SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

You have been given good advice and experience so far.

Contact an attorney and find out your rights. Protect yourself.

Full disclosure is the name of the game. Answer any and all questions you may have.

There is a forum in the upper left hand corner called I Can Relate. Look for a thread title on Bi-Polar.

I know the timing is not good, there never is a good time, but don't let that be a reason to put things off.

Another suggestion is to call around and interview counselor's for marriage counseling. Ask some basic questions regarding full disclosure and how many years experience they have in dealing with infidelity. If they don't believe in full disclosure and have little experience, go to the next. Think of questions on issues you think are important and see how they respond.

Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water.

Keep reading and posting. It really does help.

in my heart I desperately want to believe her and just move on and concentrate on seeking professional counseling. almost 10 years I've been living with this women and we came to know each other pretty well. I'm the one who usually bend the truth a bit to soften the blow, and she's the one who's always brutally honest about everything(so I thought). I appreciate everyone's advice and comforting words, but it's just so painfully difficult to see post after post about everything out of her mouth is a lie and I can not take her words. Lying is something completely out of character for the women I lived with for the past 9 years.

for now I really need to concentrate on daughter while she's home for thanksgiving holiday, any advice on how to temporarily shutting it off?

we came to know each other pretty well

Unfortunately you don't really know her. The woman you thought you knew was your wife. She was a loving mother and good wife. What you're dealing with now is your Wayward Wife (WW). WW is a selfish liar and cheater. She does not have your best interests at heart.

With work, she can become you Former Wayward Wife (FWW). This is going to take a lot of work. Whatever you do, don't just sweep this under the rug. All you'll be doing is setting yourself up to be betrayed again.

for now I really need to concentrate on daughter while she's home for thanksgiving holiday, any advice on how to temporarily shutting it off?

Focus on your daughter. Exercise. Go for long walks, do pushups till you feel like throwing up, beat your pillow. Physical release really does help.

Making a plan helped me. I concentrated on "it" instead of her.

Over time, I learned to concentrate on "me" - my healing, my boundaries, my understanding of things, and "what she thought" grew less important.

I had to do this to survive, because she was not remorseful, and almost everything she said was a lie.

I guess that is why I focus on looking within to heal, prayer, and not believing words, but observing actions.

Strength to you brother!

thank you guys, having someone to hear you out really does help. I got through the family dinner and the typical holiday drama that comes with it.

I had a brief conversation with my wife today about how I am going to try to shut it off for the couple of days until my daughter goes back to school and next week there're important things that needs to be discussed. Things necessary if we even going to bother to try working our marriage out. I will attempt to get some kind of proof of NC to OM, perhaps continuing to pursue for more details of the affair. I'm consulting "Joseph's Letter" on ways I can convince her to spill the beans.

additionally I've found some mobile number tracking services online, I do have the OM's mobile number. What do you guys think? any particular good website that anybody had tried?

If I can get the info (name, address...etc), I might be able to use the info to contact the other BS(if there's one), in case I can't get anything out of my wife.

It's been over six years since I hired the cell phone tracking company, but they came from a google search.

AND on the CC bill it showed up as some innocuous name like "JRC Gifts" or something. I had my answer in three days.

When Mr Lucky asked about the charge I blew him off with a "Oh it's a Christmas present"!! It was the BEST gift!!

Rbd,

Sent you a PM.

used the mobile tracker, found out who the OM is. don't know him personally but I do know he's an ex-boyfriend from her high school, someone she mentioned to me many years ago while we were still dating. Not sure if he's married or not but he's in my wife's friend list in facebook.

I will continue keeping this knowledge under the radar and investigate for more info when opportunity arrives. but in the mean time I would still like to give her a chance to come clean with me.

Thanks to the member who pm'ed me the link to that free website. A huge cloud has just cleared up, now I know who this OM is. And now I'll need some warm milk, stop the uncontrollable shaking and give my daughter a bath and put her to bed.

Thank you very much toby

Hi rightbeforebday,

you wanted to know how to "shut it off temporarily"? Well, consider these points:

1) There is NOTHING you can do to control your WW's mind. Nor do you really want to. No tactic, near term or long term, will accomplish this. Not the "180", not exposing the affair to the OM's partner, not getting an NC letter, not getting all her passwords to all her current email accounts, nothing.

2) YOU are the aggrieved party and it is up to YOU if and when there will be a reconciliation

These are good reasons for you to sit back and watch and learn what your WW is really made of, and what she really thinks of you.

Stay strong friend. To be sure that the affair is over it is an absolute must to expose OM, there has to be a consequence for banging someone's spouse. You can be sure that they are talking about the situation. I wouldn't give her too long. Please talk to a lawyer, you still don't know how this will turn out. Sounds like another facebook hookup.

[This message edited by aliveagain at 7:57 PM, November 25th (Thursday)]

Rightbefore,

Sorry you are here.

I also know the sting about discovery near our birthday.....my D-day was the day before mine.

As for what you can and can not wait for--that is entirely up to you.

But the bad part is, even though we sound jaded here, is that your WW is not done with her A.

If she is TRULY sorry, then everything of hers should be an open book to you. And that is clearly not the case. She is stalling--either to take her A deeper underground OR in hopes that you will eventually just leave it alone.

Don't buy into it. Like wifehad5 stated earlier--she is not your wife at this time of your life. She is not thinking rationally, what we call the "fog", and she will go to extreme lengths to deceive you. Sorry to tell you this, but it is the truth.

If you do not get to the root of her problems, then you are setting yourself up for future heartbreak. Believe me, I wasn't aggressive when I first discovered and tried to let things go back to "normal"--only to end up with D-day #2. Don't follow our mistakes--learn from them.

Again, sorry you had to find us. Post as often as you can...we are here to try and help. Good Luck.

I think R is only possible after she tells you everything. She should also block him on FB and give you passwords for all her accounts.

You are doing very well in your investigative efforts so far. Keep up this excellent work since you cannot expect honesty from your wife at this stage, just damage control. Afterall she would still be in this affair if you had not discovered the smartphone message; with no apparent intention to end it.

Trust only the hard evidence you find and try to gain knowledge about the OM. Above keep all this investigating from your wife, she is not your best friend or soulmate at this juncture and she does not have your best interests at heart.

Her loyalty, sad to say, lies with the OM and from what you have said I do not believe she intends to end the affair. She will fight to continue this relationship for the emotional and sexual highs she gets from it and its going to be difficult to get her to sincerely recommit to your marriage. She will tell you what you want to hear while she pursues her own selfish agenda. That is endless cake-eating; she wants both of you and will be most reluctant to end either her marriage or her passionate affair.

I recommend placing a GPS transmitter in her car; if the OM is single and you know his address then you can monitor contact.

Thanksgiving night, we visited my in-laws for our family meal, she bought me a birthday cake, we celebrated Thanksgiving and my birthday with family. I kept up with my poker face for my daughter, she deserve to have wonderful memories of Thankgiving family time, singing happy birthday to papa....etc.

Afterwards we went home, put our daughter to bed, I managed to pull myself together and confronted my wife about the truth and details of the affair. I explained to her(with knowledge and strength gained from "joseph's letter") the reason why I need to see the whole picture as she experienced it, and how it's a very important step for us if we're going to try to work this out. I believe it was a constructive conversation because it did gave us both immense(but definitely not complete) amount of relieve and comfort.

She revealed to me that the OM is someone she knew from her past before we met, she told me the sexual encounter was a one time thing(and I asked her if the sex was protected and I want her to test for STDs in which she agreed). She told me that the OM knows about our marriage our daughter, and the OM has a good marriage of his own and have no kids. She told me that the OM is not located in NYC nor Jersey City where she slept over twice in her friends home(I know both of these two girl friends of hers in Jersey City and I'm friends with them as well, and I can confirm that she only had spent the night outside twice throughout our 9 years of living together. She revealed to me that her relationship with OM was romantically involved started about 1 1/2 year ago. She had also told me that she has to work it out through her heart on her own to truly let it go because it's not going to disappear overnight just because I found out about the affair. She promised to stop all contact with him and made him promise not to contact her, and me insist on seeing solid evidence will make this process harder for her. She told me she understand that my trust for her is destroyed and she's willing to be open with me with her email account and facebook account logged in so I can check it at my own freewill. She begged me to continue putting on a poker face to minimize the impact on our daughter, which was the only request she has from me.

Our comversation did brought me comfort and small amount of closure, but there's still unanswered question and the huge question of if she can truly let go of that relationship and willing to show me any solid evidence.

One upper hand I have now is that I know who this person is by name, have access to his partial profile on facebook, and I'm able to track down his work number and monitor my wife's phone. Also, I know a few of their "mutual" friends I can contact if it comes to that point. I do not wish to expose the OM to his BS at this moment because I'd like to keep my knowledge of his identity a secret for the time being while I continue to observe, and concentrate on my own healing and and recovery.

Thank you for your encouraging words, OK now.

on top of my previous post, my wife did ask me to activate her GPS tracking on her phone so I can see where she is at all time.

me insist on seeing solid evidence will make this process harder for her.

This is bullshit. Really? Solid evidence will make it hard for her? Boofuckinghoo.

She is snowing you. She's only admitting to what she figures you have already learned without her "confession." I doubt her overnights to her friends were to see her friends. If you haven't already, verify this.

She isn't acting at all sorry. Just sorry she got caught.

Take all the good advice you've been given here. She's probably taking the affair underground.

Also, you need to out this to OM's wife.

HORSE SHIT!!!!

She had also told me that she has to work it out through her heart on her own to truly let it go because it's not going to disappear overnight just because I found out about the affair

HORSE SHIT!!!

That is not a commitment to the marriage!

She should be on her knees...sobbing....begging...for a chance to work on the marriage.

Sorry, all you got was what she thinks you needed to know.

Time to lawyer up!!!

Dear Rightbefore,

I am so sorry you find yourself going through this. No contact is an absolutely essential first step. From my experience, I can say that she probably has not told him not to contact her. My husband called the Skank in front of me the day after D-day, and said that the A must stop, and they must not have contact. Then, on his way to work the next morning, he called her again to "reinforce" it...Hence, back in contact on a regular basis. At that time, I did not even know how to check the phone records, we had just gone out and gotten him a new phone with a different number. We struggled through while he was in the "fog" for 46 days, he contacted her through text and phone. It was horrible. Finally, I found that he had created a secret e-mail account and was still talking to her. She also had given him a secret cell phone.

The point is, she must call him on speaker phone in front of you, or send an email that you have approved, without any emotion, and she must understand that there are consequences determined by you if she breaks NC. It boggles my mind how she could be so hooked on this idiot, if he is cheating on his wife too, he is not much of a prize, in my opinion.

My husband and I have come to realize that the fog is a state of insantiy. He did so many terrible things to me during that time, he was being directed by the Skank. She told him what to do and when to do it, my life was a living hell. Finally, though, he de-fogged instantly when he realized that I was done. Absolutely you have to get tough! Do not let her dictate the terms.

Also, I would have her write a time line with details. The two of you can write notes to one another while your daughter is home, you asking for clarification and as many details as you need. In our case, I needed details to heal, and I am working through them. The physical aspects of this mess were actually not as bad as what my mind had conjured up, and I am certain my husband has been honest and forthright about answering every single disgusting question I asked.

I would find out as much as possible about the other man and definitely tell his wife. In our case, the Skank is a serial cheater, married and divorced three times at age 31. So she knows the ropes quite well, has cheated with multiple married men while married herself. Giving my H a secret cell phone I found quite stunning, as I had never dealt with such things before in my life.

Just hang on, the beginning is really the most painful. We are 9 months out, and still the pain and grief are overwhelming at times. But I know we are on the right track and this marriage is worth saving. I hope for the sake of your daughter that your wife is willing to come clean and be completely honest with you. It will be hard enough for you, even if she does.

Also, our D-day was three days before my birthday. I spent my birthday with my H screaming at me (turns out he was angry at himself, taking it out on me). It was the most hideous birthday of my life. My adult kids came over and saw what was happening, it was a nightmare. I hope at least you were able to celebrate the joys in your life, and know that next year will be a better birthday for you, my friend.

Take care.

PS: "She should be on her knees...sobbing....begging...for a chance to work on the marriage" I agree with this. My H did not do this until he de-fogged. Hang in there.

[This message edited by shattered123 at 11:24 AM, November 26th (Friday)]