SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS here...No stop sign....

This has got to be one of the most disturbing posts I have read on here since joining SI. You are not mentally well and need to seek immediate attention. Do not go near your wife. She also sounds very abused and co-dependant on this marraige which is not good for her either. Until you can work out your problems without it esculating out of control you need to stay away from her. Undoubtably you do not have enough will power to walk away when it starts to get heated and I don't buy the "I don't remember" attitude that you are trying to sell everyone. Unless you were high on something, you remember it all. You are a ticking timebomb and need more than IC to control yourself. You need to check yourself into inpatient mental therapy. Which is more important, your family's lives or your job?? You will not get the answers you seek from SI as your problems go far deeper than the people here can help you with. I am not saying these things out of anger toward you or to swing any 2X4. I am concerned for you and your family. Please seek some help.

If you think that

I had a pretty normal upbringing,

jives with

although my Father could be pretty harsh. We didn’t talk a great deal in my family. Issues were avoided, hence my tendency to rug sweep. Confrontation was also avoided at all costs. My Father controlled my Mother but I don’t recall him being angry on a few notable occasions.

then you have a bad IC/psychiatrist/whatever.

Saz, reveal everything to your IC. Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist and tell that doctor everything, too. You have the type of mental health issues that preclude service; lying to preserve income ensures you will remain ill--with a progressive disease that only worsens.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Please let the people at your work know what is going on. Please let the law enforcement and social services people in your community know. You might loose your job or be put in a recovery facility. I had personal experience that reminds me of your situation. I had a good friend in a similar situation and it resulted in the tragic loss of 3 lives a a lifetime of pain for others. This was 20 years ago. I still live with this burden. I should have told community services about him and his situation. The people here at SI are trying to help you. The activity here is all anonymous so we cannot go any further than give advice. Please give your life and your wife's life a chance before it is too late. Let the people in your community know. I'll pray for you.

Juki and I now have minimal contact, so she is safe. I understand that abuse of any sort, emotional or physical, is unacceptable. My behavior has been unacceptable.

I thank you all for trying to help me. I know I have serious issues and that I need a great deal of help.

Please know that I'm not ignoring your advice to advise my counselor. I see her early next week.

Juki spoke to our S and let him know what was going on. He's a really squared away young man. I'm glad he's so supportive of his Mother.

Thanks for your advice.

hello sazerac...i prayed for you today...i hope you find your peace..be safe and be well.

My therapist couldn't see me because of funding issues with the Army; no surprise there.

I expect the issue will get sorted out very soon and I'll be able to see her in another week or so.

Juki found a group therapy program for abusers and I called them today. I hope to hear from them tomorrow.

Juki is making plans to leave, which is not what I want.

I understand that I'm an abuser. I think group therapy will be good for me because I'll be with other guys who behave like me, so I expect it will be harder to present a false image of myself.

I'm busy during the day with work and at night, renovating, but I'm always wondering how I let things get to this point.

Time for bed. It's been a long day.

[This message edited by Sazerac at 9:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

Good luck on this leg of the journey. I hope you find your center.

Are you threatening to take away the car she was intending to use for her trip?

Simple question.

FinallyHappy

Funny thing is, it's not her car. The lease is under my name and Juki has already told me that she'll return by air, leaving the car in Western Canada when she comes back to shut down her shop.

There are many things you don't know about Juki, what she's done in the past, our finances, etc.

That being said, nothing excuses my abuse, so I guess you could say that I have this coming.

Juki demands that I "out" myself at work, which means I'll be fired. So really, what's the point. I out myself, get fired, can't pay the bills, and Juki is already gone. I guess I'm screwed either way because I know she'll stop at nothing to make me pay.

Juki's three door's away, but won't respond to my e-mails and phones calls because I don't know what's going on.

Today she came home, got her dog, took it to the vet so she can travel through the USA on her way West.

All news to me.....surprise.

There are many things you don't know about Juki, what she's done in the past, our finances, etc.

And? What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Doesn't excuse your actions. At all.

I guess I'm screwed either way because I know she'll stop at nothing to make me pay.

Yeah, it's totally Juki's fault you're in this position.

You cheated on her. You abused her. Not. Her. Fault.

Do you really think that given your infidelity and abuse she should really tell you anything about what she's doing? Her job is to protect and disengage herself from you. If you are truly clueless to her whereabouts and dealings, good for her.

What's the saying around here Saz? You've been here long enough to know. You control YOU. You can't control other people, shouldn't even try. Work on YOU and fix YOU and control YOU. Period.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:49 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Aubri84

What's the saying around here Saz? You've been here long enough to know. You control YOU. You can't control other people, shouldn't even try. Work on YOU and fix YOU and control YOU. Period.

I would disagree somewhat. "Juki - Out yourself at work and maybe we can talk".

I'm not in control of Juki at all, but she's definitely controlling me and our finances and everything else.

And why isn't it important for everyone to know about her past. Isn't it relevant to this situation?

Are you bringing up her past in the correct perspective or is it an attempt to thwart attention off you?

Not really relevant, no, she didn't have the affair or abuse you. It sounds like another way you are trying to control her; to control our image of her, to threaten her with knowledge you have.

Funny that all I kept thinking is lets see what he says this time to make it not his fault. Juki is doing what she needs to do to get away from a man who cheated on her, emotionally abused her, has yelled in her ear while punching the bed she was laying in, has brandished a knife at her, has pulled her down to the floor and who has openly admitted that he has abused her. She is doing what is necessary to leave you and instead of working on you there is nothing but excuses. "Oh well look Juki isn't perfect either, its not all on me." That's what I hear in your post. You said you'd go to therapy and yet somehow that falls through right when you're supposed to go. You said you care about changing but its an issue that she is ignoring you. What changes have you made that would make her even consider being with you. Did you ever think that you confessing your actions to your employers will show her you are taking accountability and not just speaking pretty words? The car is in your name, so of course you'll take it right when she said she was going to be driving. Stop trying to contact her. Stop trying to control her. She is not controlling you, she is asking for proof that your making changes but of course you see her requests as control because you've been in control of her and your lives for so long. Learn that the only person in life you can control is you and the only one who has control over you is you. Use that and get some help. Stop the excuses and get help and if you don't want to then be honest and say you're not going to change but if that's the case leave Juki out of it.

[This message edited by Unagie at 7:19 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Unagie

If I confess at work, I'm out of a job. Then, I won't be able to support Juki or myself.

Juki just called the police on me because I sent her an e-mail a few hours ago after I drove by the house and saw her car windows were open.

I had no choice but to drive by the house because there's really no other practical way to go.

She left her windows open a few days ago and the rain came in, so I thought I'd remind her to shut her windows.

Now she calls the police on me.

I guess no contact means no contact, unless your contacting the police or talking to someone so your husband loses his job.

I guess it's really over.

Oh, thank heavens.

It had to happen. Make plans that aren't centered on her, Sazerac.

She deserves - yes, that horrid word that likely pisses you off - DESERVES to be safe.

You're not safe.

Reality

Thanks for your support.

Reality

How do you suggest I make plans that aren't focused on Juki when I can't talk with her, but I'm expected to manage three houses, including most of the extra expenses incurred because of her business.