SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Somehow I missed this very important thread when I first joined. Thank you for starting it, Hellhath! It should be pinned somewhere. I think the EI BS group feel kind of lost and confused on SI at first sometimes because 90% of the posts are about traditional A's.

Bump for new member

Bump for new member

My WH (is stbx and out of house) was caught using escorts. He won’t admit to anything other than “texting them while he masturbated but never actually meeting up”. “Ok, well once he was going to but stopped himself before doing something” (riiiight).

I am trying to figure out if using escorts is more horrible than him having a traditional affair? I mean, I think it’s horrible for the sex workers and don’t blame them. But would it hurt as much as if it was say, a coworker? Because this is pretty horrific. And keeping the secret is so hard.

He’s disgusting to me. Nobody in our world would ever imagine him paying for sex. Who does that????? Like, it seems so seedy and beyond our quiet suburban life. Like something from a movie.

Sorry for the ramble.

BSisRight So sorry that you qualify for membership here but it's really a good place for those of us, like you, who found ourselves shocked, confused, disgusted.

Please know there is now a group for us--I say now because 2 years ago when I learned my H of 35 years had been going twice weekly to the massage parlors for the past ten years I found SI immediately but no group called EI--emotionless infidelity though there were many of us whose partners and spouses had paid prostitutes or met people on Craig's list. I participated in SA and LTA forums but found it very helpful when the EI group was formed. So I invite you to join us there.

There is also a possibility that your H is an SA although behavior alone does not an SA make. But there is a extensive reading list there and information that may be useful in your H and you learning if he is.

Having said that let me respond to your questions. You asked if it would hurt as much if he was having an affair with a coworker. I call those Das--traditional affairs. And the answer is, who knows? I've asked myself that very same question and have no answer. Maybe it would be worse; maybe better. This way I felt, I still do, disgust. The man I thought so upright and decent and, well, dignified, turned out to be a creepy John who could exploit women and contribute hundreds and thousands of dollars to the sexploitation business. Beyond disgusting. I used to like to fold his laundry and put it away. I cannot touch it now. I cannot kiss him or say I love you. But who knows, if it had been a real affair with affection, gifts, time . . . maybe I would not even be here.

You also asked, who does this? And the answer is many and all kinds for all kinds of sick reasons and because of all kinds of serious moral, psychological, personality flaws.

So, I am very sorry you have this new life but please know that you will survive this. There are many ways and methods for you to recover from the shock and to take your life back again.

You must focus on yourself. Get tested for STD; he may not have actually been with anyone but you do not yet know if that is true so take no chance with your health. You must sleep and eat decently. Take sleeping aids if you are not resting; eat small quantities but eat healthfully. Exercise; take walks; be with friends and family who make you comfortable. Share your pain with a good friend if you can and share with us here if there is no one IRL that you can speak with right now.

Find a good counselor if you can. And read up on betrayal. There is a Library here, top left corner. Also many other books available on Kindle.

Again, you may find it helpful to join us over at EI in the I Can Relate Forum. And learn re SA as well.

You will be ok. Time, time, time and work, work work but you will be alright.

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:25 PM, December 2nd (Saturday)]

Thank you Marji, I will head to the EI thread. :-(

BSisRigh O Im glad your saw my suggestion. It really has helped me to be with others dealing with something even vaguely similar. And people there tend to be gentle, smart, kind. See you there later. Be well,.

My wife cheated on me with at least five guys she met in Craigslist. I’m sure there were more but she freaks out if I bring it up. And being the idiot I am we have had sex almost every day since I discovered the affair in July. I’m pretty sure she has bacterial vaginitis. She admitted to having unprotected sex with four of the five. She tried to blame me for cheTing at first. Now she still acts like it wasn’t a big deal. She then masturbated in a private message with a guy on Instagram and I threatened divorce but then back pedaled. She claims none of it mattered because she didn’t love any of the guys.

MrChump there is a group, EI, emotionless infidelity, in the ICR, I can relate, forum. Your wife may possibly have SA tendencies. Are you both sering therapists? Perhaps you want to say more or ask more. There are people here on SI who can understand what you are going through and make suggestions if you're asking for help.

Thanks marji I will check it out

You're welcome and good luck.

Bump

I am reading this forum for a while. Please advise me, what to do.

My life is upside down. Married for 16 years and have one 15yrs DD. About four months ago, I found my husband visit strip clubs and Asian massage parlors (AMP) every week. Before confronting him, I gathered more evidence and found one after another shocking things about him. He not only visit strip clubs but had numbers of 40-50 girls from clubs in his phone. He exchange texts for hours with them (I have phone records) and 1-2 minutes calls. During the period I know and he didn't know that I am checking on him, I found the days on which he texts/call those girls he also searched (or visited, I can't prove) some address on his phone (google maps). Those addresses always close (2-3 miles) to some strip clubs, some are home addresses and some are cheap bars or something. During that period he also visited AMP (pulled directions on his phone) and also make calls to AMP.

From list of numbers of club girls on his phone (he stored date when he met them first) I know he is doing this at least from August 2014. Now I think he is doing this or at least visiting strip clubs since we moved to USA (2003). Some of the girls look like his favorites, texted and called them frequently.

He always delete massages he exchanged with these girls and put numbers on auto-reject. But some of the massages (less than 1 percent) went to spam massages which I read. Most are sexual in content. But one massage says "Can I come to your home". He received that massage on the date when I and DD were not in country. I searched that number on google, that belongs to an area escort. During that period (Jan 2016) when I was out-of-country, he texted and called that girl number of times. That's mean that was not a random massage.

Now in nutshell, I strongly believes, he not only visiting strip clubs (never mentioned to me, as he know I will not tolerate this) and APMs, but also meeting these girls outside clubs at their home/hotel/bars and also called an escort at my home when I was out-of-country.

Once I confronted him, he just accepted he visit clubs and rarely went to AMP, but never met these girls outside clubs (I don't believe that). He says our not so active sex life (we do sex once in a week) made him do that. I work full-time and do all house chores (cooking, dishwasher, laundry, grocery, taking care of DD). I am tired by end-of-day. He never helped me in house chores and taking care of our daughter.

Now he cries and asking for forgiveness, saying will never visit these places (I have no trust on his words now). Still blaming me for our not so fantastic sex life. He said sorry hundreds of time but I feel he is not remorseful.

I still love him but can't forgive him, he not only cheated once but doing this for years.

I want to divorce him, I am done with this marriage. But still confuse, please help me to make my decision.

Sorry for such a long post.

Bumping for new members

Bumping this post for new comers