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Want2Help ~

Maybe do leftovers? Or does he insist on a "fresh" lunch all the time?

He works on construction sites, so no place to heat up leftovers. He likes fresh sandwiches. Made at 4:30 am of the day he works.

confused615 ~ do you get up at 5:00 am to make his lunch or is that just the time you get up? Does your WH appreciate you making his lunch? I wouldn't so much mind getting up and making his lunch if he didn't complain about his lunch when I do make it. eta: I feel that is very sweet, thoughtful and kind of you confused. No slaps! Good wife.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:32 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

I stay at home too and also make my FWH's lunch although I did that when I was working too. I make it the night before and stick it in the fridge (it's still "fresh" even if it's made the night before!). I don't mind doing it because he is always appreciative and has never complained...if he did, then I probably wouldn't feel inclined to do it.

I generally don't make appointments for him though...he usually does that when he has a break at work but I would if he was just too busy.

The thing is, I think it is fine to do those things for the person you love so long as they actually appreciate it. If the person is demanding, complains and is ungrateful then no, I wouldn't put myself out to do those extra things. Just because you're at home doesn't mean you're a slave either!

I get up at 5AM to spend some time with him before work..sometimes we cuddle and watch the news..sometimes,we do *other* things..

I actually don't really mind. We go to bed fairly early now that he's on first shift(about 30 minutes after the kids go to bed),so getting up that early isn't too difficult. DS gets up at 6AM to shower and get ready for school,so I usually have about 20 minutes of quiet time to drink my tea and read SI before my day begins.

He never complains about his lunch. Sometimes I pack it,sometimes I don't(usually when Im pissy). He can eat out on the days that I don't,so he's not gonna starve. He always thanks me for his lunch,and usually sends me a text after he gets to work thanking me for getting up with him that morning and keeping him company..and he'll tell me how much it means to him,how much he loves me,etc.

If I don't get up with him,he will text me and tell me he missed me that morning.

If he were to bitch about it..I would stop. Screw that!

As I said, I used to make his lunches, but he would come home and complain. He would accuse me of not caring, not thinking. He felt I made a shitty lunch on purpose. He accused me of just making a sandwich the way I liked it and not the way he liked it. He thought I was playing games. I would never do that. What kind of fucking evil manipulative bitch did he think I was? So many clues that I missed. I am an authentic person. Never played mind games with people. I thought most people didn't. Foolish me. My FWH obviously thought I played mind games because that is what he did.

(((SMS))) This is straight-up gaslighting. That is totally different from general bitching about lunches. He doesn't think you play mind games, he was leading you off the scent of his misdeeds/shortcomings by making you feel bad/inadequate about yourself with stuff that is not even remotely true. No wonder you don't want to make his lunches, I wouldn't either. Even if he totally reformed and no longer did it, what a huge trigger for so many negative feelings. You are absolutely entitled to be pissed about this.

Enforcing boundaries IS hard. Especially when you've been conditioned that everything is your fault and/or to be the grand master caretaker. It feels like a greater punishment for you than for him, but only in the short run. You keep at it, and in the long run you will see you are doing the right thing for yourself and him. You can do it!

I stay home. It is a new role for me (one I never thought I'd fill). My H and I are figuring out what works for us. I used to make his lunch, but he always left it behind anyway, so I stopped. I keep food in the house for him to take, but he typically forgets that too. I do make his appointments. At first, it irked me for the same reasons as you - I don't know his schedule. Now, I realize, he doesn't have a schedule and will have to request to be off whatever day I make the appointment. I work this to my advantage and make a block of appointments for the whole family when I make his so he has to be there to help with the kids (I.e. we have 4 dentist and 3 optometrist appointments scheduled for June 14). I wash his laundry, but I don't put it away for him (I don't even do that for my 5 yr old). I do the grocery shopping and almost all the diaper changes and baths. I calm all the screaming fits and run the kids to whatever events. I cook 2-3 meals every day and hand wash the dishes. I keep the house somewhat clean (our kids are 5, 20 mos and 7 weeks, so clean is a relative term). He NEVER complains about any of it. Even if I burn dinner, he eats it without complaint. My exH complained about everything. Nothing was ever good enough and it was all my fault (though I worked full-time and was the primary breadwinner in that relationship). My H knows that I am not his mother or his servant, so he is grateful for what I do get done and accepting or even indifferent to all the things left undone.

Sounds like you are being a good mommy, sister. Now you need to stop it. He is a big boy and call and make his own appointments since he doesn't like the time you do it. I learned this lesson with XWH#1 who couldn't even buy his own socks and underwear, much less make his own doctor's appointments. I worked full time, took care of two kids, the house, and also had to be his mommy too. I let WH#2 know what was what when he moved in. I am not his Mommy. I do his laundry now, cook all the meals, shop, and clean the house. I also make him lunches. Not because I have to, but because I am not working at the moment and he is. He is still responsible for his own medical needs and knows I will not make him doctor's appointments. I found myself sliding back into the same role that I did during my first marriage of being the mommy. I quickly woke myself up and said I wasn't going there again. Lesson learned!!!