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Hi sienna,

If you are scared of what you might find out about yourself, don't be. I was just as fucked up and had just as many issues as anybody. It was hard to look at myself honestly and dig deep for stuff that I didn't really want to think about/face. Really hard!

But you can fix all of it. Maybe it doesn't seem like it right now, but you really can! If you are with a qualified professional who is good at his/her job, they will know how to help you and set you on a better path.

But you have to take the first step. You have to walk through the door. If you open it a little bit, others can help you make it wider. You can do it!

I don't know, I'm sorry I think I'm just tired and stressed and talking rubbish.

Thank you heartbroken, I'm sure you're right

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:06 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

(((sienna))). One day at a time - just don't give up on YOU.

It's almost 2am and my H still isn't back which totally isn't helping

I know I have no right or reason to worry but I feel sick. I just want this all to be fixed now I wish I could turn back the clock

I wish I could turn back the clock

I think probably almost every wayward has felt the same way.

And I can assure you there have been times that most of us have wanted to quit, when the road ahead of us seemed to hard. Don't give up Sienna. You can do this.

You have nothing to apologize for Sienna. You're still here, still trying to figure stuff out and that's what this place is for. I think I remember that maybe you dread the topic your ic wanted to discuss recently? (Sorry if I'm wrong) Why not go to your appointment and open by telling her that? That you realize those issues exist-but for now-you need to discuss and work on other things. Quite likely she'll just move on to something else. You seem to be mentioning a lot of anxiety around your husband and current circumstances, discuss those issues and get her take on them if you can't talk about the other stuff. Maybe? That way you could receive support and become that much more comfortable (hopefully) with your therapist and the whole process?

Everybody does this stuff in jagged little baby steps. Therapy is scary at the beginning-it's new and weird. If you keep your appointment, that's a step at least. Even if you don't have some ginormous breakthrough-it's worth going because it means you went. It's cumulative in terms of effects and I think breakthrough moments are rare for most?

Anyway, I hope you will go, but, ultimately that's up to you.

Be strong...good luck.

I went this morning. Thank you everyone.

It wasn't too bad, she's quite forceful and that works better for me. She said she would ideally like to put me on some meds but can't because I'm currently working on other addictions whilst pregnant.

She said she can do CBT but it will only deal with the symptoms now. We were talking about emotional numbness and how she's not sure at this time if I do empathise or just know the right things to say and do.

I know how I feel though, overwhelmed. I think I feel better for going.

She asked what emotions I remember feeling during traumatic events and I told her. She then said I used the same word order and phrase to the GP and in thefirst session with her. I asked her what that means and she said we can find out together.

What does that mean? I'm not aware of it and I think it's probably a bad thing.

Also, my H returned at 5:30am this morning.

I just wanted to add that by forceful I mean she said "OK let's just pretend everything's fine" and rolled her eyes. It made me buckle up.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 5:16 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Sienna

Good for you for going.

Knowing a little about some of you issues, what your counsellor is saying in so many words is that your particular phrasing and "rote"response to how you felt at times of trauma is likely indicative that you have adoptered a position of coping by repeating the same phrase or group of words. Effectively you have adopted a this is how I feel about that and by saying it enough to yourself you believe or want it to be true. I suspect she feels that the actual feelings are really much more involved and will work with you to gradually uncover and resolve those feelings. I wouldn't think of this as "bad", just an indication of an area where you and your counselor will dig a little deeper as you progress.

I'm just not sure how much I can do I feel like most efforts go into looking after kids, husband, working and just remembering to breathe.

I want someone just to tell me what to do. I stayed underwater for ages this morning in the bath I have such unhealthy thought processes and I recognise they're wrong but I was thinking maybe I did those things to force some feelings. I don't know I was trying to think about what was good to make me do it twice more.

Anyway, thank you again and I'm sorry for rambling.

Never good to leave your house without letting your spouse know where you went..especially after you have been involved in infidelity.'

Does your BH know where you went after your altercation yesterday?

Yes of course he knows. I'd do anything for my H I know how much he's hurting but I'm not going to have anyone talk the way he did about my family. They're his children's family too and talking about my brother like he was a wimp and saying about me as if I'm going the same way no I'm not accepting that

understood...did he apologize?

but I was thinking maybe I did those things to force some feelings

I think you are referring to you As... Am I correct?

This is very possibly the case.

A lot of the un-healthy things we do is to either avoid feeling an unpleasant feeling (for example i feel lonely, unloved, unhappy so I cheat), or to create a pleasant feeling.

So the question is what was going on in your life at the time that you were trying to avoid? Or - what feelings did you get that made you do it again? Those are big questions to look into.

This is the difference of making decisions based on feelings, rather than commitments.

Yes, he's sorry.

I'm not sure what I was referring to in that post to be honest.

I was angry with him when I left he was calling me names and I think it was just anger

What do you mean, he was calling you names?

We argued, he called me a whore and I behaved like one.

the name calling is not uncommon, Sienna. I was called all kinds of whores, bitches, sluts, a bad mother, all that shit. They're in pain and lashing out. Not excusing it - just explaining it. Now, him attacking your brother, that is beyond wrong.

I think I've confused this. He didn't call me any names yesterday. he called me names just before I went and cheated on him.

yesterday he wrote on a forum about my brother giving up and having young children said he thinks it's cowardly and then made comparisons to me said I'm a pill-head it just really upset me so I got angry with him I was shaking and left, I went to my Dad's.

He's apologised and said he didn't mean it the way it looked. I know I'm probably over sensitive and I didn't mean to upset him so much yesterday afternoon I just felt so angry at the time. I went and told my Dad and he made me see how I overreacted and I just took a minute to think about how lucky I am that he might be an idiot but I know he just gets scared and he loves me

Sienna,

I'm proud of you for going to your appointment. I hope you're proud of yourself, too. It was a tough thing to do, but you did it.