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HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 3:31 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
Her friend blocked me on fb and continued friends with OM and my FWW. WOW! Who can you trust right? So it's up to FWW to stand up for our M and do or say something.
Time to ask FWW if her friendship with "friend" is more important than her M, and begin taking appropriate actions to defog her.
Don't wanna shake things up without a serious cause.
You posted here that you're concerned about OM's FB behavior. Isn't that serious cause enough? Get OM's BW into the loop. Who cares if it shakes things up in their home, he is already doing it in your home...he should feel some of the same pain he is causing by lurking on FB.
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 9:40 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]
Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley
2married2quit (original poster member #36555) posted at 3:54 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
You posted here that you're concerned about OM's FB behavior. Isn't that serious cause enough? Get OM's BW into the loop. Who cares if it shakes things up in their home, he is already doing it in your home...he should feel some of the same pain he is causing by lurking on FB.
It is something that I'm considering. What I told FWW is that she needs to tell her friends that to remain her friends on FB, they have to unfriend him. It's up to FWW to stand up for our M. She's a rugsweeper and doesn't like to rock the boat, but this isn't my fault. This is the consequence of her actions. I just need to stand firm on it.
BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 ( she's a childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
She had 2 affairs with two different men.
Status: divorced.
HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 4:00 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
If you tell OM's BW, it might get so bad for him at home that he will drop out of FB, and your problem is solved. Right now, you are doing all the work.
Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley
2married2quit (original poster member #36555) posted at 4:03 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
If you tell OM's BW, it might get so bad for him at home that he will drop out of FB, and your problem is solved. Right now, you are doing all the work.
FUCK! I'll start a shit storm in my home and his. Seriously...I'm not sure it's worth it. It may open a can of warms that I do not want to deal with right now. It's been 9 months since my last contact with OM. I can't do it.
BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 ( she's a childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
She had 2 affairs with two different men.
Status: divorced.
simpleD ( new member #40321) posted at 4:17 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
IMHO you & your fWW should deactivate your FB account... OR you may need "unfriend" your fWW's friend who is friends with the OM.
If you are not on FB it may be easier for you to move on and not obsess about the photos that you can no longer see. Maybe your fWW just shouldn't take any photos with this friend moving forward.
If you decide to keep FB, I do like the idea of filling your FB with all the happy photos of you & fWW, as a couple in R. In my case I'm still afraid to re-open a path onto the slippery slope that FB can be. My fWH was obsessed with it so we both deleted our FB accounts as one of my conditions for R.
Best of luck. It's a journey.
BS(me)48; WH 49
High School Sweethearts
Together 32 years
Married 25 years
DD, 20 years
Dday 8/11
In Recovery
2married2quit (original poster member #36555) posted at 5:03 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
Considering it. It's unfortunate since I enjoyed FB. Got to keep in touch with distant family and old friends.
If you decide to keep FB, I do like the idea of filling your FB with all the happy photos of you & fWW, as a couple in R
I've thought of this, but didn't want the FWW to think I'm obsessing over her. She's fallen off my "amazing wife" pedestal for now.
BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 ( she's a childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
She had 2 affairs with two different men.
Status: divorced.
Silentthoughts ( member #40289) posted at 5:30 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
I am a ww. I gave up my FB account. I resented having to do it initially because i didn't think it had anything to do with my situation but bh insisted and it was a trigger for him so I am glad now I did. You can actually suspend the account and not completely delete it. One day I may reactivate it but that will be something my bh and I will decide together. I just told my friends I was concerned with privacy issues and was taking a break for a while. As a WS you give things up you don't want to do but the m is more important, IMHO.
WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.
2married2quit (original poster member #36555) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
Silentthoughts - Thank you for your thoughts. Wishing you the best.
BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 ( she's a childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
She had 2 affairs with two different men.
Status: divorced.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:42 PM on Thursday, August 29th, 2013
2m2q,
I think you need that shit storm at home. This is a big issue for you, with good reason. It a source of conflict between you and your W. Why, in the name of all that's good and wise, are you trying to avoid it? (I say 'trying to avoid', which is the same as 'failing to avoid', because you're certainly not succeeding in avoiding it.')
You both have to stand up for your M. You have to stand up for yourself.
2m2q, You are better than this. You are stronger than you think. You've got an issue. Bring it up. Resolve it. It'll be good for both of you and for your M, as well.
If your W chooses FB over you, well, that would be awful - but the sooner you know, the sooner you can improve your sitch. Don't let your W hold you back. Don't let her hurt you any more.
************************
If this were going on in om's household, would you want his W to tell you about the A?
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:48 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
2married2quit (original poster member #36555) posted at 8:57 PM on Thursday, September 12th, 2013
So he has befriended all her friends from the old job and apparently OBS doesn't know or give a shit I think. WTF?
I guess all guys kinda leave a back door open in case there's a possibility. Watch out ladies, guys never really give up the cake.
BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 ( she's a childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
She had 2 affairs with two different men.
Status: divorced.
bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 12:30 AM on Friday, September 13th, 2013
Stillgoing's response on page 1 is still, like, my favorite SI response ever.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:32 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
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