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Oh, yea, ok. That makes sense.... Your IC seems pretty sharp. What a gift that is.

If it wasn't OW1 or OW2, 3, 4, 5, 6 etc. I will eat my shoe.

I'll agree with you on this one, and join you by eating my hat!

She is definitely either an OW, or an almost OW that got jilted by him.

Most people would not call a BS like this, if they didn't know him. Some might, I could be wrong, but I would think most would not. There was a male coworker of mine who was openly having an affair. His SAHM BS had no idea. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to tell her, but I didn't have the nerve, so I had someone from SI call his wife and tell her. I could never imagine calling and chit-chatting. My instincts tell me she has to be an OW.

Fwiw PL, the way I stay NC isn''t strength of will, detachment, disinterest or even perfection (why hello there fellow sufferer!), it is purely the recognition that if I contact him and am nice, he''ll think "why see there, I''m not such a bad guy after all" or if I contact him and am mean, then he''ll say "why see there, cayc is a bitch so I deserved happiness and she deserved what I did to her, so I''m not such a bad guy after all". This is the only thing in my power to do, to not give him the platform to think what he did was ok. By not contacting him ever, by never responding to his Attempts to contact me, he is left with the most cutting thing someone can do to someone else, ignoring them.

If you try and contact him, it gives him the power to ignore you, and trust me, he knows this. Don't give him that power.

[This message edited by cayc at 10:33 AM, September 14th, 2013 (Saturday)]

I'm working really hard to get to a place of indifference because I think if I can genuinely get there, I have a better chance of moving forward without concern for his choices and outcomes... but also, naturally, it gives me a better chance at moving on myself.

Unfortunately I don't believe you can force indifference. I think it is achieved by a combination time, acceptance and working on yourself.

Be gentle with yourself through the downswings and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get there.

((PL))

Okay, maybe this needs it's own post-- but I've decided to write this coworker/OW(?) an email. I give her the benefit of the doubt that she is who she says she is in it... but I do warn her. Let me know what you think:

Dear “[COW]”,

Before I say anything else, I just want to reiterate that I am so touched and grateful for your message and phone call on Thursday. You sound like such a lovely person and it makes me terribly sad that we never got to work together and/or meet.

That said, after speaking with you, I realized that talking about with happened with [WS] with someone “new” who is actually out there and interacting with him causes me to relive the pain that his actions caused. I’m sure you can only imagine how traumatizing this whole experience has been and I’ve been working really hard to move past everything. I think for my own emotional well-being, I need to be very careful about allowing myself to be drawn back into his world. He is simply no longer someone who is good for me.

You did, however, confirm my suspicions about what continues to go on out there—including the creation of a revisionist history that I believe is largely his attempt at self-preservation (for the record, it’s a narrative that is not working with anyone outside of [X] who knows what really happened). In some sense, that has given me some relief. It is clear he is no longer my problem; he has found a way to live with his actions and has found someone in this other woman to fill the role of his caretaker. For that, I am very grateful to you.

It sounded to me as if you feel invested in him and his well-being. In many ways he is a very charming, sweet and fundamentally good person. In many ways, as I’ve discovered the hard way, he is a conflicted and avoidant person with a history of ultimately hurting those who care about him the most. Again, I’m not even the first person he has done this to (a red flag I shouldn’t have ignored). My advice to you is please trust your instincts about him. Your instincts are good. For my part, I knew very early on something was off about him, but I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt… for years. Once I had built a life around him and his promises, it was too late. I began catching him in lies about other women last summer, but accepted his excuses and continued to trust him. It basically took catching him red-handed for him to finally come clean about his double life. And the charitable thing to say about how he has handled things since I found out is that he hasn’t treated me (or my family and our friends) with very much respect. My suspicion is that someone like [X] might be able to confirm this overall impression of him.

It is difficult for me to say these things to you. Frankly, I remain pretty conflicted about telling/confirming the truth of the situation (my resignation letters for [X] were quite a feat—my [X] actually helped me write them so I could capture that [WS]’s actions had forced my hand and left me no choice, without actually coming out and saying that he was cheating!). But I don’t have the energy to obscure the truth anymore and he has given me no reason to have an interest in helping him preserve the façade he has constructed. So if someone asks, I’m simply honest. I don’t know what else to do and the burdens he has left me with are heavy enough without adding on the need to continue to play his game.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t say that my heart isn’t the only one he has broken—it kills me to watch my parents cry, to watch my friends cry, to hold my goddaughter while she asks me why she’s never going to see her Uncle [X] again. Those are the only moments when I think I can understand why he has abandoned us all. If given the choice to walk away and start over, or have to face the damage you have caused, starting over seems so much cleaner, easier. It’s must be so much easier not to have to face yourself. I don’t get that luxury.

Thank you again for reaching out and for your offer of friendship. As you may know, I am friends with [X] and so perhaps there will come a time when our paths will cross and I will be in a better place to open myself up to you.

Take care,

-- [BS]

Don't send this, you don't know who she is or what her angle is.

It gives too many details, put it in your journal and keep it to yourself.

If you feel the need to communicate keep it short and factual.

"Thank you for your concern and contact. Given the situation I do not feel it appropriate to continue the conversation. Kind regards PL"

or something along those lines.

and fundamentally good person.

Also be careful of this thinking. He is NOT a fundamentally good person. He lies, abuses and runs away from conflict. Keeping yourself in this mind frame may slow your healing. Look at what he has done, look at his actions and be honest with yourself. If you did what he has done would you think you were a good person?

You're right. And I struggle with that.

It's going to be edited out of the email. :)

Now onto editing it out of my mind!

Oh Dear Lord...!

PLEASE DO NOT SEND THAT MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!

None of it. Don't send anything. You will rue the day you send a message like this. I urge you, I'm jumping up & down exhorting you, do not send this or any other message.

You are not this woman's mommy, auntie, sister or BFF. You owe her nothing. She is a grown-ass adult. She can live her own life. Stop trying to protect her. Furthermore, this is exactly the kind of letter that would end up on your STBX's lawyer's desk. You do not want that.

Girlfriend, please. Turn your attention on yourself. Work on yourself. Let other people live their lives, go through their own hardships, make their own way.

Gently, you need to mind your own business.

THAT is why I posted it here first!

So you would just not respond to her at all...?

Would I respond to her at all, in any way, shape or form?

Do I think YOU should respond to this woman in any way, shape or form???

ROTFL!

I agree NG, no response is best. I figured that the door had been opened slightly already and at least telling her to politely f off might stop further contact on her part.

Examine whether you are trying to get a message to him.

This is a dip in the rollercoaster friend. Hold on tight and brace yourself until it passes. It will pass.

Keep posting - pour it all out here and in your journal. Get it out.

I know you feel weird just poofing on her so I suggest you send her a 2 line text. Something like:

"Thank you for your support. I've decided it is not in my best interests to keep re-living this so I would like to move on. I have tonnes of support IRL and I would like to focus on my support network around me. I trust you will respect my boundaries here." Then crickets to anything else she sends.

Its not rude, its protective.

OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DO NOT SEND THIS!

First, it's not NC with your stbx, bc what you say will be communicated to him.

Second, why are you so insistent on thinking there is something of value in your stbx? He's a complete dirtbag.

Third, why are you insisting on being nice to people who are shitty to you or trying to manipulate you? THIS WOMAN IS AN OW OR A SOON TO BE OW OR A PAST OW. Fuck her.

Really, you need to learn how protect yourself bc right now you're still making it easy for people to hoodwink you. Stop setting yourself up.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do not send that email!!!!!!!

Write it and write many more - but then tear them up before sending them. No good will come of sending that email.

Can you call up a friend instead? Watch a movie? Go for a run? Anything to keep your mind off of this for the rest of the weekend?

I just wanted to reiterate what Nature Girl said - this could end up on your STBX's lawyer's desk. Or in front of a judge! Also, he could sue you for writing to one of his work colleagues!!! He could lose his job now or down the road and blame you for it and come after you in court.

Please do not write ANYTHING to her, even a two-line email that could prove later that you were talking about him to his colleagues.

It's not worth it in any way. Besides, this woman sounds like she has mental problems of her own. Your separation and divorce is NONE OF HER BUSINESS.

I'm not going to do it. And thank you, SI family!

You know, one of my biggest problems is that I always think the best of people and desire for things to be tidy and nice and because I'm always looking to be the best person I can, I assume others are doing the same. In other words, I tend to be gullible.

One of the A#1 issues in IC since DDay has been that my gut told me he was weird when I met him, that his story about the fiancée didn't add up, that something was wrong last summer and I should leave, that something was off before I moved out there. I rationalized and ignored it every time.

My gut is telling me there is something WEIRD going on here. Then I rationalize and think "oh, maybe this woman is just really nice and I should warn her." But my gut!

So I want to treat this as an exercise in what happens when I actually listen to my instincts. My instincts say don't respond any more than I already have. And I want to see what the outcome of that is.

Thanks again for being there for me, guys.

And, if she called me because she's evil and anticipated that I would be vulnerable that evening, that is truly evil. God. Who does that?

hey, look at the bright side. she might be another OW, but you just made shit really complicated for him if that's the case. this could be funny because SHE will trash talk him to everyone at work and you didn't have to lift a finger! He made himself look bad and she's a woman scorned....LOL!!!!