I just got home from work, and read everyone's responses. I'm not in a good place tonight.
One thing I thought about today while driving was that this situation was (sort of) reversed last December. We were talking about getting engaged, and then he asked for no contact in December out of the blue. He said it was because he was depressed, and he needed to be alone to work through it. It crushed me, but I respected his wishes. I never initiated contact with him. I would respond if he messaged me, but I never initiated it. He would periodically once a week ask to see me, and I would agree. Each time I'd get my hopes up, and then he'd say that he needed more time. During those 3 months, he still had us listed as "in a relationship on facebook." There was one Thursday where he asked to see me on a Sunday, and I said yes. He said he would text me on Saturday with a time and location. I waited, and got nothing. I waited all day Sunday too, and got nothing. He completely stood me up. I didn't initiate contact after that though. I didn't delete him from facebook. I didn't lash out at him. I did nothing. He contacted me like 2 days later, and I asked him why. But I never lashed out at him. I respected his wishes for no contact, even though he was continuously playing with my emotions during those three months. I didn't know it at the time, but he was seeing the OW during those months.
The rational part of my brain thinks that me asking for no contact was reasonable. I tried for 6 months to R, and it was all lies. I gave him a strict end point of NC, and I'm not jerking him around by asking to see him and then standing him up. I told him I need a month alone, and then we would talk again.
He made it a week, and everything he did was predictable. He tried sending the emails last night of what his IC said. That didn't work, so he sent a very nice email about respecting my needs. Still no response, so he lashed out and deleted his facebook and GPS tracker. Still no response, so he sent me a text saying that he's hurting. He said in the text that he was just trying to send his girlfriend a sweet email saying that he wanted to see her, and he doesn't see how that's bad. Then he brought his facebook back, sent me an invite on the GPS app again. Nothing since then. Since I haven't responded still, I'm guessing that he's starting to reach the point where he's thinking that I don't care about him anymore. And I'm scared that when he reaches that point, he'll create a dating profile. Or go out with a girl. Or go to a strip club. Or whatever.
Here is the thing, for your wBF to really identify, own, and fix his issues, he has to do it for himself, regardless of you staying or going. He has to not want to be the guy who flirts with OW and has sex in order to feel safe or validated. The difficult internal work to own and address one’s internal issues cannot be done for someone else; it must be done because the individual has a very real desire to be a different and healthier person.
That is exactly the reason why I wanted to do a month apart. He was so focused on lying to me every day about all the things he was doing to fix us. I wanted him to stop worrying about me, and focus on himself. I wanted him to want to be a better person FOR HIMSELF. Instead of spending so much energy trying to pretend to go to counseling, why not just actually go? I thought the NC would be tough love, and force him to actually do the work instead of just lying to me about doing the work.
I was reading old emails from him, and found the old counseling emails. I feel nauseous now reading them. Here's part of one from May about his IC (who I now know didn't actually exist):
So today I went and had another counseling session after work. We talked a lot about what you and your counselor had talked about and what me and you talked about after that. I asked him if he thought I had a personality disorder. He told me that there were good things about my personality and bad things. He said it was the same way with everybody. He told me that everybody has positive strengths and then things they wish they could change about themselves.
I also found out more about the stalking charges that OW filed. He was with me the whole weekend, except for about 6 hours when he went to his dad's house. His email last night said that she showed up the night before that looking for him, and he wasn't where he said he was going to be. I guess she texted him or something, because somehow he found that out. The next day when he left my house, he texted her apologizing for lying. She told him to not contact her again. Then he said that he got a voicemail from a cop warning him to leave her alone. He left her alone until that Monday, and he texted her again apologizing. Two hours later he was arrested.
That hurts me, but is kind of what I suspected. He also admitted finally in the emails last night that he wasn't planning on confessing, but had to after he got arrested. I sort of already assumed that, but he had denied it the past 6 months. He made a big deal out of the fact that he confessed, and said he had done it because he respected me. I think the whole stalking thing really bothers me because I wonder whether he really wanted her, and I'm just second choice. Once she shut him down, did he just go back to me because I was the only thing left? It makes me feel like he didn't actually want me, didn't choose me. I was just his only option.
This is what's happening to you now. I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to be torn in two this way.
I do feel like I'm being torn in half. There's the part of me that is starting to learn about my boundary issues. I'm trying so hard to be strong and actually DO the things that I'm learning. But then there's the part of me that just wants to take away all his hurt. I want to make him feel loved. I want to be there for him. I want to support him. And when he sends me messages saying that he's broken and that he's hurting, I just want to respond so badly. I've probably typed literally 30 emails today to him, and I haven't sent any of them. I feel like my insides are being shredded.
There's also the part of me that's really doubting everything that I'm thinking right now. What if he is really trying, and I'm giving up that opportunity? What if he really has figured stuff out? What if the emails weren't manipulation last night? What if he really is remorseful? What if I'm screwing up something that could be good, if I would just put effort into it now? What if I'm giving up too soon?
However, you have to focus on your fear that he will do something "stupid". You are not in control of anyone. Having the GPS tracker was false confirmation. You have no idea what someone is doing. All someone has to do is leave their phone at home, or in the office, and go do whatever they want.
I know, and this is hard. He sent me an invite for the GPS app again, and I want so badly to accept it. But he can do whatever he wants to regardless of whether I'm monitoring his location or not. I think the scary part is that after the month of NC, he really has no incentive to tell me the truth. So if he has sex with someone during this month, how would I even know? That part really scares me.
I've been reading about boundaries, and I'm learning some good stuff. I know that I usually respond yes out of fear of losing the person. My book says that if a person only stays with you when you do exactly what they want, then it's not a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, the person would be able to tolerate and understand my no.
I feel miserable. I wish there was a way to just turn off all the thoughts in my head. I considered just drinking a lot tonight at home, but that usually makes me more depressed. All these thoughts are going back and forth in my head, and I'm just completely miserable. I don't even want to hang out with friends because it requires too much energy to pretend to be a normal person right now.
My counselor told me last week that I am the most stubborn person that she has ever met for not wanting to give up on a relationship. She also said that I am able to tolerate more emotional pain than anyone she's treated.
I am completely miserable.