SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

EW,

Can you objectively look at your relationship?

Imagine a girlfriend told you what you told us. What would your advice be to her?

Think about it..

Somepeople view boundaries not as walls but as a challenge. He may be one of those people.

I am sending you hugs and strength to deal with whatever comes your way...

More hugs,

K

Example 3

You ready for this one?

This is the one that I am STILL very hurt over...

It is the truth but it still hurt very very badly.

He compared me to his ex wife. He said "my ex wife is a millionairess b/c of me, you however live in poverty."

OMG!

So sorry you're hurting.

Am I the only one who takes this as a slam against your Ex rather than you? Of course I wasn't there and didn't hear the tone, but I read this as "I'm so successful I was able to make my Ex rich. Your Ex is such a loser and pays so little child support that he's left you having to work 3 jobs." I saw it as a comparison of his provider skills vs. your Ex's.

Still even at best it comes across as boastful and insensitive. By any chance does he have a history of denigrating your Ex? Do you think he might have meant it that way?

I was with a guy who was like this off and on for 3 years. He kept turning into the most wonderful guy ever, just after I'd broken up with him and I kept letting myself get sucked in.

He was a master at pushing my buttons. He took advantage of my biggest weakness - being nice.

You want him to go away? Stop being nice. Just say this is the end, don't contact me anymore. And stick to it. Block him every way and any way you can. Do not let him into your head or he will manipulate you back into the relationship.

We all want to have a special someone, but this guy, he aint it. And he's wasting your time meanwhile.

I don't think it's so much about being able to recover as asking the question: "Can he stop saying hurtful words?"

(((Exit Wounds)))

Exit, it's not your job to make him happy. That's his job.

When you have to walk on eggshells to keep the peace and nothing you do ever measures up for a s/o or spouse- it's time to run and run fast.

Nothing you do measures up because he's manipulating you, trying to beat down your confidence and esteem so he controls you. He's done it - you're upset over and unable to let go of his statement that you don't measure up to his ex wife because you don't have an excess of money.

Drop him. He's not a best friend. He's not even a friend. And he doesn't even come close to date-able material. Give his ex wife a call and find out how long it took her to recover from his emotional abuse.

I am very sorry that you are hurting.

Two giant red flags that he holds you to higher standard than family and that he says painful words. I get the impression the mean words were not a one off, but habit for him.

You're worth way more than this.

Don't be embarrassed to break it off. Love isn't supposed to hurt.

I don't consider him my BF anymore. I call him my BFF and that is about it.

Gently....if someone treats you like he has, they are not your friend. I'm sorry, but a friend is someone who doesn't use you (he does), doesn't manipulate you (he does), and adds joy to your life (he doesn't).

There is absolutely NO reason to keep someone in your life who behaves like this. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells with someone, it's time to RUN, and run fast.

If it walks like a duck.....you know the rest. Please get yourself out, and fast.

People do not change if they are getting something out of a situation. What do you get out of walking on egg shells? Do you feel comfortable being beaten down? Is it a familiar place to be?

Even on here... Which posts speak more to you? The gentle ones or the harsh ones? I believe you like the harsh posts... They fit you, right? You feel at home when being yelled at, right?

I don't want to get hurt by a man ever again. I choose to be alone and raise my kids. God by my side.

This is your signature.

EW,

I agree with Matisse. You cannot make him happy. His happiness has to come from within him. And just because he is not happy, he has no right to take it out on you. My ex was constantly wanting me to make her happy. When I didn't make her happy she looked for gratification somewhere else - her friends, her hiking and finally her A.

You will go crazy trying to make him happy. If a woman demanded that she would be called high maintenence. Well from what you described, he is very high maintenence. You do and you do and you do and it is just never enough. You have to think really hard about when you want to make it stop. Either he has to change his behavior or he has to be gone. (((Exit Wounds)))

I am just not able to keep him happy. Nothing I do is good enough

read this carefully EW. I know you know how messed up this is.

You don't make him happy. He should make himself happy.

nothing you do is good enough? yes it is!!! just b/c he can't be happy and satisfied doesn't mean what you're doing isn't MORE than enough. Those words are what battered people often say.

(((EW))) you know that this is not right!

Lots of hugs and support!

Unexpected Song

Even on here... Which posts speak more to you? The gentle ones or the harsh ones? I believe you like the harsh posts... They fit you, right? You feel at home when being yelled at, right?

I don't want to get hurt by a man ever again. I choose to be alone and raise my kids. God by my side.

This is your signature

I prefer the gentle reminders and new view points over the other option. My sig line is simple and to the point. I am striving to reach it in its fullest. Let me explain, please.

I have made a choice not to look into my future with wishful thoughts of having a "whole" family again. Having a man by my side, helping me raise my two children ages 12 and 14. I have a BFF but he lost his spot as my BF. I at one point in time had dreams of being married to him, having a common place to live and supporting each other in our lives and as we get older. That dream has been shattered. Now I realize that the idea of a man being by my side, loving and caring for me the way I would love and care for him probably won't happen. So I will not allow another man to reach my inner soul. I am not hardened, but wiser. I am not perfect but that is why I post on SI. Because I do read every post and analyze it the nth degree.

Thank you all for posting. I may not be able to respond to each and every one of you guys, but know that I am reading every one of your posts and a lot of you made a lot of sense and I appreciate the support and hugs, the private messages and the different points of views.

I hope to be in a better place sooner than later, so that I can give back to our wonderful community.

Love you all,

Exit Wounds

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 8:34 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Now I realize that the idea of a man being by my side, loving and caring for me the way I would care and love him probably won't happen.

When one doesn't expect better they tend to settle for less. BTDT bought the t-shirt.

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 9:09 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Moo,

so you are saying I should expect to have a great guy by my side? Wouldn't that just set me up for failure and disappointment? I mean then I would get my dreams crushed yet again? No? Or am I reading this backwards? Please explain

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 8:37 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Exit Wounds, you could have a great guy by your side. However, as long as you keep this jerk in your life, there isn't a chance of it happening. Seems like you are self-sabotaging yourself from the start.

No, he's saying that by giving up the possibility of having a great man, you're settling for a shitty one instead. ETA instead of the alternative of no man who isn't worthy of you.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 9:03 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

No, he's saying that by giving up the possibility of having a great man, you're settling for a shitty one instead. ETA instead of the alternative of no man who isn't worthy of you.

Bingo! Ama nailed it.

I prefer to word it as, "I won't settle. I will have a relationship filled with love, commitment, mutual respect, and compassion. Or I will live a full and complete life without companionship."

Like my daughter says, "I'm that perfect mocha cupcake with a hazelnut filling and espresso butter cream frosting. I'm perfect just the way I am. But if I meet a guy who can add to my life by being the chocolate covered espresso bean on top of my already perfect cupcake ... that would be good too."

Look for your chocolate covered espresso bean, but know that even without it you're still one incredibly kick ass cupcake!

EW, Reading through all these posts I saw this and it struck me:

I don't consider him my BF anymore. I call him my BFF and that is about it.

This is going to sound weird but Does he know this?

Is he really not your BF? If you started dating someone else would he accept it or would he be all over you making you stop. Just because you don't call him your BF, if the two of you are still acting as BF/GF then...

I do not know your situation, EW. From what I have read here it sounds like he is very controlling. A BFF could not control you the way he appears to be doing. So what Moo said strikes true. By not demanding better, have you in fact settled for much less. And in doing so put yourself in a position that you don't want and don't like.

He does know this! He even sent me a text yesterday saying that "being that I am not your BF, there is a lot of changes to be made." Well, I agree with him on that. However, IF I were to have a BF, he would be pissed. I KNOW he is out finding some ...well, you know. But that doesn't mean he is OK with me doing the same...

I am not ready for dating. I am not sure I would want to date anyone in the future. What for? So I can get hurt again?! No, thanks!

I appreciate your thoughts and your time in putting it in writing. Thank you and all of the other's who have taken the time out to help me think through this.

ETA

We have broken up before...several times but somehow got back together. This last trip was a final attempt at "us" and it failed. He keeps saying he is not happy with me and I don't do enough for him. I can write page after page after page of what all I do for him but somehow that is not good enough. I told him I can't do anymore. I am going into depression trying to keep him happy. He is constantly in a bad mood. He even got angry b/c I switched my plans around w/ my kids!

I had plans on grocery shopping and then going to grab a bit to eat. Well, kids were hungry, so we ate first. He called while we were at lunch...then got mad b/c I had said that "we were going grocery shopping first and THEN out to eat!" And obviously I LIED to him b/c kids and I ate first and THEN grocery shopped!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 5:02 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

As long as you believe that having a man to help you raise your kids is your holy grail, you're going to be settling for "Mr. Right Now" instead of holding out for Mr. Right.

If you are honest with yourself, this guy has never been good to you. Oh, he probably put some good spackle over his asshole-ness, but it probably was coming through pretty strong and clear by around the 3 month mark, if not before.

So rather than say "Thanks but no thanks" to being with someone like this, you went and bought more spackle.

Right?

You did mental gymnastics worthy of the Olympics to justify this relationship that is one-sided and exhausting.

It's not that you don't make him happy--it's that no one can make someone else happy. You have to start with a happy, content and well-adjusted person. As long as you are willing to settle for a malcontent blame-shifter, this is what happens.

Tell me, are you content alone? I mean, content. Walk in the door of your house and glad to be home. Content with your own company. Revel in who you are and what you CAN accomplish vs. bemoaning that there isn't a man there to kill a spider or fix the leaky toilet.

I suspect you are not yet content with your own company and because of that, you latch on to unsuitable people instead of believing you can do better.

Fix that first.

Cat

He even got angry b/c I switched my plans around w/ my kids!

I had plans on grocery shopping and then going to grab a bit to eat. Well, kids were hungry, so we ate first. He called while we were at lunch...then got mad b/c I had said that "we were going grocery shopping first and THEN out to eat!" And obviously I LIED to him b/c kids and I ate first and THEN grocery shopped!

XSO once pitched a HUGE fit because one of my bananas wanted to go to the grocery store with me. We were on our way out the door and he said "No. She doesn't need to go." Really, dickhead? You're telling me I can't even take my kid to the store?

Looking back, I can't believe I EVER let a man do that to me (us).

Please... don't let someone do that to you.