicating with her attorney. The attorney is considering dropping her as a client

well if she doesn't get her butt in gear make sure she knows you'll be asking for all legal fees to be paid by her. If her stalling results in needing a new L...you are basically starting over. That better come out of her pockets...not yours.

Hang in there mblink! Have you discussed the possibility of getting a default judgement with your lawyer since she is unreponsive?

Right - a default judgment should be in the cards - she cannot get indefinite extensions for lawyer switches, being without representation or other weirdness.

I would think at this point the court would lean to default.

Her attorney won't quit, then he would have no way of getting paid ever.

Mblink's attorney should work with stbx's attorney on this - wrap it up!