SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Affair and marriage are two different things.

Yes. 20 paragraphs later and that sums up my opinion very nicely!

I know sentences can come off snarky or sarcastic in type - I'm genuinely tickled because that's just what I was trying to say with all my words.

I think it's semantics. I think some people are talking about OW as people, and I think others are thinking about OW in terms of their marriage, that's all.

I find myself to be equally irritated by the statement that AP made no vows to me.

Though I don't think I would characterize it as "Wayward" thinking.

I would characterize it as having a boundary recognition problem.

People who blow through boundaries the way they blow through stop signs, when they clearly know the rules and what is expected in our civilized society are responsible to uphold those rules...even when no one is looking.

We all get an equal share in the rules, rights and responsibilities of our society.

I don't need a vow from an AP in a society that recognizes a marital contract. And that is exactly why that statement rubs me the wrong way. They do have an obligation to me as a member of this society.

If they are aware of that contract and take action against it....I consider it to be intentional interference. I believe that the expectations of a marital contract are common knowledge. What good is any type of contract if there are no protections from third party intentional interference? And we all know how much damage that particular contract breach inflicts.

I definitely apply the 100%/100% rule. My contract with my husband is/was recognized by the whole of society and MOW is part of that society. They both took action to break that contract. My problem was that I was under the impression that I wasn't the only one, respecting that contract.

I can determine the source of the hurt and still choose to focus on R and healing. I also believe that the lack of justice or repayment to the BS on the part of the AP, contributes to the prolonged sense of anger. These types of comments feel dismissive of the damage inflicted on the BS by the AP because it omits their contribution to the pain.

I'm not willing to focus my energy on AP at this stage, as we need all the energy we can muster up to aid in the healing process. R and healing has absolutely nothing to do with where I lay the blame/responsibility of my injuries. I know exactly where to lay the blame. I just can't spend time trying to find justice from every party. I also can't expect that others will validate or acknowledge that pain. I know each person's role in my injury, and that's going to have to be good enough for me, or I will find myself sorely disappointed.

Excellent post refuz2bavictim! Thanks for sharing your perspective.

In any case: isn't "wayward thinking" an oxymoron?

I agree with the perspective of not wasting time being angry with OW when it is WH who made vows and betrayed me. If I knew who she was, I might feel differently. I believe I met her but only because I believe she was at a party where she put her panties in my WH's pocket and I was at the same party. A Christmas party celebrating 10 years of our business where WH made a toast about how he couldn't have done it without me. I probably met her at other firm events but I know very few of the firm employees. I've met them at firm parties and picnics, I remember very few. I'll never attend another firm event and neither will WH. His partners have the events anyway. They are gutter sucking slime. They knew me and betrayed me. OW, she knew of me but would have only met me in passing. It's not like we were ever friends. If a friend was involved, or even an aquaintance I remembered having a conversation with, I'd be more angry with them. I guess I would take it more personally. As it is, she doesn't matter to me anymore than any other woman who had an A with any other WH. She may be a skank but it's nothing I take personally. I may even hate her but not in the same way I hate the people who knew me and betrayed me. Does that make sense?

isn't "wayward thinking" an oxymoron?

..refuz2b's post is right on the mark..

and is exactly why i'm so pissed at the AP.

..as my bf, starting in Boy Scouts..we did share an oath, and as friends thru HS we shared a bond..

..and attending our wedding, he had an obligation to be a supporter of our marriage.

..his conscious pursuit of my gf/wife was a complete violation of all the trust i gave him, based on 25 years of friendship..

he most certainly ignored any and all boundaries in the calculated corruption of my very naive gf.. cleverly convincing her to 'get some more experience with other guys and offering himself up to be the first one she could 'experiment with!

People who blow through boundaries the way they blow through stop signs, when they clearly know the rules and what is expected in our civilized society are responsible to uphold those rules...even when no one is looking.

..his arrogance and sense of self-entitlement, to use my wife just for oral sex was simply selfish and cruel.

..he knew exactly what he was doing.. no love, no infatuation, no romance, no fog..just the lust for sexual gratification at any cost.

I also believe that the lack of justice or repayment to the BS on the part of the AP, contributes to the prolonged sense of anger.

I relate totally to this. I now realize that he was never my friend, all the while, I was being one to him.

..i suspect he could care less about the damage to my marriage or the damage to my wife and me after i caught him. His focus became simply damage control in his own second marriage. He probably never gave me a second thought.

That is, until he learned he had his brain tumor and was going to die. I'll bet he thought of me then!!!

Facing the 'ultimate' consequences for his evil actions had to have been on his mind as his final months ticked by.

I know exactly where to lay the blame.

..he orchestrated the whole thing.. my gf/wife was compliant to his very pursuasive and charming personality.

He simply talked her into doing his bidding or should i say 'sucking'..

Yes, I blame the AP in this case; - my wife was in many ways his victim. She also had boundary recognition problems, no doubt.

..and of course it was the late 60's.. the sexual revolution

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Ahhh. Boundaries are a never ending subject in my house. Most of my boundaries are to protect from outside forces - I guess I was so worried about keeping those propped up that it didn't occur to me I needed them enforced in our marriage. I no longer assume he knows where they are and where his need to be to meet my requirements to continue in our M. Sure is amazing to me the assumptions we each have erroneously made over the years. Lots of miles to go.

refuz2bavictim said exactly what I was thinking, but would never have been able to articulate! Thank you