SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

wert nailed it.

Up or down is just a way for us to lay down some judgement. Feed our sense of entitlement or our insecurities. It is a unhealthy way for us to try to make sense of what we did or what happened to us.

Thanks to the BS's for weighing in here. I can only imagine how it makes my BS feel to hear me say "Yes, I affaired down. In every possible way. With a broken, sad, lying, cheating xAP. Oh, and by the way, I am also a broken, sad, lying, and cheating husband."

My BW must wonder "Great, glad to hear that. And it's SOOOO nice to know that for more than two years you chose this limited, broken, cheating liar of an xAP over me, and your family."

If there is an explanation or excuse that is valid in terms of replying to how a BS must feel about their spouse "Affairing Down", I haven't seen it yet. It becomes more apparent every day how sad, damaged and broken I am...and how much I want to change that ugly truth.

In general I agree with the notion that having an A speaks to flaws in both the WS and the AP. As a BS, I believe that after Dday in many cases the blow to a BS's self esteem can be so hard that tearing down the AP or comparing is a kneejerk but normal reaction. Many BS's are conflicted, upset, confused and want to lash out and instead of focusing on our WS or ourselves, we focus on the 3rd party, the AP. It took awhile but I eventually got to a point where I realized that the AP was irrelevant and I focused on my WW. Whether she A'd down or up no longer mattered. What mattered was whether she had the ability to do the work to resolve her issues. When I realized she couldn't I finally started focusing on me and I filed. I don't consider myself any better or worse than my STBXW. I didn't have an A but I had work to do on myself, codep and FOO stuff. I healed and moved on from all of it and the only difference between me and her was I had the courage to work through and change things about myself that I wasn't happy with.

I agree with Wert. At the end of the day whether someone A's down isn't as important as digging into the reason someone has an A in the first place.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:12 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

BS here...

First off, I have to say I'm really impressed by the WS's on here.

My AP was a college graduate, works in IT, owns a music studio, is a polished singer/musician, has soft hands, and dresses in a suit every day. Yeah....so?

My husband managed to graduate from high school and earned a degree from the School of Hard Knocks. He is a self employed blue collar Dude. His hands are calloused. All he has known his whole life is hard, physical labor. He rarely wears a suit, even on a Sunday.

I still affaired down. None of the "details" matter. My AP knew I was married. He still chose to cheat with me on our spouses. I don't care if the guy is a freaking rocket scientist. He's still broken.

There is no gender difference. Any person that will choose to have an affair always affairs down. Period.

This is how I'm trying to look at it. Rather than obsessing over how much thinner/prettier/bigger breasted/better educated OW was (although I have to point out she's thinner than me- and that's the only thing... ) I'm trying to focus on the fact that it happened and it makes no difference WHO the AP was.Easier said then done, of course.

As many of you have said on here, in much better ways then me - both parties have something broken, or missing.