SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

and is so picky

FWH is/was very critical. It was a flaw in him that I didn't care for. Not only very critical of me but quite often critcizing the way people looked when we were out and about. eta: I forgot to finish my thought. That is why I was kind of shocked in his AP. AP is dumb. FWH has no patience for dumb. Also, AP wasn't what I would consider attractive. AP wasn't ugly, just ordinary. Meh!

I know my husband

Yes, we all knew our spouses. Until we found out we didn't. I do understand, though, that we may know our spouses habits pretty well. I have known FWH for 37 years. Well, the parts he would let me know.

I wouldn't want to love and share a life with a person capable of seeing others as "usable" and then "disposable".

This I can really relate to. I screamed at FWH in the days following d-day "Are you really just that fucking shallow?" Yeah, he could be. Does that make him any worse than any other WS? I think not. Does that make him any less redeemable? I know that isn't true! But, if that is your dealbreaker, I can understand that, too.

I came to understand the depth of FWH's selfishness and his ability to compartmentalize. I came to understand the depths of his desperation to feel better. He wanted to feel better the easy way, though. He didn't want to change and do the work on himself. He didn't turn to booze, drugs, or gambling for an unhealthy coping mechanism. No, he turned to infidelity for an unhealthy coping mechanism. To someone who made sure it was always available with the ego kibbles and blowing sunshine up his ass. It really could have been any "woman" that made its self so easy for FWH to access.

I do feel that it is possible for the WS's to at least believe they had some deep feelings for the AP. Some WS's might actually "love" the AP's. It is also very possible for WS's to not have any feelings for the AP's, or to have very superficial feelings of "friendship". :

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:15 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

In my STBXH's case, I think he felt he could really just keep hiding it until he figured a way out. He devised all sorts of shenanigans to try to unravel himself from "her" and none of it worked. She refused to let go, and he didn't want to cut her off 100%, for fear she would reveal everything to me.

The lies and stories he eventually told OW were elaborate, and frightening. I never knew how creative he could be. (well, his best buddy helped him with many of these stories)

So, I do believe that some WS would risk quite a bit. WH dived in the affair really quickly, told himself that he and I were in a bad marriage anyway so why not just go for it, and he'd figure out the rest later.

In his case, OW is very controlling, alternates between making him feel like crap, then making him godlike again and he constantly feels as though he's her KISA, a feeling he values more than so many things in this world

I don't believe she meant nothing to him at all. But I also don't believe its true love. I honestly believe he is addicted to the image OW sees when she looks at him and he feels like an utter failure when he looks at me. (now)

I think it all depends. In my H's case I think the OW didn't mean much till he met the one that did. I think the all the OW before QueenBeeOW were distractions from real life, a little ego boost/vacation. Then came her...he told me he fell in love in two short weeks. Which didn't work out at all but he left for her. Too bad she wasn't waiting for him on the otherside of the smut rainbow.

I believe my WS mainly because he is clearly an undiagnosed SA. There is no way he had 'feelings' for the 20+ ONS that he has had since we've been married. I gather it's more of a compulsive behavior, self-medicating like an alcoholic, than anything whatsoever to do with "love" or "feelings."

But if he had a LTA, I might feel differently. The only LT love in his life, however, has been me.

My WH had a less than 4 month A. He told MOW he never stopped loving her (they were HS sweethearts 30 yrs prior). He told her they belonged together and they should be together. That was in the first 1 1/2 months. He spent the last 2 months trying to get away from her without consequences (he rightfully feared she would out him). Finally he told her he wasn't leaving me. That was DDay.. she sent me a FB message that night outing him but he left work and shot home to tell me before I saw it. I believe that he believed his feelings for her were real at the time.. but in his words, it was all an illusion.. he felt like a kid in HS again hanging out with her at his mother's house (yes, at his mother's house, again, 30 yrs later ). So, no, I don't believe his feelings for her were real. I do believe he thought they were real at that time. I do believe it was an illusion.

As for the "I never stopped loving you" part, he said he thought of her from time to time over the 30 years in between, but he never carried a torch for her or anything like that. He said it was just a feeling that he was having at the time he said it. but that looking back on it, the feeling obviously wasn't real because he didn't ever feel like he loved her at any time other than back in HS before she found him again on facebook.

I asked him if he had felt before or during his A like she was the one that got away, he said "No, that would be you if you ever leave me".

[This message edited by LadyLove at 6:41 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

I appreciate hearing so many different points of view. Thank you all.