SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Updated on 1/8/2013:

I sent my wife some poems and texted her that I was concerned for her health since she has been sick. I went to visit my daughter and I played with her for an hour. I hid a card in my WW's coat with some encouraging messages. She asked my daughter if I wanted to help put her to bed and so I did. They were low on diapers and pull ups so I went and go some while picking up my medication.

My WW calls me and asks me to go to the store to get her a Java Chip drink from starbucks and some cookies for a co-workers birthday. I get the cookies and then I get the drink, but I got the wrong one. I was excited to get it to her because I figured she would think good about me.

She later says she shouldn't have ask me to do that. I was bummed by that statement, because for some reason it made me felt used. I drop the stuff off and she kept texting me and i left the phone in the van to charge while going inside a place to get something to eat. Because i got her the wrong drink she saids the following:

"Do you always not listen to me because I'm not important to you?"

I express to her how upset i was that I failed and even said something on the lines I will probably never get it right. She should find somebody else.

she responds. You didn't listen to what I said, you said go find someone else and I appreciate you going for me I really do. I appreciate a lot you do, but you always get like this when you don't pay attention. Why not just say oh sweeties i'm so sorry. please forgive me and acknowledge that maybe i feel hurt for you not listening. and then i will just be ok. but no you always go off the deep end. frown and now you you're hurt and goodnight to me.

I say that actually makes a lot of since when you put it like that. I apologized and try to resolved the issue right then and there, this all over text. I share an article with her from Love and Respect as I explained to her how her question made me feel and said she feels like she is being attacked.

She said that sometimes i think you read too much. that just makes me feel like not even trying anymore.

I asked her why you want to give up now.

Because is this how you're always going to be now she says.

I explain to her I am trying to improve our relationship by reading and figuring out things.

She retorts:

1. You can't learn everything about a relationship from reading those books, you have to actually live it!

2. I told you something that upset me or made me feel unimportatn and then you send me an article that basically is like i'm attacking you.

I told her I just wanted her to understand my point of view.

then she retorts "it like you say you get it, or understand or your sorry then it like you attack me with something."

I tell her i just wanted you to understand me,

She says it's not always a good time to point things out at someone at that moment when they already feel unimportant already.

I apologized that I made her feel unimportant. She says

I forgive you but I am hurt at the moment. I'm, sorry

I say I am sorry too, i should of addressed your emotions and discussed what I can do.

she send me a sad face and thats the end of the discussion.

Lost,

Sorry but 2x4s coming...

What is wrong with you???

You got a coffee wrong. She cheated on you!

This whole exchange you described is bizarre to me in that there is no mention of the A. It's like the elephant in the room. It's like she has no remorse about it at all and you feel like you need to win her back.

I was excited to get it to her because I figured she would think good about me.

Why is it important that you get her to think well of you? She should be worried about how you think of her.

"Do you always not listen to me because I'm not important to you?"

Brother that is emotionally manipulative. It is mean.

Is your WW typically critical of the things you do? Does she question or criticize the way you do things?

1. You can't learn everything about a relationship from reading those books, you have to actually live it!

Like reading books about being faithful versus actually being faithful maybe??

You

need

to

detach

She has zero remorse. From what you described her A's do not enter her mind at all. In fact it appears because of things like getting the wrong coffee (ayfkm?) she feels justified.

She sounds like a user. Me, me, me, me.

Did she ask how you were?

Did she ask how you were doing? How you were feeling?

Did she appreciate the poems or card?

Please read Braondon's post again, and then read it one more time.

Your WW, you know the one that fucked another guy? Yah her, you know the one that justifies it because you used to have a porn habit, but got help and go to meetings to stay sober, yah that wife, she is fucking you over again and again, and again.

First of all in what world is someone so sick that they need to be put to bed, but then need you to get shit for her to take to work the next day. Dude if she is that damn sick, she isn't going to work the next day.

Second of all, why do you think it is ok for her to continue to abuse you. You just take it and take it and take it. She is playing you like a fiddle. Your proper response to her having a hissy fit because you didn't get her $8.00 drink right should have been something along the lines of, I tried, You can either drink it or throw it away. If you measure love by getting orders right then you have serious issues.

She is being a high mantainence bitch.

You seriously need to STOP. STOP letting her blame you for everything, STOP engaging her behavior. All you are going to accomplish with the path that you are on, is rugsweeping her A, and coming back in 3 months, 6 months, or a year with another A, or with a message that it never stopped.

Read through some of us veterans profiles, those of us that have had successful R's. You are going to see a few common themes.

1. R was possible because we had a spouse that was willing, and eventually had remorse.

2. To get to the point of having remorse took most if not all of us as BS's growing a pair, and telling the WS we were done. Demanding the respect we deserved. We either threw them out, Separated, or filed to get to that point.

Your wife is still calling the shots. Don't let her.

It's time to demand the respect you deserve. Consider if your kid behaved the way she behaved last night. Would not put a stop to it? I know I would. Nobody gives me that level of disrespect. I am worth much much much more. So are you.

Hey buddy you're blown it. You shouldn't you doing anything like that for her. First of all she has no respect for you. The more you interact with her she's losing more and more respect for you. When any relationship reaches this point, it's pretty much over. You need to be honest to yourself and face the facts. You need to follow the 180, I would say NC absolutely no dialogue except for the kids and that you could do an email or a text. Let her think you're moving on. If you have any chance that's when she might come around. Don't have anything to do with her. Remember she's the one that cheated on you. She still has all the power and absolutely no respect towards you.!!!

Posters here keep repeating the same message/advice to you over and over again.

DETACH.

Yet you keep refusing to listen and digging yourself into a deeper hole, both emotionally and in terms of ever having a chance to R your M with your WW.

I hope you start listening soon.

I started to Detach. She has text me to ask me what's wrong and if I am ok. I tell her I am fine. Just resting.

"I started to Detach. She has text me to ask me what's wrong and if I am ok. I tell her I am fine. Just resting."

You are not detaching friend.

When she reacted to your silence, you reached out and reassured her.

STOP.

And your reassurances were all bullshit anyway.

You are not OK...because of what SHE has done.

Stop comforting her.

She SHOULD begin to fell uneasy about what she has done to you, your M, and her family.

If you keep trying to make sure she is comfortable, she is never going to start doing the things she has to to fix this mess she made.