SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Quick Question

During your affair, did you ever feel that it would be a deal breaker for your BW when she found out?

Regarding the 'til death do you part angle: remember that it doesn't depend solely on you alone. I think (and SandAway can correct me if I'm wrong) that this is part of what she meant by the cockiness of those words.

I had only been married a couple of years when I cheated. However, I was unbelievably arrogant. I thought I was such a prize and that being married to my XH was a lock as long as I wanted him, no matter what I did. Boy, were my eyes opened in a big way. Not only did he divorce me after my adultery was discovered, but once we began reconciling 2 years after the D, he brought many more criticisms/complaints (non-infidelity related) from our married life to light.

I was humbled by that conversation. Obviously by that point I had long since grasped that my cheating had been the final nail in the coffin of my marriage...but I had been quite blind to the majority of the other nails that had been put in before I was unfaithful, by other behaviors that I had just tossed aside as simply "who I am," take it or leave it. It was an eye-opener to see that, far from the great catch I thought I was, I really wasn't "all that" and didn't have him on the string all that while as I thought I did.

That's a very long-winded way of saying, you need to be very careful in believing you've got your marriage in the bag. We all went into it with intentions of forever, but it requires constant work and attention.

Sandaway:

I think somehow I felt I would be forgiven if caught. We were jarred from a marital lull, and though I might like to think I strayed because of the lull, I realize our lull became worse when I did stray. The energy I was too lazy to point at our marriage was projected into the broken vessel that was my and my affair partner's sham connection. You keep pouring water into a bucket that has a hole in the bottom, and it just won't fill...

She's an incredibly intelligent, accomplished, and self-assured women. She doesn't need anyone else on this planet to help her feel good about herself, and a big part of her recovery from learning of my betrayal of her was knowing she doesn't need me to in anyway to complete her. She's strong at the core, and her moral compass is unfailing. Kind of begs the question of why she married me?!? Well, maybe I'm not completely the profoundly selfish and delusional jerk I sound like. And I'm going back to the drawing board to map out a better me, which she deserves, and our better us is already happening (this thread to the contrary).

Your BW is in a fog of her own. She believes at this point she can love you back into your M. When she starts to realize that OMG, he really did cheat on me, and not only that, he has spent a long time mourning that woman. Be prepared, there is nothing quite like the anger of a BS that has come to realize what the WS has been dishing out.

@heartbroken:

All evidence to the contrary, we have, in a parallel track, been nurturing and building a better us. I do appreciate your words.

Why do you think you strayed?

@tired girl.

She's been Eyes Wide Open since D-day. Don't picture a doormat. We have spoken in length regarding my feelings toward my ex-AP. Reading this thread tonight will not be a revelation to her. Some of those paths toward a solution that I need to (obviously) generate within myself have been suggested by her, patiently and lovingly, and verified by in numerous ways by nearly every respondent in this thread.

I get it...a bunch of you will be thinking "That little guy is about to drop into a hole and he doesn't even see it coming". Understood and fair enough. In a testament to the committment and strength of my wife, she still loves me, believes in me, and is showing me what unconditional love is. That's not weakness. That's strength...

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 3:51 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

I noticed that in your profile Dday was in 2012. Please don't assume that just because your BW has not left so far that she will remain. Some BS's decide it's a dealbreaker in days or months and some take years. Don't assume she won't leave. Many BS's stuggle for a long time and many are in shock for a long time and can't face what has happened. I don't know your BS but if you are still having problems mentally letting go of your AP this far removed from DDay then you have alot of work to do. Your BS may not outwardly show it but she likely KNOWS that you aren't mentally all in, even if it's just in her GUT. If you have hidden your feelings for the AP so well that she doesn't know you still have them then you still aren't giving her the truth.

You are here asking about how to let go though so listen to the people that have been there and done that and come out the other side.

ETA: I just saw your post that your BS knows about your struggles with letting go. My post still stands. Don't assume she won't walk out the door next week, next month or next year. Keep working on you and I wish you both the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:57 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

@tiredgirl: Why did I stray?

I think a big part of it was my fragil male ego. A part was the new relationship energy. And a part of it because I am broken inside in places I need to address. I will be doing just that vigorously, and with the support of my wife, moving forward.

Yes, I cheated on a beautiful (seriously), smart, sexy accomplished woman of character and depth. And I did so with a much lesser woman. Yup...I'm nucking futs.

7Years: Appreciate your post.

In a testament to the committment and strength of my wife, she still loves me, believes in me, and is showing me what unconditional love is. That's not weakness. That's strength...

Ya, see I don't see that so much. A healthy person doesn't stay while another person is in love with someone else. They detach, love themselves enough to tell you to go fix your shit and come back when you are healthy.

I'm getting a bit tired of reading the justifications in your posts because you have a few.

And a hug or two every 10 excorciating posts or so might be nice, also.

Why? What have you done or said that makes sympathy the thing to give you? We're not going to pat you on the back and say it will be okay.

Also stop with the I'm just a small a*hole not a big one thing. Your a cheater, liar and more then a bit selfish. The letter to AP yea the thought should never have been there let alone carried out. The thought that your wife will honor her vows even though you did not astounds me. You knew while cheating she'd probably forgive you so is that why you've made mo actual changes? You were not special to AP get that through your head. You fed her ego kibbles and she gobbled them up and she did the same for you. It's to the point where you still need them and have not learned how to give yourself what you get from others. In a way you're getting it from your BW because she's willing to just let you do what you need if it helps your closure. Give me a break. When she finally hits her anger and OMG moment you're in for a rude awakening. Back to the vows part though why is till death do we part more important to uphold then pledging your love and fidelity? More important then the words what god has brought together let no man tears asunder? I don't know if you had a religious ceremony but most have vows of fidelity and you already broke that. Why do you think she doesn't have the right to turn and leave when you already broke the vows?

I will be interested in what your W has to say after reading the thread. I wish you both the best tonight, this shit ain't easy.

Sometimes, when the BS is emotionally, mentally, and physically strong they tire of a formerly WS's reluctance to focus inward and heal themselves. Eventually patience can turn into indifference and simple tolerance.

Contrary to outward appearances, sometimes, you don't have all the time in the world to get yourself together. What was tolerated prior to the affair might not be good enough, anymore. In other words that lull you speak of might be because of your unwillingness, or inability, to be truly vulnerable with yourself, and with your BW. Now that she knows you chose to fulfill your fragile ego outside the M she may decide that you have a lot to accomplish BESIDES helping her heal from your betrayal.

Don't take her for granted, as you did with sending that note to your ex-AP, without input from her first!

Wow...just wow...

I am not sure where to start. Sorry if this sounds harsh but there was no stop sign so here goes...

You expect an apology from the OW who was married and having numerous affairs? Why do you think you deserve an apology from anyone? She owes you nothing.

Your affair was based on lies and deceit. Nothing was based on honesty and truth.

If anything YOU owe her husband an apology for knowingly getting involved with his wife. She owes your wife an apology for getting involved with you.

You're hurt because your lying, cheating, lover wasn't honest with you?

I truly am not trying to be cavalier but wow you must have some ego.

And one thing I thought I would receive, but never have, is some sort of apology from my AP for what she did to me...lied, and ultimately threw me under the bus when her husband caught her due to her other connections with men.

Duh. You were recreational pleasure for her. And your feelings are hurt?

You are still in the fog and pining after the feelings you had with this woman.

Get to IC, get your head out of your butt and start to put all of your time and emotion into your wife, who is a much better woman than me because if my WH would project this bullshit on to me his ass would be kicked to the curb.

This is not about YOU anymore this is about you making it right for your wife. Get over yourself.

She's an incredibly intelligent, accomplished, and self-assured women. She doesn't need anyone else on this planet to help her feel good about herself, and a big part of her recovery from learning of my betrayal of her was knowing she doesn't need me to in anyway to complete her. She's strong at the core, and her moral compass is unfailing. Kind of begs the question of why she married me?!?

Regardless of how smart and accomplished she is - she is still human. You betrayed her and now you are wanting her to help you heal because your lover wasn't honest with you? Completely selfish of you. Don't disregard her feelings just because she is "strong" - it doesn't minimize what you have done.

Please please please get into IC. Wake up before your arrogant selfishness does drive your wife away. At some point, you aren't going to be worth it.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:26 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

In a testament to the committment and strength of my wife, she still loves me, believes in me, and is showing me what unconditional love is.

Nobody is saying otherwise. My husband is still committed, strong, and loves me. Doesn't mean that potholes and road blocks ain't in the future.

We are just warning you. One day Dude. One day she's going to wake up out of the shock that has been her life the past few months and it's going to hit her like a ton of bricks. "OMG. He fucked another woman."

I don't care how saintly and perfect a BS is (and trust me, I did my fair share of crowing about how awesome my husband has been thru this process) they can and will snap in the fraction of a second when you least expect it. And I am seeing that more now. It's not pretty. And my heart is shredded because I did this to him. Four times. And I can't take any of it back.

My husband tried to love me back. Every single time. He tried doing everything within his power to make his baby happy. But I was a black hole. Swallowing up everything like a vacuum. Leaving nothing but destruction in my path, and feeling empty. After the 3rd A, he threw up his hands and shut down on me. I had my 4th A. The light finally clicked on in my head. There wasn't anything wrong with him. It was me. And when I started digging in, he saw just how horribly broken I was, and how deep it ran. It scared him. It scared me.

This process of R has been a ton of major work for me. I have done everything. Not saying that to toot my horn. Just reality. He knew I was broken and he was done fixing me. It was time for me to put my money where my mouth was. That's what I've been working on for 20 months.

Now, I could have had my 4th A and we could have been all, "Ohhhh, I love you. Let's just pretend this whole mess didn't happen. We'll love each other more and hold each other tighter. M'k?" Just pretend it didn't happen. Pretend I'm not broken. Classic rugsweeping. And sure rugsweeping can work. For a while. Till someone trips on the edge of the carpet and all that crap underneath blows up in everyone's face causing a reaction that would rival Downtown's 4th of July fireworks display.

And a hug or two every 10 excorciating posts or so might be nice, also.

Why? Hug yourself. You put yourself in this mess, now figure it out and learn to love/accept yourself.

Will we encourage you and hold the flashlight up so you can see the cobwebs? Sure. Coddle you in the process? Not so much. That mindset is what brought you here in the first place.

BTW, go read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Read up on boundaries. You'll be needing those.

You have been given some straight up and experienced advice. Head it well. You've received a lot of attention today from wayward and betrayed alike because your thought processes and logic are flawed. It has struck a nerve. Digest it all.

I can assure you that in the back of your wife's mind she knows that you have given her a 'get out of jail free' card. Don't assume anything. Her patience will come to an end eventually if you don't work on yourself and stop the obsessing over the AP. If she is as strong and loving as you state, I would assume her standards and expectations are a lot higher than you can fully comprehend right now. Quite frankly, she deserves better. It seems like you want to give her better and for that I commend you. Stop making excuses and assumptions.

I wish you and your wife well as you go through all of this tonight. I'd love to hear how it goes.

I do commend you for being here and posting without a stop sign.

But, I agree with Unagie.

Please stop with the 'whoa me, I understand and I am over it' saga...

It goes waaay beyond a few people telling you it's wrong to feel the way you explained in your first post. You had a lot of stuff there, yet now your seem to be over it...

Seriously - read your own profile:

Once upon a time, a cheater got cheated on...and caught. Thus, I'm what I like to think of as a WS/BC (Wayward Spouse/Betrayed Cheater). You know what they say about Karma...

D-Day: Spring 2012 (both my infidelity, and my learning my affair partner had cheated on me).

Where is FRM when he is really needed to knock some good 2x4's around?!?!?!

[This message edited by SandAway at 4:32 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

The way that you are going on and on about your BW is really concerning me. It's almost as if you're using some sort of reverse psychology on her.

You talk about how amazing and great she is. How strong she is. How loving and committed she is.

I imagine that she probably IS all of those things. But I'm running into problems with your constant proclamations. It almost seems as if you are setting some type of *standard* or expectation and she is put in the position of having to *be* that *great saint* of a woman that you 'see' her as.....because if she ISN'T *those* things, then she is the opposite. Weak, uncaring, uncommitted, unforgiving.

It may not be your intention, but it's coming across to me as more-than-just-a-little manipulative......

JD - One thing that I don't think anyone has brought up yet... once your AP was caught, she might have given her BH all of her email and social networking passwords. In that case, her BH could have very well gotten that email that you sent to her as well.

I think it's a good thing that you stay NC first and foremost for your wife, and secondly for your safety. If your AP's BH read that email, I'm sure he was not happy about it. You never know what people are going to do in a situation like this.

Good luck to you, and keep posting/reading.