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Her rationale is along these lines.....I shouldn't be focusing on the affair partner. My focus should be on the issues in our marriage that even allowed her to be in the place to need support from another man.

This is blame shifting at its finest.

You have every right to define your deal breakers.

One of mine was to know the OW's name and how and where they met. At first he didn't want to tell me and I said "fine we are done".

I am curious to why your wife can't provide you with this information. It is absolutely her information to share.

She cares more for protecting this OM than your feelings or need to know in order to move on. RED FLAG.

I think she knows enough about me that if I find out she is still lying that we are done for good.

Gently, no she doesn't believe this because she is still calling all of the shots. She is making this about you, your marriage vs. the fact that she chose to cheat on you. She chose to go outside the marriage. She isn't ready to reveal her AP or be honest with herself or with you.

You need to set some boundaries and one would be to know this man's name NOW. If she can be honest about that then nothing she says should be believed.

She regrets she was caught but she is not remorseful. She is not putting you first and there is no way R is possible until that happens.

Sorry you are here but as many have stated, you have to not only do the 180 but start demanding some honesty as part of your ability to stay with her.

Stand your ground. Good luck. Hugs and prayers.

she has to tell you. no more lies and secrets, you deserve to know and she needs to not protect him, YOU are suppose to be number one!

good luck and i pray she gives you the answers you deserve.

you wont be able to move on not knowing, thats the worst part. you will go crazy and look at every man and wonder if thats him..

My focus should be on the issues in our marriage that even allowed her to be in the place to need support from another man.

I know this has already been addressed in this thread but I must reiterate -

This is a bunch of bullshit. This is textbook WS talk. It's so textbook that it is quoted on the cover of the WS handbook.

My suggestion is: increase your surveillance: key loggers, VAR. Give an ultimatum and ask for all info.

Tom-

I will bet my next paycheck on the following;

1- Your wife is screwig the guy. If she says EA its a PA. Waywards always lie and minimize. ALWAYS. Your wife is not special. Start reading, almost all of these stories are the same.

2- The OM is married- she is protecting him. Over you!

Wy do you think it is just an EA? She told you that?? LOL. DUDE, she is a liar!!! Get that in your head. Believe nothing she says, only what you see ad can verify.

All of your instincts here are wrong. You are basing your decisions on lies and deciet. The only chance you have to save your marriage is to blow this wide open. Go online, google "retrieve deleted texts iphone", it is easy to do off of the backup file. Most likely you will get what you need as far as proof.

If not, put a VAR under her seat with velcro tape. The VAR in the car took 1 day to catch my WW. You must demand NC and that she change jobs. She has no respect for you. As long as you are her bitch this will continue. Stand up to her. Get yourself an STD test and demand she do the same.

DO NOT DISCLOSE your source of info (VAR/ deleted texts). I made this mistake. I figured I had all I needed. WRONG. You will have to monitor your wife for weeks to VERIFY NC. If you give up your sources, she can take it underground more easily.

And most importantly, you must expose the affair to the OM's wife. This will end the affair. Affairs are like vampires, they thrive in the dark. The light kills them. Do NOT tell your wife you are going to expose, she will give her OM a heads up. But you need proof. Get it.

I am sorry man, trust me , I know how you feel. Eat right if you can and try to sleep. Good luck.

[This message edited by slater13 at 12:47 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]