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I would maybe email her proof from an email your AP wouldn't know. Maybe not say anything if your proof is enough. If not, say very little. Knowing it is you giving her the info will make it hurt worse I would assume.

Good for you for wanting to change who you are

I think she deserves to know. I would want to know. She's living a lie, and as SisterMilkshake quoted, it's better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie!

S1,

BS here.

First, thank you for breaking off the EA with the MM and I admire you for taking responsibility.

It is also very fortunate that the BS discovered the EA before it could progress beyond ALL your boundries into a PA.

I am not discounting the devastation of EAs, they have ended many Ms. However, speaking as a BS that hoped early on that I was dealing with an EA the truth it was a PA truly destroyed me!

I was in false R with WW for 5 months before I discovered that the PA had went underground.

I remain thankful that I found out about the A going underground. Immediatly after DD I was in a huge BS fog wanting desperately to believe that my WW was in real R. The truth that she was still lying hurt but ultimately REALLY helped me in my search for the truth and real healing!

Please tell the BS!

It will sting her but ultimately she will appreciate the truth.

Telling the BS the truth will also help you. It is NEVER too late to do the RIGHT thing!

T/J: It isn't what I heard either:(

I don't care what the motivation is for telling....she should know she has been in false recovery.

BW here. Please tell her, and provide the proof to her so he can't keep lying. I WOULD want to know, no matter who told me.

It's the right thing to do.

If you're taking votes. Yes she should know. No I wouldn't want to hear it from the OW.

I would DIE if I thought it ended and it didn't. I would be mad that I missed out on the life I could have been living without my dishonest H. Sounds like he will just pick up an A with someone else. Like being caught didn't matter. He liked being in an A too much. I would want to know!

I read your story. I believe you. Thank you for realizing the pain involved. I wish OW would contact me and apologize. It would make me feel better. But only because it's two years out. I'd be happy if she felt guilty. Right now I don't think she gives a shit. :(

Good Luck.

hi, im a former ow and i would suggest that you strongly think about the reasons as to why you want to contact his bw and be totally clear on the fact that the conversation can go either way, ie, your the bitter bunny boiling ow if her husband has implied that of you after his dd, or she will not beleive you etc, realy think about how it may effect you emotionally afterwards, i dident contact ex mm wife after both dds as when i made the choice to walk away for good i healed myself without inflicting more pain on a woman who knows nothing about me or my name, i also deleted every single text message, emai and other affair related stuff in order to move on and find my own closure in dealing with the magnitude of emotions and guilt etc, hope this helps a little bit

your the bitter bunny boiling ow if her husband has implied that of you after his dd, or she will not beleive you etc, realy think about how it may effect you emotionally afterwards, i dident contact ex mm wife after both dds as when i made the choice to walk away for good i healed myself without inflicting more pain on a woman who knows nothing about me or my name

I'm not too familiar with FOW healing processes and what is recommended, so take this with a grain of salt. While it is good to prepare yourself for a multitude of responses, I don't think your emotional state is the priority here, i.e whether or not it will suck to be the bunny boiler. I mean, your emotional healing is critical, of course - but you can process her response and still come out emotionally healthy, even if it is difficult in the short-term. In the short-term, BW comes first. It is the least any OP can do.

FWIW, as others have said, the OW would not have inflicted more pain on me by telling. I would say NOT telling is inflicting far, far more harm. Walking away and leaving them at peace is not protecting anyone (IMO).

In an ideal world, I'd want to hear info from the other BS. But, in lieu of that for whatever reason, I'd actually WANT to hear from OW (which I did). Random people = random hearsay in my mind. NOT trustworthy since they weren't involved. OW is the source. Sure, she might think you're lying. But let's give the BS some credit. She has a reality and a context from which she can evaluate your contacting her. She can evaluate your evidence, etc. When I met with OW, I surely knew she was spewing some serious bullshit at moments because, you know, I know my WH and her story didn't fit him totally. And I had my own timeline. But I was also able to glean some truth. The BS will figure it out. And she may not be as fragile as you think. Give her credit, give her the truth.

BS here - tell her. She needs to know. When you do tell her, please be remorseful and truthful. If she has questions, answer them honestly.

You need to tell her. I am not sure how, but you need to tell her. She needs to make some decisions.

I wanted to call the OM's BW for the longest time, but didn't for all the reasons mentioned here. It is now 10 months later and my desire to speak with her remained. A lot has happened, but OM wound up starting another affair before we ended ours, and both he and OW left their spouses and had a relationship ( i just found this out). Three divorces. For a variety of reasons, I wound up contacting the other AP. We talked....and talked...and compared notes. She wound up breaking up with him that day realizing he lied and lied and had begun to lay the ground work to cheat again. Then SHE called the BW. Apologized, talked, etc. The BW wound up asking her for my # and if it was okay to call me. I said "of course!". She called. We talked for 2 hours. I told her the whole story. Turns our she didn't know much and I was able to answer all of her questions. She forgave me, and even thanked me for helping to free her from a relationship with a NPD. It was weird, and amazing. She gave me absolution and I got unstuck. The three of us have continued to correspond via text....all getting clairty and bonding. I know this is unusual, but I think its helping all of us to heal, knowing we were all impacted by a NPD, serial cheater. The BW said it helped her a great deal to talk to me and she thanked me repeatedly for my openess....even apologized to me for what I went through. I know this isn't typical, but it shows that you never know how positive it can be to communicate until you do it. I now wish I had called her in the beginning like I wanted to. Could have saved her a lot of wondering and trying and pain.

BW here....i dont normally read or post in the W forum....but i feel compelled.

Tell her.

As a BW, for me personally, it was the lies. months and months of lying. every single day is a struggle to put myself out there....to make the leap to try and rebuild the trust....to rebuild the connection. That is enormously painful...every single minute of every single day...its a gaping open wound, bleeding profusely.

If i was putting myself thru all that only to find out months later it was all based on MORE LIES, MORE DECEIT, FALSE RECONCILIATION.......i cant even fond the words.

Tell her. Snail mail and include some proof for her. Nothing graphic, tho.

Shameful1,

AS a fWH, I know the A is never over until every secret has been revealed. I once tried to control information to my wife. I soon found out, I had no right to determine what she should or should not know.

You need to tell her. Technically you are still having A with MM even if you are in NC. I agree that you need to keep it non-personal, Email. You need to keep it short. Be clear there is NC. If you need to provide reasoning, just tell her you are not going to be the one to deny her the truth. The truth will set you free.

Give her the truth and then walk away. It is her M and she needs to work it out with her H.

I do applaud you for walking away. Continue working on yourself. Best of luck.

I sent her an email yesterday with an attachment of the proof. I did create a new email to send it. I wasn't sure if she would want a way to contact me if she has any questions.

I was very remorseful and apologetic in my email, but short and to the point. I didn't mention my pain or struggles, I made sure she knew I knew I was responsible for her pain.

I hope I have done the right thing.

Thank you for telling her. As a BW I know I would appreciate knowing the whole truth regardless of the amount of pain it causes.

You have without a doubt done the right thing.

I hope I have done the right thing.

This is a hard one. But, as long as you did it for the right reasons, I think you did the right thing.

Thank You S1,

You did the right thing regardless of the motive.

As a BW, I think you did the right thing. There's no good way to find out your S has been screwing around. So long as you were truly telling the BW out of a sense of fairness, and not angling for any emotional leverage on her or the WS, then you done good, or as good as possible in a terrible situation.

I will say this - as the OW, you're one of only two people with direct knowledge of what happened during the A. Chances are good that BW will never want to speak to you. But if you put it out there to her that you were willing to answer any questions she might have, there's always the possibility she might contact you. Your honesty about the A will probably never be seen as a gift, but it might nonetheless be some small help to her.