SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Spokeo is also an interesting place online. It will say you have to pay but you don't to get onto some screens.

It was really interesting because it filtered and then drew together all of the websites he goes to.

We were already in D process and it makes too many triggers to look, but when I was in stealth mode, it really helped.

It even guided me to some of the sites where people sell stuff and I learned about OW's household a little that way, because he is/was selling video gaming equipment we don't have here and never did. (I guess he could buy and try to refurbish, but I doubt it).

Thanks so much for your help. I actually did discuss it with him and know why he was looking outside: for an ego boost (he has VERY low self esteem) and problems with his job. He even said that it's no excuse for what he did. Last night he was crying hysterically asking me for forgiveness and that he never wants to break up. Of course I will still keep my eyes open, though!!

Does he have a plan in place for the next time his life gets rough and he needs an ego boost?

Is he going to go to IC? Are you two going to attend MC?

Don't rugsweep, please. He made a conscious effort to seek women outside your marriage when he knew you would be hurt. He needs boundaries. You need boundaries. Your marriage needs boundaries.

(((Sad)))

The last A my husband had was with AP that lived in Puerto Rico. We are in NJ. It was a PA (physical affair). Granted they saw each other a handful of times but the AP travelled to see him on her husband's dime. Really classy.

I don't want to add to your anxiety. I'm only telling you this because it is a possibility and there may be a need for you to get tested (STDs).

Please take care of yourself.

How do I go about finding IC and MC? Any ideas for an ego boost for him?

I'm not trying to rugsweep, I'm just updating the status since everyone on this thread has been so helpful! I agree boundaries need to be set, I'm trying to determine what they should be, any ideas are much appreciated!

Oh no, I did not mean it in a 2x4 way. I just wanted you to be aware that many WS can appear remorseful at first and we fall all over ourselves to boost them up.

HE SHOULD BE HELPING YOU HEAL. Not the other way around here.

What is he doing to make this better for you?

That makes sense, thank you. I'm surely watching out to see if he's truly remorseful. He keeps asking me what he can do to make this up to me, I said stay in open and honest communication. He deleted the app off his phone. I'm trying to think of what to ask of him, I promise I'm not trying to sweep things under the rug or make excuses for him, I'm just trying to make sense out of the past week!

He should be offering you complete access to his cell phone (call records). Internet history (no deleting it) and email (if he has work email, you should have access to that also).

The biggest thing is NO CONTACT (NC) with any of the APs. Even if it was *just* texting or chatting or whatever. NC.

Some people find they want a timeline of the indiscretion/s. Such as when it started, how often it happened, how many times, why he felt it was OK to betray you in those times, etc.

It isn't his words that will show you his remorse, it is his actions. He is telling you all the right things right now. He just got caught. Its what happens now and in the future.

How did he feel it was OK to get an "ego boost" from total strangers, but not speak to his life partner about it?

Thanks for the tips. I have access to his phone, he doesn't have work email, I have the internet history.

He did message the other women that he will no longer be in contact with them, then deleted everything in front of me. I know he could go do it again, but I will be checking.

I like the idea of a timeline, we did discuss it, maybe I will write it out.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of: he's telling me this now, but what does the future hold next time we argue or he needs an ego boost? I totally agree, why does he need that from strangers and not talk to me?!

((((SDFU))))

You are doing great! You should be proud of yourself.

Your H needs to dig inside himself to work on his self-esteem, usually through IC. You can support his journey through positive affirmation, but by definition self-esteem needs to come from inside yourself.

I found our counselors by asking friends for recommendations. You can try asking your doctor too.

Best of luck!

((((SDFU))))

You are doing great! You should be proud of yourself.

Your H needs to dig inside himself to work on his self-esteem, usually through IC. You can support his journey through positive affirmation, but by definition self-esteem needs to come from inside yourself.

I found our counselors by asking friends for recommendations. You can try asking your doctor too.

Best of luck!

Thank you so much! I'm really trying my best. I truly appreciate all of the support!

You are doing fantastic. Stay strong. Hold him accountable. If there's another Man U trust that values your marriage ask you H to have him as an accountability partner as well. This will help w his boundaries

T/J. Ashland13 I used spokeo for everything. I found out all I needed there to start the search on OW & stuff on him I didn't know. It was worth the $20 annual fee to get what I needed to know & so easy. I even found out her H & parents names & looked them up on FB.

So it's been over a week since I confronted him. He admitted to everything that I had known about, he seems very remorseful, patiently answering my questions, not getting angry, constantly apologizing, doing everything right, etc. I ask all of the time if he's heard from them, he tells me NO and deleted his app/account. I have been checking and have seen nothing. I do believe him, but I can tell he wants to move past this, as do I, but I'm still very hurt. It's a balancing act between being upset and wanting to move forward (even tho it's only been a week!).

It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity.

If he is wanting you to get over it within a week from dday,you have a a problem. It doesn't bode well for your marriage. You shouldn't even be thinking about moving past this yet. Don't rugsweep. he WILL do it again if you do. R is a process...a very long process...and a shit ton of work.

Ok..he deleted the account and the app. What else is he doing to show you he wants to R?

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:25 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

I don't think he is wanting me to get over it IMMEDIATELY, he wants to make things better. I do, too, but I'm still very upset, and he does not get mad when I ask questions.

I was reading on the site here about remorse versus rugsweeping, and he definitely is showing remorse. He expresses sorrow, shows compassion, takes full responsibility, etc. I can see/feel/sense how awful he feels about everything. I'm still checking everything even tho I do believe him, I'm not going to be naïve about this. I'm just at a loss lately.

Is he going to IC to figure out his "why?"

Has he given you a timeline yet?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts,computers,and cell phones? Do you have the passwords?

I understand you feel lost. The first few months are agonizingly painful. You just need to get through each day and try to stay sane. It will get better,with time,hard work,and remorse.

You said he has admitted to everything you knew about.....what about the things you do NOT know about? Very,very rarely does a BS find everything in the beginning..and very rarely does the WS admit everything. I'd start asking him what it is you dont know..tell him if he will admit to the things you don't know,it will help to rebuild trust.

My WH told me for 2.5 years of "R" that I knew everything..swore on our children and everything...then dropped a TT bomb on me..a whole other PA/AP that took place a few months prior to the one I discovered on dday#1. This..after he swore I knew everything.

Ask him to take a polygraph...then follow through with it.

He needs to figure out why he needs the ego boost, and fix that. If that means IC then he needs to do that.

Dont know who to go to? Talk to your Dr, your church, and your friends, do a google search on who is in your area.

Consider MC too. He needs to learn better coping skills.

It sounds as though he really get it, which is VERY unusual. So that's why many of us are hinting at proceeding with caution.

I would definitely stay in spy mode, this would include a VAR in his vehicle, and a keylogger on the computer. When you continue to find nothing then you know he really is on the right track.

((((and strength))))

That's exactly what I'm afraid of: he's telling me this now, but what does the future hold next time we argue or he needs an ego boost? I totally agree, why does he need that from strangers and not talk to me?!

I can tell you why. It is a very twisted way of thinking. It is like my WH. He grew up in an severely abusive family. Both his mother and father abused him mentally, emotionally and physically. He was told almost every day of his life he was worthless and he internalized those voices.

Now he has an internal dialogue going all the time telling him he is worthless. I, his wife, could tell him he was wonderful, but in his mind it either didn't count because I had to say that as it was expected of me OR he would tell himself I wouldn't love him if I knew what a worthless person he was.

So he couldn't look to me for the ego stroking. And eventually I actually became a trigger for him. He felt he was worthless as a family member and I represented our family.

OW on the other hand was a complete stranger and in his warped thinking if she said he was wonderful it HAD to be true because she was not EXPECTED to say that.

So boom, he starts getting the ego strokes of someone telling him he is sexy and wonderful and brilliant. Doesn't matter what she is like. Because now he feels awful about himself for his behavior, he turns back to her to hear how wonderful he is and relieve the guilt.

Self-perpetuating cycle.