SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The poly is not a bad idea. I brought that up as a last resort early on and she responded reluctantly that she would, but it would forever alter things between us. At that time I knew nothing except what I had dug up. Months later, full into reconciliation, and now aware of how sexualized the interaction between them had become, I mentioned it again and she was totally willing if I felt like I needed that. I don't because her response and actions have proven I don't need it now.

I suppose the point I am driving at is that you will know when and if he comes clean, there just may be a gap between accepting it and it occuring based on your emotional state. I firmly believe in forgiveness for those truly remorseful and "adios" to those who cannot or will not accept responsibility for their actions.

I don't however believe that you can never trust again after something like this. It takes a lot of effort and personal growth, but it definitely can be done. Nobody should be condemned to a lifetime of mistrust. That is why a good therapist will emphasize your personal work and not neccessarilly emphasize the past and constantly rehashing it. Ultimately you have to love yourself enough not to be so emeshed and co dependant on the wayward spouse. When you have that strength you can make sane decisions again, dare to trust again when it is warrented, and live life fully awake in the moment without the debilitating fear of being betrayed again. At least that is my viewpoint, and I am generally pretty cynical!

posted this in another thread...

i now just assume that my gut has always been correct. i assume that any time i ever doubted him, i had reason to doubt him.

it is actually easier for me now, as rather than constantly wondering about things, i just acknowledge that he most likely is guilty. sounds grim but actually it is a relief in some way.

Blindsided

No advice. I'm in the same boat. Have really tried to believe H - even did for awhile but realized that after being lied to for 23 years - trust doesn't come easy. And my gut says - there's more (and I keep finding more so.....)

In some respect, I feel my WH thinks he is telling the truth because he always rewrites history to make himself look better. If I come up with a good idea, he'll tell everyone he came up with it. If I find something that has been missing that he's been looking for - he'll take credit. I think it's a way for him to feel okay about himself.

I haven't figured out how to reconcile this within myself but I do wonder if any of us will ever know the whole truth. If only our Waywards understood how hard the lies were and how they really can't look worse than they do while lying.

Sending you hugs and prayers. Maybe your WH will be the one to break the mold...