SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just tried to call OW BH. Their home phone does not accept blocked calls. I don't want my # on their caller ID. Now what? Do I need to make the 4 hour drive?

You could buy a cheap prepaid phone, put some minutes on it and use it to make the call.

Or call from a pay phone.

I don't think he is being silent because he doesn't care, he isn't talking because he doesn't know what you know, and he is afraid to get caught in a lie. So he is trying to wait you out on what you know. I think he wants you to start first on what you know, and then he plans to go from there. But there is NO doubt he DEF knows you know something!! if it were me, I would make the four hours, because more than likely, your husband has already tipped off the OW that you know something. She will be waiting for that phone call. The fact that they don't accept callers from blocked numbers hints that the husband may know 'something' he may be suspicious of something. The only time I added that feature to my phone-land line-was after I had gotten so many private phone calls.

just a thought on sharing info with the othe spouse. How about good old mail. You said you have printed copies of everything.

Write a note, stating you felt he deserved to know what was going on, and attach the stuff.

You don't put yourself in a dangerous situation, you don't have to drive, and you get the job done, and provide the hard proof that it will take for him to out her.

I'm going to reiterate keeping quiet and remind you why it's important.

You are absolutely right about your WS's actions. These are not the actions of an innocent man. He is going to wait this out because he NEEDS to know how much you know before he says anything. He will spin his story around what you say.

I know this feels completely alien to not speak to your spouse. But the others are right. You are running on emotion right now. Chances are you will slip up and say something that gives him ammunition to hurt you.

Try to find out where the OM works. Look on f/b. If you know his name, you can call the main switchboard and ask for him directly.

The OW could possibly intercept a letter in the mail. You need to make sure HE gets the proof. Even if it is just walking up to him and handing him copies of all of the evidence. The only way I would do regular mail is if I could send it to his work address-that way she cannot intercept it.

just a thought on sharing info with the other spouse. How about good old mail.

But please, send it registered /certified. So that only he can receive it and only he can open it.

Maybe if you can find out where he works you can send the certified letter there so that the AP, for sure, cannot intercept it...

I would also like to say gently~

Since your WH was molested by someone in his family when young, that must change the brain chemistry a bit. He may be guarded/silent and self protecting himself by habit.

I am not excusing his infidelity in any way. He is a douchebag for pretending to have romantic love with you and carrying on with some creep from his past.

You have proof of his heinous acts and exchanges with the old whore...but his response to being caught as an adult doing nasty things with the inappropriate person could be skewed by his early life.

I am a sexual abuse survivor, molested by a few of my mother's boyfriends after our father left us.

My sex life is completely skewed by my too early introduction to all things sexual. I never saw a therapist, too broke for that. It does complicate things at times...I just try to be 'NORMAL'.

All that to say that he may not give you a 'NORMAL' response because he is not 'NORMAL'.

I know that you are hurting, I can hear it in your posts. Honestly, you should not have to consider and his feelings at ALL! He is the one that breached the marriage.

Cheaters lie and lie, that is part of the ruse. But his early life may make him even more stoic.

Take care and continue to stonewall him. HE must confess, its the only way to find out what's up. You will know when he is lying and he might just give some other tidbit that you don't know about.

(((((disappointed3+sweet and cranky baby)))))

To: getting to happy.

WH was physically abused...his father beat him. He WAS NOT molested.

disappointed3,

Do you know where the other BS works?

Try spooftel.com

You can even have it look like your WHs number of her work number.

I'm. Not entirely sure about not confronting, especially if it is tearing you up like this.

You can plan what you want to say.

"I know you're having an A with OW. I have irrefutable proof."

Don't tell him what proof. Make him believe you got it from a PI. That freaks them out most of the time. they can't control it, can't prevent it.

Then lay out your expectations. If you want a D, then base what you expect on him from your consultation with the lawyer.

If you want R, demand immediate NC. Make sure he understands breaking it (and you will eventually find out) will be met with D papers (or a separation or whatever your boundaries are). Tell him if you expect IC or MC (both a very good idea, especially given his background and the nature of the A). He needs to open his accounts and phones to you. He needs to answer any questions you have. Whatever else you need to heal.

Please don't give him time to think about what his answer is. His answer was yes when he made his vows. He is now either in the M or out. You deserve the respect of a commitment either way, rather than being treated like an option.

Sadtoo: no I don't know where other BS works. It's another military town and all I know is he's a civilian government employee and he works on base. If I knew how to get his work number I would call him right away.

I sent you a PM

Okay, got it.

That is a totally different dynamic.

The reason why our father left was because he beat the shit out of everyone.

The coping mechanisims of victims are skewed. Stoicism is used to appear 'normal' to withstand the pain of the abnormal.

I would like to repeat that this in no way excuses his infidelity. But it may give you some insight into his ability to compartmentilize.

Were you able to find out where the BH works?

I hope that you decide to let her school principal know what she is up to with former students. No school needs a sexual predator as a teacher of past students, especially ones that were victims of abuse.

But please, send it registered /certified. So that only he can receive it and only he can open it.

I did this and OW still intercepted it somehow. I think the postmen must not be too diligent about who they have sign for it. Mine was supposed to include proof of identity by drivers license and she still got it.

I hurt so bad I just want to die.

I broke down this morning during my baby's well baby check up. The doctor took me to a social worker. I got tested for std's while I was there. Later went to the legal office...not a lawyer but a paralegal...that's what was readily available to me as a military spouse.

When I got home, WS was home. I feel like I'm letting you all down because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

He asked how baby's appt went. I told him baby is perfectly healthy, it's baby's mom WH should be worried about. He said he hopes baby's mom feels better. I said if he wants me to feel better he could help by being honest with me. Maintaining his innocence, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. I said he's been unfaithful. He denies it. I told him I have proof. He asked what proof? I refused to tell him.We got angry, frustrated...I got emotional. He said he knows he has to be careful what he says to me because I could ruin his career. That's true I could report him to his 1st Lt and his Commanding Officer for violating code of conduct. But that's not what I want to do. I told him that. Why would I jeopardize the career that's going to help take care of out son?

Typo in above entry. Should be our son.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe H is not WS.

After talking to him tonight, I'm starting to doubt myself. He stayed calm, cool & collected for the most part. He kept saying he didn't do anything. He kept referring to the proof I think I have. He asked me if I believe everything I read. I don't know if I should even be on this site. I feel like he is reading this.

I broke down big time. Crying my eyes out. I told him even though I'm mad at him I need a hug. He gave me a wonderful hug. I didn't want to let go.

A little later I was crying and feeling so much pain I had to go to another room. It hurt so bad I wanted to die.

He brought the baby to me and said he was going to bed. I burst into tears again and told him I don't want to lose him but I don't want to share him either. He said in a firm but loving voice "why don't you just admit you looked in my phone!" I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. He said he knows I saw something in his phone and that I think it was between him and someone else. I didn't say anything. He said I should come clean...that's what I said to him earlier.

Why would he be worried about his career if he did nothing wrong? How could he know I looked in his phone? The texts were disgustingly sexually inappropriate but what if I'm missing something?

Honey, you know that old saying..the best defense is a good offense? I do, and it appears that your WH does also.

The gas-lighting and deflecting has begun.

He said he knows I saw something in his phone and that I think it was between him and someone else.

But I'll bet he didn't *expand* on this at all, did he? He's manipulating you and trying to push you to reveal what you saw. Zip.Your.Lips.

"why don't you just admit you looked in my phone!"

He said I should come clean

And now he's trying to make you feel like a kid that got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Keep your cool, D.

He's twisting this shit up and putting you on the defensive. Just hang tight and say nothing for now.

I burst into tears again and told him I don't want to lose him but I don't want to share him either. He said in a firm but loving voice "why don't you just admit you looked in my phone!"

You burst into tears and are clearly needing comfort....and he just wants to talk about his phone. WRONG answer. You KNOW what you saw. You have PROOF of what you saw (right?). Don't let him *twisty-talk* you right now.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:51 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]