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I also believe people with a need for sexual variety and multiple partners should stay away from people who believe in monogamy, and that people who prefer variety should not pretend otherwise. They should not lie or deceive their significant others when entering a relationship or marrying monogamous people.

I think that is what he is really saying to you: Don't do what you did to him to someone else.

The recidivism rate for serial cheaters and sex addicts is extremely high. So take care in your next relationship(s) to not misrepresent what you're capable or not capable of being/doing. That way, you hurt no one. I'm not saying this to judge, because philosophers say to know all is to understand all. That if I knew your life experiences and whatever physical issues affect us and our decisions, then I would understand, as well. It's why we shouldn't judge harshly.

A basis of my religion (Christianity) is to hurt as few people as is possible to hurt in life. Even if you're not religious, it's something to live by. You'll have less guilt burdening you if from the outset, you are honest and decide to remain that way with others, no matter what, even if you would lose that person by being honest rather than secretive and doing what you may wish to do in secret. This isn't just for them, it's to lift that sick feeling of guilt from your life, as well.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 5:26 PM, June 17th (Sunday)]

Even if he is placing himself above you, you have no control over what he thinks, feels or does. Does that mean you don't need to work on yourself because of your BH opinion. It's his opinion. His opinion is not the final word. No your actions won't fade away, but how you choose to live your life from this moment forward is all you control. You can't control what others think about your past. But should their opinion dictate how you live your life?

FWH did a lot of horrible things to me and our family. And most of our friends and family had a very low opinion of him. However he made better choices, he worked hard to fix himself and he is not who he was during his A's. I think they now look at who is rather than what he was.

But you need to do this for yourself not to change opinions.

threw it away

Is he placing himself above me? Perhaps, but he does have that right, doesn't he?

IMO- no.

Fallen-fair enough. My apologies.

I once thought that I would care about what others thought of me and my situation. I have found that I really do not. But I do care about what my children think of me, and I wish that some day, my husband will think well of me again. I have said before that I do not know if I will ever be able to see what I do as "just for myself."

I don't think that I will be able to stop loving him and wanting him back, so it's hard to imagine that I could have another relationship.

Longroadhome -- he never deceived me, not once. I am certain of that. I think that places him above me. I don't want to be contradictory, but I had the affairs, not he.

Longroadhome -- he never deceived me, not once. I am certain of that. I think that places him above me. I don't want to be contradictory, but I had the affairs, not he.

Not contradictory at all. I don't mean to be either. I'm just concerned that this type of thinking will stick with you long term. That you'll never consider yourself equal with your BH or any other partner if it comes to that. You are worthwhile. You've made mistakes like all human beings do. It's what you do from this moment forward that determines the rest of your life.

Good luck. I'm rooting for you.

What squiffle said....every word. I'm rooting for you as well!!!

I fully believe that true remorse and continued growth will be evident and with that there is always hope.

I find your humility refreshing and admirable.

Best wishes for you.

LG

Hi, BS here, trying to help and with respenct.

I think what he said was a coping mechanism. If he refers to you as "two different kinds of people", he doesn't have to acknowledge what you did really hurt him. It's his way of "chalking up" what happened, so to speak. It's how he's coping right now. He doesn't want to acknowledge how much pain he is in, and he certainly doesn't want to acknowledge it to you as he considers you the source of his pain. Consider when people do a fist pump (in movies etc) and say "As God as my witness, I will not waste one more tear on that man/woman." I don't know how else to say it or if I'm saying it correctly.

This may actually be a good thing even though I know it was hurtful to hear, because it sounds as if he is using it to make positive changes in his life. You said he looked good. Sometimes, we have to stop wallowing in the self pity however we can, and if this is his coping mechanism today, then rest assured, he will go back and review things. You have to move one step at a time forward. He is trying to move forward.

He referred to our marriage as "a silly mistake made by youngsters." I don't know if he is trying to hurt me or reassure me; whichever it is, it hurts me.

I can totally address this one because I heard it almost word for word from my WS!

In my case, it was my WS's excuse to carry out an affair and behave like a mean bastard. He did not want to face what he was doing to me because he knew it was wrong.

Your BS is using it as an excuse too, but he is using it to set aside his pain and focus on something else. If he believes your marriage is a "mistake", then what you did won't hurt is bad. I know it doesn't feel like it, but this is actually positive for you too because he doesn't want to demonize you. He wants to put you in the category as a kid who made a mistake.

Please don't tell him to seek counseling. even if he needs it. Here's the deal. I don't know what happened in your house, but in my house, my ex TOLD me I was crazy (paranoid, unbalanced etc..pick an adjective here) because he didn't want me to SEE what I knew was there (an affair etc). Now that it is all out in the open, and you are telling him to seek counseling out of concern, he is going to laugh and say "Ain't that the pot calling the kettle black?" I am not saying this to be ugly. But I can say that my WS spent so much time telling me I was crazy, that that would have seemed condescending to me.

Very gently, I certainly think you are remorseful and trying to work on your issues, but you cannot really think your husband was happy in your marriage because he didn't know the extent of the affairs. That was a lie. he as happy about a lie. He is re-evaluating his whole life with you as a lie. The good times. The bad times. He is dissecting it all.

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think there is any saving your marriage. He is making steps to heal himself and move on. Please just do the best you can on healing yourself and being a great co-parent. We can all turn our lives around if we choose to, but he wants to turn his away from you. Be glad for what you had and move forward.

Sending prayers to both you and your husband. Divorce is hard, but sometimes, it is necessary, and sometimes it is not your choice.

I know that I am a vastly different person from all this happening to me, but in many ways, I am better than I was before. Stronger, more compassionate. We can all choose what we want to be. This includes you.

threw it away,

it sounds to me like he is trying to hurt you in a passive/aggressive manner. he is still hurting so much and wants you to hurt as well. i can't say i blame him and this is coming from a woman who killed a big part of the man she claimed to love more than life itself. i wish you peace and self forgiveness but we, as FWS need to do the work on ourselves just as he needs time and space to work on himself. i can't predict the future but i do know from personal experience that a lot of time, change and honesty go a long way with our BS's. concentrate on you and your children and give him the space he needs. this may not mean a R is in your future but i can guarantee you will be happier with your life on the other side of it. hugs to you and remember, we've all BTDT!!

it sounds to me like he is trying to hurt you in a passive/aggressive manner.

No, that's not him. But he has changed; he has learned cynicism and mistrust, and spares no feelings. A couple with whom we were friends are now struggling with the aftermath of an affair, and are attempting to reconcile. The BH looks up to my husband and often asks him for advice, and my husband recently told him something like, "remorse and a few dollars will buy you a sandwich." I look at this new man and say to myself, perhaps you are right, perhaps you have learned to see more clearly than you once did. It still makes me sad.

That was a lie. he as happy about a lie. He is re-evaluating his whole life with you as a lie. The good times. The bad times. He is dissecting it all.

I think he has gotten beyond dissecting and re-evaluating. But he has written off all the years of our marriage as time lost.

The woman whom he loved was faithful and deserving. She wasn't me; she did not really exist. I spoiled those years of my own life as well as those of his. It wasn't the real me who was being loved.

I had to comment on this because it made my heart sink. I am a BS and above all else I try to help my WS understand, cheating is not who you are. It is not all you are. It is a choice you made, a bad one but you know that now. He fell in love with who you are, he just couldn't stay with the actions you chose to participate in. They are two very different things. You are worthy of every bit of love he gave you, because he gave you love based off what you had to offer. You did however hide a part of you that he could not see. It sounds like this part of you is not something you wish to keep a part of you. So work on finding out the why's so you too can move on and show the next man the whole healthy you and watch how rewarding and worthy you feel.

Please don't associate what you did with who you are. If you do you will never recover.

Thank you for being kind, but I can't see how I could be deserving of his love while I was deceiving him. He would not have loved me had he known.

I don't think that I will ever want a next man. Even if I felt that I could make that compromise, I can't imagine that anyone would want to be with a woman who still loved her ex-husband most of all, even if there was no chance of their reconciling their marriage.