SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((Cayc)))

Glad you found out sooner than later, shame you had to in such a horrendous way.

I'm with everyone else on their advice. Stay true to yourself.

I'm sorry this happened to you, cayc.

So gonnabe knows me really well ... she was on the money that I hear what this guy said and start thinking "well hmm ... maybe I was too stressed out and got him going" as in "maybe I caused his napalm attack".

I know it's not true. But it hits at that same place xWH used to get on me for, not being loving enough and constantly flattering him and telling him he was awesome. This guy obviously needed to be hearing something to stay calm and idk what it was but I fret I didn't do it. This is absurd thinking I know but that's where my mind goes.

I'm kind of all over the place about this. Sad. Lonely. Stunned still. And then I think, this is the kind of thing you are SUPPOSED to reject people for and why is that not automatic for me? Can you imagine? I should have rejected xWH early on for similar stunts and didn't, so this is my re-do. I should be rejoicing. Instead I just feel old and washed up.

well cayc, it sounds like you've learned something, as in REALLY learned it, about you.

this is the kind of thing you are SUPPOSED to reject people for

yessirree, it sure is.

I think it's very hard for people like us who CARE about others and who ENJOY treating others well, to step back and realize, you don't HAVE TO. It's a choice. You can choose to let him have his mantrum and to be fully responsible for his mantrum all by himself, and to fix whatever caused his mantrum inside him, all by himself. It's not your job to be responsible for his insides.

I think we grew up with people who said things like "You make me feel so HAPPY/SAD/ANGRY when you do .... " and we internalized that is if we have the power to control other people's feelings by doing something for/to them.

And so we feel responsible for how the other person feels and acts and is.... it's all our fault.

NOT.

He has anger issues and a temper and his default is to lash out and blame others.

That has nothing to do with you, even though his lashing out was at you and was painful, it really isn't about you and it also isn't your responsibility to deal with it.

Good riddance. Now, the lesson is you CAN let someone have their own shit back.

Sometimes we have to experience the same mistake a few times before we are able to see the mistake BEFORE we make it again. No, it's not automatic. It's conscious, which IMO is better.

cayc,

I'm really sorry...:-(

try not to think of him as a gaping hole. Try to think of him as a big clog in the pipe of your life that you finally got cleared out! Now the path to what you are meant to do... is free flowing and open. As long as he was there - you were never going to get to where you were meant to be.

(and we all know what gunk it is that clogs up pipes....)

I think the fear, for me, is fear that I simply attract/am attracted to, the wrong kinda guy. I seem to attract the "unavailable guys" and that haunts me a little. My parents were great, but not emotionally...present. I married a man who was great...but not emotionally present with me. My only SO post D was emotionally unavailable.

So, the fear of repeating a pattern is scary. Now I try really hard to fight for a better partner for myself. I have less patience for bullshit.

So, I get the fear of feeling like you did something "wrong", but you really just gotta focus on finding something "right".

Mourn the loss of the "coulda been" and focus on getting back out there and trying again

This time, a tad bit wiser than before!