Honestly no, I never do anything serious and can stop easily because it's only party stuff and painkillers.
With my newly found clear head I have had an interesting conversation with my youngest sister today. She was reading over SI on my iPad and she asked if I thought it was significant that when I last went off the rails I met my husband and I actually said he saved me and he really did, I wasn't going anywhere nice. Then last summer I was slipping again and I felt my husband wasn't doing anything, I was angry at him.
I was a real party girl when I met my husband and I iactually had a ONS with him then completely avoided him, in fact I left immediately and when he asked for my number I said no. I did lot's of stupid stuff at that time and I was so unhappy with myself. I felt like I just had to live each day and it was a chore.. then he came along and made so much of an effort to be with me. He did really silly/romantic stuff and made me feel so special and wanted, he made me question who/what I thought I was in a positive way. He saw me differently to how I saw myself.
Since last summer little things started to irritate me with him (I felt he thought it was ok for people to make me sound like a whore mainly), I started thinking about the sad things in my life more, I felt like he should be stronger than me and I also began wondering if he still feels like I'm the same person he pursued so fervently. Then he did things that made me question it more and more. Me just being me, I wasn't going to bring it up with him in case it just caused an argument and I find it so difficult to say I'm upset or sad when someone's looking at me. I feel embarrassed about it and so foolish, I still do now. So I turned into a party girl again. I'll always do recreational drugs/painkillers etc occasionally but I did go way overboard last year and the beginning of this year.
I know it seems like I was about to lead to some revelation but unfortunately I'm not there yet. It's funny that a conversation with my baby sister (she's 20 but she'll always be my baby sister) has led me to thinking about this.
I brought it up with her because I was reading how affairs are usually more emotional with women and more physical with men so I thought well what does that make me? I went with 2 different people in consecutive Friday and Saturday nights and didn't listen to a word either said, got off my head and said what I wanted, got it, left then repeated it the next weekend but felt disgusting after. I didn't feel disgusted the first 2 times, I felt like I'd done what I wanted then forgot about it, until the third time. Looking at my life, my big silly handsome husband, my beautiful children... What more could I want? Right now I can't imagine what else, it seems perfect for me.
It's all so twisted and messed up. I'm actually glad I have a clear head right now and I haven't said that for a long time.
I'm sorry that's so long but it only happened today and I wanted to share it since you've all been so helpful. Thank you for reading, I'm sorry it probably doesn't make much sense too but it's 2:20am!
