SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have offered full custody to my husband freely

Why? You're willing to deliberately marginalize your self in your children's lives. You're supposed to be moving forward and learning how to engage in life as a responsible woman. How is offering full custody any different than who you were? It's just more of the same you. I'm sure your BH sees it like that.

Why? You're willing to deliberately marginalize your self in your children's lives.

No. It means that he always has the right to decide, not that I will not have our children with me.

I want to have our children as much as my coming circumstances will allow. I trust in my husband's good heart to decide on what arrangements would be best for our children. If he wants to include me in those decisions, I will be thankful. But I will not demand the right to be included, even if a court would give it to me.

PoRH: Policy of Radical Honesty, a key principle of Dr Harley of marriage builders fame

EN: Emotional Needs

Thank you.

If I were him I'd be shocked because you didn't fight for your kids (at least 50/50). I'd be thinking how would that impact their self steem.

I'd fight with everything I have for 50/50 custody.

If anything, my husband would normally be the one having to fight. As I said earlier, it is likely that I would be awarded primary custody as a matter of course, since I was the one who cared for the children most of the time.

There is unfortunately not much that can guide me on this subject. It seems that the dynamics of waywards who were the financial dependents and housekeepers in their marriages, and are now facing divorce, is a subject that is not addressed often. But it is clear that unfaithfulness is no longer a grounds for punishment in a divorce proceeding. There is no assignment of blame or fault; "no-fault" simply wipes all the dirt away.

I have read enough about the resentments our betrayed spouses feel when we are given a continuing material share in their labors and when we get to dictate what happens with our children; even though we were the ones responsible for hurting our husbands and our children. I would like to show that I am better than that.

No offense, but this sounds like a huge cop out. It sounds like you just don't want the bother of raising the kids, and you're willing to exploit your husband's willingness to accept full custody so you can go on with life as usual.

The damage to your family has been done. You can try to repair it by fixing yourself and show your children and husband (even if he's an ex) how someone can recover and become a better person, or you can ditch your family and move on.

If you're unwilling to change yourself, then ditching your family may be the best response. Otherwise, you need to assert that you can be a different person, a better person, and that you are worthy of raising your children with your husband. Don't throw that possibility away by ceding custody just because you think you're doing the right thing.

You should not use your kids as compensation. It doesn't matter if my W betrays me and we S. She's the mother of my children and they deserve to have a mother. I wouldn't take this from them.

The kids are going to ask themselves why you did this at some point. And the answer will be obvious no matter how you spin it.

I would definitely think less of my W if we S and she didn't want at least 50/50. And I would feel really bad for my kids.

I don't intend to desert my family. I'm quite certain my husband will agree to my having our children half the time, or even more if it would benefit them.

Why is it important then? It is important to me because it is one of the few ways I can show that I acknowledge having made this happen, I alone. And that I still trust in him. It may only be a symbolic gesture but I would hope that it is still meaningful.

Why is it important then? It is important to me because it is one of the few ways I can show that I acknowledge having made this happen, I alone. And that I still trust in him. It may only be a symbolic gesture but I would hope that it is still meaningful.

If you acknowledge that you alone made this happen, why should he care if YOU trust HIM?

As a symbolic gesture, it still smacks of being a cop out and that you just want to go on living your life with as little responsibility as possible, and you've decided your husband is a big enough dupe that he'll enable it and smile because you 'trust him'.

He will care because he hasn't written me off as a human being. He still respects me as a mother, even after everything that has happened. It is one of the small consolations.

If I were truly irresponsible, accepting partial legal custody would not make any difference, it would not force me to return to them. I am returning to them because I want to, even though life may be hard and uncertain there on my own.

While it may seem like a cop out, I think it is a gesture of respect. Although a huge one because most mothers would be terrified to put themselves in that situation.

A BH could sway the pendulum way in his favor if he so chose to.

It would be interesting to see how this turns out.

It is important to me because it is one of the few ways I can show that I acknowledge having made this happen, I alone. And that I still trust in him. It may only be a symbolic gesture

You're using your children as currency the same way some women use sex as currency. You're offering up your children to get some sort of approval from him.

It's a difficult issue. I do keep on looking at it from both sides.

I need to let it go for the time being. The children arrived last night, it is wonderful having them here and that is what counts at the moment.

...it is wonderful having them here and that is what counts at the moment.

Something we can all agree on.

They tell me that they are afraid that their father will throw them out, as he did me, if they do anything wrong. It is heartbreaking. I don't know if my husband knows about this.

I finally decided to tell them this: as a child, one is expected to err and learn from it, but when one is grown, one need make proper decisions in life, which I did not. Children can be forgiven easily where grown-ups must face consequences. They seem to understand this and feel easier. I hope that means that I said the right thing.

in response to tired girl:

I think that at the beginning, I was looking for a formula. Again, I don't know how it is for others, but I came to realize that there is no formula for me; I can only try to tackle what is arduous and hope that this either suffices or that the other necessary changes will come to me when I am ready for them.

I face a great difficulty now with our children. They so clearly have loyalty to me, as much as they love their father. I must somehow show them that their father has done right, while at the same time not leading them into hatred of me for causing our separation. If they were grown, I would willingly take their contempt, but it is obviously not healthy for young children to despise their mother. So it falls to me to make this right, as best I can.

It breaks my heart that I am the cause of this awful circumstance for them. But I don't have time to dwell on that right now, just as I don't have time to dwell on whether this counts as "heavy lifting," or whether I do this for me, for the children, or for my husband's approval. In my mind, I hear what my husband would say: if you know it needs doing, then just do it now, you can always fret about it when you're out of things to do.

Are you having any success in curbing the behavior that led to your multiple affairs?

Have you stopped doing the things that led you to them?

Are you having any success in curbing the behavior that led to your multiple affairs?

Have you stopped doing the things that led you to them?

I don't know exactly what you mean, but I have not been inviting advances as I once did. It is not hard, I don't feel the need to at this moment.

I am still thinking about what I will do when the desire returns, as it must.

I am still thinking about what I will do when the desire returns, as it must

This is what I am talking about. Do you have a plan to deter the cravings and urges when they return?

Shame and guilt only last so long. It is when you fix the fault at the core, where it originates.

Your multiple affairs came about because you wanted to do them. You felt compelled to do what you did.

From what you state..there was no bad FOO issues. There was no wrongdoings from your BH..you did what you did because that's what you enjoyed.

It was "natural" to you. However it is not a natural that most of society would condone.

I'm a minister so I believe in spiritual influence along with chemical influence.

With the spiritual..prayer helps. With the chemical..that comes with "reprogramming" your thought processes.

When your thoughts appear to drive you in the direction you use to familiar, deter it with another thought and think of the consequences that are forelaid should you do it.