SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nothing wrong with communicating about finances. For your own mental well being, you might want to limit it to just that, though. She's looking for validation from you that she's not really such a bad person. She doesn't deserve that validation because she is, indeed, a bad person.

[This message edited by CuckNo at 11:14 AM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

I would acknowledge the insurance thing and not answer on the book. If you haven't already established that you will deposit the money each month on a set day then do that with this payment and don't communicate on that again unless something changes or you have some trouble with the transfer.

Thanks for the advice, will come up with something business-like for tomorrow with a 1 and done all inclusive msg that talks about nothing personal.

@Marz not sure where you got the idea I was "looking" to communicate with her, in fact it's just the opposite. wut

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 12:16 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

If you dont have to respond and can just send the money, do so.

How are things progressing with the lawyer, school, job?

Stay focused on those.

She does not get to ask you how you are anymore. She gave up the right to that Information when she started sleeping with the POSOM.

We’re here with you. Do something nice for yourself if you can.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:42 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

10am

Her: Our insurance policy for the house got cancelled because of the renters pitt bull. I had to get a new policy and it's $17 more expensive.

Noted. $X will be deposited into your account tomorrow to cover my share.

10:45am

Her: Please respond so I know you got this message

*crickets*

11:30am

Her: How's the book?

*crickets*

'Going forward, please refrain from direct contact. My lawyers will inform me of any requests.'

Ithasfeels,

Read through this thread and I can't disagree with the recommendations to file for divorce, especially after she admitted she slept with him. Also, 180 is always the right thing to do with a spouse who is in the fog and is cake eating with you as a steady and OM as a bonus side.

Since I read it in one sitting, I might have the wrong impression, but it seems to me that if you had your preference, and she came back horrified by what she had done, in tears, had NC'd the OM, left for another job to get away from him, and showed remorse and contrition... would you take her back?

Would you want to be with your wife after all that has happened?

For me, I was really fucked because I have 5 children (at the time aged 3-15). My wife raged on me as she kept sneaking off to be with him and I kept catching her. She kept this up until I filed for divorce. Then slowly, she found some regret, then remorse, then contrition.

This took about two years.

Now I don't recommend you do what I did. It was self torture. Pure agony. But I have 5 kids that I was trying to protect and keep it hidden.

The average affair is around 6 months. The glow of an affair can last 6 months, and then it will diminish and be mostly gone by 18 months. So my wife's affair pretty much was losing it's luster for her at the 18 month point. She was winding it down anyway when I was filing for divorce.

Only about 2% of affairs make it to long term happy marriages. Your wife will 98/100 probably realize that this guy isn't all that he's cracked up to be in her mind after 6 months.

What is it that you want? Where would you want to be 12 months from now?

If it is with a new woman, then continue on. Divorce is probably a lot easier and you will get over her faster with someone new in your life. Reconciliation is agonizing.

But, if you want to leave a door open to reconciling with your wife, then filing for divorce still is the fasted way to get her out of the fog. But, you need to allow room for your wife to realize her idiocy and fess up to it in her mind. This can take a year or more with unrepentant adulterers, like my wife.

Just be very careful to walk the line of:

1) I didn't want this, but I must divorce you

2) Your insistence on seeing the OM gives me no choice

3) I love you, but I am moving on with my life

4) You are broken and crazy and you are toxic to yourself and me, and I must break from you.

Like the others said, 180 is important.

But always interact with her in a calm, cool manner. Try not to burn bridges that you may later want to cross.

Bigger uses the analogy of a train station. You are leaving on a train (divorce). Show your wife you have bought a ticket (filing) and show her you are packing (arranging your assets and finding a new place). Let her watch you drive to the train station (divide the house, furniture, stuff). Let her watch you board the train (date of divorce hearing)... etc.

At any moment, you can decide to take her back if you want. IF YOU WANT. You have the power to decide. Not her. You get to decide what your destination is.

If you want her back as a loving, remorseful, contrite, sadder but wiser, appreciative spouse, it is still possible, but it may take her some time to get there. It did my wife, and that is what I have now.

One more thing. She is talking stupid foggish crazy talk now. She is in the fog and is making no sense. My wife sees it now. She sees how crazy and foolish and stupid she was and admits it. She just can't believe how out of her mind she was when she reads what she wrote. So don't take any stock in what she says. Your a good man and a good husband. Thank you for your military service and I admire your efforts to educate and improve yourself. You're very strong. Whomever ends up with you is very, very fortunate.

NP5

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 12:43 PM, November 30th (Thursday)]

It has feels, how are you doing....hope you're okay.

Hello everyone,

It’s been awhile since my last post.

First, I want to say thanks for all your support during all this. Times is still tough, but it’s getting easier. NP5, I will respond to you at the end of my update.

How’s life?

It’s been going pretty good. I’m enrolled in school, or at least 85% complete just waiting on some papers to come through. I have until January 8th, so not too stressed over it. Life has its up’s and down’s of course, but overall I am doing very well. I will have some days where I will think about my WW for a moment, but I’ve gotten into the habit of taking a deep breath and pushing those thoughts out of my mind when they come.

I’ve went out on the town a couple of times and met a lot of really cool people, so I’m making friends here in this New City. I’m actually kind of embracing my new life (finally) and at times it feels great. The one thing that still bogs me down, is I will have dreams about my WW – either her coming back to me or we’re together again so IMHO the morning is the hardest part of the day for me. Last night in particular I had a dream my WW came back and acted like nothing ever happened and I remember feeling disappointed she wasn’t gone forever. The whole dream I was trying to figure out what went wrong with her and OM so I could get them back together and her back out of my life. Take that as you will, ha.

I haven’t spoken to my WW since my previous update. She’s got a ton of mail here and a package just came for her today but I really don’t want to reach out to her at all. But… another thing happened today, SHE GOT SERVED.

The process server called me at about 3pm EST today and let me know she’d been served but I didn’t get any more details. It’s what…6:30pm EST as I’m writing this sentence and I haven’t gotten any messages from her or the WTF texts I was expecting, which is good. My thought is she will keep her head low and regroup, but I’m not looking forward to when we have to speak again. So far “out of sight out of mind” has been working wonders for me and I’d like to keep up no contact forever if I possibly could. It’s really helped my healing tremendously.

That’s really it, nothing new to report. My job has kind of slacked off but picks back up tomorrow full-force at 10AM and it should be pretty healthy through the New Year. I hope everyone is doing ok, and to any new BS that are reading this… it really does get better. If you’ve read my story at all, I was destroyed, but I am slowly rebuilding and feel stronger every day. I look forward to going out—alone-- and meeting new people. It’s almost liberating…

@NP5

I really liked your message to me. If I were to read it a month ago, I would say that I would take my wife back no matter the consequences and would charge into R at full-force. But, now? I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the “betrayed” meaning behind Betrayed Spouse and I have to say, I wouldn’t take her back after what she’s put me through. I can’t quite put my finger on the moment that this changed, but it definitely has something to do with seeing that she isn’t/wasn’t my whole life and having an identity outside of my marriage again. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and focus on myself in the here and now; which is: work, school, and meeting new people / making new friends. So far it’s going pretty good. I have to remind myself that it’s barely been over 2 months since DDAY and this Saturday will make it 2 months since we’ve been separated. These 2 months have felt like an eternity and something tells me they will continue to feel this way until I can get her out of my life completely.

Do I still hold out hope for her? I’m not counting on it, I don’t expect it, I don’t want it. I hope everyone has a happy holiday and I will update if something changes. Right now, there’s not much to report.

Pretty good weekend, hanging in there. Still haven't heard from WW after she got served on the 13th but I assume at this point she's lawyering up. Will keep you guys updated

Thanks Ithasfeels. Glad you are doing well. Hope to hear from you soon.

NC is you’re only option.

Keep it up

Great update Ithasfeels. You've come a long way in a short time.

Maybe you'll get lucky and not hear anything from your STBXWW, and just communicate through lawyers.

I'm especially impressed that you've resisted the urge to tell her about the mail and package.

It has been tough. Especially on nights like tonight... I was at the bar just hanging out with new friends I met etc, came home after having a good time and I feel compelled to check this site for.. idk the word... confirmation?

She has mail here, packages here, I haven't contacted her since Nov 28th. I've had those nights where I just want to text her, nights like tonight where I want to send something simple like, "hey, you have a lot of mail here and a package for so and so" .. nothing more. I still have stayed strong with the NC and will continue to do so.

If anything, talking to all these new people I've met at the bar and out and about in the world... so many people are going through or have gone through the same thing. It's crazy. When I hear their stories I wonder if I'm moving too fast sometimes. It's been 2 months since separation and I've already had her served... I feel like not many people you meet do that so quickly.

Idk, tough night but I'm ok. Still sticking with my NC @Marz and co. Hope one day I'll be healed 100% and look forward to it. Until then, I'll just keep on keepin' on

The first day she bolted was the worst and then on everyday passes by it gets better. Wondering any contact you make will push you back in to the begining. Otherwise if you have decided you want to be civil with her no harm in telling her about the mail. Is she keeping her financial obligations ? You need to keep telling yourself that she left for financial reasons and her love was not that deep and your best response is to work hard and excell in whatever area you chose to. Such a motivated mindset will also prevet you from drifting to the past

Get the mail to her lawyer or return to sender saying no longer at this address. Do not hoard it. That will be used against you later.

Totally normal to have those times when you still want to reach out to her...it is good that you come here to vent instead of doing that!

It's been 2 months since separation and I've already had her served... I feel like not many people you meet do that so quickly.

You are definitely ahead of the curve!

I like longsadstory's advice to return her mail to sender...probably your best bet.

Please do keep us updated if she responds to being served...either directly or through her lawyer. How long does she have to respond?

Sounds like you are doing all of the right things. Meeting new people and finding other things to do and not dwelling on the past.

There is no reason for you to tell her she has mail or packages. She can update her address with the post office. Apparently she doesn't care, so why should you? It's not your stuff. Only reason to do anything is if you are out of room and considering tossing it.

@longsadstory

- As far as I know, she doesn't have a lawyer. So I'm not sure if that's an option. Granted, it's not taking up too much room but her bike is.. it would be cool if she came to get that. I just don't want to talk to her -- period, so I haven't asked her to come get it.

@Liz

- Thanks, I will update if anything changes or just vent on my weak days!

@Tigersrule

- Yeah, it's not taking up too much room at all. I just shove it under a table in a corner that's out of sight. It's crazy to me though that she can't want all this crap, I asked her to put in a change of address over a month ago. Guess like you said, she don't care lol

PLEASE HELP ME... MY WW SENT THIS EMAIL TO ME 15 MINUTES AGO...

I can't breathe. I feel like I'm going to puke. I'm shaking even 15 minutes later.

This is insane

I thought it was over

done

I'd already accepted it

I'm literally shaking:

[My name],

How can I even begin a letter like this given all I've done? I've been going through in my head trying to string together the right words to poetically illustrate what I'm about to say, but there are none. There are simply four - I want us back.

I don't deserve you, I don't think I ever will again, but I want to spend every day trying to. Trying to be your goddess again - the girl you fell in love with at the beach. The one you came back for.

How did I come to this conclusion after so much time has passed? After all the lifelines you gave me?

I couldn't call the lawyer. My fingers wouldn't dial the number.

I've been burying the realities of what I've done with drinking and smoking.

The one place I can do neither of those things is work.

I'm overcome with loss and sadness at frequent and unpredictable times. I would jump up from my desk and go to the bathroom to cry and silent scream at what I've done. What I've shattered.

I would see your face, your eyes, sometimes a happy memory: Sitting in the sand in [HONEYMOON], becoming hypnotized by the waves lapping close to my feet and turning around to see your slow, casual gait - you coming towards me, your eyes switching between looking in mine and looking down. Our smiles synchronized. Such an effortless time. Just you and I and nothing else. Nothing to worry about as long as we were always coming toward each other.

Or I'd picture watching you play with [DOG]. I would see your hair flop over your face despite your headband. See your eyes look at me, know what you felt for me in that moment. Hear you laugh. Hear [DOG]'s panting laugh.

Always a memory where I would think in that moment, "this is where I belong."

But then I would clean myself up, bury those memories, and go back to my desk.

Sometimes I imagine where we'd be in a given moment, in the universe where I didn't do this to us. I picture us snuggling next to each other on my parents' couch while football played on Thanksgiving or decorating our apartment with little Christmasy nick nacks. I imagine us eating and [GAMING AT PLACE]. Feeling the glide of my bicycle as I trailed behind you. Even painting together and writing together. Because like you said, we could have been better than we were before.

This wonderful little universe I started to construct.

Finally, I couldn't bury it anymore. I started reading how to deal with this when I was the person who murdered it in the first place.

Nothing helped, until I read one line, which seemed irrelevant, given what I've already done. It said, "Who do you picture growing old with?"

And instinctively, I answered, "[MY NAME]."

And it all hit me at once. All the drawers in my mind that I locked away, flew open. All our memories. All our dreams. Everything we were going to accomplish together. It was you. The answer is always you.

Once that came back together, I couldn't stop crying. I felt what you've been feeling. Unable to bury the memories - a continuous flood of what was, what is now and what I hope could still be.

I was supposed to be the mother of our children. I picture a boy and girl, with green eyes and brown hair, your lips, your humor, your courage. I pictured them, and they faded. I went to one of those baby generator websites where you put in both of our pictures and they show you what your children look like. I saved it in my email. They're beautiful.

But they only exist in an alternate universe. The one we should be living in now were it not for me.

You begged me and begged me and begged me. Why couldn't I listen then?

When you were deployed, all I kept thinking in my mind was the line from [BOOK], [ROMANTIC QUOTE]

And now, all I can think of is how I destroyed that [THING]. It's like in the movie [MOVIE]. He wakes up, remembers where he belongs and comes back. But when he comes back, the flower has frozen to death. He never should have left.

I never should have left. I should have talked to you. I should have tried. I should have cherished you - us, our memories, our future, our future children and their families.

But I was too cold, too closed off, too focused on everything but us. You were right when you said you know me better than I know myself.

I keep hearing your voice saying you wish we'd have never come here.

I wish that too.

The drawers in my mind are open. I know what I have to do.

If there is even a shred of possibility, I need to come home to you. I need to fix my disaster and spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you.

I have no right to ask this of you, but I have to.

If you let me come back I will get another job. We can move to anywhere you want. I don't care. Whatever you want. Whatever gets me back to you, I will do.

It doesn't matter, as long as we're together again.

But most of all, I'll go to AA. I know I can't come back unless I take that step.

The Scientist has been on replay in my mind.

I want to be the person you love again. I want to go back to The Start.

Is there still a world where we can be together again or have I destroyed it completely?

I love you, how could I have ever believed that that was not true?

Yours always,

[Her Name]

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:41 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]