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If he's going to complain about everything you do, then he can do it himself.

This. I would have no problem making the lunches or appointments for my H, but if I constantly got bitched at for the way I did it, I'd stop. A little appreciation goes a LONG way IMO.

I do a little bit of mommying-type stuff for my H, but it mostly revolves around packing his clothes or picking out clothing for him (or laying out clothes for my DD so he doesn't have to pick them out in the morning before he takes her to school) but I do this because he is colorblind.

I totally think this is a love language thing, more than a mommy thing. But maybe I am wrong. It's what hit me first. He feels loved by you when you do these things for him. If that is the case, he needs to be fucking appreciative!!! However, he also needs to accept that these might just be things you cannot do for him, for the reasons you have stated. But if it is a LL issue, maybe you can pivot and make more out of doing other things for him, so he gets that loving feeling from those other acts?

Personally, I don't do either of those things. I'm also a WOHM, but I didn't do is fucking laundry for 15 years, either. Ain't no chance I'm getting up at 4:30 am. (after our first MC session, before I knew of the affair, our counselor suggested spending 30 minutes a day together. My spouse thought I should get up at 4:30 to have coffee with him. Uh. No. I'd rather get divorced. )

My spouse thought I should get up at 4:30 to have coffee with him. Uh. No. I'd rather get divorced.

I love my H but the only way I'd be up at 4:30 is if I haven't gone to bed yet.

Get a coffee maker with a timer. We are empty nesters and take turns at night getting coffe ready before we go to bed and each have started doing a good job to recognize and thank the other for doing it first and never complain if neither did it...or in my case did it wrong...I'm on a roll since the latest DDay to forget one of the simple steps like putting the pot in or pushing the auto button. Funny how just that little thank you goes a long way.

I love my H but the only way I'd be up at 4:30 is if I haven't gone to bed yet.

Right?

I won't/don't get up at 4:30 to make lunch. However, I have been known on many ocassions to "be up" for a good shagging at 4:30 am. I feel that puts me in the "good wife" catergory even though I don't make his lunches.

I have been known on many ocassions to "be up" for a good shagging at 4:30 am.

Wait...there's a choice? I've just decided I can make my own damn lunch...

Wait...there's a choice? I've just decided I can make my own damn lunch...

Right?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:15 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

Talk about your acts of service!

I mother the hell out of INAB and he doesn't complain.

The way it's going down is a mommy thing, not a wife thing. He is dumping the responsibility onto you to make sure it happens and to let him know about it, and if he doesn't like the way you did it, it's your fault.

I don't think making appointments or lunches for your spouse should be expected if you are a SAH parent. These days I tend to make them because they are influenced by my schedule. If I had to make an appt for g_r it would be as a favor because she was overwhelmed with work or something, and if she wanted it at a specific time she needs to tell me.

It's a very thoughtful thing to do for your spouse but it's tacky to have it dumped on you as an additional responsibility rather than accept it as a favor.

A) He can make his own appts.

B) Your offer to make lunch for him the night before is perfectly reasonable, and if he doesn't like that, then he gets the pleasure of making that himself, too.

Going back to the appts----If he provided you with days and times, (and reason that he wants to be seen) that were good for him, then you making the appt might be easier for him. If he can't or won't provide the information then it sounds like he's setting you up to fail.

He's going to bitch about the day and time you make it for---and if you can't answer the "chief complaint" question, it's a wasted call.

So, is there something else going on? Something he's pissed about that you haven't picked up on (because you're a mind reader, too)? Personally, I find that when someone gives me a task, but witholds key info about it, they are setting me up to fail, and then can bitch/complain/pick a fight. And then the REAL issue comes out.

I make my FWH's Dr appts, but because I know all the good doctors with my history. He never complains. He makes his own therapy appointments however. I refused midway during false R.

I don't make his lunch, he works in a restaurant. I do however text him to bring me home my favorite meal at least once a week. :-)

I hate ironing, he irons his own chef coats. I do at least do laundry.

There is no way i would get up at 4:30 am to make him lunch. Night before? Maybe.

His complaints??? We would be having words over that.

Ain't no chance I'm getting up at 4:30 am. (after our first MC session, before I knew of the affair, our counselor suggested spending 30 minutes a day together. My spouse thought I should get up at 4:30 to have coffee with him. Uh. No. I'd rather get divorced.)

This nearly made me spit out my drink. Hilarious!

Love language issue or no, I think if you are not being appreciated for doing the task, then you don't do it. He can make his own lunch, and call to make his own appointments when he is eating the lunch he made. You already set your boundary - I can make your lunch the night before, or you can make your own in the morning. The key is enforcing it. Like a previous post said, even if it is a love language issue, you can fill his love tank in other ways that accommodate your boundaries.

I'm amused so many people think the SAH parent should make the phone calls. In our house it is the opposite. My husband works and usually makes all the calls because he knows the chance of me being able to find a person who can do what I need on the phone without the din of three kids (or more if they have visitors) under 10 in the background is about 2%. So he makes all the calls, unless the scheduling is too complicated for him then I do it. The lunch thing, I did at one time when he was working long hours and had new dietary issues, and he didn't understand what he should be packing for his lunch to address them. Post-DDay though he does his own lunch. And is happy to do it.

You are a stay at home MOM not a stay at home personal assistant. He is an adult. It was lovely of you to offer to make his lunch, but if he wants something other than what you have offered he can do it himself. Personally, I think anyone who can reach the bench top and plans to eat separately from the family (eg at lunchtime) can make their own lunch.

Ditto the doctors appointments.

He seems to be confused about the year we are living in, he sounds like a 1950s husband. Your job is not to serve and obey this man, but to raise the kids. This includes making sure the house is clean(ish) and clothes are washed etc. and family meals are provided at mealtime OR ingredients are available to make one's lunch. That's it. Anything else is very generous of you and should be treated as such.

Now how to get this across without causing a horrible fight and making him resent you because he feels entitled and you're not playing ball....

If you want to take the gentle approach rather than laying down the law, I'd show him how ridiculous it is to expect you to get up at 4:30 by making his lunch, but making mistakes because you are so tired (eg too much salt, put in a weird spread, etc) and just say when he keeps bringing it up "oh gosh, what was I thinking? I'm sorry I was so exhausted I didn't even realise what I was doing!" Then do it again the next day. He'll soon get the message and maybe realise the night before is better.

Good luck!

It's one thing if it's a pleasant surprise or something you do because you want to, and he appreciates it and receives it affectionately.

Instead of that, it does sound like he is trying to push you into the role, and then criticizing you when you do for him. A push-pull dynamic, most definitely. As others have said, in that case, he can definitely do it himself.

What does he say about this? Does he acknowledge putting you in a mommy role?

I'd make my husband's lunches--- but I damn-well would not get up at 4:30 AM to make them!!! That's crazy.

I'd make his lunch the night before - and if he complained: THAT WOULD BE THE END of my lunch-making for his butt!

hopeful10 ~ I feel he is being a baby, too.

tg ~ yes, it is sandwiches, thats what he wants. But, if I made them before I went to bed and put them in the fridge, I feel they should be quite good still.

Tred ~ you almost made me feel guilty. Easy to do with me as I am trying to be a recovering co-dependent. My FWH works very hard. I like to make his life easier. I am glad you appreciate SandAway and don't complain.

I85 ~ you always make me smile!

Josephine ~

sisoon ~

if you get up at 4:30, you might be too tired for awesome moments and whatnot in the evening....

True!

jellybean ~

sinsofthefather ~ I am still torn between it being a wife thing and mommy thing, honestly. (making his lunch)

LA44 ~ you bring up a great point. We have the book "The 5 Love Languages" and we really need to read it. I feel a lot of our miscommunications is that we don't understand each others love languages.

SadFlower ~ thanks! I do the routine errands that you speak of plus all his laundry, I cook Every. Single. Night. Not gourmet meals because he hates gourmet. Meat and potatoes kind of guy. HAH! A few days after d-day in a lame attempt on MisterSister's part to make me feel better about myself ('cause, ya know, your self esteem is total shit after you find out) he said to me "I tell everyone what a great cook you are!" Gee, thanks, I feel so much better now.

MissesJai ~ I feel that way, too!

realitybites ~

All those nice little things you do for him are out of the goodness of your heart, not just because he expects it.

Exactly!

TXBW ~ agree with everything you said and I feel the same way.

lordhasaplan? ~ I feel you nailed it exactly.

Jana ~

I would have no problem making the lunches or appointments for my H, but if I constantly got bitched at for the way I did it, I'd stop. A little appreciation goes a LONG way IMO.

And that is why I stopped doing these things.

Rebreather ~ agreed about the love languages.

he needs to be fucking appreciative!!!

This is what bothers me the most, I feel.

My spouse thought I should get up at 4:30 to have coffee with him. Uh. No. I'd rather get divorced

MissesJai ~

StillGoing ~

It's a very thoughtful thing to do for your spouse but it's tacky to have it dumped on you as an additional responsibility rather than accept it as a favor.

You men of SI are amazing. You get it. Yes, I do agree and that is how I feel. The way it is going down he is making it a mommy thing.

Conflicted1 ~ that is very sweet! So true about the "thank -you's".

itainteasy ~

they are setting me up to fail, and then can bitch/complain/pick a fight. And then the REAL issue comes out.

I have noticed this pattern in my FWH in the past. Not so much since d-day, but old habits die hard.

Samantha ~

His complaints??? We would be having words over that.

Yep!

hathnofury ~

You already set your boundary - I can make your lunch the night before, or you can make your own in the morning. The key is enforcing it.

As I have posted earlier, I am a recovering co-dependent, so enforcing my boundaries is hard for me to do. At least without feeling guilty.

Nogoingback ~

You are a stay at home MOM not a stay at home personal assistant.

This. I have actually said that exact thing to MisterSister.

but making mistakes because you are so tired (eg too much salt, put in a weird spread, etc) and just say when he keeps bringing it up "oh gosh, what was I thinking? I'm sorry I was so exhausted I didn't even realise what I was doing!" Then do it again the next day. He'll soon get the message and maybe realise the night before is better.

As I said, I used to make his lunches, but he would come home and complain. He would accuse me of not caring, not thinking. He felt I made a shitty lunch on purpose. He accused me of just making a sandwich the way I liked it and not the way he liked it. He thought I was playing games. I would never do that. What kind of fucking evil manipulative bitch did he think I was? So many clues that I missed. I am an authentic person. Never played mind games with people. I thought most people didn't. Foolish me. My FWH obviously thought I played mind games because that is what he did. So, I would never do what you suggest, Nogoingback.

silverhopes ~ he doesn't feel like he is making me his mommy. He feels it is my wifely duty to do these things.

Dare2Trust ~ he doesn't want me to make his lunch the night before. If I did, he wouldn't take it to work with him. He'ld leave it in the fridge and make his own lunch in the morning.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:03 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

Sorry Sister, all through reading t I was going "Who does he think she is, his MOMMY??" (Glad you addressed that point at the end).

I've been with FWH for 12 years now, and I would never, ever make his doctor's appt. That just strikes me as odd. I don't know if it's odd to the desk staff, but it's odd to me.

As for lunch, we often make each other lunch, as lunch is boxed up by whomever puts dinner leftovers away. Lunch is ALWAYS leftovers in our house, (except Monday, when I put a chicken in the crockpot specifically for lunches the next day).

Maybe do leftovers? Or does he insist on a "fresh" lunch all the time? If so, he can make his own lunch.

I get up at 5AM. WH leaves for work about 5:45,and likes it when I get up with him.

I also make his lunch..at 5AM.

Someone slap me.